Echo of Dusk - Chap X
Title: Echo of Dusk
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [10/25?]
Rating: M15+ --> R18
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occurred... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of separation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but can he really?
A/N: Detox time later if I have time ><
This chapter is another one of my infamous recipes which I like to refer to as Flangst. (Fluff and angst mixed together XD)
Warning: Some of the dream section in italics may not be for the faint-hearted so be careful.
OST for this chapter:
Here I am -Leona Lewis (11.41 MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
From Yunho with love, to JaeJoong.
“Hyung…do you have a minute?”
Hangeng glanced behind his shoulder at the tall soldier and smiled. He had been checking up on JaeJoong but the boy had fallen asleep on him.
“I am going to have to start charging you for this,” Hangeng teased, good-naturedly.
“It’s not JaeJoong this time…it’s…well maybe it is. I wanted to discuss something with you though.”
“You did?”
“Mm…” Yunho mumbled, leading them both outside so as not to wake JaeJoong up.
“This afternoon were you talking to JaeJoong about the assault?”
“A little…”
“I thought so. Is he…getting through it okay?”
“He has never spoken to you about it?”
“No. I wish he would but he doesn’t. And I avoid bringing it up because I don’t want to cause any misery for him when he’s in a stable mood.”
Hangeng sighed in sympathy at the poor man in front of him. “Be patient, Yunho-shii. JaeJoong will talk when he is ready.”
“I’m really trying to be a perfectly patient individual but alas, it’s not working too well for me…” he admitted, dryly. “I’m impatient because I’m not used to being so shut out and helpless when it comes to JaeJoong. I wish he’d talk to me...”
“When he has figured out what he is feeling, I am sure he will let you in. Sometimes it is easier talking to a stranger then someone who knows you extraordinarily well. I am not a stranger but I have had such little experience of your relationship so I guess I practically am a stranger in that sense.”
“He’s having problems with…me?”
“No, of course not! You Koreans all jump to the wrong conclusions…or is it because my Korean is weak?”
“It’s the latter. It’s entirely your fault, hyung,” Yunho tiredly teased. “If he was having serious problems…you would tell me right away, right?”
“Of course.”
“Thank you, hyung.”
Hangeng waved goodnight to the tired man and wandered off to his own sleeping quarters.
Yunho watched him walking and then sighed, slipping his hands into his pant pockets and staring down at his boots. How complicated his life had become. Ever since he had first read the threat of civil war in the newspapers he had had an unshakable feeling of doom over his future. And now here he was stuck in the middle of it and wondering glumly if there would ever be a nice way out of the mess.
Yunho dug at a loose rock with the tip of his boot. He really did need to clean his poor boots… There was barely any spec of clean leather to be seen on the entire pair! He wasn’t a school boy anymore, being caned for uniform infringements but really, he was a Major at the camp; he had an example he needed to maintain!
“DON’T TOUCH HIM!”
Yunho looked up in alarm at the sound of the distressed yell. The deep timbre of his soul mate’s voice was always instantly recognized…as familiar as Yunho’s own name. He loved hearing its melodic tones but at times such as this…to hear such despair and torture lacing the melody…it stirred his heart in painful ways.
JaeJoong was having another nightmare. He’d had quite a few already at night…which was part of the reason, Yunho assumed, that JaeJoong stubbornly tried to stay awake throughout the night. He hated to think of how many terrifying dreams JaeJoong had had when Yunho wasn’t even there in the day to wake him and save him from the torturous acts of his subconscious.
“YUNNNN-”
Yunho pushed the tent flap open violently and bolted towards where his soul mate lay. He’d be dammed if he let JaeJoong suffer through another one of these. Wasn’t the past enough?! Why did the present have to torture him as well, with the events that had escaped from the past and into his vulnerable heart!
“JaeJoongie,” he called, kneeling next to his bed. But JaeJoong was already awake.
“It’s okay, Joongie, it’s okay. It’s over. It’s all over now.”
Yunho closed his eyes sadly as he comfortingly stroked the shaking boy’s head.
But it wasn’t really ‘over’ now was it…
~~~~ ~~~~
The door burst open, accompanied by heavy footsteps. The sinful melody of out-of-time clanking alerted me that there was more than one, this time.
I didn’t look up or move. What was the point; I knew what they wanted.
There was no greeting, just a deep sneer from somewhere in the darkness.
Rough fingers dug into my shoulder painfully, trying to lift me off the ground. I could distinctively feel the calluses marking the man’s hands, against my skin. It made me feel dirty…like I was being tainted by a dark force and every touch would infect my body and turn my skin grey.
“Get UP!” the strange, calloused man roared, frustrated by my stubborn need to stay lying on the cold floor.
I let him lift me up, unenthusiastically obeying his pulling and shuddering at the calluses irritating the skin of my chest..
I could feel his powerful legs separating my own until I was kneeling like a dog. I couldn’t continue on though…with just this action there was already the most indescribable pain between my legs. I could even feel the dried blood which had glued my thighs together. I didn’t want anymore pain…
I couldn’t let him enter me and tear my insides apart again. If I was entered again I would finally break. So I struggled. I could withstand the physical abuse his fist caused to my face, but I was too weak to stop him from grabbing my wild arms and pinning them behind my head. I fell down onto my back and saw him looming over me, his thick, hard erection pressing into my belly.
Please don’t! I was begging helplessly with my eyes. Could he see them? Did he care?
“Behave!” the stranger growled, menacingly. “If you don’t…” he smirked and looked over his shoulder.
With terror stealing my breath and energy, I looked to my right and saw the other men who I had heard coming in earlier. They were holding onto someone almost as roughly as I was being held. It wasn’t another labourer though…it was my Yunho.
“N-No! Please no!” I cried.
“Do as you are told and he won’t have to watch for long.”
Why did that demon sound so smug? Why was our pain a source of happiness for him? The pain of one lover witnessing the destruction of the other lover…how could that possibly be joyful to someone-else? Who were these demons?!
“Don’t hurt him,” I tried to yell but all that came out was a whimper barely louder than a whisper.
“Open your legs!” the demon replied. I had to obey.
“Scream if you want, pretty one. It’ll be more fun for me.”
And as his thick, hot erection pierced through my entrance all I could do was scream until there was no air left in my lungs. I didn’t scream because he wanted me to, but because the pain of my insides burning had thrown me over the edge.
“JAEJOONG!”
I could barely hear my beloved’s scream above my own pain, but my conscious was so used to that beautiful timbre it slipped through under all the other loud noises around me.
My eyes flew open and I stared in despair as I saw him struggling to get to me.”
“Don’t!” I mouthed desperately, trying not to scream again as my body was rocked violently with every thrust.
But he continued to fight against the demons holding him, in order to get to me and throw the demon off me. But he was so outnumbered I don’t know why he even bothered in the first place.
To my horror I saw one of the demons raising his fist and a painful sob shattered my lungs.
“DON’T TOUCH HIM!” I screamed.
I could handle the demons thrusting themselves into me…I always did, but watching them trying to hurt my beloved was something I was not strong enough to take.
“YUNNNN!” I cried out as they hurtled their fist into him. I tried to free myself from the demon grasping me but his grip was too strong.
My sheets fell off me as my sobs grew more vicious.
“JaeJoongie,” my beloved called, suddenly next to me now.
“It’s okay, Joongie, it’s okay. It’s all over now,” he insisted, holding my head desperately against his chest. It was frightening me how dreams and reality seemed harder to differentiate between, these days.
I was so scared of my reality turning back into the past. I could feel the sheets tangled haphazardly around my legs, I could feel the hard pillow under me and yet it still felt like the past had snuck up on me and sucked in all the reality until all that was left was hell.
I tried so hard to concentrate on Yunho’s hands in my hair and on my back, to convince myself that everything was okay and I was safe. But after such a vivid dream it was almost impossible.
Yunho’s lips were caressing my cheeks and forehead now. The soft, contours of his lips stubbornly tried to kiss away the damage my subconscious had just caused me. He was even kissing the clumps of hair stuck against my sweaty cheeks.
In my moment of weakness I wanted him to hold me tightly and pretend like he was strong enough to protect me from the demons constantly coming after me. My arms slid onto his hard back and I pulled him in close.
I tried to control my breathing and take deeper breaths as I let Yunho hug me tightly. I needed so desperately for him to convince me that everything would be okay and that no more demons could find me.
But then my head cleared as the sun broke through the heavy clouds and I carefully pulled away from him again. I hoped that I hadn’t given him any mixed signals by holding onto him so needily like there was nothing I needed more in the world. Even though that was true, he couldn’t know it.
And that was how the evening of my forth day back at camp was spent.
I hadn’t thought things could get much worse. Although the days preceding that had involved dreams, none of them had been as vivid as that nightmare.
But then I had another nightmare which almost killed me - only I wasn’t asleep during it.
That morning I hadn’t fallen asleep when Yunho woke up like I normally did. Maybe deep down I had somehow anticipated something was wrong with this day.
So we had our breakfast together, both sitting side by side on the bed. Yunho had made me small pieces of bread with ham on it - only he had arranged the ham slices into the shape of a smiley face. He liked to call it the “JaeJoong Special.”
Although I appreciated the cuteness…, as a lover of preparing sophisticated meals, I could not help but stare at him like he had lost his mind.
“Just eat it,” he laughed.
“I’m sorry Yunho, but I tend to avoid eating food that is staring at me.”
“Oh c’mon now. It’s being friendly. It wants to be friends with you - it wouldn’t mind if you ate it.”
“Yunho, are you trying to encourage me to eat everyone who smiles at me? That’s a bit alarming.”
“You are so frustrating sometimes!” he groaned. He of course had already finished his meal whilst I had been fussing.
I watched with a small smile as he crawled closer to me and then bent over the plate in my lap. He carefully re-arranged the meat on the bread and then sat back up properly with a satisfied smirk.
I looked down at his creation and rolled my eyes. “Is that ‘L’ supposed to be signifying anything in particular, Jung?”
“That, Kim, is up to your interpretation.”
“I don’t suppose you are trying to fight my fussing with an immature name-calling creation?”
“What name would I be calling you?” he demanded in mock offence.
“Loser.”
“Loser?!” he started laughing. “No…never.”
“What does the ‘L’ stand for then?”
“Lovely~!” Yunho trilled and I smacked him.
“Don’t lie.”
Yunho grinned at me, trying to pull the air of innocence.
I stared at him stubbornly. “Don’t act innocent. Your inner evil is seeping out too strongly.”
“I’m not evil, I’m truthful.”
“I am not a loser!” I cried out, hitting him again.
“I knew a loser once. He went through the same denial as yourself. It was a hard road but eventually he saw the unfortunate truth.”
“Aww,” I sadly replied. “How sweet of you to confide in me about your past self-realisation!”
“Oi! I’m not talking about myself!” he insisted with a groan and pretended to strangle me.
“I got you good!” I laughed proudly, swatting away his hands.
“Yes you did. Now eat your loser bread.”
After such a joyful morning it was hard to think that anything bad would ever happen. So I allowed myself to finally fall asleep as my usual routine predicted…only to wake up in a land of hell.
When my eyes opened, there was someone-else in the tent with me but it wasn’t Yunho. It wasn’t the people who normally visited me either, like Hangeng and Changmin.
I barely had time to register the danger in my half-asleep state. All I could do was stare in horror and confusion as the gun barrel was pointed menacingly to my head.
This man thought I was the Major of this camp because of my location. He thought that if he went for the very top, everything else would collapse easily like a house of cards.
But then my appearance started to register in his puny brain. My hair was dangerously long and my shirt wasn’t tucked in nor even buttoned properly. What kind of Major would look so mangy? Clearly I was not the man he wanted.
“Where’s the man whose tent this belongs to?!” the North Korean demanded.
I couldn’t move or speak. All I could do was stare at him in confusion.
Angered by my silence, the man roughly grabbed me and yanked me upwards off the bed, with such power I hadn’t felt for a while.
I let out a groan as he forcefully swung me around and pulled me against him until I couldn’t move. I couldn’t escape nor comprehend what was happening.
“Call for him. Or I’ll shoot.”
Indeed the hard barrel was digging painfully against my temple. Still I could not speak. I was having trouble interpreting everything that was happening around me. Was it a dream? Or my reality?
All I could feel were his strong arms holding me captive against him. I couldn’t see his face. I could never really see their faces. How long would this take? Would he set my insides on fire as roughly as everyone-else had? When would he be done? When would I be released again?
I had thought we were in the tent but somehow we were outside. In my numbing terror I had blocked out everything but my sense of touch.
“Call him!” the man demanded once again.
Call who? Who else needed to be here? Was there someone-else who wanted to have a go at me as well? How was I supposed to call him if I didn’t know who he was?
“I said CALL HIM!” the man stupidly shouted, unbelievably outraged by my seemingly stubborn silence. “Or I will shoot you. You. Will. Die!”
Die? Death? Did he think I was scared of such a concept? Death was a calming thought; it would always welcome me and lead me away kindly. So why should I be afraid of a concept like death?
I was watching Yunho now. Somehow he was in front of me. But it wasn’t really the Yunho I knew. The Yunho I knew was handsome and gentle and always smiling at me like my very presence was the most precious thing to him.
But this Yunho wasn’t like I remembered. He was still handsome, yes. That was something that I didn’t think could possibly ever change. But the smile I loved so much was hidden and distorted by the most vicious stare I had ever witnessed on anybody.
The muscles his skin was hugging in his arms were beautifully carved as they provided the strong grip of his gun. But it wasn’t me he was wanted to kill…was it?
I exclaimed in pain as I suddenly fell backwards against the man’s hard body and hit the ground roughly. Yunho was wrestling the dead man’s arm off my neck and desperately wiping his disgusting blood off my face.
I could still barely register reality as I was liberated and Yunho’s shaking body enveloped me into a bittersweet embrace. The saviour was trembling in fear of what might have happened, whilst the victim was not.
I felt my eyes closing as I slowly reached over to place my hand on his back in a silent gesture of empathy.
He ignored everyone who was staring at us and lifted me up, taking us back into the tent. I was placed back onto the bed. I could vaguely recall the sounds of a further struggle outside, but it seemed neither of us were concerned with the outcome.
“Were you trying to outrage him enough that he’d end up alerting the whole camp with his shouting?”
I didn’t answer.
“I don’t need protection, why didn’t you call me like he asked?” His tone was one of accusation.
“I didn’t do it for you,” I quietly replied. How cold that sounded… I didn’t want my cold words to hurt him, but I couldn’t control them either.
Maybe one day I’d be able to explain to Yunho why I hadn’t minded the thought of dying in that instance. At that time, there was no Yunho; there was just JaeJoong, the weak boy once more vulnerable to communists and in hell. It’s because of this shifted reality that I had wanted to die. I had thought I was forever damned to be stuck in that hell without Yunho there anymore to provide my light.
In my tortured silence, I could see Yunho slowly figuring everything out.
He had walked away from my bed and turned away from me. He was looking down at the arms crossed protectively against his chest.
Was he… crying?
Oh no. I had not intended for this to happen. How could he dare cry in front of me at this moment? He surely knew how much that would affect me! He had never normally cried with me around; I had never witnessed the small, red, watery eyes or the thin trails of despair rolling down his cheeks, except for that one time a week ago at our old camp. Even then it had really upset me, seeing him so miserable and it hadn’t even been about me that time! It was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed and crunched my heart up terribly.
I had been trying so hard to shield him from any sort of pain inflicted from me…so how had this happened? How had I made him cry?
“Please don’t…do this, Yunho,” I helplessly begged, my voice barely present as I got back off the bed and walked over. I pressed my body tenderly against his back and tried to plant my arm firmly around him from behind.
“So that’s it, huh?” he breathed. “You want to throw everything away just like that.”
Did I have an answer for such a question? Was ‘yes’ adequate for what I was feeling, or was ‘no’? Was answering it that simple?
Eventually I grew sick of staring at his back and slipped away until I was standing in front of him.
“Don’t think whatever you are thinking,” I demanded, staring unwaveringly into his bloodshot eyes.
“I…don’t want you to be unhappy,” he choked out, and I hurriedly blocked the new flow of tears with my long fingers.
“None of us can help that, now can we,” I replied, refusing to lose contact with his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, JaeJoong,” he sobbed, “I thought I’d be saving you. It never occurred to me that even this wasn’t want you were really wanting.”
For the first time in our conversation I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply.
“Maybe I was wrong,” I quietly spoke. “He caught me off guard, I was half asleep.”
“But you weren’t wrong, were you.”
This conversation was driving me crazy. It was much too confronting for me. I refused to keep discussing the need for death with my ex lover.
“Yes I was wrong,” I angrily whispered, refusing to open my eyes. ‘I would still be alone if that had happened. Where’s the salvation in that?”
“I’m sorry you feel so alone. I-I’m trying my hardest,” he sobbed. I could not help but open my eyes after hearing such garbage.
“Stop it Yunho,” I growled. “Didn’t I tell you to stop it?!” I accidentally dug nails hard into his cheeks, making him flinch a little.
“I’m hurting!” I yelled at him. “But you have nothing to do with it!”
I pulled his head down to slam our foreheads together in frustration. “’I’m trying my hardest~,’” he mocked. “Asshole. You didn’t ever have to try in the first place. Just stand next to me and it’s enough,” I softly explained.
I was so sick of feeling sad. I was so sick of avoiding everyone around me. I just wanted some peace…or any amount of happiness. Was I undeserving of even that? But this man…he would not leave me alone. No matter how hard I pushed, he stubbornly resisted. And seeing that resistance…it made me feel more and more desperate to give in and go against all my instincts.
…He might dislike me.
Yunho moved away briefly but then rested his forehead against my bony shoulder.
…He might give up on me.
I turned to stone and looked ahead blankly.
…He might leave me.
My eyes slipped closed as I felt Yunho’s timid fingers gripping my back distraughtly.
…He might protect me.
I timidly reached out to grasp his back in return.
…He might help me.
I leant my cheek against Yunho’s half-buried one, enjoying velvety skin upon velvety skin.
…He might care for me.
Yunho lifted his forehead back off my shoulder and slowly, hesitantly turned his gaze to me.
…He might…love me.
I stared back into his gentle, warm eyes, absolutely mesmerised.
…I might need him…
…I…do need him.
I slowly tilted my head up to catch his soft bottom lip with my own. When he was too slow to react I licked it demandingly to gain entrance into his warm mouth.
I had finally stopped running away. I was no longer denying that there were parts of me which wanted to die. But there was an even bigger part of myself which needed to survive for him.
He obviously needed to be loved as much as I did. As I had stood watching him crying with his back to me I could feel his loneliness so clearly. He had mentioned how alone I was feeling, but what about him? Wasn’t he just as lonely? He knew he hadn’t a proper clue what pain I had gone through in that dark place, which caused this inevitable barrier between us. But I wished he would stop trying so hard to crash through that barrier instead of climbing over it to meet me at the top.
“We’re not really alone, we just thought we were,” I whispered, briefly breaking the kiss before deepening it. The last time we had kissed I had been using it to thank him, and he had used it to say goodbye. But now, weeks later, I was asking for him to come back to me and he was accepting.
My arms had flung themselves possessively around his neck, holding him captive against me. Now that he had made this decision he wasn’t allowed to leave me…I refused to let him leave me.
“I think I’m not so afraid anymore,” I timidly confessed to him, my eyes closing again as I melted into the sensation of his fingers tenderly drowning themselves in the long, thick strands of my hair. He began pulling it back and slid it down over my left shoulder so that he could stare more easily at the pale skin of my neck which he hadn’t viewed in so long. I could feel his warm breath predominantly as his exhales tickled the small hairs around my neck.
“Cut it off for me later,” I demanded, trying to keep the longing out of my voice as I reacted to his gentle treatment of my body.
“Huh?”
“My hair. Cut it shorter, it’s annoying me. I feel like a girl.”
I saw him smile and pull on it teasingly. I could barely restrain a moan as I felt his damp lips caress the patch of skin he had found for himself. It wasn’t that he was turning me on or anything, it was just that his gentleness was something that had lain forgotten for so long. It was almost like an entirely new experience for me.
And that was all he ever did for me in that moment. He was so very careful of how far he went so as not to stir painful memories up. He knew very well this body could only handle limited access at the moment.
He was extremely cautious of even kissing my neck, scared that even that harmless act of affection was going too far. But I hadn’t minded. I knew he would have stopped if I had needed him to.
“How short?” he suddenly asked me, reaching out to grasp my hand and the knife on his belt with the other.
“A little shorter then when we first met?” I suggested and he smiled warmly at me. It seemed as our period of separation had finally ended, so had the small battle inside the camp. Double checking that it was safe, I was pulled out of his tent and towards the river.
Not caring who saw, Yunho carefully slid his fingers into mine as we walked down to the river.
We couldn’t erase the past. But we could recreate our future and start from the beginning again.
///TBC///
Yunho is happy to have his boo back. They have finally taken a huge step together. Nothing is necessarily completely fixed emotion-wise, but it’s definitely a good start… ^^
You finally love me now, right?? RIGHT?? hehe
OOOH looky, It's YunJae doing the "Please Comment" dance! *throws some coins* ^_~ (I'm getting lamer each week...pray for my soul.)
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [10/25?]
Rating: M15+ --> R18
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occurred... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of separation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but can he really?
A/N: Detox time later if I have time ><
This chapter is another one of my infamous recipes which I like to refer to as Flangst. (Fluff and angst mixed together XD)
Warning: Some of the dream section in italics may not be for the faint-hearted so be careful.
OST for this chapter:
Here I am -Leona Lewis (11.41 MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
From Yunho with love, to JaeJoong.
“Hyung…do you have a minute?”
Hangeng glanced behind his shoulder at the tall soldier and smiled. He had been checking up on JaeJoong but the boy had fallen asleep on him.
“I am going to have to start charging you for this,” Hangeng teased, good-naturedly.
“It’s not JaeJoong this time…it’s…well maybe it is. I wanted to discuss something with you though.”
“You did?”
“Mm…” Yunho mumbled, leading them both outside so as not to wake JaeJoong up.
“This afternoon were you talking to JaeJoong about the assault?”
“A little…”
“I thought so. Is he…getting through it okay?”
“He has never spoken to you about it?”
“No. I wish he would but he doesn’t. And I avoid bringing it up because I don’t want to cause any misery for him when he’s in a stable mood.”
Hangeng sighed in sympathy at the poor man in front of him. “Be patient, Yunho-shii. JaeJoong will talk when he is ready.”
“I’m really trying to be a perfectly patient individual but alas, it’s not working too well for me…” he admitted, dryly. “I’m impatient because I’m not used to being so shut out and helpless when it comes to JaeJoong. I wish he’d talk to me...”
“When he has figured out what he is feeling, I am sure he will let you in. Sometimes it is easier talking to a stranger then someone who knows you extraordinarily well. I am not a stranger but I have had such little experience of your relationship so I guess I practically am a stranger in that sense.”
“He’s having problems with…me?”
“No, of course not! You Koreans all jump to the wrong conclusions…or is it because my Korean is weak?”
“It’s the latter. It’s entirely your fault, hyung,” Yunho tiredly teased. “If he was having serious problems…you would tell me right away, right?”
“Of course.”
“Thank you, hyung.”
Hangeng waved goodnight to the tired man and wandered off to his own sleeping quarters.
Yunho watched him walking and then sighed, slipping his hands into his pant pockets and staring down at his boots. How complicated his life had become. Ever since he had first read the threat of civil war in the newspapers he had had an unshakable feeling of doom over his future. And now here he was stuck in the middle of it and wondering glumly if there would ever be a nice way out of the mess.
Yunho dug at a loose rock with the tip of his boot. He really did need to clean his poor boots… There was barely any spec of clean leather to be seen on the entire pair! He wasn’t a school boy anymore, being caned for uniform infringements but really, he was a Major at the camp; he had an example he needed to maintain!
“DON’T TOUCH HIM!”
Yunho looked up in alarm at the sound of the distressed yell. The deep timbre of his soul mate’s voice was always instantly recognized…as familiar as Yunho’s own name. He loved hearing its melodic tones but at times such as this…to hear such despair and torture lacing the melody…it stirred his heart in painful ways.
JaeJoong was having another nightmare. He’d had quite a few already at night…which was part of the reason, Yunho assumed, that JaeJoong stubbornly tried to stay awake throughout the night. He hated to think of how many terrifying dreams JaeJoong had had when Yunho wasn’t even there in the day to wake him and save him from the torturous acts of his subconscious.
“YUNNNN-”
Yunho pushed the tent flap open violently and bolted towards where his soul mate lay. He’d be dammed if he let JaeJoong suffer through another one of these. Wasn’t the past enough?! Why did the present have to torture him as well, with the events that had escaped from the past and into his vulnerable heart!
“JaeJoongie,” he called, kneeling next to his bed. But JaeJoong was already awake.
“It’s okay, Joongie, it’s okay. It’s over. It’s all over now.”
Yunho closed his eyes sadly as he comfortingly stroked the shaking boy’s head.
But it wasn’t really ‘over’ now was it…
~~~~ ~~~~
The door burst open, accompanied by heavy footsteps. The sinful melody of out-of-time clanking alerted me that there was more than one, this time.
I didn’t look up or move. What was the point; I knew what they wanted.
There was no greeting, just a deep sneer from somewhere in the darkness.
Rough fingers dug into my shoulder painfully, trying to lift me off the ground. I could distinctively feel the calluses marking the man’s hands, against my skin. It made me feel dirty…like I was being tainted by a dark force and every touch would infect my body and turn my skin grey.
“Get UP!” the strange, calloused man roared, frustrated by my stubborn need to stay lying on the cold floor.
I let him lift me up, unenthusiastically obeying his pulling and shuddering at the calluses irritating the skin of my chest..
I could feel his powerful legs separating my own until I was kneeling like a dog. I couldn’t continue on though…with just this action there was already the most indescribable pain between my legs. I could even feel the dried blood which had glued my thighs together. I didn’t want anymore pain…
I couldn’t let him enter me and tear my insides apart again. If I was entered again I would finally break. So I struggled. I could withstand the physical abuse his fist caused to my face, but I was too weak to stop him from grabbing my wild arms and pinning them behind my head. I fell down onto my back and saw him looming over me, his thick, hard erection pressing into my belly.
Please don’t! I was begging helplessly with my eyes. Could he see them? Did he care?
“Behave!” the stranger growled, menacingly. “If you don’t…” he smirked and looked over his shoulder.
With terror stealing my breath and energy, I looked to my right and saw the other men who I had heard coming in earlier. They were holding onto someone almost as roughly as I was being held. It wasn’t another labourer though…it was my Yunho.
“N-No! Please no!” I cried.
“Do as you are told and he won’t have to watch for long.”
Why did that demon sound so smug? Why was our pain a source of happiness for him? The pain of one lover witnessing the destruction of the other lover…how could that possibly be joyful to someone-else? Who were these demons?!
“Don’t hurt him,” I tried to yell but all that came out was a whimper barely louder than a whisper.
“Open your legs!” the demon replied. I had to obey.
“Scream if you want, pretty one. It’ll be more fun for me.”
And as his thick, hot erection pierced through my entrance all I could do was scream until there was no air left in my lungs. I didn’t scream because he wanted me to, but because the pain of my insides burning had thrown me over the edge.
“JAEJOONG!”
I could barely hear my beloved’s scream above my own pain, but my conscious was so used to that beautiful timbre it slipped through under all the other loud noises around me.
My eyes flew open and I stared in despair as I saw him struggling to get to me.”
“Don’t!” I mouthed desperately, trying not to scream again as my body was rocked violently with every thrust.
But he continued to fight against the demons holding him, in order to get to me and throw the demon off me. But he was so outnumbered I don’t know why he even bothered in the first place.
To my horror I saw one of the demons raising his fist and a painful sob shattered my lungs.
“DON’T TOUCH HIM!” I screamed.
I could handle the demons thrusting themselves into me…I always did, but watching them trying to hurt my beloved was something I was not strong enough to take.
“YUNNNN!” I cried out as they hurtled their fist into him. I tried to free myself from the demon grasping me but his grip was too strong.
My sheets fell off me as my sobs grew more vicious.
“JaeJoongie,” my beloved called, suddenly next to me now.
“It’s okay, Joongie, it’s okay. It’s all over now,” he insisted, holding my head desperately against his chest. It was frightening me how dreams and reality seemed harder to differentiate between, these days.
I was so scared of my reality turning back into the past. I could feel the sheets tangled haphazardly around my legs, I could feel the hard pillow under me and yet it still felt like the past had snuck up on me and sucked in all the reality until all that was left was hell.
I tried so hard to concentrate on Yunho’s hands in my hair and on my back, to convince myself that everything was okay and I was safe. But after such a vivid dream it was almost impossible.
Yunho’s lips were caressing my cheeks and forehead now. The soft, contours of his lips stubbornly tried to kiss away the damage my subconscious had just caused me. He was even kissing the clumps of hair stuck against my sweaty cheeks.
In my moment of weakness I wanted him to hold me tightly and pretend like he was strong enough to protect me from the demons constantly coming after me. My arms slid onto his hard back and I pulled him in close.
I tried to control my breathing and take deeper breaths as I let Yunho hug me tightly. I needed so desperately for him to convince me that everything would be okay and that no more demons could find me.
But then my head cleared as the sun broke through the heavy clouds and I carefully pulled away from him again. I hoped that I hadn’t given him any mixed signals by holding onto him so needily like there was nothing I needed more in the world. Even though that was true, he couldn’t know it.
And that was how the evening of my forth day back at camp was spent.
I hadn’t thought things could get much worse. Although the days preceding that had involved dreams, none of them had been as vivid as that nightmare.
But then I had another nightmare which almost killed me - only I wasn’t asleep during it.
That morning I hadn’t fallen asleep when Yunho woke up like I normally did. Maybe deep down I had somehow anticipated something was wrong with this day.
So we had our breakfast together, both sitting side by side on the bed. Yunho had made me small pieces of bread with ham on it - only he had arranged the ham slices into the shape of a smiley face. He liked to call it the “JaeJoong Special.”
Although I appreciated the cuteness…, as a lover of preparing sophisticated meals, I could not help but stare at him like he had lost his mind.
“Just eat it,” he laughed.
“I’m sorry Yunho, but I tend to avoid eating food that is staring at me.”
“Oh c’mon now. It’s being friendly. It wants to be friends with you - it wouldn’t mind if you ate it.”
“Yunho, are you trying to encourage me to eat everyone who smiles at me? That’s a bit alarming.”
“You are so frustrating sometimes!” he groaned. He of course had already finished his meal whilst I had been fussing.
I watched with a small smile as he crawled closer to me and then bent over the plate in my lap. He carefully re-arranged the meat on the bread and then sat back up properly with a satisfied smirk.
I looked down at his creation and rolled my eyes. “Is that ‘L’ supposed to be signifying anything in particular, Jung?”
“That, Kim, is up to your interpretation.”
“I don’t suppose you are trying to fight my fussing with an immature name-calling creation?”
“What name would I be calling you?” he demanded in mock offence.
“Loser.”
“Loser?!” he started laughing. “No…never.”
“What does the ‘L’ stand for then?”
“Lovely~!” Yunho trilled and I smacked him.
“Don’t lie.”
Yunho grinned at me, trying to pull the air of innocence.
I stared at him stubbornly. “Don’t act innocent. Your inner evil is seeping out too strongly.”
“I’m not evil, I’m truthful.”
“I am not a loser!” I cried out, hitting him again.
“I knew a loser once. He went through the same denial as yourself. It was a hard road but eventually he saw the unfortunate truth.”
“Aww,” I sadly replied. “How sweet of you to confide in me about your past self-realisation!”
“Oi! I’m not talking about myself!” he insisted with a groan and pretended to strangle me.
“I got you good!” I laughed proudly, swatting away his hands.
“Yes you did. Now eat your loser bread.”
After such a joyful morning it was hard to think that anything bad would ever happen. So I allowed myself to finally fall asleep as my usual routine predicted…only to wake up in a land of hell.
When my eyes opened, there was someone-else in the tent with me but it wasn’t Yunho. It wasn’t the people who normally visited me either, like Hangeng and Changmin.
I barely had time to register the danger in my half-asleep state. All I could do was stare in horror and confusion as the gun barrel was pointed menacingly to my head.
This man thought I was the Major of this camp because of my location. He thought that if he went for the very top, everything else would collapse easily like a house of cards.
But then my appearance started to register in his puny brain. My hair was dangerously long and my shirt wasn’t tucked in nor even buttoned properly. What kind of Major would look so mangy? Clearly I was not the man he wanted.
“Where’s the man whose tent this belongs to?!” the North Korean demanded.
I couldn’t move or speak. All I could do was stare at him in confusion.
Angered by my silence, the man roughly grabbed me and yanked me upwards off the bed, with such power I hadn’t felt for a while.
I let out a groan as he forcefully swung me around and pulled me against him until I couldn’t move. I couldn’t escape nor comprehend what was happening.
“Call for him. Or I’ll shoot.”
Indeed the hard barrel was digging painfully against my temple. Still I could not speak. I was having trouble interpreting everything that was happening around me. Was it a dream? Or my reality?
All I could feel were his strong arms holding me captive against him. I couldn’t see his face. I could never really see their faces. How long would this take? Would he set my insides on fire as roughly as everyone-else had? When would he be done? When would I be released again?
I had thought we were in the tent but somehow we were outside. In my numbing terror I had blocked out everything but my sense of touch.
“Call him!” the man demanded once again.
Call who? Who else needed to be here? Was there someone-else who wanted to have a go at me as well? How was I supposed to call him if I didn’t know who he was?
“I said CALL HIM!” the man stupidly shouted, unbelievably outraged by my seemingly stubborn silence. “Or I will shoot you. You. Will. Die!”
Die? Death? Did he think I was scared of such a concept? Death was a calming thought; it would always welcome me and lead me away kindly. So why should I be afraid of a concept like death?
I was watching Yunho now. Somehow he was in front of me. But it wasn’t really the Yunho I knew. The Yunho I knew was handsome and gentle and always smiling at me like my very presence was the most precious thing to him.
But this Yunho wasn’t like I remembered. He was still handsome, yes. That was something that I didn’t think could possibly ever change. But the smile I loved so much was hidden and distorted by the most vicious stare I had ever witnessed on anybody.
The muscles his skin was hugging in his arms were beautifully carved as they provided the strong grip of his gun. But it wasn’t me he was wanted to kill…was it?
I exclaimed in pain as I suddenly fell backwards against the man’s hard body and hit the ground roughly. Yunho was wrestling the dead man’s arm off my neck and desperately wiping his disgusting blood off my face.
I could still barely register reality as I was liberated and Yunho’s shaking body enveloped me into a bittersweet embrace. The saviour was trembling in fear of what might have happened, whilst the victim was not.
I felt my eyes closing as I slowly reached over to place my hand on his back in a silent gesture of empathy.
He ignored everyone who was staring at us and lifted me up, taking us back into the tent. I was placed back onto the bed. I could vaguely recall the sounds of a further struggle outside, but it seemed neither of us were concerned with the outcome.
“Were you trying to outrage him enough that he’d end up alerting the whole camp with his shouting?”
I didn’t answer.
“I don’t need protection, why didn’t you call me like he asked?” His tone was one of accusation.
“I didn’t do it for you,” I quietly replied. How cold that sounded… I didn’t want my cold words to hurt him, but I couldn’t control them either.
Maybe one day I’d be able to explain to Yunho why I hadn’t minded the thought of dying in that instance. At that time, there was no Yunho; there was just JaeJoong, the weak boy once more vulnerable to communists and in hell. It’s because of this shifted reality that I had wanted to die. I had thought I was forever damned to be stuck in that hell without Yunho there anymore to provide my light.
In my tortured silence, I could see Yunho slowly figuring everything out.
He had walked away from my bed and turned away from me. He was looking down at the arms crossed protectively against his chest.
Was he… crying?
Oh no. I had not intended for this to happen. How could he dare cry in front of me at this moment? He surely knew how much that would affect me! He had never normally cried with me around; I had never witnessed the small, red, watery eyes or the thin trails of despair rolling down his cheeks, except for that one time a week ago at our old camp. Even then it had really upset me, seeing him so miserable and it hadn’t even been about me that time! It was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed and crunched my heart up terribly.
I had been trying so hard to shield him from any sort of pain inflicted from me…so how had this happened? How had I made him cry?
“Please don’t…do this, Yunho,” I helplessly begged, my voice barely present as I got back off the bed and walked over. I pressed my body tenderly against his back and tried to plant my arm firmly around him from behind.
“So that’s it, huh?” he breathed. “You want to throw everything away just like that.”
Did I have an answer for such a question? Was ‘yes’ adequate for what I was feeling, or was ‘no’? Was answering it that simple?
Eventually I grew sick of staring at his back and slipped away until I was standing in front of him.
“Don’t think whatever you are thinking,” I demanded, staring unwaveringly into his bloodshot eyes.
“I…don’t want you to be unhappy,” he choked out, and I hurriedly blocked the new flow of tears with my long fingers.
“None of us can help that, now can we,” I replied, refusing to lose contact with his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, JaeJoong,” he sobbed, “I thought I’d be saving you. It never occurred to me that even this wasn’t want you were really wanting.”
For the first time in our conversation I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply.
“Maybe I was wrong,” I quietly spoke. “He caught me off guard, I was half asleep.”
“But you weren’t wrong, were you.”
This conversation was driving me crazy. It was much too confronting for me. I refused to keep discussing the need for death with my ex lover.
“Yes I was wrong,” I angrily whispered, refusing to open my eyes. ‘I would still be alone if that had happened. Where’s the salvation in that?”
“I’m sorry you feel so alone. I-I’m trying my hardest,” he sobbed. I could not help but open my eyes after hearing such garbage.
“Stop it Yunho,” I growled. “Didn’t I tell you to stop it?!” I accidentally dug nails hard into his cheeks, making him flinch a little.
“I’m hurting!” I yelled at him. “But you have nothing to do with it!”
I pulled his head down to slam our foreheads together in frustration. “’I’m trying my hardest~,’” he mocked. “Asshole. You didn’t ever have to try in the first place. Just stand next to me and it’s enough,” I softly explained.
I was so sick of feeling sad. I was so sick of avoiding everyone around me. I just wanted some peace…or any amount of happiness. Was I undeserving of even that? But this man…he would not leave me alone. No matter how hard I pushed, he stubbornly resisted. And seeing that resistance…it made me feel more and more desperate to give in and go against all my instincts.
…He might dislike me.
Yunho moved away briefly but then rested his forehead against my bony shoulder.
…He might give up on me.
I turned to stone and looked ahead blankly.
…He might leave me.
My eyes slipped closed as I felt Yunho’s timid fingers gripping my back distraughtly.
…He might protect me.
I timidly reached out to grasp his back in return.
…He might help me.
I leant my cheek against Yunho’s half-buried one, enjoying velvety skin upon velvety skin.
…He might care for me.
Yunho lifted his forehead back off my shoulder and slowly, hesitantly turned his gaze to me.
…He might…love me.
I stared back into his gentle, warm eyes, absolutely mesmerised.
…I might need him…
…I…do need him.
I slowly tilted my head up to catch his soft bottom lip with my own. When he was too slow to react I licked it demandingly to gain entrance into his warm mouth.
I had finally stopped running away. I was no longer denying that there were parts of me which wanted to die. But there was an even bigger part of myself which needed to survive for him.
He obviously needed to be loved as much as I did. As I had stood watching him crying with his back to me I could feel his loneliness so clearly. He had mentioned how alone I was feeling, but what about him? Wasn’t he just as lonely? He knew he hadn’t a proper clue what pain I had gone through in that dark place, which caused this inevitable barrier between us. But I wished he would stop trying so hard to crash through that barrier instead of climbing over it to meet me at the top.
“We’re not really alone, we just thought we were,” I whispered, briefly breaking the kiss before deepening it. The last time we had kissed I had been using it to thank him, and he had used it to say goodbye. But now, weeks later, I was asking for him to come back to me and he was accepting.
My arms had flung themselves possessively around his neck, holding him captive against me. Now that he had made this decision he wasn’t allowed to leave me…I refused to let him leave me.
“I think I’m not so afraid anymore,” I timidly confessed to him, my eyes closing again as I melted into the sensation of his fingers tenderly drowning themselves in the long, thick strands of my hair. He began pulling it back and slid it down over my left shoulder so that he could stare more easily at the pale skin of my neck which he hadn’t viewed in so long. I could feel his warm breath predominantly as his exhales tickled the small hairs around my neck.
“Cut it off for me later,” I demanded, trying to keep the longing out of my voice as I reacted to his gentle treatment of my body.
“Huh?”
“My hair. Cut it shorter, it’s annoying me. I feel like a girl.”
I saw him smile and pull on it teasingly. I could barely restrain a moan as I felt his damp lips caress the patch of skin he had found for himself. It wasn’t that he was turning me on or anything, it was just that his gentleness was something that had lain forgotten for so long. It was almost like an entirely new experience for me.
And that was all he ever did for me in that moment. He was so very careful of how far he went so as not to stir painful memories up. He knew very well this body could only handle limited access at the moment.
He was extremely cautious of even kissing my neck, scared that even that harmless act of affection was going too far. But I hadn’t minded. I knew he would have stopped if I had needed him to.
“How short?” he suddenly asked me, reaching out to grasp my hand and the knife on his belt with the other.
“A little shorter then when we first met?” I suggested and he smiled warmly at me. It seemed as our period of separation had finally ended, so had the small battle inside the camp. Double checking that it was safe, I was pulled out of his tent and towards the river.
Not caring who saw, Yunho carefully slid his fingers into mine as we walked down to the river.
We couldn’t erase the past. But we could recreate our future and start from the beginning again.
///TBC///
Yunho is happy to have his boo back. They have finally taken a huge step together. Nothing is necessarily completely fixed emotion-wise, but it’s definitely a good start… ^^
You finally love me now, right?? RIGHT?? hehe
OOOH looky, It's YunJae doing the "Please Comment" dance! *throws some coins* ^_~ (I'm getting lamer each week...pray for my soul.)