This year's Christmas letter is really going to suck
For those who haven't heard, my mother just died. Story behind the cut. It was a dark and stormy night. She'd been shopping with my sister, who was wearing her "Shop 'til you drop" T-shirt. My mother had had a good day: they had gone to See's candy for her regular candy fix and she had gotten a good haul at the mall. They were in the wet parking lot and my mom lost her balance getting into the car. Before my sister could catch her, she went down, breaking her hip and hitting her head.
Many of us in my family are on the frequent faller program - our balance is not good and we fall easily. So even if my sister had been able to catch her, she may have gone down as well. The ambulance came and took my mom to the hospital.
She was awake for hours. She told my sister it was not her fault. (Although Joy may never wear that T-shirt again.) She slipped into a coma around 2 a.m. At 4 a.m., the doctors gave the word for the family to gather.
The hubby and I slept through the 4 a.m. phone call, waking to the 6:30 a.m. call and running down to the hospital. Her brain was bleeding, pushing it aside. She had a DNR (do not resuscitate) order, but brain surgery was an option. We, the family, agreed we wanted to pursue that option. Kaiser Santa Teresa (south San Jose) does not have a neurological unit so she was transported to Redwood City.
All 7 of us siblings were able to get there on Saturday, either before the surgery or immediately after. Four of us are in the Bay Area, 2 are in Nevada, and one in San Diego. San Diego sister ("Charity") had been up in Sacramento for a wedding so she was able to get in earlier than anticipated. Three grandchildren were able to be there in person as well. Those who were not there, called in. Everyone had a chance to say goodbye.
She seemed to defy the odds, coming out of the surgery. She did open her eyes at least once when I was in the room. The task then was trying to get her to wake up and stay awake. I stayed until 4 p.m. on Saturday, leaving so I could get to 5 p.m. Mass. My mother was a died-in-the-wool Catholic, and she would much prefer I go to church than stay at her side. She seemed to be doing well at that point.
I went back to visit on Sunday. Again, she wasn't awake, but she seemed to be doing well. Several of my siblings and nephews were there as well. Since it was Sunday, we read her the readings from Mass and prayed together and sang to her.
Monday I went to work. I clocked out for lunch and called my sister. My mother's brain had started bleeding again and the doctors said there was no hope of recovery. I left and went directly to the hospital.
Kaiser Redwood City was very kind to us. They had planned to move her out of the ICU to a private room, but decided to leave her where she was unless the room was needed for another patient. (So we didn't have to go trying to find where she was.) They brought in extra chairs for us and broke the rule about only 2 visitors at a time in ICU. They let us stay as long as we wanted.
They had unhooked her from everything but the monitor and had her on a morphine drip to ease her pain. It was just a matter of watching her breathing become more and more ragged. She was very strong, though. She was fragile, but she was not giving up. She could have continued like that for days, the nurse said.
I stayed until 1 a.m. Tuesday morning. I had gotten up at 3 a.m. for work and thought I should drive home before I was too tired. One brother (Responsible) went with me. Righteous and Joy stayed with her until she passed at 3:29 a.m. Tuesday morning. I wish I had been able to stay to the end, but there was no way to predict exactly when that would be, and if I had been too tired to drive safely and got into an accident, that wouldn't help any one.
So she's gone and now we have to plan the services. Righteous found out that the cemetary, where she will be in the double plot with my father, is not open on Saturday or Sunday. And then there's Thanksgiving. Maleficent and her husband retired from the Post Office and now work at Kohl's so they could not get off work on Black Friday. That brings us to the following week.
We are having the vigil and rosary on Thursday, Dec. 1. Joy and I were thinking of organizing that, but we will have one of the volunteers from the church who does that as a ministry do that instead so we can concentrate on the funeral planning.
My mother studied at the Eastman School of Music when she was a teenager. She had a beautiful voice. She continued studying voice in college, although she was not a music major. She studied again at San Francisco State when she was working on her teaching credential. Her teacher then thought he could get her into the San Francisco Opera. She already had children so she did not take him up on this. In the past 6 months, she has not been able to sing. This has been one of her greatest regrets, losing her voice.
Because of her strong Catholic faith and love of music, this is going to be a full-music Catholic funeral Mass. I am cantoring and have invited my siblings and nieces and nephews to sing with me. Nothing would make my mother happier than to see her children singing together in church. I figured I was strong enough to sing at my father's funeral; I can do this. I have a friend playing piano. I am getting the music to my sibs in advance, including recordings when I can find them.
Cantoring means I won't be in the pews primarily as a mourner. I am a church musician. This is what I do. This is what she would want. Maleficent does not want to sing, so she will be in the pews. I have not heard from Reckless, but I rather doubt he will want to sing. Joy, Righteous, Responsible (if he's not too emotional that day), and Charity have all said they want to sing, as well as Joy's daughter, Tootsie. Hopefully her son, the Google Puss, will, too. He was at the hospital a lot with us and singing along on "On Eagle's Wings" and "Soon and Very Soon," so I know he can sing and knows the songs.
Life goes on. I had to "delete series" on my Outlook calendar for the reminder to take my mother to church every Saturday afternoon. I'm sure there will be a number of things which will unexpectedly remind me of her and just gob-smack me for a moment. But my mother was a believer her entire life. She always wanted to see Jesus. (She wanted to be alive for the Second Coming.) She always wanted to see Mary. She has been in pain since February with a slow-to-heal vascular wound on her leg. If she had lived, she would have had to deal with the aftermath of a broken hip and brain surgery. She did not like hospitals, and she had told me several times that she was ready to go. It's a time to rejoice as well as to mourn. Alleluia.
Many of us in my family are on the frequent faller program - our balance is not good and we fall easily. So even if my sister had been able to catch her, she may have gone down as well. The ambulance came and took my mom to the hospital.
She was awake for hours. She told my sister it was not her fault. (Although Joy may never wear that T-shirt again.) She slipped into a coma around 2 a.m. At 4 a.m., the doctors gave the word for the family to gather.
The hubby and I slept through the 4 a.m. phone call, waking to the 6:30 a.m. call and running down to the hospital. Her brain was bleeding, pushing it aside. She had a DNR (do not resuscitate) order, but brain surgery was an option. We, the family, agreed we wanted to pursue that option. Kaiser Santa Teresa (south San Jose) does not have a neurological unit so she was transported to Redwood City.
All 7 of us siblings were able to get there on Saturday, either before the surgery or immediately after. Four of us are in the Bay Area, 2 are in Nevada, and one in San Diego. San Diego sister ("Charity") had been up in Sacramento for a wedding so she was able to get in earlier than anticipated. Three grandchildren were able to be there in person as well. Those who were not there, called in. Everyone had a chance to say goodbye.
She seemed to defy the odds, coming out of the surgery. She did open her eyes at least once when I was in the room. The task then was trying to get her to wake up and stay awake. I stayed until 4 p.m. on Saturday, leaving so I could get to 5 p.m. Mass. My mother was a died-in-the-wool Catholic, and she would much prefer I go to church than stay at her side. She seemed to be doing well at that point.
I went back to visit on Sunday. Again, she wasn't awake, but she seemed to be doing well. Several of my siblings and nephews were there as well. Since it was Sunday, we read her the readings from Mass and prayed together and sang to her.
Monday I went to work. I clocked out for lunch and called my sister. My mother's brain had started bleeding again and the doctors said there was no hope of recovery. I left and went directly to the hospital.
Kaiser Redwood City was very kind to us. They had planned to move her out of the ICU to a private room, but decided to leave her where she was unless the room was needed for another patient. (So we didn't have to go trying to find where she was.) They brought in extra chairs for us and broke the rule about only 2 visitors at a time in ICU. They let us stay as long as we wanted.
They had unhooked her from everything but the monitor and had her on a morphine drip to ease her pain. It was just a matter of watching her breathing become more and more ragged. She was very strong, though. She was fragile, but she was not giving up. She could have continued like that for days, the nurse said.
I stayed until 1 a.m. Tuesday morning. I had gotten up at 3 a.m. for work and thought I should drive home before I was too tired. One brother (Responsible) went with me. Righteous and Joy stayed with her until she passed at 3:29 a.m. Tuesday morning. I wish I had been able to stay to the end, but there was no way to predict exactly when that would be, and if I had been too tired to drive safely and got into an accident, that wouldn't help any one.
So she's gone and now we have to plan the services. Righteous found out that the cemetary, where she will be in the double plot with my father, is not open on Saturday or Sunday. And then there's Thanksgiving. Maleficent and her husband retired from the Post Office and now work at Kohl's so they could not get off work on Black Friday. That brings us to the following week.
We are having the vigil and rosary on Thursday, Dec. 1. Joy and I were thinking of organizing that, but we will have one of the volunteers from the church who does that as a ministry do that instead so we can concentrate on the funeral planning.
My mother studied at the Eastman School of Music when she was a teenager. She had a beautiful voice. She continued studying voice in college, although she was not a music major. She studied again at San Francisco State when she was working on her teaching credential. Her teacher then thought he could get her into the San Francisco Opera. She already had children so she did not take him up on this. In the past 6 months, she has not been able to sing. This has been one of her greatest regrets, losing her voice.
Because of her strong Catholic faith and love of music, this is going to be a full-music Catholic funeral Mass. I am cantoring and have invited my siblings and nieces and nephews to sing with me. Nothing would make my mother happier than to see her children singing together in church. I figured I was strong enough to sing at my father's funeral; I can do this. I have a friend playing piano. I am getting the music to my sibs in advance, including recordings when I can find them.
Cantoring means I won't be in the pews primarily as a mourner. I am a church musician. This is what I do. This is what she would want. Maleficent does not want to sing, so she will be in the pews. I have not heard from Reckless, but I rather doubt he will want to sing. Joy, Righteous, Responsible (if he's not too emotional that day), and Charity have all said they want to sing, as well as Joy's daughter, Tootsie. Hopefully her son, the Google Puss, will, too. He was at the hospital a lot with us and singing along on "On Eagle's Wings" and "Soon and Very Soon," so I know he can sing and knows the songs.
Life goes on. I had to "delete series" on my Outlook calendar for the reminder to take my mother to church every Saturday afternoon. I'm sure there will be a number of things which will unexpectedly remind me of her and just gob-smack me for a moment. But my mother was a believer her entire life. She always wanted to see Jesus. (She wanted to be alive for the Second Coming.) She always wanted to see Mary. She has been in pain since February with a slow-to-heal vascular wound on her leg. If she had lived, she would have had to deal with the aftermath of a broken hip and brain surgery. She did not like hospitals, and she had told me several times that she was ready to go. It's a time to rejoice as well as to mourn. Alleluia.