intimacy

[willowperson]

Hello.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it is to be a friend. I've been called out recently on making people feel important, but then not treating them as such. This causes me a lot of confusion, so I'd really like some feedback.

Comments

[outlawpoet]

Well, keeping in mind this is speculation, and based entirely on the few facts you've presented, it seems like you're having trouble with the fact that people tend to characterize their relationships

[willowperson]

Thank you.

It sounds like you tend to interact with people in an intensity or in ways that, to them, imply you are a Class A-5 associate, which, for them, implies many other features of friendship/association, but to you has other features. So to them your behavior can seem disappointing, even deceptive, whereas to you, they are presuming upon your association by expecting too much, or the wrong thing.

This is definitely something which was discussed in the chats which prompted this post. I'm very explicit in what I can offer, but it seems my body language indicates otherwise. Whereas most of the time, I just figure it's up to the person to sort out their desires with my stated abilities, the people in question are some that I care quite deeply about.

speculative and rambling

[najalaise]

Perhaps people misunderstand initially (or are uncertain and hopeful about) what it means for you to regard them as special, and what sort of friendship that will lead to? Different people are differently effusive, and I do notice myself gauging "how much it means" that someone is warm towards me by how they seem to interact with others. If they are warm toward me, warm towards others in all the interactions I see, and don't seem to be trying to spend much time with me, I generally figure that they're a lovely friendly person who's either quite busy or not feeling much specific connection. (I try not to make assumptions about which.) That doesn't have to be sad/disappointing, but I suspect that people are more likely to have hurt feelings the more time elapses between feeling special and finding out what to expect (whether "what to expect" is based on your time constraints or whatever

Re: speculative and rambling

[willowperson]

Thank you, Naj.

Also, yes to brunch soon. Maybe next weekend? We should do somewhere else though, as my and Baron's new abode is not fully set up.

Re: speculative and rambling

[thewronghands]

(Unscreening is fine

[dragon_mintz]

I personally appreciate the kind of friendship you give. I understand how busy you get; and how many different ways your free time is split, especially because you *are* so good at making people feel appreciated/special/warmandfuzzy. That and you have a huge list of things you find fun and interesting and you (unlike many people) actually take time for those fun and interesting things. I do think that your style of relating is unusual and as such people expect a certain set of 'normal' things that they don't get from you. I don't feel like that's a failing on your part - I think that people who pressure you to relate to them only in the way they expect are failing to appreciate you as the fascinatingly unusual person that you are. This is not to say that they are bad people, or even bad friends. They are just having a bit of a perception fail

[willowperson]

The being interested in so much stuff might be the thing... for me, 3 hours a week is *huge*. For many people I interact with, it's *nothing*, because they don't fill their time to bursting with other activities... which is fine, but leads to misunderstandings.

Hope to see you soon.

[unwoman]

Hmmm. All I can really say (and this needn't be screened) is that I 100% sympathize on the time thing. I feel kinda bad because I basically have one close friend (and she's gone until October, and when she's in town I see her every 2 weeks or so), my parents, whom I see a couple times a month, and my boyfriend who I live with who gets most of my social time thus making it all very simple. When I wasn't happily monogamously paired I went out every night and saw my "club friends," none of whom I had a terribly deep connection to. I tended to find people were almost overly understanding of how busy I am, or maybe I projected that so they wouldn't expect to get close to me.

I certainly still feel that you're my friend, and we'll get along well when we hang out but not have any expectations beyond that, which is the way I've operated best with any friends besides people I'm dating, my best friend, and my parents.

[anonymous]

I rely on a variety of social queues to try to infer what someone thinks about me. These include

[willowperson]

It is useful to me, thank you.

I have this thing about breaking social norms, in good ways. I don't think people touch enough, so I make a point of hugging people etc. I don't think people talk enough about the positive, so I make a point about talking about the positive, especially in relation to people's abilities. It is upsetting that this is causing pain and miscommunication rather than effecting change in others to take a closer look at how the world interacts.

I wonder if the being cold and impersonal is due to my attempted separation of personal and business : when asking friends for task-related assistance, I try not to pull heart strings. I'm good at manipulation, which is one of the reasons I take such cares to lay all cards on the table - so I don't have the opportunity to be manipulative, but showing the situation as objectively as possible.

Feel free to de-anonymize via private channel if you'd like, I'd definitely take the time to learn from you. If not, it's ok, I've appreciated this forum as well.

[thewronghands]

(Feel free to unscreen.)

I have this thing about breaking social norms, in good ways. I don't think people touch enough, so I make a point of hugging people etc. I don't think people talk enough about the positive, so I make a point about talking about the positive, especially in relation to people's abilities. It is upsetting that this is causing pain and miscommunication rather than effecting change in others to take a closer look at how the world interacts.

I've had different but analogous difficulties -- mostly, people taking a genuine interest in them-as-a-person to be sexual interest in them as a person. Because, clearly, you can't be really interested in someone without wanting to sleep with them. (Wait, what?) So you have my sympathy on this point. The best workaround I've found is bitching about this, so that they can pre-emptively correct their impressions of my intentions.

[willowperson]

This is something I feel like I'm definitely dealing with. The people who are bringing up these issues have all had some level of sexual attraction, interaction, or denial with/from me.

Puts me in mind of this, from an anonymous comment:
I've run into people before who, in retrospect, I realized were putting me under unfair pressure to be "best friends." In retrospect I realize that they wanted me, in effect, to be their platonic sig. other. They got really upset and jealous if I had other friends, attending events to which they weren't invited, or dated in a serious way. I tried to keep them happy without sacrificing my life, and in the end it didn't really work. If people demand more than is healthy in a friendship, the friendship is not going to last.