Echo of Dusk - Chapter VII(B)
A/N: Part 7B is here! yay! hehe...excuse me whilst I go lie down. I'm about to pass out from some serious lack of sleep issues. Like Changmin, I need at least 8 to function properly~ T_T
OST for this chapter:
Without You (4.95MB) (Cliche but oh so fitting...)
JaeJoong:
No I can't forget tomorrow, when I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but then I let you go
I can't live if living is without you.
The moon was shining through the bleary forest as I stood elbow deep in the river. Hangeng had carefully extracted all the glass that had been embedded into my back, and now I was trying to wash the dried blood from my back and legs.
Yunho had gained consciousness almost thirty minutes earlier but I had avoided his questioning gaze and found sanctuary in the gentle river instead.
I carefully pulled my wet hair over my shoulders so that I could access to top of my back. As I continued wiping the water over my skin, I let my thoughts wander once more. I was a little frustrated that the darn waters had stolen the sheet away from me with such devious actions, and yet now it played the face of innocence with its gentle lapping against my waist.
I really didn’t feel so comfortable bare. I didn’t want Yunho to be able to see so much of me. I needed myself to remain a secret to him at all costs. I could not afford to feel all my vulnerability exposed. He could not feel sorry for me. He could not feel sympathetic or loving. He could not feel for me at all, otherwise I didn’t know what I would do.
I closed my eyes sadly as my peace was disrupted by Yunho’s warm hands snaking onto my shoulders. He must have been watching me; I could feel his warm hands gently washing the top of my back where I hadn’t been able to properly reach earlier. Occasionally he would lean forward and I could feel his subtle nudity.
I didn’t want him to be there and yet, ironically, at the same time I desperately needed him to be.
I slowly turned around against my will and buried my face into his hard shoulder, my arms clasping his back tightly. No! This wasn’t part of the plan! I clenched my eyes shut as I felt his head resting on top of mine.
Although we were both naked, with our bodies pressed strongly together, there was nothing sexual about our embrace. We were just two creatures needing to be held. Nothing more. Nothing less.
“Thank you for coming,” I murmured into his shoulder.
“Thank you for saving me,” he calmly replied.
Hugging him…smelling him…feeling him… It all felt so familiar and yet so foreign.
I could feel him stroking my wet hair now. I suppose in the past it would have given me a deep thrill and longing, but now…it just made me tense.
A deep sigh. “You don’t like me doing this, do you?” he guessed.
“…No,” I admitted. It was too late for lies. He could always read me like a book anyway.
His fingers left my hair alone in aid of my comfort and returned to the small of my back.
I could feel him trying to hold on to me. His arms were by no means like a boa constrictor, but their silent power radiated so strongly. He was trying to hold on, trap all the bad feelings away, and enclose only the good ones. But it wouldn’t work. He couldn’t keep trying to hold on to me, and I think deep down he was aware of that fact too.
“We can’t…” I began the dark sentence and felt him tense up at my words.
“No, JaeJoong, please don’t.”
“I have to,” I whispered. “You have to understand the truth.”
He was silent, concentrating all his energy on trying to hold on. He couldn’t. How long would it take for him to realize that! It was a lost cause; there was nothing there to hold onto. He was holding onto a transparent ghost.
“I don’t like you touching me. You can’t. You have to stop. You know I can’t handle this anymore. We can’t…anymore. You know we can’t. Please…just…let me go.” My voice was so quiet, could he even hear it?
“JaeJoong,” he choked out. “Please. You know I don’t care about that.”
“Please Yunho, let me go,” I begged.
“JaeJoong…”
“JUST LET ME GO!” I screamed, ignoring my wet tears.
“NO!” he shouted back, holding me even tighter.
“Don’t do this to me, Yunho!” I sobbed. “Don’t make me do this!”
“Then DON’T!”
“LET…ME…GO!”
“I CAN’T!”
“Yes you can, you can. I know you can. You have to! Please!”
“I can never let us go JaeJoong.”
“Walk away.” My demanding voice was so cold it even frightened me.
“YOU walk away!”
“I CAN’T!”
“Then why do you expect ME to! You walk away! Finish what you start!”
“You know I can’t. Please Yunho.”
But none of us could move….could breathe…could stop crying…could let go.
“Alright…” he finally agreed. “But please kiss me, JaeJoong.”
“I can’t, Yunho!”
“If you are leaving me, then you will damn well give me a goodbye kiss!”
No, don’t make me Yunho. Don’t make me need you. Don’t make me lose my nerve!
He was trying to hold onto my chin with his hand but I wouldn’t let him. But no matter how hard I tried to turn my face away he would not let go of my chin.
“Don’t make this hard for me! Why are you making this harder for me!” I exclaimed.
“Because I…”
I couldn’t recognize his voice. Was this my Yunho speaking?
“…I love you.”
I shuddered and he held me tight as he both heard and felt my sob. I continued to tremble and cry as I nuzzled my forehead against his cheek. We were breaking up and yet for one moment…just one moment…I decided to ignore the whole unjust world and give myself some peace.
My eyes were already long closed as I felt blindly for his lips with my own. It had been too long since I had felt this…so long that I wasn’t sure if I had slipped back into one of my old daydreams.
In that dark period no one had touched my lips. I didn’t allow it. There were many things I could not change nor fight…but whenever a face would try and get too close, I would fiercely deny them. I wanted them to remain as they were for him… If people were going to contaminate me, I begged for there to be at least one place where I was untainted. Let me give him just one place I had thought…so that he won’t be angry with me and won’t despise me as much.
Our kiss would not end even though I needed it to. As our lips moved against each other for the first time in over a year, I could feel him finally letting me go. I both welcomed the feeling and ran dejectedly from it. I had begged and begged with my whole heart for him to let me go. Now it was my turn. I had to let him go. Because if I had nothing…then I could lose nothing.
I cried into his mouth and dug my fingers into his hair. I could feel my fatigued legs finally giving way but Yunho held me up with his determined arms.
Never once did our lips part… He needed it to say his goodbye. I needed it to thank him…for everything he had ever done for me. And I needed it to convince him what I could not convince myself: that I did not want to be with him any longer.
Our lips slipped away gently but no less than three seconds after they had, he was kissing my cheek. I shyly let him, my wet hair slipping down the side of my face.
My eyes were still closed when I felt him moving away from me. And then my sense of hearing took over from my sense of touch as I listened to the swirling water whine as his steps away from me disturbed its peace. To my miserable ears, the water was whining as if it too was secretly trying to convince him not to leave. Like my conscience…?
I did not move. I could not watch him do the thing that I selfishly could not do myself - walk away forever.
When I next opened my eyes I could not bare to turn around and face my future. But when I finally did, I could not see where he had gone.
Trying to remain as stoic as possible, I waded back to the bank and climbed out. I could see Hangeng smiling widely at me and walked over to join him where he sat. The difference between us was only one seemingly small thing…he was smiling and I was not. How could there be a smile? I had pushed away the one person whom I couldn’t live without.
Hangeng took off his white coat and made me put it on to keep my wet body as warm as possible in the newly begun night.
“So…” he began.
My eyes drifted downwards, my fingers playing numbly with the bottom buttons of the coat I wore.
“I finally got to see some action!” he teased. “I bet that felt as good for you guys as it did for me watching you!...No, that did not come out right. I was not watching you like a pervert. I wanted to see you both doing love. No, that also did not come out right. But if you do want to create love, I do not mind turning the other way,” he added with a lighthearted chuckle.
“I broke up with him,” I whispered, trying not to care that he sat forward in shock.
“You WHAT?!” he exclaimed. “Why the hell did you do that for? You stupid boy! You crazy lunatic!”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, continuing to play with the coat’s button. “I’m not crazy…” I eventually spoke. “Just overprotective.”
“Of whom?”
“Myself.”
“Uh-huh…” Hangeng sighed and stretched his legs in front of him. “Okay speak to me, little one. Convince me that you have not found insanity.”
Seeing my face, he let out a long groan. “I am joking JaeJoong. I am just trying to understand what is going on.”
I sighed and rested my chin in my hands. I trusted Hangeng completely - he had been my sole companion for a year but… I was so anxious that I’d end up breaking down if I tried to talk about it out loud. And there was a part of me that wished for my vulnerability to remain hidden deep inside my heart. I needed a piece of myself only for me.
We sat in silence for many moments longer whilst I tried to figure out where to start and to decipher which feelings I could share outside of myself.
“You know, Hangeng-hyung…” I took a shaky breath. “I started not to care about what they were doing to me.”
I looked down at my hands, trying to ignore the nausea that had suddenly crept up.
“It’s the fact that he wasn’t there when I needed him the most.”
I could sense that Hangeng wanted to say something in response but kept his mouth shut to let me continue talking without unneeded disruption.
“He was never there…and waking up everyday knowing that I was alone…was the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. I think on more than one occasion I was hoping that maybe one of them would…” I winced subconsciously at my own thoughts, “…be nice and finish me off whilst he was trying to jerk off.”
“Ah.” Hangeng slowly replied, seemingly lost for words. “So…by him not being there…you mean to blame him for what happened?”
“No!” I exclaimed in despair. “No, never! That’s not what I meant, I… Look, it’s hard to explain!”
I was getting so frustrated. I didn’t know how to properly express what I was feeling without keeping a little something for myself.
“It hurt because I felt like I was betraying him by letting others…touch me. And it hurt because I missed him.”
“JaeJoong,” Hangeng uttered sadly. “You could not have betrayed him. You did not give permission for others to do those things to you. I apologize for my blunt language but…you did not have consensual love-making, you were assaulted. That is a big difference, yes?”
“I know all that but…”
“I know. You cannot help feeling that way because you are a very loyal person.”
I blinked the liquid out of my eyes and rubbed at some dry skin on my finger pad with my finger nail. I felt too self-conscious bearing my heart out like this. I wasn’t used to it.
“And I understand how painful that separation was for you,” Hangeng continued. “I was there with you the whole time. The moment you mistook me for Yunho-shii, I began to understand what it was like for you. But JaeJoong, now you have got him again. He risked his life and army title to get you back from the very people you were fighting against. You could have died out there. He especially could have died out there…”
“That’s the whole problem!” I exclaimed.
“What is? I do not understand…” he admitted, embarrassed by the slight language barrier between us.
I shook my head in silent distress. There were no words for the explanation he needed.
“JaeJoong, clearly a…how is it said… twirling of fate has occurred.”
“Twist of fate, hyung,” I corrected, a small smile popping up against my will.
“Twist of fate. I am not overly religious but…”
“Of course not. Your country is communist.”
“Please do not interrupt my wisdom, JaeJoong.”
I nodded, smiling wider. Hangeng was quite amazing… I could be feeling like the hands of Lucifer were grasping my neck and yet he’d always manage to bring a smile to my face. Or at least a smile in my heart…
“Surely it seems that divine intervention gave you two a life extension. You know…a second chance. Why would you want to throw that second chance away?”
“I don’t want to! I… Stop confusing me!” I begged, my smile vanishing as my fingers scraped through my wet, tangled hair.
“That is the whole problem, isn’t it? You are confused?” Another sigh. “This morning you were recovering from another attack and woke up to me and Yunho-shii trying to take you away from there. You don’t know how he got there, what happened to him that year you were separated and you don’t understand any of it still. And then we were almost killed by angry North Koreans and ended up in a lake. Trust me; my head is spinning just as much as yours.” He laughed bitterly and scratched his ear.
“There is time now for coming to terms with what has happened lately. You are free now. Yunho-shii clearly still cares about you and the war is calming down now with stalemates left, right, and centre. Now, JaeJoong, after all of this…can I ask you one simple question?”
I nodded, dumbly.
“What is worrying you still?”
I tried to speak through the lump in my throat but it was getting increasingly difficult. “I…honestly thought I would never see him again. I didn’t ever want to forget about him and the joys he gave me. But at the same time, I needed to let go. Move on. Stop torturing myself with thoughts of him and him somehow finding me. It took so long but I somehow started trying to get over him and give myself some peace.”
I took a deep, shaky breath, ignoring the constant prickling of my eyes.
“I tried to accept the fact that I wouldn’t see him anymore. I tried to accept that until the war was over I would continue to have strangers assaulting me. I tried to accept the inevitable premonition that I would die there.”
I grit my teeth trying to stop my eyes from overflowing but it seemed as always that I had no control over my tears. “But then he came back. He was suddenly there. I forgot what hope felt like. I didn’t realize I was even feeling it when he was holding me in that truck. And then when I realized I was feeling it, the terror found me again. It made all my fears of being apart from him all come back to me in a painful rush. And then he almost died again in that river. I almost lost him again. I…I need to protect myself, hyung. I need it so desperately!”
I wiped my wet cheeks furiously. “I couldn’t handle being away from him again. I couldn’t.”
“…Seems to be like you are doing the exact opposite,” Hangeng’s quiet, calming voice proclaimed.
I looked up with a confused frown.
“If you know how near he is to you…and you cannot look at him or be near him…then aren’t you just reliving the separation all over again?”
I looked back down at my fingers and then out towards the dark river.
“Wouldn’t you be happier over there with him? C’mon now boy, look through your fear and see him!”
I couldn’t respond back to him. Even looking out at the river wasn’t helping; it’s gurgling currents whispering in agreement for some response to Hangeng’s suggestion.
I looked over my shoulder towards the small forest of trees where I could see Yunho resting. It was true… No matter how numb I tried to make myself, it did hurt to see him so near but not be able to sit near enough to him.
“I think you honestly need to sleep on this.”
I glanced back at Hangeng, thoughtfully digesting the new suggestion.
“By the looks of things, your mind is whirring so fast every cell in your head is getting dizzy. I am getting dizzy just watching you!” he teased.
“…Thanks hyung,” I replied softly. “I think the doctor’s right with this one.”
I lay down next to him thoughtfully. It still felt so odd to be out in the fresh air, away from everything I had feared. It was hard to get used to it. The freedom.
I closed my eyes and listened as Hangeng settled himself next to me as well. Soon, only the sound of night insects and the lapping of the river could be heard. On and on the insects chirped until I realized I was only sensitive to it because try as I may, I could not seem to make myself fall asleep. The cool night breeze was chilling my bones out - Hangeng’s doctor’s coat barely covered my knees. I couldn’t stop shivering - it felt as if my fever had come back…perhaps it already had. And my bottom…
I sighed and rolled onto my side. Was there a time when my bottom wasn’t hurting me?
Using my folded arm as a pillow I stared out into the dark trees surrounding the river. There was something calming about the way the leaves all moved together in the breeze, as if they were never lonely, surrounded by each other and rustling their enchanting lullaby. A natural sleeping drug…
I smiled, closing my heavy eyelids.
Hah. To my disappointment, they opened only a few hours later. The sun didn’t even look close to rising. I pouted and sat up. It seemed like Hangeng’s words were still plaguing me, even in my subconscious.
Divine intervention, huh? I growled. Can’t even let me sleep now, huh?
I swallowed, feeling my dry mouth with my tongue thoughtfully. It was really dark now. I felt almost like nothing in the world could see me or touch me…like I was the invisible man, safe from everything and everyone. I almost felt empowered by its shadowy cloak…like it had granted me one small window of opportunity to become immune to my own pain.
Yunho…
I sighed, slipping my arms over my chest to hold myself. Well…it couldn’t hurt, right? He’d still be sleeping anyway…right?
I carefully stood up, trying to avoid waking Hangeng up as well as avoid aggravating my infection. I then slowly drifted towards the denser set of trees where I knew Yunho had made his makeshift bed.
Trying not to step on him (wouldn’t that just be horrific!), I crouched down next to him. Feeling empowered still by the darkness, I stared down into his handsome face and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.
“I should have known you were awake,” I drawled, poking his cheek in irritation. “How long have you been awake for?”
He didn’t reply but once again I found myself rolling my eyes. “Riiiight. You haven’t even slept yet. Idiot.”
I shifted backwards into a more comfortable position, hissing as I applied too much pressure on my sore behind. I couldn’t explain the overwhelming need I had to be near him. Perhaps Hangeng was completely right… It was pointless to deliberately stay away. If I was with him I’d ache…but if we were apart I’d still feel it anyway! Besides…I could still distance myself if we only talked, right?
“Well…” I tried not to smile. “Shall I tell you a bedtime story then? Sing a lullaby?”
Yunho, to my surprise, let out a chuckle over my cheeky suggestion. But when he spoke, it pained me that his voice was still a little croaky. “You know, as good as your intentions are, I just can’t quite seem to take you seriously with all those leaves stuck in your hair.”
My eyes widened as my hand automatically swept behind my head to rake the little buggers out. “I really need to cut my hair again,” I groaned, trying to flatten it to my satisfaction.
“No, it’s fine. It suits you. Long hair has always suited you,” he calmly insisted.
I looked down awkwardly and cleared my throat. “Stop talking or you won’t get your lullaby.”
Yunho smiled forlornly up at me. He was obviously trying so hard to give the impression that he was cheerful so as not to make me feel guilty, but his quiet grief was too hard to ignore.
“Lullaby starting in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” I cleared my throat again. “La La La…………Go to sleep Yunho… La LAA!”
“Ah. Child prodigy,” he teased.
“Silence!” I whacked him childishly, but it felt good. In fact, being with him and mucking around with him still felt like it was a dream. And if I really tried, I could numb the aching a little bit as well.
“Seriously, you need to sleep Yunho,” I insisted solemnly. Ignoring my hastily beating heart, I carefully laid down next to him, hoping that it might help him. I swallowed slowly, trying to ignore his surprised expression at my chosen residence.
“Go to sleep, Captain,” I quietly urged.
“Actually…it’s ‘Major’ now,” he corrected, watching me with soft eyes.
“WHAT!” I exclaimed, leaping upwards onto my elbow. “You’re a MAJOR?! Christ, you are the biggest show off!” I huffed. “You know what, you are officially just a pain in the ass.”
“On the contrary JaeJoongie,” he replied with a smirk. “I’m a major pain in the ass.”
I groaned and rolled over so that my back was towards him. Did he feel shunned? I hoped so. “I refuse to talk to you anymore! Your pathetic wit is scarring my tired brain. Just how old do you think you are? MAJOR pain the ass, pahhhh!”
“Oh come on, you walked right into that one!” I heard him reply, chuckling from behind me as if we had never been separated for a year. Maybe this meant he was sharing what I felt - the immense need to act like nothing happened so that in our heads nothing HAD happened…to save ourselves from the pain of knowing in our hearts that the whole world had changed.
I didn’t bother replying to him after that. Enough had already been said and yet…so many things were still left unsaid. But for now it would have to suffice because I just didn’t have anymore energy for it.
Many minutes passed and the rustling of clothing in the near distance told me that he was still awake as well. The problem was, since my back was still turned to him he couldn’t tell that I wasn’t asleep either…and before I could emotionally prepare myself I felt his arm gently sliding over me, to hold me close to him. My heart was beating rapidly and my throat was drying up but I couldn’t move an inch because then he’d know I was awake.
And if he knew I was awake he would move away from me.
I’m such a fool. Why do my attempts to run away always result in my running closer?
I closed my eyes tiredly. Whilst the darkness hid away my vulnerability, I let myself enjoy his presence, for I knew that as soon as the sun rose I would be running away from it again.
///TBC///
Hehe…I love JaeJoong’s kind nature. Waking up and realizing for the first time that whilst he was comforted by Hangeng, Yunho would have been all alone, so he automatically bit back his fear to make sure Yunho was alright and to try to cheer him up a bit XD.
But OHHHHH MA GAWD. I feel so sorry for poor Yunnie! I’ll make it up to you, Yunho, I swear!! >_<
Comment away my dearies! Become the panadol for my headche <--lol craptastic yet artistic metaphorical brain flow there. Have pity on ym soul haha.