Ranting
So, I've managed to fall in love with my roommate. This wasn't a problem - hell, he was single and we were fine cuddling to stay warm in a house kept colder to save on bills. But within the last month he got himself a girlfriend, and I've been in upside-down world since.
I feel used and thrown away, and despite the fact he tells me he considers me a close friend I can't shake the feeling I'm only in that position because I'm a roommate and after the lease ends and I move I'll never hear from him again. The thought that he'll always be important in my memories and I'll probably never be thought of again hurts like hell.
I can't shake the feeling that she stole him from me though I never had him to being with. The reasoning doesn't make it any better. She stole him, she stole the only place I'd been offered to live in BG for next year, she stole my fucking sanity by tearing apart my life.
I have to see him every fucking day, SMELL him even when he's not in the house. I've flown off the handle a number of times just because his scent's wafted to my room. Normally ends with a slammed door. I want to just scream at him, tell him to just go move in with DC Bunny and Avery and make that happy little household and leave my fucking life already so I can move on. It hurts so much to see everyone else spending time with him and the closest I'll get is a weekly hour of laundry. It fucking hurts that he was so close, and now he's still physically close and so far away.
I hate myself for being unable to move on, unable to handle it. I've gone from mentally unstable to mentally broken and physically sick, and I barely care half the time anymore. It's not like I'm going to get anywhere in this economy anyway. I'll be just a part-time consultant not good enough for anything else if I can even get that, because I'm not good enough to be a computer science person and I'm not enough to be a designer and I'm not enough to even be considered over a fencer.
If I had become a fencer, I bet I could have been in the running.
I don't even know where I stand with him. He's told me and I still don't know. I can't tell what the hell goes on in his head.
I can't get anything else out right now. I can't keep things coherent enough to type them out.