Endings and Beginnings

[winchester_lost]

It had been completely by accident that he'd found the first note.  He'd been sitting in the Impala with Sam and Bobby, reeling from what had happened.  Cass was a God.  He'd snapped his fingers and Raphy, one of the archangels, had exploded like an over-ripe grapefruit dropped from the top of a ten story building.  He and Sam had been arguing

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[seekthesilence]

Castiel fought viciously because he was fighting for more than his life. This was important, more important than Dean could possibly understand. There was no saving him. This plan wouldn't work. At best, they'd both die, at worst they would unleash the souls upon the world and destroy a significant part of it in the process, and the heavens would be without guidance again. A vast disbanded army with freedom they still couldn't fathom

[winchester_lost]

"You're wrong."

Dean hissed as he straddled Cass' body, there was a hint of anger in his voice, but more than that, there was desperate certainty. He was wrong because he had to be wrong, because Dean simply would not, could not accept that he'd lost Castiel. Not like this. He knew this was dangerous, knew what the risks were, but he didn't feel like he had any other choice. He was always too willing to do dangerous, impossible things for the people he cared about

[seekthesilence]

Castiel was still fighting, twisting and thrashing violently to throw him off, but as much ground as he had already lost, it was impossible to regain the lead. Dean was on him, holding him down, tying him like some animal. When he felt the rope come tight around his ankles, he gave one wild, desperate thrash, feeling that he was shaking at Dean's balance on him.

"Dean," he said, the urgency in his voice alarming in the calm between his fighting, "Listen to me… damnit. Listen," he snapped

[winchester_lost]

It hurt to see him like this, to see the anger, fury in his body, in his blue eyes, and know that he was causing it. But this was the only way. They had a box, they had the ritual, they had the safe room. He just needed to get Cass there, and drag the souls out of him and stuff them in the trunk they'd prepared for it. It was the souls. He needed to get them out of him so that Cass could find himself again. He was sure that he was still there, just buried, just lost. He just hoped that Cass wouldn't fight like this when he was trying to pull the souls out of him. Trying to pull a million explosions of hot power out of his body if he squirmed and struggled like this wouldn't make it any easier, that was for sure. Bridges. Burning. Later

[seekthesilence]

"This is not for me. It's for you…" he seethed, muttering something that sounded like 'selfish

[winchester_lost]

"I know. I won't screw this up

[seekthesilence]

Throughout the argument, Cass was balanced in what he felt was a precarious way on his shoulder. There was too much of Dean's hands on his body, and with the tension of the ropes it was straining his limbs, and this was degrading. He was a God. He had been an angel, and now he was being held like luggage or large game while Dean had a fight with Bobby and Sam over who should have been present while this was going on

[winchester_lost]

"Yeah, well, you can try if you still want to kill me after I fix you

[seekthesilence]

Cass waited until the cuffs were off, and then he gave his very best effort. He was stiff from the car ride, sore from the awkward angle of having his arms behind him, but he was putting every ounce of the energy he had left into this. It wasn't easy, and Cass managed to get a blow in, connecting a fist to Dean's jaw, but he hadn't been able to draw back so there wasn't a lot of force behind it.

Ultimately, he ended up strapped down to the table and gasping for breath.

He'd lost. This was happening. From the car ride, he knew that Dean couldn't be talked out of this, that he was willing to risk a massive explosion, so much needless death to try this. He wasn't going to turn back.

Cass was reeling from this, from the fact that it was happening. He wasn't concerned that he was going probably to die, because that would be preferable to losing this power and returning to what he had been, the only one who fully grasped the scope of what heaven needed but without the power to enforce it

[winchester_lost]

"I can't, Cass. You have to trust me

[seekthesilence]

Castiel turned his face away with a sound that was as though he was stifling a sob. Though he wasn't crying, the expression on his face was anguish.

He didn't look at Dean while he gathered what he needed, the book with the golden pages.

He was trying to calm himself. Come to terms with the fact that like it or not, this was happening. Dean wouldn't listen, wouldn't accept that Castiel had accepted this. But then, Castiel hadn't been able to admit that he'd taken it too far, even now. It would take him some time after the come-down to get there.

He was going to have to be incredibly still, and this was going to hurt. It wasn't the pain that he was concerned about. He could handle the pain. He was just terrified that Dean would mess this up because that's all it would take, a finger out of place, too rough a touch, and everything would be over.

He waited silently, jaw set, staring at the far wall, ignoring Dean entirely.

[winchester_lost]

That sound, the anguish, it hurt, it ached even as he knew he had to do this. It was their only chance: stopping this before it go too far, before Cass became a creature so remote and alien that there was no chance of stopping him. Cruel and terrible. He might be doing this to avert disaster, to save Cass, but he was still hurting him. At least when he'd thrown Sammy in the panic room, he hadn't been the one hurting him, and drinking himself into near-senselessness was a totally viable option