Echo of Dusk - Chapter IX
Title: Echo of Dusk
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [9/20?]
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occurred... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of separation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but can he really?
A/N: Sorry there are so many D&Ms these days with Jae etc.. ^^;;
Oh and when i finish replying to all your brilliant comments, I'll post this link to Detox -_-
OST for this chapter:
Take Me Away - Avril Lavigne (4.06 MB) DOWNLOAD!!
JaeJoong’s angry phase:
I feel like I am all alone
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands
It was undeniably bizarre looking around at this new camp. There were the new surroundings, but the same old people. The moment we stepped into it I could already feel how much I didn’t belong in it… The old JaeJoong would have fit into it with ease I’m sure…but this new JaeJoong just couldn’t.
Even now…lying in Yunho’s old bed I felt out of place. It was the same tent we used to share but I couldn’t feel any similarities anymore. I was desperate to get out of this bed and rummage around Yunho’s things trying to find any clue to my past self. It was such a terrible feeling, knowing you were finally back home only to discover that there was no home anymore but a black hole of emptiness.
Who was I?
Yunho had carried me on his back all the way down to this camp and now he was discussing god knows what with the guy who took over his camp whilst he had left to find me. He should have been resting like me after all that walking with my weight burdening him further. But who in their right mind had the authority to tell Jung Yunho to rest and ignore his responsibilities. So, as obvious consequence I was lying alone in his bed with nothing to do but think through my depression and wait for Hangeng to get back with the medicine for my fever.
Yunho had somehow gotten permission for Hangeng to work in the camp’s medical tent. I was happy for Hangeng knowing he’d be safe and still close by. He liked taking care of others so I was sure his medical skills would be a benefit to all in the camp.
Several days later I was still snuggled under Yunho’s sheets, trying to make my body warmer and fight the shivering that the fever was crudely provoking. I had stripped Yunho’s jacket and Hangeng’s old coat off the day I got back because Yunho had found for me my old spare uniform. He had kept it, in some sort of stubborn hope… Lucky he did.
I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel after learning he had really brought it along to this new camp. When I was gone he had put so much effort into taking me along with him… And yet now all his efforts had seemingly gone to waste, for the old part of my life could never fit me now. My body was too foreign to such garments. Even though I used to wear this uniform I felt like I was an imposter, keeping it warm until the old JaeJoong came back for it.
Where was Yunho though? It felt like he was never here anymore. We’d been back for several days but now his superior had come to see him at the camp. He had been gone so long. Was he in big trouble for what he did? Would he be badly castigated? I hated feeling that after all the damage I’d caused I was still burdening him.
He even slept on the floor now. He wanted me to have my space and comfort. He claimed that he couldn’t care less about sleeping on the floor. And then he’d get up early and return to being Major Jung. All I had to do all day and night was sleep in the bed and try to quell the fever. I’d never felt so hopeless in my life.
The embarrassing thing was I only ever slept in the day. When Yunho was here, sleeping next to me on the floor, I felt too vulnerable to sleep. When I had been captured it had been in that surprise attack at night. Being back in that old tent played with my logic…it was filled with transparent, omnipresent threats of old dangers. It was like I had been thrown back into the past…I was the new JaeJoong sleeping where the old JaeJoong should have been and with this new wisdom of mine I was waiting for the surprise attack that might have saved the old JaeJoong.
Of course each night there was no such surprise attack because it was the future, not the past. But this tent laced spells throughout my mind, confusing it and scaring it.
And since Yunho was calmly asleep on the ground, no one would be ready for another attack. I volunteered myself to take on the guarding role, and so after a few days my sleeping patterns locked into reverse. I was no longer Kim JaeJoong but Nocturnal JaeJoong.
I could only allow myself to fall asleep when Yunho woke up. Because of this, Yunho started calling me his owl. I wasn’t sure whether to feel offended or not…making jokes about my larger eyes and ruffled appearance like that!
I scowled and buried my face deeper into the pillow. I should be sleeping now, but fears of Yunho’s continued disappearance was interrupting my sleeping routine. Normally he visited me on his lunch break to make sure everything was all right and to force food into me. But still he was with that big guru and not here…and it was long after his lunch break. What was he doing?
The fragrance floating off his pillow was also bugging me. It definitely wasn’t the smell of Yunho. I had noticed it almost straight away but had tried ignoring it. If it wasn’t Yunho’s scent then…someone else had been sleeping here.
Was it my replacement? Had he been so lonely without me that he’d let someone else lay with him at night? He hadn’t really told me much of what he experienced before he came to get me so I couldn’t rule out that possibility. I wouldn’t blame him if it was true but…I’d still feel hurt. That was just my selfish side talking though… If I couldn’t have him then I felt no one else could either.
Eventually my fight with sleep ended and it took hold of me victoriously. But I wished so much that it hadn’t won when I woke up disoriented by the most chilling sound. It was Yunho. And he was laughing. Actually laughing!
I rolled over and stared blearily at the tent’s entrance. Yunho was somewhere outside laughing with someone else. I couldn’t even think of the last time I’d heard him laughing like that. It certainly hadn’t been with me. Why was he laughing when I wanted to cry?!
I hurriedly sat up in disgust, wincing as the sudden action pulled at my backside.
Who was this man he felt so at ease with? That he could laugh so easily with? Who wasn’t a burden to him?
I slid awkwardly out from the bed and hobbled towards the entrance of the tent. I pulled the canvas material loose and stuck my head out suspiciously.*
“How could you, Jung? How could you betray the brotherhood like this?!” The man was grinning from ear to ear a metre or so away from the tent. Yunho was of course standing with his back to me, caught up in the middle of this thrilling conversation.
“I’ve told you how many times already, MinWoo? I have not become a boring suburban housewife!”
“No no, you’ve thrown your manly exterior down good, Jung. The weapon gracing your powerful, masculine hands has been crudely flung away and replaced with…bread scraps. Bullets for crusts. Grenades for crackers. In summary, pants for a dress.”
“You are the most melodramatic man I know!” Yunho was chuckling.
MinWoo huh? Yunho had told me briefly about the men who had set off with him to find me. He had been so thrilled and relieved to find they had all stumbled back into camp with minimal injuries. Was MinWoo the man Yunho had replaced me with? What did he smell like? Did he smell like pillow?!
I had to grip the canvas flap until my fingers lost their colour, just to stop myself from running out and sniffing MinWoo like some sort of crazy DNA test to see if the fragrance matched Yunho’s pillow.
But I guess I had my own ego I wanted to protect and avoid tarnishing with crazy, lunatic behaviour. Yunho was free to do what he pleased. Who was I to scold him for it, especially since he owed nothing to me.
I flung away the flap in frustration and stormed back into bed. By the time Yunho entered it I was still trying to calm down.
“Oh good, you’re awake!” he trilled, annoyingly happy. “I hate having to wake you up when you’re so exhausted.”
“Hm.” I refused to look at him in the eye. His contrasting happiness was infuriating me with every breath. Did he mistakenly assume I was being grouchy because I had just woken up? How wrong he was.
“You forgot about me,” I accused.
“Eh?”
“I wouldn’t think it would ever happen. But you actually forgot about me.”
“What…are you are talking about?”
“Lunch was long ago. I can’t believe I’m so easily forgotten.”
“J-JaeJoong!” he exclaimed in shock. “The General kept me into my lunch break. It’s okay though, I’m not being punished for deserting the camp. Because I was so ‘fearless’,” he scoffed at the word, “in saving a POW…so instead of getting a medal, my reward is not being punished.”
That irritating smile of his…
Seeing the absence of relief for his situation on my face, his emotions seemed to sober up quickly.
“And then I went to see Hangeng-shii for some JaeJoong Menu suggestions… Of course I didn’t forget about you. You’re normally in a deep sleep at this time of day so I didn’t really think the delay would be of much consequence…”
“Oh, but how can I sleep with a bunch of giggling school girls outside the tent?”
“Say that again?”
“You KNOW I sleep in the day! Be more CONSIDERATE!” I yelled.
“It was a five minute conversation!” He exploded back. “And there is a war going on, JaeJoong! Do you honestly expect the bombs to stop falling just so you can have a little nappy-poos?!”
“EXCUSE ME?!” I was so angry I thought my chest was going to burst open. “I don’t expect the war to quieten down! But I DO expect the courtesy of not flirting so loudly when I’m trying to sleep!”
“FLIRTING?!”
“YES. He’s the man who made your pillow smell disgusting, isn’t he!”
“What…are…you…on about?!”
“I can barely stand to put my head on it when the odour of Satan’s smelling salts almost gags me to death!”
“Don’t blame me for that! I haven’t been here for months!”
“SMELL!” I roared, picking up his pillow and flinging it at his face.
He spluttered and pulled it off. When it was lowered I could see uncontrolled rage burning at his flustered skin.
“The Captain who took over for me in my absence used this tent. But we all do sincerely apologise if the aroma is too strong for Princess JaeJoong.
“Princess?! I can’t believe you just said that! I can’t believe you’re so selfish you’d try and pin this all on me!”
“All of what?! The nonsense gushing out of your deluded mouth?”
I took a deep breathe and once again the anger in his eyes chilled me into silence.
“I…am…so…disappointed in you. Accusing me of forgetting to look after you, …accusing me of flirting with a HETEROSEXUAL Sergeant as if I think so little of the past we’ve shared, as if you don’t mean anything at all to me. You are low.”
He walked over and threw the pillow back behind me and slammed the plastic plate holding my lunch onto the floor beside the bed. “Feed yourself.”
He had turned so cold… In the blink of an eye I had turned him against me completely. What was happening?
I rolled onto my stomach and closed my eyes. Within me, a thousand emotions were crashing into each other.
I couldn’t even smile as I heard him storming back into the tent barely a minute later and picking the plate back up. Even though every cell of his body seemed to be angry at me, he still managed to pick up the delicately cut pieces of bread and make me eat them without even saying a word to me. Yunho was always like this when he was outraged - he wouldn’t speak and instead just glared at things and gritted his teeth. I had never before been a victim to his rage and the glares he was shooting me were extremely unnerving.
I felt scared. And suddenly every bite I took and every clump I swallowed seemed to become more and more impossible. I felt weak like my stomach was unstable and needing relief for itself.
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the clammy feeling on my forehead and trying to calm my distressed stomach. But it was of no use for even my stomach was angry at me and trying to punish me.
In a panic, I pushed Yunho aside and started retching as the acid from my stomach led the way up my throat. At first nothing would come out but frightening noises from the back of my throat but then a few seconds after I had gasped for breath I was retching again and the food stored within me splattered near Yunho’s boots.
I couldn’t move, my hands clutching desperately onto the side of the bed as my stomach heaved wildly within me. It didn’t help that my dilemma was infuriating Yunho even more.
“Oh great. Truly fantastic, JaeJoong. Reject days’ worth of the food I’ve given to you to get better!”
I couldn’t respond to him as the third wave of retching hit me. But as I gasped for breath in a panic, I felt Yunho finally sliding his hand onto my shaking shoulders. Did he know how calming his gentle, cool hands were for me, not just at this moment but every day?
“I’m sorry,” I groaned, trying to ignore the sour, acidic taste overwhelming my taste buds.
“No. I’m sorry. I’m taking my stress out on you. It’s just…sometimes I get so frustrated that it’s taking so long for you to get healthier.”
“It’s only been four days since we’ve been here,” I tiredly reminded him.
“Yes well…four days is a really long time when you’re in love with the person who is suffering.”
The words stuck in my throat were stolen from me altogether. I could not respond to such a bold declaration. Especially when minutes before, I had stupidly accused him of forsaking me. He was right… I was a disappointment. Who was this paranoid, cold-hearted creature? When would the old JaeJoong break free? I was losing so much faith in his emancipation…
“Can you get Hangeng?” I tiredly requested, burying my head into Yunho’s pillow again.
“I’ll see what I can do,” he promised quietly. But he didn’t leave until he had pressed his cool hand against my forehead and patted my hair gently.
Yunho came back to clean up the mess I had made in his tent and to report back that Hangeng would be here as soon as he finished sewing some poor war victim back together. “But don’t worry, he would have washed his hands first,” Yunho assured me with a silly smile.
I tried to smile back but found this time I had lost the energy to do so. I felt so sorry for Yunho having to take care of my mess like I was a little kid, but he did so without any complaints.
I watched his every move as I lay in exhaustion beside him. If I wasn’t careful, one day my irrepressible bitterness would be mistaken as displeasure towards him. And then he’d finally leave me…
“Hey, wassup!” a cheery voice called from outside.
“Who taught you to say that?” Yunho asked, smiling up at our hyung in deep amusement.
”The boys in medical.”
“I know all the ‘boys’ in medical, so let me give you some advice man-to-man. I’d monitor what they teach you from now on…their mouths are filthier than the latrine grounds.”
“Okay, Yunho-shii, I will take that shit on board.”
“JaeJoong…” Yunho turned to me with a groan. “It has already started. Your doctor has begun to turn uncouth as inevitable as it is, in this camp.” Chuckling, he tried to pat my arm as a goodbye but then realized he still held the dirty cloth in his hands. He made a sheepish smile and then turned to leave the tent. I had wanted to hold onto him, or taken up his hand…anything to let him know I was sorry for my earlier accusations. But I was too tired…
“So Yunho-shii tells me you vomited during your lunch.”
I nodded in embarrassment into the pillow.
“Let’s take a look at you.”
Hangeng shadowed Yunho’s earlier action and examined my forehead. “Well it seems your medicine is working at least,” he said optimistically. “But nothing is swollen out of the ordinary,” he mumbled, carefully feeling the glands at my neck. “And you couldn’t be allergic to the medicine because this vomiting has only happened on this forth day…”
After a bit more prodding and poking, Hangeng finally suggested that maybe my nausea was stress-provoked.
“What has been stressing you more than usual?” he asked, gently.
“Stressing me?” I echoed. Where to start… Bitterness was welling up again and gushing into my blood.
“I’m stressed about not getting better faster. I’m stressed that there is a constant aching in my backside. I’m stressed that I can’t sleep at night anymore and thinking every tiny sound is the enemy coming to take me away again.”
Hangeng nodded in sympathy. There wasn’t much to say…I would somehow have to fight my own demons. But I guess if I was being truly honest with myself, there was something even bigger than all that that was stressing me. I hoped Hangeng didn’t have any outstanding appointments today…
“I don’t want to lie or deny my feelings Hyung, because I’m sick of them lurking here. I’m more than satisfied with having Yunho around again. It’s my own choice that I broke up with him. I’m not regretting it. As long as he’s near me in some way…then it’s enough. It’s more than I could have hoped for but…during lunch I actually thought that Yunho was leaving me for someone else. I thought he’d end up forgetting about me completely - accidental or not. I thought I’d be truly alone again with even him vanishing from my side. Even though I declined the ‘lover’ element in our relationship, I still need him there in any other way, otherwise…what would I have left?”
I closed my eyes and clung onto the hard pillow under my head, like a child depending on a teddy bear for comfort.
“I don’t want him to be with anyone else. Aren’t I a terribly selfish ass?” I laughed bitterly.
“No…that would make you a terribly selfish, possessive ass,” Hangeng teased softly. “Or…just someone passionately in love. Whichever way you choose to view it is fine.”
I felt him affectionately patting my head. “Even if the apocalypse did occur and Yunho found there was somebody else he liked, he would not forget about you. When I watch him…forgive the silly comparison, he looks like he has discovered the mysterious treasure box lain under the sand, and opened it to find the precious, irreplaceable gold inside it is a boy named JaeJoong.”
“You are cheesy,” I sighed.
“I do not think I would use cheese to describe me…”
I almost laughed at his cute moment of confusion. “I’m not comparing you to cheese, Hyung. It’s an expression to call your words soppy.”
“I knew that, I was trying to make you laugh,” he lied. “I am not stupid; I am a doctor.”
“And so everyone who isn’t a doctor is intellectually challenged?” I teased. Sometimes I felt like he was a little child who I needed to guide through life.
“Perhaps this is true.”
“Fine, messiah,” I mocked. “With your infinite wisdom, how do I counteract this stress preventing my recovery?”
“Hug Yunho.”
“EH? And this is your miraculous cure?”
He shot me a weary look. I think he was finally building up a resistance to my cynical humour.
“Hug Yunho and ask for him back.”
“Excuse me?” I flatly replied.
“It just seems the obvious solution to me. I cannot understand why you are giving yourself extra stress by pushing him away when in reality you cannot handle him being with anyone but you.”
“H-Hangeng!” I spluttered. “You know he can’t be with me anymore!” Why did I feel so betrayed? And angry?
“You know I could never put him through that agony!”
“Honestly, you are too melodramatic. There is nothing wrong with you at all. You just want to see with your own eyes him chasing you like a loyal dog.”
“Hyung!” I exclaimed. “How could you!”
“Oh…so you want him to be a dog, not to test his loyalty, but because you think he’s not good enough for you?”
“Not good enough for me?! Are you mentally challenged, doctor? I’M not good enough! Maybe I used to be but…definitely not now.”
“So you want to act the victim now? JaeJoong is sad because life slapped him in the face?”
“HYUNG!” I was almost in tears from rage and betrayal. I thought he understood me! Why was he being so cruel?
“I don’t understand you, Hyung! Why are you acting like being raped means nothing at all! And has no consequences! Or has no fear implanted in me!”
Hangeng stared at me, his mouth firmly shut. His eyes were urging me to go on.
“I can’t step outside this tent because I’m absolutely petrified of strangers! I can’t sleep naked because I keep mistaking even the fucking inanimate sheets as someone trying to press me down. The thought of intimacy and sex shortens my breathing and makes me feel sick! And you classify my feeling all this as ‘nothing wrong’?!”
“Yes.” Sigh. “I do call you normal. Because if anyone else here experienced what you did, we would feel the same. You are not the first human to be abused. So you are certainly not the first human to feel all those fears, either.”
“Why are you suddenly agreeing with me?! If you agreed with me you wouldn’t have insulted me with hurtful accusations about my motives! Are you a hypocrite? Are you completely…” I stopped ranting in frustration as realization suddenly sunk in.
“Oh. You do understand it. You…were provoking me?”
“How else would you ever voice your real fears about the assault out loud?” he asked with a sad smile.
I let out a depressed sigh. “Yes… I suppose.”
Now that Hangeng had unlocked my feelings it was hard to hide them away again. The floodgates had opened and the rush of words could no longer be contained. “I fear intimacy. I fear attachment. I fear sex. What use would I be to him? It’s not fair on him to have that new burden. If I can’t handle the fundamental aspects of a loving relationship then why be selfish and drag him along the bland road?”
“But you never used to be, JaeJoong. It’s only a recent change of attitude. It’s your body and mind’s way of dealing with what happened and its way of trying to avoid it in the future. In time you will heal all that. But if you choose to continue hiding away from what frightens you, you will remain lonely and isolated all your life. Or so I have heard…” he added.
“My problems are big enough already for myself. There’s absolutely no point in dragging someone-else down with me,” I stubbornly tried to explain to him.
“He wants to be dragged.”
“That doesn’t make it right! That doesn’t justify hurting someone-else. I wouldn’t wish that on him.”
Did Hangeng understand my dilemma? I wanted my boyfriend back with all my heart…but I didn’t want to ruin anything with my new problems. I wasn’t the old JaeJoong that he knew.
As Hangeng walked back to his medical tasks was he accepting my decision or would he be secretly scoffing at me?
As usual I was too tired to care.
///TBC///
*OMG I’m totally picturing that look he gave in KM Idol world when he was being a brat and sabotaging Sunday and Yunho XD.
A/N: I’m guessing that JaeJoong is becoming so bipolar because he’s trying to MAKE the separation he created work out...but frustrated at his conflicting need to be with Yunho… Oh JaeJoong.
And all that promising that Yunho will find happiness? Yeh that’s next chapter :P
Com~me~nt~ whoo whoo. Lol I'm in a bizarre mood this morning. I can't quite classify it as good or bad yet...
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [9/20?]
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occurred... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of separation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but can he really?
A/N: Sorry there are so many D&Ms these days with Jae etc.. ^^;;
Oh and when i finish replying to all your brilliant comments, I'll post this link to Detox -_-
OST for this chapter:
Take Me Away - Avril Lavigne (4.06 MB) DOWNLOAD!!
JaeJoong’s angry phase:
I feel like I am all alone
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands
It was undeniably bizarre looking around at this new camp. There were the new surroundings, but the same old people. The moment we stepped into it I could already feel how much I didn’t belong in it… The old JaeJoong would have fit into it with ease I’m sure…but this new JaeJoong just couldn’t.
Even now…lying in Yunho’s old bed I felt out of place. It was the same tent we used to share but I couldn’t feel any similarities anymore. I was desperate to get out of this bed and rummage around Yunho’s things trying to find any clue to my past self. It was such a terrible feeling, knowing you were finally back home only to discover that there was no home anymore but a black hole of emptiness.
Who was I?
Yunho had carried me on his back all the way down to this camp and now he was discussing god knows what with the guy who took over his camp whilst he had left to find me. He should have been resting like me after all that walking with my weight burdening him further. But who in their right mind had the authority to tell Jung Yunho to rest and ignore his responsibilities. So, as obvious consequence I was lying alone in his bed with nothing to do but think through my depression and wait for Hangeng to get back with the medicine for my fever.
Yunho had somehow gotten permission for Hangeng to work in the camp’s medical tent. I was happy for Hangeng knowing he’d be safe and still close by. He liked taking care of others so I was sure his medical skills would be a benefit to all in the camp.
Several days later I was still snuggled under Yunho’s sheets, trying to make my body warmer and fight the shivering that the fever was crudely provoking. I had stripped Yunho’s jacket and Hangeng’s old coat off the day I got back because Yunho had found for me my old spare uniform. He had kept it, in some sort of stubborn hope… Lucky he did.
I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel after learning he had really brought it along to this new camp. When I was gone he had put so much effort into taking me along with him… And yet now all his efforts had seemingly gone to waste, for the old part of my life could never fit me now. My body was too foreign to such garments. Even though I used to wear this uniform I felt like I was an imposter, keeping it warm until the old JaeJoong came back for it.
Where was Yunho though? It felt like he was never here anymore. We’d been back for several days but now his superior had come to see him at the camp. He had been gone so long. Was he in big trouble for what he did? Would he be badly castigated? I hated feeling that after all the damage I’d caused I was still burdening him.
He even slept on the floor now. He wanted me to have my space and comfort. He claimed that he couldn’t care less about sleeping on the floor. And then he’d get up early and return to being Major Jung. All I had to do all day and night was sleep in the bed and try to quell the fever. I’d never felt so hopeless in my life.
The embarrassing thing was I only ever slept in the day. When Yunho was here, sleeping next to me on the floor, I felt too vulnerable to sleep. When I had been captured it had been in that surprise attack at night. Being back in that old tent played with my logic…it was filled with transparent, omnipresent threats of old dangers. It was like I had been thrown back into the past…I was the new JaeJoong sleeping where the old JaeJoong should have been and with this new wisdom of mine I was waiting for the surprise attack that might have saved the old JaeJoong.
Of course each night there was no such surprise attack because it was the future, not the past. But this tent laced spells throughout my mind, confusing it and scaring it.
And since Yunho was calmly asleep on the ground, no one would be ready for another attack. I volunteered myself to take on the guarding role, and so after a few days my sleeping patterns locked into reverse. I was no longer Kim JaeJoong but Nocturnal JaeJoong.
I could only allow myself to fall asleep when Yunho woke up. Because of this, Yunho started calling me his owl. I wasn’t sure whether to feel offended or not…making jokes about my larger eyes and ruffled appearance like that!
I scowled and buried my face deeper into the pillow. I should be sleeping now, but fears of Yunho’s continued disappearance was interrupting my sleeping routine. Normally he visited me on his lunch break to make sure everything was all right and to force food into me. But still he was with that big guru and not here…and it was long after his lunch break. What was he doing?
The fragrance floating off his pillow was also bugging me. It definitely wasn’t the smell of Yunho. I had noticed it almost straight away but had tried ignoring it. If it wasn’t Yunho’s scent then…someone else had been sleeping here.
Was it my replacement? Had he been so lonely without me that he’d let someone else lay with him at night? He hadn’t really told me much of what he experienced before he came to get me so I couldn’t rule out that possibility. I wouldn’t blame him if it was true but…I’d still feel hurt. That was just my selfish side talking though… If I couldn’t have him then I felt no one else could either.
Eventually my fight with sleep ended and it took hold of me victoriously. But I wished so much that it hadn’t won when I woke up disoriented by the most chilling sound. It was Yunho. And he was laughing. Actually laughing!
I rolled over and stared blearily at the tent’s entrance. Yunho was somewhere outside laughing with someone else. I couldn’t even think of the last time I’d heard him laughing like that. It certainly hadn’t been with me. Why was he laughing when I wanted to cry?!
I hurriedly sat up in disgust, wincing as the sudden action pulled at my backside.
Who was this man he felt so at ease with? That he could laugh so easily with? Who wasn’t a burden to him?
I slid awkwardly out from the bed and hobbled towards the entrance of the tent. I pulled the canvas material loose and stuck my head out suspiciously.*
“How could you, Jung? How could you betray the brotherhood like this?!” The man was grinning from ear to ear a metre or so away from the tent. Yunho was of course standing with his back to me, caught up in the middle of this thrilling conversation.
“I’ve told you how many times already, MinWoo? I have not become a boring suburban housewife!”
“No no, you’ve thrown your manly exterior down good, Jung. The weapon gracing your powerful, masculine hands has been crudely flung away and replaced with…bread scraps. Bullets for crusts. Grenades for crackers. In summary, pants for a dress.”
“You are the most melodramatic man I know!” Yunho was chuckling.
MinWoo huh? Yunho had told me briefly about the men who had set off with him to find me. He had been so thrilled and relieved to find they had all stumbled back into camp with minimal injuries. Was MinWoo the man Yunho had replaced me with? What did he smell like? Did he smell like pillow?!
I had to grip the canvas flap until my fingers lost their colour, just to stop myself from running out and sniffing MinWoo like some sort of crazy DNA test to see if the fragrance matched Yunho’s pillow.
But I guess I had my own ego I wanted to protect and avoid tarnishing with crazy, lunatic behaviour. Yunho was free to do what he pleased. Who was I to scold him for it, especially since he owed nothing to me.
I flung away the flap in frustration and stormed back into bed. By the time Yunho entered it I was still trying to calm down.
“Oh good, you’re awake!” he trilled, annoyingly happy. “I hate having to wake you up when you’re so exhausted.”
“Hm.” I refused to look at him in the eye. His contrasting happiness was infuriating me with every breath. Did he mistakenly assume I was being grouchy because I had just woken up? How wrong he was.
“You forgot about me,” I accused.
“Eh?”
“I wouldn’t think it would ever happen. But you actually forgot about me.”
“What…are you are talking about?”
“Lunch was long ago. I can’t believe I’m so easily forgotten.”
“J-JaeJoong!” he exclaimed in shock. “The General kept me into my lunch break. It’s okay though, I’m not being punished for deserting the camp. Because I was so ‘fearless’,” he scoffed at the word, “in saving a POW…so instead of getting a medal, my reward is not being punished.”
That irritating smile of his…
Seeing the absence of relief for his situation on my face, his emotions seemed to sober up quickly.
“And then I went to see Hangeng-shii for some JaeJoong Menu suggestions… Of course I didn’t forget about you. You’re normally in a deep sleep at this time of day so I didn’t really think the delay would be of much consequence…”
“Oh, but how can I sleep with a bunch of giggling school girls outside the tent?”
“Say that again?”
“You KNOW I sleep in the day! Be more CONSIDERATE!” I yelled.
“It was a five minute conversation!” He exploded back. “And there is a war going on, JaeJoong! Do you honestly expect the bombs to stop falling just so you can have a little nappy-poos?!”
“EXCUSE ME?!” I was so angry I thought my chest was going to burst open. “I don’t expect the war to quieten down! But I DO expect the courtesy of not flirting so loudly when I’m trying to sleep!”
“FLIRTING?!”
“YES. He’s the man who made your pillow smell disgusting, isn’t he!”
“What…are…you…on about?!”
“I can barely stand to put my head on it when the odour of Satan’s smelling salts almost gags me to death!”
“Don’t blame me for that! I haven’t been here for months!”
“SMELL!” I roared, picking up his pillow and flinging it at his face.
He spluttered and pulled it off. When it was lowered I could see uncontrolled rage burning at his flustered skin.
“The Captain who took over for me in my absence used this tent. But we all do sincerely apologise if the aroma is too strong for Princess JaeJoong.
“Princess?! I can’t believe you just said that! I can’t believe you’re so selfish you’d try and pin this all on me!”
“All of what?! The nonsense gushing out of your deluded mouth?”
I took a deep breathe and once again the anger in his eyes chilled me into silence.
“I…am…so…disappointed in you. Accusing me of forgetting to look after you, …accusing me of flirting with a HETEROSEXUAL Sergeant as if I think so little of the past we’ve shared, as if you don’t mean anything at all to me. You are low.”
He walked over and threw the pillow back behind me and slammed the plastic plate holding my lunch onto the floor beside the bed. “Feed yourself.”
He had turned so cold… In the blink of an eye I had turned him against me completely. What was happening?
I rolled onto my stomach and closed my eyes. Within me, a thousand emotions were crashing into each other.
I couldn’t even smile as I heard him storming back into the tent barely a minute later and picking the plate back up. Even though every cell of his body seemed to be angry at me, he still managed to pick up the delicately cut pieces of bread and make me eat them without even saying a word to me. Yunho was always like this when he was outraged - he wouldn’t speak and instead just glared at things and gritted his teeth. I had never before been a victim to his rage and the glares he was shooting me were extremely unnerving.
I felt scared. And suddenly every bite I took and every clump I swallowed seemed to become more and more impossible. I felt weak like my stomach was unstable and needing relief for itself.
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the clammy feeling on my forehead and trying to calm my distressed stomach. But it was of no use for even my stomach was angry at me and trying to punish me.
In a panic, I pushed Yunho aside and started retching as the acid from my stomach led the way up my throat. At first nothing would come out but frightening noises from the back of my throat but then a few seconds after I had gasped for breath I was retching again and the food stored within me splattered near Yunho’s boots.
I couldn’t move, my hands clutching desperately onto the side of the bed as my stomach heaved wildly within me. It didn’t help that my dilemma was infuriating Yunho even more.
“Oh great. Truly fantastic, JaeJoong. Reject days’ worth of the food I’ve given to you to get better!”
I couldn’t respond to him as the third wave of retching hit me. But as I gasped for breath in a panic, I felt Yunho finally sliding his hand onto my shaking shoulders. Did he know how calming his gentle, cool hands were for me, not just at this moment but every day?
“I’m sorry,” I groaned, trying to ignore the sour, acidic taste overwhelming my taste buds.
“No. I’m sorry. I’m taking my stress out on you. It’s just…sometimes I get so frustrated that it’s taking so long for you to get healthier.”
“It’s only been four days since we’ve been here,” I tiredly reminded him.
“Yes well…four days is a really long time when you’re in love with the person who is suffering.”
The words stuck in my throat were stolen from me altogether. I could not respond to such a bold declaration. Especially when minutes before, I had stupidly accused him of forsaking me. He was right… I was a disappointment. Who was this paranoid, cold-hearted creature? When would the old JaeJoong break free? I was losing so much faith in his emancipation…
“Can you get Hangeng?” I tiredly requested, burying my head into Yunho’s pillow again.
“I’ll see what I can do,” he promised quietly. But he didn’t leave until he had pressed his cool hand against my forehead and patted my hair gently.
Yunho came back to clean up the mess I had made in his tent and to report back that Hangeng would be here as soon as he finished sewing some poor war victim back together. “But don’t worry, he would have washed his hands first,” Yunho assured me with a silly smile.
I tried to smile back but found this time I had lost the energy to do so. I felt so sorry for Yunho having to take care of my mess like I was a little kid, but he did so without any complaints.
I watched his every move as I lay in exhaustion beside him. If I wasn’t careful, one day my irrepressible bitterness would be mistaken as displeasure towards him. And then he’d finally leave me…
“Hey, wassup!” a cheery voice called from outside.
“Who taught you to say that?” Yunho asked, smiling up at our hyung in deep amusement.
”The boys in medical.”
“I know all the ‘boys’ in medical, so let me give you some advice man-to-man. I’d monitor what they teach you from now on…their mouths are filthier than the latrine grounds.”
“Okay, Yunho-shii, I will take that shit on board.”
“JaeJoong…” Yunho turned to me with a groan. “It has already started. Your doctor has begun to turn uncouth as inevitable as it is, in this camp.” Chuckling, he tried to pat my arm as a goodbye but then realized he still held the dirty cloth in his hands. He made a sheepish smile and then turned to leave the tent. I had wanted to hold onto him, or taken up his hand…anything to let him know I was sorry for my earlier accusations. But I was too tired…
“So Yunho-shii tells me you vomited during your lunch.”
I nodded in embarrassment into the pillow.
“Let’s take a look at you.”
Hangeng shadowed Yunho’s earlier action and examined my forehead. “Well it seems your medicine is working at least,” he said optimistically. “But nothing is swollen out of the ordinary,” he mumbled, carefully feeling the glands at my neck. “And you couldn’t be allergic to the medicine because this vomiting has only happened on this forth day…”
After a bit more prodding and poking, Hangeng finally suggested that maybe my nausea was stress-provoked.
“What has been stressing you more than usual?” he asked, gently.
“Stressing me?” I echoed. Where to start… Bitterness was welling up again and gushing into my blood.
“I’m stressed about not getting better faster. I’m stressed that there is a constant aching in my backside. I’m stressed that I can’t sleep at night anymore and thinking every tiny sound is the enemy coming to take me away again.”
Hangeng nodded in sympathy. There wasn’t much to say…I would somehow have to fight my own demons. But I guess if I was being truly honest with myself, there was something even bigger than all that that was stressing me. I hoped Hangeng didn’t have any outstanding appointments today…
“I don’t want to lie or deny my feelings Hyung, because I’m sick of them lurking here. I’m more than satisfied with having Yunho around again. It’s my own choice that I broke up with him. I’m not regretting it. As long as he’s near me in some way…then it’s enough. It’s more than I could have hoped for but…during lunch I actually thought that Yunho was leaving me for someone else. I thought he’d end up forgetting about me completely - accidental or not. I thought I’d be truly alone again with even him vanishing from my side. Even though I declined the ‘lover’ element in our relationship, I still need him there in any other way, otherwise…what would I have left?”
I closed my eyes and clung onto the hard pillow under my head, like a child depending on a teddy bear for comfort.
“I don’t want him to be with anyone else. Aren’t I a terribly selfish ass?” I laughed bitterly.
“No…that would make you a terribly selfish, possessive ass,” Hangeng teased softly. “Or…just someone passionately in love. Whichever way you choose to view it is fine.”
I felt him affectionately patting my head. “Even if the apocalypse did occur and Yunho found there was somebody else he liked, he would not forget about you. When I watch him…forgive the silly comparison, he looks like he has discovered the mysterious treasure box lain under the sand, and opened it to find the precious, irreplaceable gold inside it is a boy named JaeJoong.”
“You are cheesy,” I sighed.
“I do not think I would use cheese to describe me…”
I almost laughed at his cute moment of confusion. “I’m not comparing you to cheese, Hyung. It’s an expression to call your words soppy.”
“I knew that, I was trying to make you laugh,” he lied. “I am not stupid; I am a doctor.”
“And so everyone who isn’t a doctor is intellectually challenged?” I teased. Sometimes I felt like he was a little child who I needed to guide through life.
“Perhaps this is true.”
“Fine, messiah,” I mocked. “With your infinite wisdom, how do I counteract this stress preventing my recovery?”
“Hug Yunho.”
“EH? And this is your miraculous cure?”
He shot me a weary look. I think he was finally building up a resistance to my cynical humour.
“Hug Yunho and ask for him back.”
“Excuse me?” I flatly replied.
“It just seems the obvious solution to me. I cannot understand why you are giving yourself extra stress by pushing him away when in reality you cannot handle him being with anyone but you.”
“H-Hangeng!” I spluttered. “You know he can’t be with me anymore!” Why did I feel so betrayed? And angry?
“You know I could never put him through that agony!”
“Honestly, you are too melodramatic. There is nothing wrong with you at all. You just want to see with your own eyes him chasing you like a loyal dog.”
“Hyung!” I exclaimed. “How could you!”
“Oh…so you want him to be a dog, not to test his loyalty, but because you think he’s not good enough for you?”
“Not good enough for me?! Are you mentally challenged, doctor? I’M not good enough! Maybe I used to be but…definitely not now.”
“So you want to act the victim now? JaeJoong is sad because life slapped him in the face?”
“HYUNG!” I was almost in tears from rage and betrayal. I thought he understood me! Why was he being so cruel?
“I don’t understand you, Hyung! Why are you acting like being raped means nothing at all! And has no consequences! Or has no fear implanted in me!”
Hangeng stared at me, his mouth firmly shut. His eyes were urging me to go on.
“I can’t step outside this tent because I’m absolutely petrified of strangers! I can’t sleep naked because I keep mistaking even the fucking inanimate sheets as someone trying to press me down. The thought of intimacy and sex shortens my breathing and makes me feel sick! And you classify my feeling all this as ‘nothing wrong’?!”
“Yes.” Sigh. “I do call you normal. Because if anyone else here experienced what you did, we would feel the same. You are not the first human to be abused. So you are certainly not the first human to feel all those fears, either.”
“Why are you suddenly agreeing with me?! If you agreed with me you wouldn’t have insulted me with hurtful accusations about my motives! Are you a hypocrite? Are you completely…” I stopped ranting in frustration as realization suddenly sunk in.
“Oh. You do understand it. You…were provoking me?”
“How else would you ever voice your real fears about the assault out loud?” he asked with a sad smile.
I let out a depressed sigh. “Yes… I suppose.”
Now that Hangeng had unlocked my feelings it was hard to hide them away again. The floodgates had opened and the rush of words could no longer be contained. “I fear intimacy. I fear attachment. I fear sex. What use would I be to him? It’s not fair on him to have that new burden. If I can’t handle the fundamental aspects of a loving relationship then why be selfish and drag him along the bland road?”
“But you never used to be, JaeJoong. It’s only a recent change of attitude. It’s your body and mind’s way of dealing with what happened and its way of trying to avoid it in the future. In time you will heal all that. But if you choose to continue hiding away from what frightens you, you will remain lonely and isolated all your life. Or so I have heard…” he added.
“My problems are big enough already for myself. There’s absolutely no point in dragging someone-else down with me,” I stubbornly tried to explain to him.
“He wants to be dragged.”
“That doesn’t make it right! That doesn’t justify hurting someone-else. I wouldn’t wish that on him.”
Did Hangeng understand my dilemma? I wanted my boyfriend back with all my heart…but I didn’t want to ruin anything with my new problems. I wasn’t the old JaeJoong that he knew.
As Hangeng walked back to his medical tasks was he accepting my decision or would he be secretly scoffing at me?
As usual I was too tired to care.
///TBC///
*OMG I’m totally picturing that look he gave in KM Idol world when he was being a brat and sabotaging Sunday and Yunho XD.
A/N: I’m guessing that JaeJoong is becoming so bipolar because he’s trying to MAKE the separation he created work out...but frustrated at his conflicting need to be with Yunho… Oh JaeJoong.
And all that promising that Yunho will find happiness? Yeh that’s next chapter :P
Com~me~nt~ whoo whoo. Lol I'm in a bizarre mood this morning. I can't quite classify it as good or bad yet...