(no subject)
[37 SNAPSHOTS, LOTSA EXPLETIVES]
So, some of you may know me from The Thayer Legacy that I share with my sister, shoefleesims. Others of you may be thinking, who the hell is this bitch? That's okay though, this bitch is used to expletives. In fact, she encourages them... also, this has somehow awkwardly slipped into the third person...MOVING ON!!!
This is my attempt at a Legacy. Except that I hate rules, so I'm probably not going to be following any of them. Well, a few, but only the ones that I'll make up along the way and insist were in play all along ;)
So, are you ready to rumble? No? Well let's pretend you are anyway and get this party started!
It was a cold, stormy night when Thaddeus Darth and Hopscotch Vader met for the first time. He was an influential businessman and she, a left wing hippie prostitute with 11 toes. They were snowed in a hotel off of main street, where both Thad (in his Cadillac) and Hop (in her VW van) had pulled into once road visibility had become an issue. They arrived at the same time, but alas, only one room was available for the night ( a clown convention was in town and each room was stuffed with at least 20 clowns). Ever the gentleman, Thaddeus offered the room to Hopscotch, who found this pomp and circumstance strangely alluring. They decided to share and, long story short, spent the cold night "keeping each other warm".
Nine months later, a bloated Hopscotch pushed a baby girl kicking and screaming into this cold, cruel world. Not wanting the child to go through life nameless, and with no connection to her father, Hopscotch stayed long enough at the hospital to scrawl a name on a piece of toilet paper in her cheap red lipstick before disappearing into the night. "Lauren Darth-Vader" was born.
A note: at this point I have come up with my first pointless rule. Naming. All people will be named after people I didn't like growing up. Lauren is the name of my preschool frenemy. She bit my face once. And also finger painted me and got us both time out. I don't really remember her doing anything particularly heinous, but she's always stuck in my mind for some reason as being a bitch, so she seemed a natural choice as founder.
This is Lauren. She stands there for about 40 sim!hours. I soon find out that prodding her with a stick doesn't make her move, it only enrages her.
67 Lakeside Drive. Unfortunately, I can't be arsed to do the tiny founder shack thing. The interior is all pink though! That makes up for it, right?
Oh, here we go, this one is important! I suck at Photoshop if you couldn't tell *blushes*. Let's see, things to note: her 1 nice point, the fact that one of her turn-ons is charismatic (they're going to have to be, the poor sods), and the fact that her turn-off is swimsuits (believe me, I did you a favor. The kind of guys she's going to be falling for, you want to keep your retinas intact, right?)
Lauren: This is a gate.
Lauren: I fucking hate this gate!!!@!!!?!?@@!!!
All I end up buying Lauren is this car, which I spend weeks having nightmares about, and a burglar alarm.
Lauren: Why is this window here??? This window SUCKS! Frankly, I find your assumption that I would like to look outside insulting.
Me: Whatever freak, go study cooking.
Lauren: Cooking is sooooo awesome!! I love to cook!!!
Me: You've never cooked anything. How would you know?
Lauren: I know, but it sounds so cool! Like this word here: SPOON. Isn't that the coolest word ever? SPPPOOOONNN. And this one: STIR!
Me: *headdesk* You know Lauren, you're just as annoying as I remember you being in preschool.
Eventually, the welcome wagon arrives. Dear Game, Dina Caliente, Alexander Goth, and Dirk Dreamer? We're talking about my childhood enemy! I need to inflict more pain than that!!!!
Lauren's not too impressed anyway.
Lauren: Meh. Neither of these guys are blond.
Dina is though, So I send Lauren after her for a quick gender pref. test.
Lauren: This chick is way more happening than those ugly dudes out there!
Me: Yeah, but she's a gold digger. And I hate to break this to you...but you have no money.
Lauren: *sings* Well, I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke n-
Me: HEY!!! STOP!!!! I will not have rapping in my legacy! It's only my first update, I can't afford hate mail already!
I send Lauren to go tell Dina a joke to keep her busy.
Lauren: And the website was called "50 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts" and one of them was "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's last name is not a challenge."
Dina: AHHAHAHAHHAAAA That's so clever!!!!
Lauren: Yeah well, I'm pretty awesome.
Lauren the proceeds to stare at Alexander Goth...for HOURS!
Lauren: I want to sit here. Maybe if I stare long enough, he'll get uncomfortable and move?
Dirk: My dad was right, your milkshake does bring all the boys to the yard!
Alexander: Stop staring at me bitch!
Lauren: Well maybe if you weren't so UGLY, I wouldn't be so transfixed by your hideousness BOOYEAH!
Lauren: Get it wiggly_toes? I just called him ugly. Teehee!
After getting a strong sense of déjà vu, I send Lauren to chat with Dina.
Lauren: How can I possibly chat with Dina when this wall is in my way??
Me: I's be more concerned with the fact that what Dina's doing right now generally calls for privacy.
Lauren RAWR!!! HULK LAUREN SMASH!!
Lauren: OM NOM NOM
Alexander: *grins* Maybe she'll choke!
I send Lauren to find a job on Mr. Humble's computer. Cuisine's not there today so I opt for Pickpocket instead. I figure Lauren's such a bitch, she'll enjoy that kind of work.
Some guy Lauren's never met calls to invite someone named Roger on an outing. He's pretty wasted, so when she informs him that he has the wrong number, he invites her along as well. She figures it's alright, as long as they go to a public place.
While waiting for the taxi, Lauren gets bored and decides to stir up some dramaz. I'm extremely relieved when the taxi arrives and she hustles off to the LuLu Lounge to meet Wrong-Number-Guy.
This is River. I'm not sure if it's the scruffy beard, or his cross eyed grin, but he appeals to me.
DAMMIT!!!!!
OH GOD! LOOK AT THAT PROFILE! I NEED HIM IN THIS LEGACY!!! RIVER, I WANT TO LOVE YOU MADLY!!! *ahem*...moving on...
Lauren and Mrs. Crumplebottom then proceed to bond over Sidecars.
Lauren: I shnow whatcha mean Crumpley! Men shuck! Itsh better to die alone!
Lauren continues to find every, single person in the club hideous, so I coax her into the hot tub with River and Inappropriate Conversation Lady.
Inappropriate Conversation Lady: I used to have balls!!!
Soon after that comment, River leaves, and Lauren decides to follow him to his house call it a night as well.
Before she can reach the pay phone, I catch a glimpse of tasteless orange in the corner of my screen and send Lauren running.
I have Lauren give her §21
Sweet Tinkerbell Jesus!!! HE'S PERFECT!!!
Lauren: Hey, baby want to Squeeze my Theorem while I poly your nomial?
Chester: I assure you, while I may seem ostensibly nerdy, even I would never fall for a pickup line as cheesy as that.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: Hey, put some clothes on you tramp!!
Lauren: Burn, Crumpley, burn. I thought we were friends?
The date pretty much fizzled down to lame after her encounter with Crumpley, so I send her home in shame. :(
Next Time on the Darth-Vader Legacy: I have no idea, I haven't played ahead. :D