(no subject)
well... things have changed since my last entry as well. heart strings and been pulled on and I have begun to question myself as a person. I'm not all that great of a person that people say I am. I'm far from it.
My friend gets it truck smashed by a curb last night trying to avoid a lighting bolt that hit the ground and lost control. I was going to go out there with Skyler to help him. I told Carey (my dad's bitch girlfriend) that I was leaving to go help a friend who was stranded. She calls my dad who but a major guilt-trip on me...I text Skyler saying I cant go. My dad then goes further...making me feel like complete shit... but does he stop? No. Then he goes on how i'm such an awful son, I never put my family first, it's always what I want to do, blah blah blah. In the end he hung up on me.
After smashing my head into a cabinet, I want to bed...only to lay there for a few hours thinking of how horrible I am. I'm always asking my friends for rides to work because my car doesnt run... I'm always finding excuses to leave the house because my dad and his girlfriend drive me insane... I never do my chores... because i'm always with friends or something happens to come up.
Then I thought about how much I hate my life...how much it has gone downhill from how I used to be before my mom died... I thought about what if I were to die. I realized that most of my friends could care less. I realized how when we all hang out, people ignore me. Or if we're talking, they walk away while i'm mid-sentence. They call me retard and make fun at me (and not that playing around bullshit). Then I realized...that my best friends dont live here in town. No. Who I feel are my good friends live in Porterville. And Camarillo.
I was thinking of moving to Wyoming with Skyler. Sounded like a good idea...it would get me out of Santa Maria. But now, I'm not gonna move. No. I'm gonna stick around and pay off my dad, which shouldnt take more than a year. Once he's paid off, i'm gonna pour most of my money into my savings account. Once its pretty high, I'm gonna move. I have no idea where or how far. I know at least out of California. I dont plan on tell most of my friends here in SM where. I definately dont plan on telling my dad. This way I can just be out of the way from everybody (but I bet they wont notice...).
I realized that I really dont do anything around the house, which is why once I post this, i'm going to go sweep, mop, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, do the dishes, everything, before 2:30. At 2:30, i'm going to get on my bike and bike to work. After work is done, i'm going to come home and go to sleep. I'm turning my tv around, unplugging my PS2 and my radio. My life is now clean/work/sleep. Once I get my car here and start working on it, my life is going to be clean/work/work on car/sleep. Thats it. No going to a movie, no going to The Grad, no going to the lot with everyone. If I feel like getting out of the house, I'll simply just go for a long walk or something.
I've entered the worst state of depression that I have felt since my mom died... only this time, almost everything around me has died...
My friend gets it truck smashed by a curb last night trying to avoid a lighting bolt that hit the ground and lost control. I was going to go out there with Skyler to help him. I told Carey (my dad's bitch girlfriend) that I was leaving to go help a friend who was stranded. She calls my dad who but a major guilt-trip on me...I text Skyler saying I cant go. My dad then goes further...making me feel like complete shit... but does he stop? No. Then he goes on how i'm such an awful son, I never put my family first, it's always what I want to do, blah blah blah. In the end he hung up on me.
After smashing my head into a cabinet, I want to bed...only to lay there for a few hours thinking of how horrible I am. I'm always asking my friends for rides to work because my car doesnt run... I'm always finding excuses to leave the house because my dad and his girlfriend drive me insane... I never do my chores... because i'm always with friends or something happens to come up.
Then I thought about how much I hate my life...how much it has gone downhill from how I used to be before my mom died... I thought about what if I were to die. I realized that most of my friends could care less. I realized how when we all hang out, people ignore me. Or if we're talking, they walk away while i'm mid-sentence. They call me retard and make fun at me (and not that playing around bullshit). Then I realized...that my best friends dont live here in town. No. Who I feel are my good friends live in Porterville. And Camarillo.
I was thinking of moving to Wyoming with Skyler. Sounded like a good idea...it would get me out of Santa Maria. But now, I'm not gonna move. No. I'm gonna stick around and pay off my dad, which shouldnt take more than a year. Once he's paid off, i'm gonna pour most of my money into my savings account. Once its pretty high, I'm gonna move. I have no idea where or how far. I know at least out of California. I dont plan on tell most of my friends here in SM where. I definately dont plan on telling my dad. This way I can just be out of the way from everybody (but I bet they wont notice...).
I realized that I really dont do anything around the house, which is why once I post this, i'm going to go sweep, mop, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, do the dishes, everything, before 2:30. At 2:30, i'm going to get on my bike and bike to work. After work is done, i'm going to come home and go to sleep. I'm turning my tv around, unplugging my PS2 and my radio. My life is now clean/work/sleep. Once I get my car here and start working on it, my life is going to be clean/work/work on car/sleep. Thats it. No going to a movie, no going to The Grad, no going to the lot with everyone. If I feel like getting out of the house, I'll simply just go for a long walk or something.
I've entered the worst state of depression that I have felt since my mom died... only this time, almost everything around me has died...