[torchwood] Daring to Hope
Title: Daring to Hope
Fandom: Torchwood (where the slash is canon.)
Pairing: Jack/Ianto. past pairings of Jack/Suzie, Jack/Martha. Past pairings of Jack/Gwen and Jack/John implied.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Five times Ianto wasn't jealous, and one time he was.
Spoilers: up to 2x13: Exit Wounds. I'm ignoring Children of Earth. It never happened.
Notes:
For those on my f-list who don't know too much about Torchwood, I've made a video introduction to it here. Things not mentioned in the video: Jack is from the 51st-century and has more advanced/developed/whatever pheromones. Apparently these pheromones are really good.
Also, the first section may confuse non-Torchwood-fans. Ianto originally joined Torchwood because his girlfriend had been half-converted into a Cyberwoman (a common villain in Doctor Who). He was trying to rehabilitate her, but he needed Torchwood's equipment to do it. Cybermen are highly dangerous, however, so her very existence could have destroyed Torchwood and nearly did. Ianto hides her in the basement, unbeknownst to Torchwood - until episode 4, when she breaks free. Everything after the first section takes place post-episode-4.
.................................................................................................
1. Suzie Costello
They were never anything official. Ianto knows that Suzie was sleeping with Owen mostly, but he’d also noticed all of the little unnecessary touches, the lingering gazes, the less-than-subtle innuendos, between Jack and Suzie. He wasn’t sure they had anything even resembling an arrangement, but he knew they weren’t just talk.
Ianto walked in on them one morning in the Archives - Suzie pinned up against the wall with her legs wrapped around Jack’s waist, their clothes half-off, kissing like it was the end of the world. Ianto knew how those kisses felt - he’d always sort of wondered what they looked like. He gave a gentle cough to let them know he was there, and they pulled away from one another, panting. Suzie looked vaguely guilty; Jack just looked smug.
“The Archives?” Ianto said, raising his eyebrows, as Suzie buttoned up her shirt and Jack pulled up his braces.
Jack grinned. “It’s the closest thing we have to a library.”
It didn’t bother him, because he figured that Suzie’s intentions were probably purer than his own. There was only one reason he was sleeping with Jack (though it certainly helped that Jack was so attractive). Ianto wasn’t so foolish as to think that Jack could be consciously swayed from his duty to Torchwood just for a good shag, but a post-coital Jack was a distracted Jack, and it certainly helped in building his trust. Ianto hated it; not once had he truly enjoyed an encounter with Jack because beneath the bliss of sex, he felt sick inside.
2. Gwen Cooper
The night Jack taught Gwen how to shoot, Ianto was watching on the CCTV. He wasn’t specifically watching for them - Jack hadn’t mentioned he was going to be in the shooting range, and Ianto hadn’t exactly been expecting gunfire. So he checked all the monitors, and found them there - Jack with his hands on Gwen’s hips, pressed into her back, Gwen’s hand clenching and unclenching as Jack murmured in her ear. Ianto didn’t turn on the sound, but he didn’t need to. Jack could make anything sound sexual, and when it came to guns the work was practically done for him.
Jack came up to the tourist booth later, and was obviously startled to see Ianto. “I thought you’d left,” he said. “I just came up to turn off the lights.”
“She has a boyfriend,” Ianto said. He tried to make it an offhand remark, but he knew it came out sharper than he meant. That wasn’t jealousy, however - that was just annoyance. He’d checked up on Gwen, before she had been recruited. Well, he’d had access to her entire hard drive - it had been impossible to resist, with his gut telling him it wouldn’t be the last time they’d see her.
Jack shrugged, hands in his pockets. “She might have mentioned that.”
“Rhys Williams,” Ianto informed him. “Born and raised in Cardiff, works in shipping and handling. No police record, attended a local community college.”
“What’s your point, Ianto?” Jack looked positively bored, and Ianto’s frustration grew.
“Only that I would hate to see a happy relationship destroyed simply because you like the challenge. Sir.”
Jack blinked at him, just as surprised at Ianto’s sudden insolence as Ianto himself. But Ianto didn’t back down: he looked Jack in the eye until it was Jack who turned away. “You should get going,” Jack said over his shoulder. “It’s late.”
Ianto didn’t worry about Gwen any more. He figured he’d done all he could: Jack didn’t take orders, and if Gwen was going to betray her boyfriend, certainly Ianto couldn’t stop her.
3. Captain John Hart
When John Hart exploded into their lives it was the worst possible timing. Ianto didn’t get a moment to talk to Jack - welcome him home, kiss him or hold him or punch him in his perfect jaw for leaving them without so much as a goodbye. Instead, they had a bunch of radiation cluster bombs to find, so Ianto settled for giving Jack the coldest shoulder he could manage. Of course, then Jack went and asked him on a date - dinner and a movie, of all things - and Ianto considered making some comment about how he thought weevil hunting was Jack’s idea of a date. But the bitterness stopped in his throat, because when he looked over, Jack’s face was suddenly serious, and... vulnerable, Ianto even dared to think. Like it actually mattered to him whether Ianto accepted.
Jack and John had a history - Ianto had heard that as well as everyone else. Jokes about wives and lasting longer. John seemed to Ianto like a more abrasive - and probably less trustworthy - version of Jack. But Ianto didn’t miss the way they looked at each other. John just looked smug, but Jack looked like it was nothing short of a nightmare, his past invading his present. Ianto had no worries about John - Jack was far from being happy to see him.
Ianto wanted to refuse Jack, wanted to shut him down quickly and carelessly, just to show him how it felt. But Jack looks at him with those soft blue eyes, and Ianto folds every time.
“As long as it’s not in an office,” Ianto said, and turned away to hide his uncertainty. He was letting Jack in again, trusting him. It could only end badly. Jack rarely meant to hurt anyone, but he always did, and Ianto knew even then that he was only the latest in a long line of broken hearts. He had probably just made one of the biggest mistakes of his life, and so he tried to quell the giddiness bubbling up inside of him. He tried to speak normally as he talked about floors and roofs and actually managed to give Jack an order. Jack didn’t bristle at the insubordination; he moved to the door as if to obey.
And then he actually had to check, make sure that Ianto was really accepting. “Was that a yes?”
“Yes,” Ianto said, exasperated. Then, when Jack looked a bit alarmed at his vehemence, Ianto said it again, softer. “Yes.” You idiot, did you ever think I could say no? Of course, yes. There had never been any other answer.
4. Dr. Martha Jones
Martha was never a threat, nor had she ever tried to be. When she leaned up and kissed Jack right on the lips, Ianto knew it was curiosity. He understood that. With the reputation Jack had, and especially considering Ianto’s comments about his creativity, it was understandable. Ianto saw Jack’s brow crease a bit, his eyelashes flutter as if he was trying to figure out whether he should close his eyes. He was kissing her back, Ianto could see, but quite chastely. It was slow and sweet and there was nothing even remotely sexual about it.
When she pulled away, Jack tilted his head and quirked an eyebrow in question. She smiled, a smile that for a moment made Ianto wonder if she hadn’t once had feelings for him. But then it broke into a laugh and she said, “Well, everyone else has had a go!”
If she had loved Jack once, Ianto wouldn’t mind. With his confidence and charm, most everyone falls a little bit in love with Jack.
5. Gwen Cooper (again)
When Jack cut in on Gwen and Rhys’ dance, Ianto just shook his head. Gwen would always worship Jack - it was hard not to. He was the dashing hero. He seemed like the kind of man that existed only in fairy tales. But Rhys was the keeper, the constant, the loyal husband, the good-natured father. Jack was excitement, danger, sensuality. Ianto wasn’t sure he ever wanted stability after what had happened with Lisa, and in that Jack was perfect for him. Gwen, on the other hand, would settle down. She would maybe start a family, or at least get a dog or something. She liked domesticity just as much as she liked danger, and with Rhys as her husband and Jack as her boss she would get a healthy dose of both.
This dance looked like a farewell. They were standing a little too close for propriety, speaking in tones a little too intimate. But Ianto thought that they probably always would.
He stepped in when he noticed Rhys glancing over with the beginnings of uncertainty in his eyes. He could feel Jack turning his head to look at Gwen and Rhys, and waited. When Jack’s focus returned to him, Ianto squeezed his hand in silent condolence, and felt Jack’s smile against his cheek.
He memorized this moment: the fabric of Jack’s shirt under his hand, the warmth of Jack’s palm, the brush of Jack’s hair against his temple, the smell of those intoxicating pheromones. He pressed every detail into his mind, because years ahead, long after Jack had left him, he would remember this - the moment when Jack acknowledged, in front of friends and co-workers and dozens of strangers, that Ianto was more than just a part-time shag.
...and one time he was.
The Doctor returned a few days before Christmas. It was pouring rain outside, and Ianto was huddled under his umbrella, returning to the Hub with a plastic bag of Chinese takeaway under his arm. The smell of chow mein and hot and sour soup overpowered the smell of wet cement; despite the weather, Ianto was in a good mood. Jogging across the Plass, he didn’t at first take notice of the flashing light in the corner of his eye.
But then something began to solidify, and Ianto glanced over. A blue box. Police Public Call Box, it read. With those four words, Ianto’s breath left him. His grip tightened on the takeaway until the Styrofoam creaked.
He didn’t wait for the Doctor to step out. He stalked up to the box and rapped sharply on the door. He felt as if he was having an out-of-body experience - challenging a nine-hundred-something-year-old whatever-he-was who had sonic weaponry and more pull with Jack than Ianto ever would. It was not the brightest idea he’d had that week.
The door opened and a head popped out. Wide eyes and thick, tousled brown hair. Ianto had never met the Doctor, but he was willing to bet this was him. It was his eyes, mostly - they weren’t just wide, they looked a little insane, like even he wasn’t sure what he was going to do next.
“Yes, hallo there,” he said, smiling brightly. “Can I help you?”
Ianto straightened his shoulders and mustered up every last scrap of courage he had in him. And then, as he opened his mouth to say you can’t have him, you can’t take him away again, he’s not yours anymore... It went out of him. Because he realized, in that moment, that it didn’t matter if the Doctor was here for Jack or just passing through. It didn’t make a difference, because Jack would go if he wanted to, whatever anyone said. Jack would do just as he damn well pleased. As he always had. And even the Doctor couldn’t change that.
Ianto sighed, and the Doctor got a concerned little frown on his face. He slipped out of the box, and then leaned against the closed door with his hands in the pockets of his slightly rumpled brown suit. He opened his mouth, but Ianto spoke first.
“Just... give him time to say goodbye,” Ianto said. “Please.”
Then he turned and walked away, heading to his tourist booth. At the same moment, Jack leaped off the lift and into perception, running past Ianto without even a glance.
Ianto waited until he was in the back, behind bead curtains, with Gwen safely in the depths of the Hub. Then he sat in his chair, leaned his head back against the wall, and closed his eyes against the sting of tears. He bit his tongue until it passed.
The Hub was empty, these days. Tosh and Owen, and now Jack, all gone. With just himself and Gwen, Ianto wasn’t sure that Torchwood could even stay afloat. He remembered the bustling halls of Torchwood One, white walls and ceiling and floor, thousands of people running about with no real purpose. It hadn’t felt like fighting for the safety of the world. It had felt like just another office. Ianto had liked Torchwood Three for its intimacy. It was smaller, and so it felt every loss more deeply. It was a good thing. It made people care.
But in that moment, Ianto longed for dry bureaucracy and crowded hallways. In that world, he would never have fallen for his boss.
Jack didn’t return that night, and Ianto told Gwen as gently as he could what had happened. She didn’t cry - she got angry, angrier perhaps than Ianto has ever seen her. She called Jack all sorts of names, most of them justified - selfish bastard, she hissed, and Ianto didn’t defend him. He slept at the Hub that night, in Jack’s bed where it smelled like him.
The next morning, Ianto wakes up, feeling - for a split second - warm, safe, content. Wrapped up in the scent of Jack and what feels like his arms, but then Ianto remembers, and he opens his eyes. The sensation of Jack holding him, he figures, is merely the last vestiges of a dream.
Then the world comes into focus, and everything solidifies - including the arm around his waist and the leg tangled between his.
“You left,” Ianto whispers, closing his eyes again in case it really is a dream.
“We just went for dinner,” Jack says. His breath ruffles Ianto’s hair. “We had things to talk about. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was just... distracted. He does that to me.”
Ianto has never been jealous of any of Jack’s entanglements, whether romantic or sexual or even platonic. Jack loves everyone in his own way, and mostly, Ianto is simply grateful to be a part of that. But the Doctor brings out Jack’s wild side, that wanderlust that is rarely seen by Torchwood. And Jack feels a strange sense of duty to him that Ianto doesn’t understand and probably never will. It chokes his throat with the unfamiliar bitterness of envy. The Doctor appears, and Jack drops everything to run to his side.
Except this time, apparently.
“Are you staying? For good, Jack, I mean it. Don’t get our hopes up. We need you here, but if you’re going, then just...”
“Yes.” Jack runs his fingers through Ianto’s short hair, whispering the word into his hairline. Ianto raises his head to look Jack in the eye. “I’m not going to say it’s not tempting. Everything out there, so many things I still haven’t seen. It’s incredible, the beauty, the wonders you can find out there. But you’re right. Torchwood needs me. The Doctor doesn’t.”
Ianto sits up, slipping out of Jack’s embrace. Jack leans up on his elbow, his expression unusually solemn. Ianto just stares at him, looking for any kind of crack in his sincerity, and Jack waits.
“I promise,” Jack says, sounding almost defensive. “I’m staying for good this time. I mean it.”
“I believe that you mean it,” Ianto says. “I just don’t believe that you can keep that promise.”
Ianto can see the beginnings of a smile on Jack’s face as he leans forward earnestly, opening his mouth to reassure Ianto of his fidelity. And then Ianto sees the realization, as Jack understands exactly what he means. Jack’s smile fades.
“Oh,” he says. “I see.”
Ianto is silent. He waits for Jack to say something to make it all okay.
“I’m staying,” Jack repeats, touching his forehead to Ianto's, so close that they are only inches away from a kiss. “For as long as I possibly can.”
This, Ianto can believe. He lets Jack come to him, closes his eyes but doesn’t return the kiss. He sits, and lets Jack kiss him.
“You’re going to leave someday,” Ianto says. His tone is calm, because intellectually he had come to terms with this long ago.
“Yes,” Jack acknowledges, now brushing the tip of his nose against Ianto’s. “But when I do, I promise to say goodbye.”
Jack kisses him again: not the fierce, soul-sucking kisses Ianto was so used to. Light, gentle kisses, unusually romantic. He trails kisses across the corner of Ianto’s mouth and up his jaw line. Ianto laughs, because in all of Jack’s passion and innovation and sensuality, he had never imagined this.
Jack smiles against his temple. “Promise,” he says again, and this time, when he pulls away and kisses Ianto on the mouth, Ianto doesn’t hesitate. He leans into the kiss, closes his eyes, and dares to hope.