i woke up this morning, with a piece of past caught in my throat
you watched in awe, at the red white and blue on the fourth of july...
(I started writing this entry at 5am on July 5th. It's now 7:30am on July 10th, and its become a novel. but its worth it, you'll see. or at least it is to me.)
its been a long time since ive stayed up till it was light outside.
ive been trying for a while to approach a recap enry. it took a long time to get to, and looking through a lot of pictures trying to remember things. and i left some stuff out to be sure and romanticized other things. and i also existed, technically, before i was sixteen. but for the most part in this entry i tried to be true, to think and capture what was most important, what i want to remember and what i want to forget in the most meaningful time of my life so far. its also a tribute to friends and love and people that i care about a lot. and, its something to preserve to be able to look back on in a few months, when things will be a little different but hopefully just as good.
and finally, enough of that, i also just tried to be really kickass and make myself look interesting and have a good sense of humor
it took me five days, and here is what came out:
summer '04 was pretty solid. i was 16 years old and junior year had been packed and stressful but i was finally getting awake and thinking and being myself, and most importantly found my best friends. friday crew. all of that sorta came together in the summer. we made a lot of memories. spent a week in massachusetts and that killer few days in chicago that i still miss. i also got the most hardcore into certain things and cared a lot about music and ideals and the world and such.
soundtrack: against me!, 1905, leftover crack, desaparecidos, sunbrain, defiance ohio, crimpshrine, this bike is a pipe bomb, and last but not least... hot sauce!
last day
chicago
we jumped off a bridge. twice
september was the beginning of senior year, and it was welcome enough.
soundtrack: descendents, violent femmes
one of the few pix i have from that time, 80's dance twins house
by october, this was no longer the case as the novelty had worn off and school was pointless again.
and soon enough it was november. my birthday, the day after the election, and yeah, i guess, so begins the peak of the nearly losing it phase.
well, not dealing with any work in school anymore, i procrastinated with everything, stopped sleeping, got lost searching for colleges, started finding everything useless, thought really existentially, had a ton of self-doubt, and was way jaded and cynical. huzzah!
it was during this time period that my photography teacher was concerned i was doing coke cause i was such a mess
so, this was a pretty low time for me. after the fact i saw that i needed it and there were still a lot of good moments from october through december. but i mean, i was depressed so most of the time it just sucked
a lot of my relationships intensified during this point from friends who helped me out a lot and cared and made things better.
but i was also wrapped up and bummed and going crazy and it was all something internal i had to get over myself anyway so i didnt really reach out too much and others suffered at the same time.
much of this was documented in long lj entries packed with a downward spiral of teenage angst and overanalyzation and disillusionment
but, you can count on pictures to capture happy moments
soundtrack: hot water music, explosions in the sky, modest mouse, fugazi
this happened to be one of the most fun and random days ever at townsend, it was halloween
at the height of the election simulation
nerf gun battle
halloween dance party sleepover
'the dolphin'... now one of the biggest inside jokes
more school
too random
october battle of the bands
funny
november was also the sock hop
late november or december school action (rachel just happened to post these old pictures last week, so they were a real surprise flashback to see)
we are going to college together
december i got into an accident and totaled the car not even two months after having my license, just hours after i had gotten my lip ring, and on the same night my sister flew in from college in portland to be home for a week. yep, i had successfully become a teenager. the fact that things couldve been so much worse made things seem a little less harsh afterwards and somehow i didnt get grounded for life. it did change things a little
the combination of winter and this pahse made life really strange and made me pretty crazy.
i was late to school by one to three hours 4 out of 5 mornings and didnt really care.
and i watched waking life a lot.
i guess eventually, the only thing that made sense was doing things to feel alive
soundtrack: modest mouse, the smiths, rites of spring, sunny day real estate, piebald, i hate myself, murder by death, no cash, twelve hour turn, the appleseed cast
my sister took these. it was nice with her home too
on new years eve, we hung out and slept over at rachels. we stayed up all night in her basment. i made everyone watch donnie darko half asleep at 3 in the morning.
we managed to stay awake unil it was already morning and we decided to go out and see the sunrise
that whole feeling alive thing again
maybe it worked.
january was turning things around a bit. i had found out about the internship and had a decision about staying in school or leaving. obviously, performance space 122 won, both because it seemed so right and becuase i knew i was jsut too lazy to make it through another term of school.
soundtrack: bright eyes, saves the day, lots of plan-it-x, joanna newsom, ben kweller, against me!, jawbreaker, the moldy peaches
that was also the senior trip... and the villa roma coma.
plus taryn's birthday karaoke party in the city
january, the 27th, was also the first time i saw a certain girl at a certain urban academy who knew a certain raffi and paolo who i didnt know then would become the most important person in my life in the next few months. but lets not get ahead of things
february was the next start. no more regular high school, tests, or homework. i finished applying to colleges. interning began and was the best choice i made. i got to sleep until 10 in the morning and went into the lower east side every monday to thursday and had fridays and weekends off. got to go back to townsend once or twice a month with no obligations. i was getting healthier and feeling better about stuff
this was a major transition and it all happened quickly and smoothly with no looking back.
soundtrack: desaparecidos, pixies, choking victim, drive like jehu
this month was the party party in washington heights. finally wanted to go to one, and it made a lot more sense to be going with best friends.
so as it turned out it was the first time i drank a lot, i got really wasted, i didnt know my limits, and the night turned out a little more unexpected. but it was a necessary learning experience.
that was that.
february also included 'man night': the epic snowball fight and joking superbowl party complete with o'doul's non alcoholic beer and vegan ribs
though we ended up watching the puppy bowl instead
additionally there was paolo and raffi's musical and a couple more visits to urban.
march. finally march.
this was the month where things really turned around
i finally fully ditched that depression and cynicism and was getting myself pretty together
i felt better, was healthier, slept more, thought more posi, and was having an awesome time at ps122
i realized how much i liked sara. with some help from cupid raffi, and getting over shyness and intimidation, my fourth time there, we finally got to talk for a while and i asked her on a date (yes!). it also helped that she liked me anyway.
and march 25th we ate at a hip restaurant in the lower east side, saw 'gorilla man' the rock opera at performance space, and had our first kiss... and second and third.
soundtrack: joy divison, sonic youth, carrie nations, explosions in the sky, atom and his package
from march 10th
teatime hangout at the roy house
the march on march 19th
from the 31st when we hung out at central park
finally, the most ridiculous picture of me i could find from march
april was a really good month and a lot happened. it finally got warm outside and we had our first springtime hangout of the year in washington square
soundtrack: bent outta shape, radon, spoke, X
in the middle of the month i took the final college visits to massachusetts and vermont to decide what school i was going to.
eventually i decided here
hampshire
over
here. bennington
which also meant that i wasnt going to evergreen state in olympia washington, an hour and a half away from my sis... which is what i was set on for so many months.
but i feel like i made the right choice.
vermont hotel room
getting lost in the woods in massachusetts, it was beautiful there
catching a sunset on the road
work was reaching its peak point. i slept later and later, would get in around one, do fun stuff for a few hours, and leave early to hang out.
and i still got to go back to school some fridays
whether to pick up valuable informational pamphlets
or, to see my friends
April 15th
then the urban academy soccer game in the afternoon
later that night some difficult stuff happened
but thats what the people that you love are there for.
slept over at la casa roy.
i started spending a lot of time with sara.
april 20th
look familiar? thats the original i used to make this.
i visited my grandparents in massachusetts for a weekend at the end of the month. always nice to be there
i remember taking this at 3 in the morning
i want one of these so bad.
and i saw a nice sunset on the way home
april 30th was another sleepover at paolo and raffi's
we played hackeysack in the pouring rain around midnite
and took lots of funny pictures, such as
so i left april feeling really happy
may was pretty relaxed and went by fast
soundtrack: rilo kiley, wilco, the sissies, the get up kids, neutral milk hotel, the faint
more visits to urban academy
picnic number one in central park
yeah, we're best friends... wanna fight about it?
hardcore red rover
<3
us kids and mr duke in the spark office in school... home sweet home
another favorite picture
then i got a haircut
and wound up in florida for four days for a wedding.
and before we knew it, it was june.
the end of senior year, end of internship, end of townsend harris.
seventeen and a half years, four years, one year, whatever, it was one way of life and now it was over.
heres to you, high school.
id say we went out with style
soundtrack: the smiths, naked raygun, the arcade fire, yeah yeah yeahs, saves the day, animal collective, the cure
prom
we survived seaside fucking heights...
...largely thanks to the photo booth
and the ultra intense frog catapault game
where we won these
made it home alive
june 8th was my last day at performance space and they took me out to lunch as a farewell. i kinda miss everyone there. june 9th was the recognition ceremony for all the few hundred of us interns at city as school, which i spoke at.
we were the last kids involved in the program, at least for now, because after 30 years the program is being cut due to lack of funding. which sucks, cause it really helped me and a lot of other people, id fight for it to keep going
the 9th was also paolo's birthday
and we all went pretty crazy
june 15th was the last day of regular classes. i think this about sums it up:
that night we spent at hayden's
after graduation rehearsal
meanwhile,
im in love
summer! at hope's beach club for the first time
graduation party at my house and fun with my cousins
so cute...
but also deadly
grad party at kyle's the next day
finally, graduation itself june 28th
done
this is the expression you make when you've jsut graduated high school
the last day of high school, ever, was on june 29th to pick up our diplomas and say our goodbyes.
i managed to accidentally sleep through it. all of it.
i woke up to the ring of my cell phone, looked at the time, saw it was 12:45, did the usual double take jump out of bed. picked up, it was hope. she said everyone assumed id just be late as usual, though now the day was over anyway.
for once i couldnt believe id overslept so bad and was cursing at myself but pretty soon i was just laughing a lot. in a few minutes i got dressed and was in the car, turned on the radio and was greeted with the opening guitar riff of "smoke on the water".
sped to school and got there in less than ten minutes, went to guidance and picked up all my stuff, and happened to see some of the only people that really mattered who were still there anyway: harrison, mr. duke, and eugene to. i also saw ms. chung on the way out and gave her a big hug for being the best teacher i'd had there every year and helping me get into college.
gave one final salute to the security guards, and that was it.
after the fact, i realized how ironic and funny and fitting an ending it was. missing the last day completely, the car ride witht that badass song playing and speeding to school jsut to pick up a diploma and leave...its true, i probably couldnt have scripted it better.
it was perfectly messed up.
lastly came the amazing graduation/birthday/start of summer party sleepover at ksenia's dads way too cool house in new jersey, from july 2nd to 3rd.
it looks like there are eighty of us. and we all sorta look like we could be zombies here. in fact it was more like a dozen of us... and we're not zombies
a hot tub...and so the good times began
the high life
we rule
fireworks at the carnival we went to
and the next day, back to the hot tub
it seemed right at the time
chloe is just unreasonably cute
"no kyle, i dont think you should do that... go away."
no... we weren't posing
i love this girl
i love this... paolo?
hooray!
yep, its a tough life
farewell
on the way home, after taking the train we stopped in hoboken on the water just before it got dark.
i
love
you
sara
those brothers roy
goodnite
and so...thats it.
thats my life, until now. in the longest. lj entry. ever.
writing this was big for me. im really relieved i got it all down cause it also gives me some closure about the end of high school
and at the same time, there is no sepctacular ending to all of this, it just trails off...
we're right in the middle of everything, now more than ever, and we still have a whole summer to go.
lets hope things keep getting better
thats all ive got.
thanks for reading it.
love,
josh
(I started writing this entry at 5am on July 5th. It's now 7:30am on July 10th, and its become a novel. but its worth it, you'll see. or at least it is to me.)
its been a long time since ive stayed up till it was light outside.
ive been trying for a while to approach a recap enry. it took a long time to get to, and looking through a lot of pictures trying to remember things. and i left some stuff out to be sure and romanticized other things. and i also existed, technically, before i was sixteen. but for the most part in this entry i tried to be true, to think and capture what was most important, what i want to remember and what i want to forget in the most meaningful time of my life so far. its also a tribute to friends and love and people that i care about a lot. and, its something to preserve to be able to look back on in a few months, when things will be a little different but hopefully just as good.
and finally, enough of that, i also just tried to be really kickass and make myself look interesting and have a good sense of humor
it took me five days, and here is what came out:
summer '04 was pretty solid. i was 16 years old and junior year had been packed and stressful but i was finally getting awake and thinking and being myself, and most importantly found my best friends. friday crew. all of that sorta came together in the summer. we made a lot of memories. spent a week in massachusetts and that killer few days in chicago that i still miss. i also got the most hardcore into certain things and cared a lot about music and ideals and the world and such.
soundtrack: against me!, 1905, leftover crack, desaparecidos, sunbrain, defiance ohio, crimpshrine, this bike is a pipe bomb, and last but not least... hot sauce!
last day
chicago
we jumped off a bridge. twice
september was the beginning of senior year, and it was welcome enough.
soundtrack: descendents, violent femmes
one of the few pix i have from that time, 80's dance twins house
by october, this was no longer the case as the novelty had worn off and school was pointless again.
and soon enough it was november. my birthday, the day after the election, and yeah, i guess, so begins the peak of the nearly losing it phase.
well, not dealing with any work in school anymore, i procrastinated with everything, stopped sleeping, got lost searching for colleges, started finding everything useless, thought really existentially, had a ton of self-doubt, and was way jaded and cynical. huzzah!
it was during this time period that my photography teacher was concerned i was doing coke cause i was such a mess
so, this was a pretty low time for me. after the fact i saw that i needed it and there were still a lot of good moments from october through december. but i mean, i was depressed so most of the time it just sucked
a lot of my relationships intensified during this point from friends who helped me out a lot and cared and made things better.
but i was also wrapped up and bummed and going crazy and it was all something internal i had to get over myself anyway so i didnt really reach out too much and others suffered at the same time.
much of this was documented in long lj entries packed with a downward spiral of teenage angst and overanalyzation and disillusionment
but, you can count on pictures to capture happy moments
soundtrack: hot water music, explosions in the sky, modest mouse, fugazi
this happened to be one of the most fun and random days ever at townsend, it was halloween
at the height of the election simulation
nerf gun battle
halloween dance party sleepover
'the dolphin'... now one of the biggest inside jokes
more school
too random
october battle of the bands
funny
november was also the sock hop
late november or december school action (rachel just happened to post these old pictures last week, so they were a real surprise flashback to see)
we are going to college together
december i got into an accident and totaled the car not even two months after having my license, just hours after i had gotten my lip ring, and on the same night my sister flew in from college in portland to be home for a week. yep, i had successfully become a teenager. the fact that things couldve been so much worse made things seem a little less harsh afterwards and somehow i didnt get grounded for life. it did change things a little
the combination of winter and this pahse made life really strange and made me pretty crazy.
i was late to school by one to three hours 4 out of 5 mornings and didnt really care.
and i watched waking life a lot.
i guess eventually, the only thing that made sense was doing things to feel alive
soundtrack: modest mouse, the smiths, rites of spring, sunny day real estate, piebald, i hate myself, murder by death, no cash, twelve hour turn, the appleseed cast
my sister took these. it was nice with her home too
on new years eve, we hung out and slept over at rachels. we stayed up all night in her basment. i made everyone watch donnie darko half asleep at 3 in the morning.
we managed to stay awake unil it was already morning and we decided to go out and see the sunrise
that whole feeling alive thing again
maybe it worked.
january was turning things around a bit. i had found out about the internship and had a decision about staying in school or leaving. obviously, performance space 122 won, both because it seemed so right and becuase i knew i was jsut too lazy to make it through another term of school.
soundtrack: bright eyes, saves the day, lots of plan-it-x, joanna newsom, ben kweller, against me!, jawbreaker, the moldy peaches
that was also the senior trip... and the villa roma coma.
plus taryn's birthday karaoke party in the city
january, the 27th, was also the first time i saw a certain girl at a certain urban academy who knew a certain raffi and paolo who i didnt know then would become the most important person in my life in the next few months. but lets not get ahead of things
february was the next start. no more regular high school, tests, or homework. i finished applying to colleges. interning began and was the best choice i made. i got to sleep until 10 in the morning and went into the lower east side every monday to thursday and had fridays and weekends off. got to go back to townsend once or twice a month with no obligations. i was getting healthier and feeling better about stuff
this was a major transition and it all happened quickly and smoothly with no looking back.
soundtrack: desaparecidos, pixies, choking victim, drive like jehu
this month was the party party in washington heights. finally wanted to go to one, and it made a lot more sense to be going with best friends.
so as it turned out it was the first time i drank a lot, i got really wasted, i didnt know my limits, and the night turned out a little more unexpected. but it was a necessary learning experience.
that was that.
february also included 'man night': the epic snowball fight and joking superbowl party complete with o'doul's non alcoholic beer and vegan ribs
though we ended up watching the puppy bowl instead
additionally there was paolo and raffi's musical and a couple more visits to urban.
march. finally march.
this was the month where things really turned around
i finally fully ditched that depression and cynicism and was getting myself pretty together
i felt better, was healthier, slept more, thought more posi, and was having an awesome time at ps122
i realized how much i liked sara. with some help from cupid raffi, and getting over shyness and intimidation, my fourth time there, we finally got to talk for a while and i asked her on a date (yes!). it also helped that she liked me anyway.
and march 25th we ate at a hip restaurant in the lower east side, saw 'gorilla man' the rock opera at performance space, and had our first kiss... and second and third.
soundtrack: joy divison, sonic youth, carrie nations, explosions in the sky, atom and his package
from march 10th
teatime hangout at the roy house
the march on march 19th
from the 31st when we hung out at central park
finally, the most ridiculous picture of me i could find from march
april was a really good month and a lot happened. it finally got warm outside and we had our first springtime hangout of the year in washington square
soundtrack: bent outta shape, radon, spoke, X
in the middle of the month i took the final college visits to massachusetts and vermont to decide what school i was going to.
eventually i decided here
hampshire
over
here. bennington
which also meant that i wasnt going to evergreen state in olympia washington, an hour and a half away from my sis... which is what i was set on for so many months.
but i feel like i made the right choice.
vermont hotel room
getting lost in the woods in massachusetts, it was beautiful there
catching a sunset on the road
work was reaching its peak point. i slept later and later, would get in around one, do fun stuff for a few hours, and leave early to hang out.
and i still got to go back to school some fridays
whether to pick up valuable informational pamphlets
or, to see my friends
April 15th
then the urban academy soccer game in the afternoon
later that night some difficult stuff happened
but thats what the people that you love are there for.
slept over at la casa roy.
i started spending a lot of time with sara.
april 20th
look familiar? thats the original i used to make this.
i visited my grandparents in massachusetts for a weekend at the end of the month. always nice to be there
i remember taking this at 3 in the morning
i want one of these so bad.
and i saw a nice sunset on the way home
april 30th was another sleepover at paolo and raffi's
we played hackeysack in the pouring rain around midnite
and took lots of funny pictures, such as
so i left april feeling really happy
may was pretty relaxed and went by fast
soundtrack: rilo kiley, wilco, the sissies, the get up kids, neutral milk hotel, the faint
more visits to urban academy
picnic number one in central park
yeah, we're best friends... wanna fight about it?
hardcore red rover
<3
us kids and mr duke in the spark office in school... home sweet home
another favorite picture
then i got a haircut
and wound up in florida for four days for a wedding.
and before we knew it, it was june.
the end of senior year, end of internship, end of townsend harris.
seventeen and a half years, four years, one year, whatever, it was one way of life and now it was over.
heres to you, high school.
id say we went out with style
soundtrack: the smiths, naked raygun, the arcade fire, yeah yeah yeahs, saves the day, animal collective, the cure
prom
we survived seaside fucking heights...
...largely thanks to the photo booth
and the ultra intense frog catapault game
where we won these
made it home alive
june 8th was my last day at performance space and they took me out to lunch as a farewell. i kinda miss everyone there. june 9th was the recognition ceremony for all the few hundred of us interns at city as school, which i spoke at.
we were the last kids involved in the program, at least for now, because after 30 years the program is being cut due to lack of funding. which sucks, cause it really helped me and a lot of other people, id fight for it to keep going
the 9th was also paolo's birthday
and we all went pretty crazy
june 15th was the last day of regular classes. i think this about sums it up:
that night we spent at hayden's
after graduation rehearsal
meanwhile,
im in love
summer! at hope's beach club for the first time
graduation party at my house and fun with my cousins
so cute...
but also deadly
grad party at kyle's the next day
finally, graduation itself june 28th
done
this is the expression you make when you've jsut graduated high school
the last day of high school, ever, was on june 29th to pick up our diplomas and say our goodbyes.
i managed to accidentally sleep through it. all of it.
i woke up to the ring of my cell phone, looked at the time, saw it was 12:45, did the usual double take jump out of bed. picked up, it was hope. she said everyone assumed id just be late as usual, though now the day was over anyway.
for once i couldnt believe id overslept so bad and was cursing at myself but pretty soon i was just laughing a lot. in a few minutes i got dressed and was in the car, turned on the radio and was greeted with the opening guitar riff of "smoke on the water".
sped to school and got there in less than ten minutes, went to guidance and picked up all my stuff, and happened to see some of the only people that really mattered who were still there anyway: harrison, mr. duke, and eugene to. i also saw ms. chung on the way out and gave her a big hug for being the best teacher i'd had there every year and helping me get into college.
gave one final salute to the security guards, and that was it.
after the fact, i realized how ironic and funny and fitting an ending it was. missing the last day completely, the car ride witht that badass song playing and speeding to school jsut to pick up a diploma and leave...its true, i probably couldnt have scripted it better.
it was perfectly messed up.
lastly came the amazing graduation/birthday/start of summer party sleepover at ksenia's dads way too cool house in new jersey, from july 2nd to 3rd.
it looks like there are eighty of us. and we all sorta look like we could be zombies here. in fact it was more like a dozen of us... and we're not zombies
a hot tub...and so the good times began
the high life
we rule
fireworks at the carnival we went to
and the next day, back to the hot tub
it seemed right at the time
chloe is just unreasonably cute
"no kyle, i dont think you should do that... go away."
no... we weren't posing
i love this girl
i love this... paolo?
hooray!
yep, its a tough life
farewell
on the way home, after taking the train we stopped in hoboken on the water just before it got dark.
i
love
you
sara
those brothers roy
goodnite
and so...thats it.
thats my life, until now. in the longest. lj entry. ever.
writing this was big for me. im really relieved i got it all down cause it also gives me some closure about the end of high school
and at the same time, there is no sepctacular ending to all of this, it just trails off...
we're right in the middle of everything, now more than ever, and we still have a whole summer to go.
lets hope things keep getting better
thats all ive got.
thanks for reading it.
love,
josh