Echo of Dusk - Chap XIV
Why Do You Love Me - Garbage (6.54MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
JaeJoong:
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud
I'm standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy...
Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad - Moby (4.04MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
JaeJoong’s D&M
Something tickled my nose, causing it to scrunch up. I fought back the sneeze and opened my eyes into the darkness in slight awareness. The thing…or rather sensation that had woken me up appeared to have been Yunho’s breath. He was still sleeping, but in our sleep we had seemingly moved our faces closer together. I wondered whether I’d be able to touch his nose if I stuck my tongue out far enough.
Too lazy to actually carry through with my experiment, I chose to waste my time by watching him instead. He was finally asleep… For a long time last night all I could hear was the vague murmur of him and Changmin yabbering on about something. Even though they were trying to be quiet it still irritated me. Because the night was already quiet, any sort of murmuring became easily noticeable. And it was loud enough for me to be aware of it, but quiet enough to be undecipherable, so the whole thing was one big frustrating moment. If I couldn’t eavesdrop then there was no point in their speaking. I wanted to smack them or something… But that had required moving and a more lively conscious…
Of course everything around me was still dark - my nocturnal routine never let me down. I wondered what I could do this night to take the boredom away. Usually I played with my hair or smoked or cleaned my boots or anything else that was dirty, by candlelight.
Maybe I’d kick off the entertainment with a cig…
Of course getting out of the bed was another challenge in itself which always took a long duration to fulfil. I didn’t want to wake Yunho up - it was my choice to live during the night; not his. But his sleeping side was on the edge so I always had to climb over him to get free… My choice of side really wasn’t too practical. Call it my nightly obstacle course…
I lifted up the corner of the bed cover on my side and peeled it off me and onto Yunho. I quickly patted his sleeping head before I sat up. Straddling him awkwardly I searched for the ground with my foot. I swung the remaining one up but as I straightened up I smashed into something hard.
“Fuuuuuck!” I hissed, stumbling sideways and grasping my forehead. But my elbow struck the hard thing and something soft fell down onto my bare foot. I yelped and kicked it off me anxiously.
Realising that whatever the thing was in the tent it was most definitely inanimate, I was able to calm down. Sliding onto the floor I waited for my heart rate to slow down. At first I had thought I had smashed into a person…with incredibly hard bones. I was sick of always mistaking things for attackers, really I was. I had escaped from that hell only to be stalked by paranoia…someone up there must really hate me.
Sighing, I rubbed at my stinging forehead again. Yunho… Changmin… it didn’t matter who it was, if it was dark and I was sleepy then I would always panic. Only Hangeng remained to be the one person who hadn’t scared me half to death…possibly because he always woke me up with a song to announce his presence - usually his favourite ditty of: “JaeJoongie boy, rise and shine, the doctor’s in the house and he’s feeling fine.” Honestly, Hangeng was one step away from being a looney. It did the trick though…
I resisted my laughter so as not to awaken Yunho as I reached out to find the tiny fold-up table where he kept the candle. I scrambled around until I found it and then scrambled around some more for the small box of matches. Carefully lighting the match I tried to block the flame’s light out with my body. I didn’t want the sudden, bright light to trigger Yunho’s conscious.
After the candle was burning proudly I hesitantly drew it back and towards the thing that had attacked me earlier. I tilted my head as I stared up at it thoughtfully. It was some sort of black stand supporting something or other.
I moved the candle lower. The thing that had re-enacted a kamikaze scene into my foot was a newspaper lying half crumpled next to me. My heart sped up again as I anxiously grabbed the paper, pre-empting the horror I’d find on the cover story…but there was nothing; it was old.
What the hell was Yunho doing with old newspapers? Had we run out of toilet paper again?
I placed the paper back onto the floor and crawled over to grab the packet of cigarettes in Yunho’s bag.
Sitting by the tent’s exit, I poked my head out to breathe the smoke out into the cold air. I could hear the river gurgling away. It was much closer than our old camp. Honestly, Yunho was an idiot to set up his tent so close to the river…anyone could swim down into our camp like that irritating North Korean rebel group that had almost killed me.
Geez…war made things so much more complicated. Like normal life wasn’t complicated enough! So instead of seeing a beautifully enticing river and thinking: “Ooh, a river! Let’s swim in it and fall asleep sunbaking on the grass!” it was now: “Ahh, a river! Let’s swim in it if there are no dead bodies or shrapnel floating in it! And then run like a motherfucker to dry off in case the enemy sneak up and stab us!”
I blew out more smoke in boredom. Being awake at night was dangerous. There was nothing much to do but think. And God knows how dangerous thinking was…
Lighting up my second cigarette I started to stretch my long legs. I shouldn’t be here right now…I should be cleaning up dishes and cutting up vegetables for the early breakfast rush at the restaurant. What use was I here? At least there I could do something to make people happier and be of some use.
I wanted to see my family…
I wanted to be in the restaurant…
I wanted to hide behind foggy windows and spy on the people walking down the street. I wanted to hide shyly from the handsome, young lawyer I was barely friends with. Not that I didn’t enjoy being with the handsome, young soldier…but it was incomplete. Soldier was only temporary. I knew the soldier well. But I didn’t know the lawyer well at all. His routine, his working hours, his family, his eating habits, where he lived… I didn’t know any of it. I was still a stranger to the lawyer. And it upset me that I’d never properly find these all out - the old Kim JaeJoong had been destroyed, he had died without ever finding it out! I didn’t go to war and come back the next week… I’d gone to war and hadn’t come back. In my absence I had forgotten myself.
…I slept in the day and moved around at night. I slept in my uniform, not naked. I slept with guns and bullets nearby, not wooden spoons and pans. I lived in a tiny tent and not a house. None of these things were me. Nothing was left but this boring, pathetic shell.
I tipped some ash onto the grass and wet my dried lips. I was on my third cigarette already…I’d better ease up or Yunho would be annoyed - this pack had to last a month.
I picked up my candle again and held it close to my face. The cold air was starting to chill my bones; I was craving any sort of warmth.
The light from the flickering flame was discolouring my skin. It looked sick, unhealthy and tainted. Or maybe it wasn’t the candle’s fault, maybe it was my actual reality.
This is why I never slept naked anymore. I didn’t want to touch my own skin let alone view it. Yunho definitely wasn’t allowed to see it. It deserved to be hidden and despised. It was so dirty and no amount of soap would be able to get rid of the filth. So there was nothing left to do but try and hide the decay under clothing. If I ever had to look at it again I would probably vomit.
It was hard to believe that there had actually been a time when I was proud of it. Yes, I had always been on the scrawny side, but there had still been a sort of charm to that which I played on. But what was left to be proud of now? That countless people on this continent had gained unauthorised access to it when the only person I wanted to have such a privilege was Yunho?
How was I special now? What was left that was appealing or alluring? What did I really have to offer? Or was he still here because of pity? A pity companionship…is that really all I am entitled to now?
I blew the candle out once I could see the first specs of the rising sun and returned Yunho’s cigarettes back into his bag without properly zipping it back up.
I stood and stared back the mysterious stand demanding to know why it had parked itself in me and Yunho’s domain. I tried to squeeze passed it and back to Yunho’s bed but it was taking up so much space. It was kind of funny actually…there Yunho was sleeping next to this stand and here I was walking over to meet him…like the old Kim JaeJoong would have done on that narrow street.
Oh.
Ohh.
I stood motionless and felt the sudden rush of shivers down my spine. That was it, wasn’t it? This old stand was acting as a recreation of old memories. I don’t know how I figured it out…it was just something that was so like Yunho - trying to cling to the past.
I walked up to it, unsure of what I was supposed to be feeling. I was stunned, that was for sure…and perhaps confused - why go to so much effort?
I picked up the paper closest to me on the top of the pile and felt the soft, crinkled paper against my finger tips. My heart was hurting. It was swallowing me whole. So many ancient promises, hopes and dreams were under my fingers. All of which had been stolen from me.
If only…
If only.
I eventually placed the paper back down onto the pile, solemnly.
I wasn’t here out of pity. I was here out of confusion.
Yunho still thought I was Kim JaeJoong. He was trying to call him back? Lure him back as if this replica was a ‘wanted sign’, or a piece of cheese the mouse was supposed to run to before it was recaptured.
I’m not a mouse, Yunho. I’m a filthy rat like the ones who live the trenches, the ones the size of someone’s boots, the ones who nibble on soldier’s hands when they are sleeping. I’m dangerous Yunho, be careful. You have no idea who you are dealing with.
I crawled sinisterly over Yunho’s immobile body and bent down to bite the top of his earlobe. It was only a gentle bite for I wasn’t ready for him to awaken just yet. But I could have bitten harder… I could have bitten him so hard that blood could’ve spurted out of the wound and onto my tongue.
Sighing, I slumped back onto my side and nestled down beside him, burying my head into the little patch of warmth under his neck. I didn’t want to hurt him that much…I just wanted him to notice me. Me. ME. Not that Kim JaeJoong, but me.
I couldn’t believe I was jealous of Kim JaeJoong. I wanted Yunho all for myself…I couldn’t handle sharing him with that person. Or any person! He was mine, I needed him!
Lifting my head up I tried starting at his sleeping face as if that simple act would provide me with the complex answers I needed.
I waited…waited….waited, frustrated that behind such a stunningly handsome face there was so much mystery. Even as he slept he looked strong, like nothing could ever harm him. Had he fallen asleep, forgetting to take his mask off? I wanted to see him…not the mystical, perfect façade he always wore around me. In him the answers would lie. Not in this false creation. This false mannequin would only tell me what it thought I wanted to hear. I wanted the absolute truth, the whole meat - not just the tasty part but the fat as well. I needed to hear everything from Jung Yunho…the man whom Kim JaeJoong had liked before his death.
A happy, carefree place was tempting to immerse myself into but to live…to really live, I’d just have to bare the thunderclouds before I got too attached to the happy place. It could disappear at any moment and I’d never see the blue sky again. I loved the blue sky too much to part with it, but if that blue sky was just an image that my troubled mind had created to block all the pain away, then wasn’t it better to part with it? I didn’t want to grow attached to something that would only disappoint me when its true self was discovered. The truth being nothing. Nothing. A nothing world. A world with nothing in it. But if I had to live in this nothing world then at least I wouldn’t be plagued with thoughts of “what if the blue sky was still here” and tortured by missing its presence since I had grown used to that presence and…
What the fuck was I talking about?
Jung Yunho, help me. Take me away from this madness. It’s starting to frighten me. I want to do frightful things like biting through your ear until you bleed, and murdering so many people who have hurt me, and tearing every inch of my skin off because I don’t want it on me anymore.
I took a shaky breath and stared more closely at the soft features I had grown to love so much. The long nose, the delicately curved mouth and beauty mark… I loved every single bone, every inch of his skin. Shame he wouldn’t be thinking the same of me now.
Before you disappoint me in that inevitable moment, I will savour this one last beautiful moment with you.
I leant forward to kiss his forehead and stroked his smooth cheek tenderly. My finger was trembling…it was so hard just waiting for the inevitable pain. I wanted it to be over and done with like a splinter being pulled out from under my finger nail.
I love you, don’t leave me.
I love you, don’t leave me.
I love you, don’t leave me.
I love you, don’t leave me.
I love you, don’t leave me.
My heart raced uncomfortably the whole time I waited for him to wake up from his slumber. When his eyes slid open I could barely breathe.
He sleepily noticed me watching him and reached out to tuck his hand under my ear, stroking the hair that was trailing behind it with a small smile.
My mouth was drying up and my eyesight was starting to blur. He was being so affectionate…I wished that things were different. I still envied Kim JaeJoong for the paradise-like life he had lived in with Yunho, angry that he had taken such a thing for granted.
“Why do you like me?” I asked, closing my eyes to stop the disorientation. “Who do you see? Kim JaeJoong? He died a long time ago, Yunho, and now all you have left is me.” I could barely look at him now.
His features slipped into a frown as he listened to me speak.
“I’m sorry you lost Kim JaeJoong, I know he really loved you. Although he died in a horrible way, he never blamed you. I’m happy you loved him, I really am. But you don’t have to pretend to love me just for his sake. Focus on him, not me. I don’t mind, I won’t be hurt.”
“JaeJoong…”
“You see…that’s not even my name.”
“What is your name?”
“I don’t have a name.”
He kept staring at me, without even a tiny hint of what he was thinking behind that vacant face.
“Where is all this coming from?” he asked slowly. I swallowed the lump in my throat and gazed out past him.
He frowned again and propped himself up onto his elbow to look behind him. “The stand?”
“…”
“I made that for you. No one but you. I wanted you to have a place where you could feel happier in. Safer in. I couldn’t take you back there so…I brought it to you instead. JaeJoong, I…”
“But who really is this JaeJoong you keep referring to?” I didn’t want to cry, I really despised the sensation, but somehow as always, I couldn’t stop the sadness from overflowing.
“He’s lying right in front of me.” Yunho calmly replied. “A few weeks ago I found him and held him and cherished him. When I found him again I found my faith again and I found myself again.”
“You think you have found that JaeJoong but you really haven’t.”
“But I have found him. And I swear to you, that with my restored faith and strength I will help you find him again too.”
I closed my eyes in anger, sick of seeing his face. This was the mannequin talking. Where was Jung Yunho?
“Why are you upset? Why are you crying?” he forlornly enquired. “I don’t understand it…why do you have so little faith in who you are? The person I met at that newspaper stand and the person I’m looking at near this newspaper stand is all the same to me. You look the same, you sound the same and I know you don’t feel the same but that doesn’t change who you are. You’ve lost touch with the past JaeJoong…that’s regrettable but completely understandable. He’s not dead, he’s still here, I can see him shining out now. And I’m not the only one who can.”
He took a deep breathe, staring at me intensely. “Shim Changmin puts up with me in order to see and be with you. Hangeng-hyung came into South Korea, a completely different country to be with you. Because you are you. Because you make them happy…” he smiled. “You make me happy too. I was a really terribly person when you were taken. I scared myself and didn’t have control over myself. The moment I saw you again I felt all of that disappear. You…JaeJoong…no-name…whoever, I need you. You healed that wild persona of mine when you returned. So how can you think that I only like the JaeJoong I first met?”
“I don’t know how to be that person.”
He looked perplexed. “There is no instruction manual, JaeJoong. You are who you are.”
“Why are you always gentle and nice to me like this? Why are you never angry at me? Rude to me? Cruel to me? Why do you hide all that? Are you fake?”
“Why would I be cruel to you? There’s no reason to be!”
“You treat me like I’m about to break. I’m not a porcelain doll; do I look like one to you?”
“O-Of course not, I didn’t mean to…I…”
“Why don’t you hate me? Why aren’t you repulsed by me? It makes no sense and trust me, I’ve put a lot of thought into it.”
“You make me smile, you make me laugh. You make me feel like I belong. You give me purpose. That’s why I don’t ever ‘hate’ you. Our relationship isn’t fake just because there’s more affection than irritation. And as far as the repulsion goes, I get repulsed by many things: the decaying bodies left lying in the fields, the pointless deaths in this war. But those things are all inhumane and worthy of complete repulsion. There’s no way I’d be repulsed of you though. A lot happened to you that is hard for both of us to deal with. But that’s why I admire you. I feel admiration, not repulsion. I’ve never felt any such thing towards you, JaeJoong. Please believe me.”
“You don’t get it, do you? You don’t have any idea how many times this body has been touched. I lost count after the first week.”
“Tell me what happened, JaeJoong. It’s not fair that you should carry such heavy burden. Sometime’s it’s better knowing the actual facts…the imagination is so lethal.”
“Excuse me?” I demanded in deadly soft anger. “You try to imagine what they did to me?! What, does it turn you on or something? Give you cheap thrills?! Why the FUCK would you try to imagine?!”
“I’m trying to UNDERSTAND!”
“I can’t believe this! Whilst I’ve tried so hard to forget all that, you’ve been trying to remember it?!”
“NO!” he exclaimed. “I LOATHE thinking about everything they’ve put you through. I can’t deny it happened, as much as I want to. I have to try and accept it so I can help you through it.”
“Saint Yunho.”
“Stop it! Just…stop it!”
“No YOU stop it! You’re starting to make me ill! All this charitable crap like I’m some hopeless kitten. You CAN’T FIX ME. Who even said I NEED FIXING?! You can’t just throw coins at someone who isn’t asking for them!”
“Stop it, JaeJoong! Stop speaking of yourself with such little respect! Stop demoralising yourself! You are not some homeless man I am throwing coins to on my way to work because I pity you! What a horrible comparison! And I do not treat you nor view you as a helpless kitten!”
“YES you DO!” I scoffed in angry laughter. “Besides, have you ever considered that maybe I am trying to move past all that? I can’t change what happened. But I’m only twenty-five; I don’t want that fear to dictate my whole life. So why should I torture myself by trying to recall it all for your benefit?”
“You’ve told Hangeng about it. I know you have. So why can’t you tell me? You don’t trust me? Why won’t you ever let me in?!”
“Hangeng-hyung was THERE, Yunho! He saw it all. He didn’t need explanations. He understood it all already!”
“You think I wouldn’t understand? I’m TRYING to! I HATE feeling so useless! You think I wouldn’t be able to handle hearing about it?”
“Yes.”
“JaeJoong, I’ve seen a whole lot of horrendous things as a Major in this war. I’ve seen a whole lot more than you think I have. NO-ONE will escape this war without returning home bearing tremendous emotional burdens!”
“But Yunho, dearest,” I mocked, “I already know you couldn’t handle it.”
He stared at me angrily but I could see the confusion slipping into those deep brown eyes of his.
“Let’s see now. Yunho, my ignorant lover, how do you view me with Changmin? What do you know about us? What do you see?”
“I see…him with a crush on you. I see him wanting to kiss you. I see him hating me because I am with you…”
“We have kissed before you know.”
“I know…”
“Would it kill you if we had gone further? All the way?”
“You haven’t so that would be irrelevant.”
I raised my eyebrows provokingly.
“What?! But y-you said that I had been your first…!”
“What if I lied? Would you get angry? Would you?”
“JaeJoong…but…how…when…”
“Is it actually killing you that I slept with Changmin?”
“W-Wh…en?”
Yes. Get angry, Yunho. You foolish man.
“Well he was here yesterday, wasn’t he?”
My eyes widened as the fire burst across my cheek from Yunho’s slap. I slowly turned my face back to look at him.
He was almost hyperventilating, his eyes dangerously narrow. “Stop playing games with me, JaeJoong. It isn’t amusing in the slightest.”
“Games?” I laughed. “But am I? Am I really, Yunho?”
Yes… Get confused lover.
“You are so ignorantly sitting here, thinking you know everything. Why don’t you smell the sheets you are lying on?” I mocked.
I didn’t have a chance to prepare myself for Yunho’s temper as he grabbed my shirt and pulled me off the bed violently, shoving me backwards.
“I said STOP IT! If you tell me you and Shim had sex in MY bed then I will not hesitate to kill you.”
“THANK YOU!” I screamed. “This is the nasty, violent Yunho you were trying to hide from me. Finally I start to see him with my own two eyes. Welcome Jung Yunho, I hope you enjoy your stay!” I laughed merrily.
“DID YOU? OR DID YOU NOT?”
“Did I do what? Touch Changmin’s dick? Feel him inside me? Hear him moaning?”
This time I managed to duck away from his powerful fist and avoid smacking my head against the stand again. He didn’t have to say anything; I could see it all perfectly. He was hating me. The thought of me having sex with Changmin was driving him crazy and wild. He was really hating me…just like I knew he would. Because I had known this would happen…this was the inevitable moment when the fantasy would finally shatter.
“Yunho…” I called out, trying to force all my strength into grabbing his angry hands so that he’d have no other choice but to focus all his anger on my face.
“Yunho!” I called out again. Even though I was trying to prove my point, I couldn’t ignore the pain I was feeling from seeing him so hurt like this.
“No, of course that didn’t happen. It’s not like that for us anymore. I’ve never done anything like that with Changmin. But look at this! That’s just the thought of one person, Yunho. Many people have slept with me. You couldn’t handle knowing about it.”
He was pulling me close to him as soon as I let go of his wrists. He was nestling his head against my shoulder and I could feel him shaking.
“Don’t do that to me, JaeJoong. Don’t do it. Don’t pretend you betrayed me like that to prove some ridiculous point. You can’t do that to me!”
I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes, resting my cheek on the top of his head. “I’m sorry, my darling.”
I waited for both of our heart rates to go back down before I continued talking. “Betrayal…you classify me engaged in sexual relations with other people whilst still in a relationship with you, as betrayal?” I questioned quietly. “Then I’ve betrayed you hundreds of times.”
“What are you trying to kill me about now?”
“We were still together… That time we lost contact…you were still my boyfriend. They assaulted me whilst I was still tied to you. Is this not a form of betrayal?”
“Of course it isn’t. You didn’t choose any of it. Changmin is a choice…not something forced onto you. Don’t you see the difference? If your heart was still with me, then you not have betrayed me.”
“If I did it with Changmin whilst thinking of you, then that isn’t betrayal? Awesome loophole,” I teased weakly.
“Hah.”
I smiled faintly and took in the beautiful scent radiating off from his short hair. “It was…” I whispered into the strands. “It has always been yours. That is why you can’t ever know about that time. I don’t want to upset you because that would upset me most of all.”
“I understand…” he sighed. “You are a beautifully selfless creature.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. My personality is certainly not appealing! It’s cynical and bitter and you’re a fucking masochist if you want to put up with it!”
“Fine. So I’m a masochist. Do I really need a label in order to want to be around you? Besides, you think my personality isn’t rotten? I’m so possessive that every second someone else is left alone with you I go out of my fucking mind. You always get so paranoid about me being ‘fake’ around you? Well here is the truth Kim JaeJoong: I do avoid getting frustrated or angry with you. And sometimes you say things that hurt me and I want to yell at you for it. But I don’t. Because I am constantly paranoid that you will get sick of my personality and leave me. You’ve done it before, right? You tried to get rid of me even after I almost died trying to rescue you. Of course I’m going to be sensitive!”
“It’s MY fault?!” I cried.
“NO! Oh my god…” He whirled around, pulling at his hair with his hands in frustration before he turned to face me again. “Look JaeJoong, I honestly adore you. I love you more than anyone else I’ve ever met. I love the you that I first met and I love the you of today.”
“Stop it! Stop acting!” I begged him.
“I’m not acting, JaeJoong!” he yelled in further frustration. “This is the reality! Look around you, this is me, standing in front of you, letting you know that my whole soul burns for you. Stop trying to run away from me, stop trying to test me! I am not going anywhere! I promise you!”
His chest was heaving, as it tried to keep up with his intense sentiments.
“My duty started hours ago but here I am still trying to yell at you until you see clearly. How loud do I have to yell?”
“Until all the hurt goes away.”
“Then I will. Every morning I will yell at you.” He smiled softly as I started laughing through my watery eyes.
“Do you believe me now?”
“Yes…” I finally admitted. “You built me a newspaper stand.”
“Is that all?! My words for the past hour have had no affect?!” he demanded teasingly, gripping my waist and lifting me upwards.
I laughed harder, wrapping my legs around his hips and kissing him as passionately as I could. I shivered in happiness as I felt his warm fingertips sliding under my shirt and brushing the tiny hairs assembled on my lower back. Tilting my head, I deepened our kiss, completely absorbed by the moment.
“Don’t ask me about what happened in the camp,” I demanded softly, kissing his cheek quickly and continuously.
“Done. Don’t question my feelings for you.”
“Done,” I promised, bending back down to devour his lips.
His hand travelled a little higher and I could feel cool air pressing against my exposed skin as my shirt slipped higher upwards against his hand.
“…Major?”
We stopped our kiss in shock. I couldn’t see who it was with my back the tent’s entrance. I didn’t recognise the voice either, staring anxiously at the changing expression on Yunho’s face for any clue, as his hand pulled the bottom of my shirt back down.
///TBC///
A/N: I dunno what I'm supposed to say. On the one hand I'm relieved that JaeHo got some of their issues out in a D&M but on the other hand I'm sad that not everything is fixed. It's tiring as a writer, HAHAH!! You'll see what I mean next chapter ><
Love your comments, do keep leaving them ^___^
JaeJoong:
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud
I'm standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy...
Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad - Moby (4.04MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
JaeJoong’s D&M
Something tickled my nose, causing it to scrunch up. I fought back the sneeze and opened my eyes into the darkness in slight awareness. The thing…or rather sensation that had woken me up appeared to have been Yunho’s breath. He was still sleeping, but in our sleep we had seemingly moved our faces closer together. I wondered whether I’d be able to touch his nose if I stuck my tongue out far enough.
Too lazy to actually carry through with my experiment, I chose to waste my time by watching him instead. He was finally asleep… For a long time last night all I could hear was the vague murmur of him and Changmin yabbering on about something. Even though they were trying to be quiet it still irritated me. Because the night was already quiet, any sort of murmuring became easily noticeable. And it was loud enough for me to be aware of it, but quiet enough to be undecipherable, so the whole thing was one big frustrating moment. If I couldn’t eavesdrop then there was no point in their speaking. I wanted to smack them or something… But that had required moving and a more lively conscious…
Of course everything around me was still dark - my nocturnal routine never let me down. I wondered what I could do this night to take the boredom away. Usually I played with my hair or smoked or cleaned my boots or anything else that was dirty, by candlelight.
Maybe I’d kick off the entertainment with a cig…
Of course getting out of the bed was another challenge in itself which always took a long duration to fulfil. I didn’t want to wake Yunho up - it was my choice to live during the night; not his. But his sleeping side was on the edge so I always had to climb over him to get free… My choice of side really wasn’t too practical. Call it my nightly obstacle course…
I lifted up the corner of the bed cover on my side and peeled it off me and onto Yunho. I quickly patted his sleeping head before I sat up. Straddling him awkwardly I searched for the ground with my foot. I swung the remaining one up but as I straightened up I smashed into something hard.
“Fuuuuuck!” I hissed, stumbling sideways and grasping my forehead. But my elbow struck the hard thing and something soft fell down onto my bare foot. I yelped and kicked it off me anxiously.
Realising that whatever the thing was in the tent it was most definitely inanimate, I was able to calm down. Sliding onto the floor I waited for my heart rate to slow down. At first I had thought I had smashed into a person…with incredibly hard bones. I was sick of always mistaking things for attackers, really I was. I had escaped from that hell only to be stalked by paranoia…someone up there must really hate me.
Sighing, I rubbed at my stinging forehead again. Yunho… Changmin… it didn’t matter who it was, if it was dark and I was sleepy then I would always panic. Only Hangeng remained to be the one person who hadn’t scared me half to death…possibly because he always woke me up with a song to announce his presence - usually his favourite ditty of: “JaeJoongie boy, rise and shine, the doctor’s in the house and he’s feeling fine.” Honestly, Hangeng was one step away from being a looney. It did the trick though…
I resisted my laughter so as not to awaken Yunho as I reached out to find the tiny fold-up table where he kept the candle. I scrambled around until I found it and then scrambled around some more for the small box of matches. Carefully lighting the match I tried to block the flame’s light out with my body. I didn’t want the sudden, bright light to trigger Yunho’s conscious.
After the candle was burning proudly I hesitantly drew it back and towards the thing that had attacked me earlier. I tilted my head as I stared up at it thoughtfully. It was some sort of black stand supporting something or other.
I moved the candle lower. The thing that had re-enacted a kamikaze scene into my foot was a newspaper lying half crumpled next to me. My heart sped up again as I anxiously grabbed the paper, pre-empting the horror I’d find on the cover story…but there was nothing; it was old.
What the hell was Yunho doing with old newspapers? Had we run out of toilet paper again?
I placed the paper back onto the floor and crawled over to grab the packet of cigarettes in Yunho’s bag.
Sitting by the tent’s exit, I poked my head out to breathe the smoke out into the cold air. I could hear the river gurgling away. It was much closer than our old camp. Honestly, Yunho was an idiot to set up his tent so close to the river…anyone could swim down into our camp like that irritating North Korean rebel group that had almost killed me.
Geez…war made things so much more complicated. Like normal life wasn’t complicated enough! So instead of seeing a beautifully enticing river and thinking: “Ooh, a river! Let’s swim in it and fall asleep sunbaking on the grass!” it was now: “Ahh, a river! Let’s swim in it if there are no dead bodies or shrapnel floating in it! And then run like a motherfucker to dry off in case the enemy sneak up and stab us!”
I blew out more smoke in boredom. Being awake at night was dangerous. There was nothing much to do but think. And God knows how dangerous thinking was…
Lighting up my second cigarette I started to stretch my long legs. I shouldn’t be here right now…I should be cleaning up dishes and cutting up vegetables for the early breakfast rush at the restaurant. What use was I here? At least there I could do something to make people happier and be of some use.
I wanted to see my family…
I wanted to be in the restaurant…
I wanted to hide behind foggy windows and spy on the people walking down the street. I wanted to hide shyly from the handsome, young lawyer I was barely friends with. Not that I didn’t enjoy being with the handsome, young soldier…but it was incomplete. Soldier was only temporary. I knew the soldier well. But I didn’t know the lawyer well at all. His routine, his working hours, his family, his eating habits, where he lived… I didn’t know any of it. I was still a stranger to the lawyer. And it upset me that I’d never properly find these all out - the old Kim JaeJoong had been destroyed, he had died without ever finding it out! I didn’t go to war and come back the next week… I’d gone to war and hadn’t come back. In my absence I had forgotten myself.
…I slept in the day and moved around at night. I slept in my uniform, not naked. I slept with guns and bullets nearby, not wooden spoons and pans. I lived in a tiny tent and not a house. None of these things were me. Nothing was left but this boring, pathetic shell.
I tipped some ash onto the grass and wet my dried lips. I was on my third cigarette already…I’d better ease up or Yunho would be annoyed - this pack had to last a month.
I picked up my candle again and held it close to my face. The cold air was starting to chill my bones; I was craving any sort of warmth.
The light from the flickering flame was discolouring my skin. It looked sick, unhealthy and tainted. Or maybe it wasn’t the candle’s fault, maybe it was my actual reality.
This is why I never slept naked anymore. I didn’t want to touch my own skin let alone view it. Yunho definitely wasn’t allowed to see it. It deserved to be hidden and despised. It was so dirty and no amount of soap would be able to get rid of the filth. So there was nothing left to do but try and hide the decay under clothing. If I ever had to look at it again I would probably vomit.
It was hard to believe that there had actually been a time when I was proud of it. Yes, I had always been on the scrawny side, but there had still been a sort of charm to that which I played on. But what was left to be proud of now? That countless people on this continent had gained unauthorised access to it when the only person I wanted to have such a privilege was Yunho?
How was I special now? What was left that was appealing or alluring? What did I really have to offer? Or was he still here because of pity? A pity companionship…is that really all I am entitled to now?
I blew the candle out once I could see the first specs of the rising sun and returned Yunho’s cigarettes back into his bag without properly zipping it back up.
I stood and stared back the mysterious stand demanding to know why it had parked itself in me and Yunho’s domain. I tried to squeeze passed it and back to Yunho’s bed but it was taking up so much space. It was kind of funny actually…there Yunho was sleeping next to this stand and here I was walking over to meet him…like the old Kim JaeJoong would have done on that narrow street.
Oh.
Ohh.
I stood motionless and felt the sudden rush of shivers down my spine. That was it, wasn’t it? This old stand was acting as a recreation of old memories. I don’t know how I figured it out…it was just something that was so like Yunho - trying to cling to the past.
I walked up to it, unsure of what I was supposed to be feeling. I was stunned, that was for sure…and perhaps confused - why go to so much effort?
I picked up the paper closest to me on the top of the pile and felt the soft, crinkled paper against my finger tips. My heart was hurting. It was swallowing me whole. So many ancient promises, hopes and dreams were under my fingers. All of which had been stolen from me.
If only…
If only.
I eventually placed the paper back down onto the pile, solemnly.
I wasn’t here out of pity. I was here out of confusion.
Yunho still thought I was Kim JaeJoong. He was trying to call him back? Lure him back as if this replica was a ‘wanted sign’, or a piece of cheese the mouse was supposed to run to before it was recaptured.
I’m not a mouse, Yunho. I’m a filthy rat like the ones who live the trenches, the ones the size of someone’s boots, the ones who nibble on soldier’s hands when they are sleeping. I’m dangerous Yunho, be careful. You have no idea who you are dealing with.
I crawled sinisterly over Yunho’s immobile body and bent down to bite the top of his earlobe. It was only a gentle bite for I wasn’t ready for him to awaken just yet. But I could have bitten harder… I could have bitten him so hard that blood could’ve spurted out of the wound and onto my tongue.
Sighing, I slumped back onto my side and nestled down beside him, burying my head into the little patch of warmth under his neck. I didn’t want to hurt him that much…I just wanted him to notice me. Me. ME. Not that Kim JaeJoong, but me.
I couldn’t believe I was jealous of Kim JaeJoong. I wanted Yunho all for myself…I couldn’t handle sharing him with that person. Or any person! He was mine, I needed him!
Lifting my head up I tried starting at his sleeping face as if that simple act would provide me with the complex answers I needed.
I waited…waited….waited, frustrated that behind such a stunningly handsome face there was so much mystery. Even as he slept he looked strong, like nothing could ever harm him. Had he fallen asleep, forgetting to take his mask off? I wanted to see him…not the mystical, perfect façade he always wore around me. In him the answers would lie. Not in this false creation. This false mannequin would only tell me what it thought I wanted to hear. I wanted the absolute truth, the whole meat - not just the tasty part but the fat as well. I needed to hear everything from Jung Yunho…the man whom Kim JaeJoong had liked before his death.
A happy, carefree place was tempting to immerse myself into but to live…to really live, I’d just have to bare the thunderclouds before I got too attached to the happy place. It could disappear at any moment and I’d never see the blue sky again. I loved the blue sky too much to part with it, but if that blue sky was just an image that my troubled mind had created to block all the pain away, then wasn’t it better to part with it? I didn’t want to grow attached to something that would only disappoint me when its true self was discovered. The truth being nothing. Nothing. A nothing world. A world with nothing in it. But if I had to live in this nothing world then at least I wouldn’t be plagued with thoughts of “what if the blue sky was still here” and tortured by missing its presence since I had grown used to that presence and…
What the fuck was I talking about?
Jung Yunho, help me. Take me away from this madness. It’s starting to frighten me. I want to do frightful things like biting through your ear until you bleed, and murdering so many people who have hurt me, and tearing every inch of my skin off because I don’t want it on me anymore.
I took a shaky breath and stared more closely at the soft features I had grown to love so much. The long nose, the delicately curved mouth and beauty mark… I loved every single bone, every inch of his skin. Shame he wouldn’t be thinking the same of me now.
Before you disappoint me in that inevitable moment, I will savour this one last beautiful moment with you.
I leant forward to kiss his forehead and stroked his smooth cheek tenderly. My finger was trembling…it was so hard just waiting for the inevitable pain. I wanted it to be over and done with like a splinter being pulled out from under my finger nail.
I love you, don’t leave me.
I love you, don’t leave me.
I love you, don’t leave me.
I love you, don’t leave me.
I love you, don’t leave me.
My heart raced uncomfortably the whole time I waited for him to wake up from his slumber. When his eyes slid open I could barely breathe.
He sleepily noticed me watching him and reached out to tuck his hand under my ear, stroking the hair that was trailing behind it with a small smile.
My mouth was drying up and my eyesight was starting to blur. He was being so affectionate…I wished that things were different. I still envied Kim JaeJoong for the paradise-like life he had lived in with Yunho, angry that he had taken such a thing for granted.
“Why do you like me?” I asked, closing my eyes to stop the disorientation. “Who do you see? Kim JaeJoong? He died a long time ago, Yunho, and now all you have left is me.” I could barely look at him now.
His features slipped into a frown as he listened to me speak.
“I’m sorry you lost Kim JaeJoong, I know he really loved you. Although he died in a horrible way, he never blamed you. I’m happy you loved him, I really am. But you don’t have to pretend to love me just for his sake. Focus on him, not me. I don’t mind, I won’t be hurt.”
“JaeJoong…”
“You see…that’s not even my name.”
“What is your name?”
“I don’t have a name.”
He kept staring at me, without even a tiny hint of what he was thinking behind that vacant face.
“Where is all this coming from?” he asked slowly. I swallowed the lump in my throat and gazed out past him.
He frowned again and propped himself up onto his elbow to look behind him. “The stand?”
“…”
“I made that for you. No one but you. I wanted you to have a place where you could feel happier in. Safer in. I couldn’t take you back there so…I brought it to you instead. JaeJoong, I…”
“But who really is this JaeJoong you keep referring to?” I didn’t want to cry, I really despised the sensation, but somehow as always, I couldn’t stop the sadness from overflowing.
“He’s lying right in front of me.” Yunho calmly replied. “A few weeks ago I found him and held him and cherished him. When I found him again I found my faith again and I found myself again.”
“You think you have found that JaeJoong but you really haven’t.”
“But I have found him. And I swear to you, that with my restored faith and strength I will help you find him again too.”
I closed my eyes in anger, sick of seeing his face. This was the mannequin talking. Where was Jung Yunho?
“Why are you upset? Why are you crying?” he forlornly enquired. “I don’t understand it…why do you have so little faith in who you are? The person I met at that newspaper stand and the person I’m looking at near this newspaper stand is all the same to me. You look the same, you sound the same and I know you don’t feel the same but that doesn’t change who you are. You’ve lost touch with the past JaeJoong…that’s regrettable but completely understandable. He’s not dead, he’s still here, I can see him shining out now. And I’m not the only one who can.”
He took a deep breathe, staring at me intensely. “Shim Changmin puts up with me in order to see and be with you. Hangeng-hyung came into South Korea, a completely different country to be with you. Because you are you. Because you make them happy…” he smiled. “You make me happy too. I was a really terribly person when you were taken. I scared myself and didn’t have control over myself. The moment I saw you again I felt all of that disappear. You…JaeJoong…no-name…whoever, I need you. You healed that wild persona of mine when you returned. So how can you think that I only like the JaeJoong I first met?”
“I don’t know how to be that person.”
He looked perplexed. “There is no instruction manual, JaeJoong. You are who you are.”
“Why are you always gentle and nice to me like this? Why are you never angry at me? Rude to me? Cruel to me? Why do you hide all that? Are you fake?”
“Why would I be cruel to you? There’s no reason to be!”
“You treat me like I’m about to break. I’m not a porcelain doll; do I look like one to you?”
“O-Of course not, I didn’t mean to…I…”
“Why don’t you hate me? Why aren’t you repulsed by me? It makes no sense and trust me, I’ve put a lot of thought into it.”
“You make me smile, you make me laugh. You make me feel like I belong. You give me purpose. That’s why I don’t ever ‘hate’ you. Our relationship isn’t fake just because there’s more affection than irritation. And as far as the repulsion goes, I get repulsed by many things: the decaying bodies left lying in the fields, the pointless deaths in this war. But those things are all inhumane and worthy of complete repulsion. There’s no way I’d be repulsed of you though. A lot happened to you that is hard for both of us to deal with. But that’s why I admire you. I feel admiration, not repulsion. I’ve never felt any such thing towards you, JaeJoong. Please believe me.”
“You don’t get it, do you? You don’t have any idea how many times this body has been touched. I lost count after the first week.”
“Tell me what happened, JaeJoong. It’s not fair that you should carry such heavy burden. Sometime’s it’s better knowing the actual facts…the imagination is so lethal.”
“Excuse me?” I demanded in deadly soft anger. “You try to imagine what they did to me?! What, does it turn you on or something? Give you cheap thrills?! Why the FUCK would you try to imagine?!”
“I’m trying to UNDERSTAND!”
“I can’t believe this! Whilst I’ve tried so hard to forget all that, you’ve been trying to remember it?!”
“NO!” he exclaimed. “I LOATHE thinking about everything they’ve put you through. I can’t deny it happened, as much as I want to. I have to try and accept it so I can help you through it.”
“Saint Yunho.”
“Stop it! Just…stop it!”
“No YOU stop it! You’re starting to make me ill! All this charitable crap like I’m some hopeless kitten. You CAN’T FIX ME. Who even said I NEED FIXING?! You can’t just throw coins at someone who isn’t asking for them!”
“Stop it, JaeJoong! Stop speaking of yourself with such little respect! Stop demoralising yourself! You are not some homeless man I am throwing coins to on my way to work because I pity you! What a horrible comparison! And I do not treat you nor view you as a helpless kitten!”
“YES you DO!” I scoffed in angry laughter. “Besides, have you ever considered that maybe I am trying to move past all that? I can’t change what happened. But I’m only twenty-five; I don’t want that fear to dictate my whole life. So why should I torture myself by trying to recall it all for your benefit?”
“You’ve told Hangeng about it. I know you have. So why can’t you tell me? You don’t trust me? Why won’t you ever let me in?!”
“Hangeng-hyung was THERE, Yunho! He saw it all. He didn’t need explanations. He understood it all already!”
“You think I wouldn’t understand? I’m TRYING to! I HATE feeling so useless! You think I wouldn’t be able to handle hearing about it?”
“Yes.”
“JaeJoong, I’ve seen a whole lot of horrendous things as a Major in this war. I’ve seen a whole lot more than you think I have. NO-ONE will escape this war without returning home bearing tremendous emotional burdens!”
“But Yunho, dearest,” I mocked, “I already know you couldn’t handle it.”
He stared at me angrily but I could see the confusion slipping into those deep brown eyes of his.
“Let’s see now. Yunho, my ignorant lover, how do you view me with Changmin? What do you know about us? What do you see?”
“I see…him with a crush on you. I see him wanting to kiss you. I see him hating me because I am with you…”
“We have kissed before you know.”
“I know…”
“Would it kill you if we had gone further? All the way?”
“You haven’t so that would be irrelevant.”
I raised my eyebrows provokingly.
“What?! But y-you said that I had been your first…!”
“What if I lied? Would you get angry? Would you?”
“JaeJoong…but…how…when…”
“Is it actually killing you that I slept with Changmin?”
“W-Wh…en?”
Yes. Get angry, Yunho. You foolish man.
“Well he was here yesterday, wasn’t he?”
My eyes widened as the fire burst across my cheek from Yunho’s slap. I slowly turned my face back to look at him.
He was almost hyperventilating, his eyes dangerously narrow. “Stop playing games with me, JaeJoong. It isn’t amusing in the slightest.”
“Games?” I laughed. “But am I? Am I really, Yunho?”
Yes… Get confused lover.
“You are so ignorantly sitting here, thinking you know everything. Why don’t you smell the sheets you are lying on?” I mocked.
I didn’t have a chance to prepare myself for Yunho’s temper as he grabbed my shirt and pulled me off the bed violently, shoving me backwards.
“I said STOP IT! If you tell me you and Shim had sex in MY bed then I will not hesitate to kill you.”
“THANK YOU!” I screamed. “This is the nasty, violent Yunho you were trying to hide from me. Finally I start to see him with my own two eyes. Welcome Jung Yunho, I hope you enjoy your stay!” I laughed merrily.
“DID YOU? OR DID YOU NOT?”
“Did I do what? Touch Changmin’s dick? Feel him inside me? Hear him moaning?”
This time I managed to duck away from his powerful fist and avoid smacking my head against the stand again. He didn’t have to say anything; I could see it all perfectly. He was hating me. The thought of me having sex with Changmin was driving him crazy and wild. He was really hating me…just like I knew he would. Because I had known this would happen…this was the inevitable moment when the fantasy would finally shatter.
“Yunho…” I called out, trying to force all my strength into grabbing his angry hands so that he’d have no other choice but to focus all his anger on my face.
“Yunho!” I called out again. Even though I was trying to prove my point, I couldn’t ignore the pain I was feeling from seeing him so hurt like this.
“No, of course that didn’t happen. It’s not like that for us anymore. I’ve never done anything like that with Changmin. But look at this! That’s just the thought of one person, Yunho. Many people have slept with me. You couldn’t handle knowing about it.”
He was pulling me close to him as soon as I let go of his wrists. He was nestling his head against my shoulder and I could feel him shaking.
“Don’t do that to me, JaeJoong. Don’t do it. Don’t pretend you betrayed me like that to prove some ridiculous point. You can’t do that to me!”
I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes, resting my cheek on the top of his head. “I’m sorry, my darling.”
I waited for both of our heart rates to go back down before I continued talking. “Betrayal…you classify me engaged in sexual relations with other people whilst still in a relationship with you, as betrayal?” I questioned quietly. “Then I’ve betrayed you hundreds of times.”
“What are you trying to kill me about now?”
“We were still together… That time we lost contact…you were still my boyfriend. They assaulted me whilst I was still tied to you. Is this not a form of betrayal?”
“Of course it isn’t. You didn’t choose any of it. Changmin is a choice…not something forced onto you. Don’t you see the difference? If your heart was still with me, then you not have betrayed me.”
“If I did it with Changmin whilst thinking of you, then that isn’t betrayal? Awesome loophole,” I teased weakly.
“Hah.”
I smiled faintly and took in the beautiful scent radiating off from his short hair. “It was…” I whispered into the strands. “It has always been yours. That is why you can’t ever know about that time. I don’t want to upset you because that would upset me most of all.”
“I understand…” he sighed. “You are a beautifully selfless creature.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. My personality is certainly not appealing! It’s cynical and bitter and you’re a fucking masochist if you want to put up with it!”
“Fine. So I’m a masochist. Do I really need a label in order to want to be around you? Besides, you think my personality isn’t rotten? I’m so possessive that every second someone else is left alone with you I go out of my fucking mind. You always get so paranoid about me being ‘fake’ around you? Well here is the truth Kim JaeJoong: I do avoid getting frustrated or angry with you. And sometimes you say things that hurt me and I want to yell at you for it. But I don’t. Because I am constantly paranoid that you will get sick of my personality and leave me. You’ve done it before, right? You tried to get rid of me even after I almost died trying to rescue you. Of course I’m going to be sensitive!”
“It’s MY fault?!” I cried.
“NO! Oh my god…” He whirled around, pulling at his hair with his hands in frustration before he turned to face me again. “Look JaeJoong, I honestly adore you. I love you more than anyone else I’ve ever met. I love the you that I first met and I love the you of today.”
“Stop it! Stop acting!” I begged him.
“I’m not acting, JaeJoong!” he yelled in further frustration. “This is the reality! Look around you, this is me, standing in front of you, letting you know that my whole soul burns for you. Stop trying to run away from me, stop trying to test me! I am not going anywhere! I promise you!”
His chest was heaving, as it tried to keep up with his intense sentiments.
“My duty started hours ago but here I am still trying to yell at you until you see clearly. How loud do I have to yell?”
“Until all the hurt goes away.”
“Then I will. Every morning I will yell at you.” He smiled softly as I started laughing through my watery eyes.
“Do you believe me now?”
“Yes…” I finally admitted. “You built me a newspaper stand.”
“Is that all?! My words for the past hour have had no affect?!” he demanded teasingly, gripping my waist and lifting me upwards.
I laughed harder, wrapping my legs around his hips and kissing him as passionately as I could. I shivered in happiness as I felt his warm fingertips sliding under my shirt and brushing the tiny hairs assembled on my lower back. Tilting my head, I deepened our kiss, completely absorbed by the moment.
“Don’t ask me about what happened in the camp,” I demanded softly, kissing his cheek quickly and continuously.
“Done. Don’t question my feelings for you.”
“Done,” I promised, bending back down to devour his lips.
His hand travelled a little higher and I could feel cool air pressing against my exposed skin as my shirt slipped higher upwards against his hand.
“…Major?”
We stopped our kiss in shock. I couldn’t see who it was with my back the tent’s entrance. I didn’t recognise the voice either, staring anxiously at the changing expression on Yunho’s face for any clue, as his hand pulled the bottom of my shirt back down.
///TBC///
A/N: I dunno what I'm supposed to say. On the one hand I'm relieved that JaeHo got some of their issues out in a D&M but on the other hand I'm sad that not everything is fixed. It's tiring as a writer, HAHAH!! You'll see what I mean next chapter ><
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