ohplzgodno.
A very happy birthday to mojokitten who is wonderful and hilarious and brilliant and all around fantabulous.
And this fic is for her even though she probably won't see it for a bit, and she saw part of it and she liked it for some reason. Yeah, I don't know why either. I also don't know why in hell I wrote it, please do not ask. Not beta'd so do tell if you see any mistakes. A bit of the writing style is based on William Goldman's The Princess Bride.
Once upon a time, there was a young prince named Justin. He was a very brave little toaster of a prince, even if he was blond and short and a little bit girly. Just a tiny bit though, so no one really minded all that much. His parents, as all parents are, were very protective of him, and wanted only the best for him, so when the time came for Prince Justin to marry, they wanted him to marry the best princess possible.
“But Mother, I have a strange feeling about this. I don’t know if I’m attracted to princesses--”
“Of course you are, dear. What would you be attracted to if you weren’t? Princes?” The queen and the king laughed hysterically, and all the courtiers exchanged looks and merely forced a couple chuckles.
So a decree was proclaimed throughout the land. The exact words are lost to modern man, but we can be sure that it said something like, ‘Search for eligible princess for extremely handsome young prince. Ugly people need not apply.’ It has been determined that last was probably written in by some joking noble, the dirty bastard, but nevertheless, only the most attractive young ladies lined up to win the prince’s hand.
There was, unfortunately for a great deal of them, a rigorous interview process. For instance, the requirement that the princess be literate (Justin's idea) sent home at least three fourths of the girls, because princesses only learned how to (shakily) write their names and spent the rest of their time learning how to oversee a castle and sew prettily. (This was before the feminist movement.)
The number of princesses dwindled and the king and queen began to lose hope of ever finding a woman good enough for their son. The next princess entered the room, and sat down. The questions started immediately.
“Where is your kingdom?”
“Far away.”
“All right then,” scribbling on a piece of parchment.
“Who are your parents?”
“The king and queen.”
“Have you ever experimented with recreational drugs, magic mushroom or powerful spells?”
“Yeah.”
More scribbling. “Forgive our indelicateness, but we must know -- are you a virgin?”
“What do you mean by virgin?”
And on it went. The queen led her out saying, “We’re sorry, but we don’t think you’re what we’re looking for--”
But the entrance hall was completely devoid of lovely young princesses and Prince Justin said, “Yeah, Mom, they all like, left. Said they weren’t trained to go through this kind of thing in Princess Schooling. So uh, can I just not get married?” he said hopefully.
“I'm still here. I could get married to him,” said the princess. Justin gazed up at her for the first time, for the princess was at least half a foot taller than himself, and decidedly more manly looking. He fell instantly in love. The king and queen however, felt otherwise about letting such an unqualified princess marry their beloved son just because all of the other princesses were little pussies. They hadn’t even gone through the etiquette tests concerning where to seat two hundred guests of varying social status that had been set up in the courtyard, not to mention the needlepoint test, and the quiz on what Prince Justin ate for breakfast, slept in at night, and when he normally went to the toilet.
“We’ll see, dear,” they said in their condescending way, and set off to devise a horribly difficult test that the princess What’s-Her-Face could never pass.
In the meantime, Prince Justin and Princess What’s-Your-Name-Again were falling deeply in love. Well. Justin was falling deeply in love. The princess was vague and disinterested, and when Justin tried to embrace her, she always ran away at an alarming pace. But Justin thought she was being sweet and coquettish and loved her all the more, the poor little fool of a bunny.
A week passed, and the king and queen invited the princess and Prince Justin out on a carriage ride. They stopped at the ruin of an old castle, with a large surrounding moat filled with alligators that were really blow up plastic alligators (this was after plastic) but they served their purpose in being generally scary.
“You must swim your way across the moat,” the king said to the princess triumphantly, for it was well known that all princesses could do when in deep water was flail helplessly until someone came to rescue them. Prince Justin cried out in dismay.
“Okay.” There was a splash and the princess made her way across the moat rather quickly. “Is that it?” she yelled from the other side. The king and queen stared at her for a bit and then consulted each other in low voices. Meanwhile, Justin gazed at her with starry eyes and waved shyly. The princess rolled her eyes and wrung out her dress.
"Now you must stay there and survive for a week," shouted the queen across the moat finally. The princess shrugged. The king and queen were unsettled, because they'd fully expected her to give up, but nevertheless left in high spirits, which was more than could be said for their son who stayed to stare mournfully across the moat at the princess, who was climbing nimbly over the ruins.
A week later, the royal family returned to find the princess sitting on the ruin of the castle with her skirts spread out prettily and her gloved hands sitting demurely in her lap. She called out, "Could someone come get me, I don't want to get my dress wet again." The king and queen were forced to send for the royal fishing boat and retrieve the princess, who, after she'd landed on shore, asked, "Now can I marry Prince Sun-- I mean Twa-- I mean Justin?"
"You just have to pass one more test, dear," was the reply, and the king and queen spent another week devising an impassable test for Princess Did-You-Tell-Me-What-Your-Name-Was. Prince Justin was held in thrall by the lovely princess, who seemed to rather spend her time chatting with the tall, handsome castle guards than professing her love for the short, kind-of-cute-but-not-really-dashing-in-the-least-way prince.
The king and queen took another carriage ride with the princess and this time drove out to the countryside, where they dropped her off at a local farm house and said simply, "You must work as a farmhand here for a month. We will have people watching you, so no slacking, you evil little bi-- sweet little angel, you."
The princess shrugged. "Okay."
A month passed, during which Prince Justin moped and groaned and complained and declared he would never marry someone other than the Princess Um-Do-You-Know-Her-Name. The month mark passed and they family journeyed out to the farm, though all of them fully expected that the princess had given up and gone home a long time ago. Instead, they found the princess and the two burly men who they'd assigned to watch her waiting for them at the farm, the princess wearing a smirk on her face.
The queen shrieked and moaned and the king shook his head in disbelief, but they could not go back on their word, and soon Prince Justin and Princess What're-We-Gonna-Put-On-The-Invitations were married.
On their wedding night, Prince Justin opened his mouth, probably to say something shy about their future children or how he didn't mind sleeping in the other room if the princess was nervous or about how he was a pure untouched virgin, but before he could, the princess stopped him by saying, in a voice quite unlike her own, "No. Shut up now." Justin reflected briefly that it sounded a great deal like a man's voice before the princess pulled off her wig and her clip-on earrings and kicked off her shoes.
The princess said, as he pulled off his elbow length gloves, for it was a he after all, "Don't say anything about storks or babies or virginity, because I'll shoot you if you do." (This was after guns.)
Justin remembered that he was a prince and said imperiously, "I demand to know who you are and how you kidnapped my wife."
The man gave him a withering look. "I am your wife." He went on to explain that he was Prince Brian, from a kingdom far, far away, and he'd had a great deal of trouble finding a wife, due to the fact that he could not stand having sex with women. Justin blushed. And then, Brian continued, he heard of the search for Justin's wife, saw a portrait of Justin and thought him very pretty in a somewhat girly way, and decided to find a way to marry him. And they could always adopt some brat off a farm if anyone noticed that they didn't have any children, he concluded.
Justin sat down heavily on the bed. "Wow," he said, stunned. Brian came over and kissed him hard on the lips until Justin was gasping for air. "Wow," he said again. Come to think of it, Brian was really, really hot (this was after modern American slang) and suddenly Justin's slight fixation on the servant boys that played around and fell over in mud and took off their shirts and groped at each other made a whole lot more sense. "Oh," he said, and after that his words became a little more like, "OhmygodBriantouchmethereagainpleasepleasepleaseplease," so perhaps we'll leave the story there.
Well, except for this: It eventually came out that Brian wasn't actually a woman, because he just got tired of pretending to be a submissive little wife and shouted something about how he was on top every night, you fucking annoying yes-men, one night at a royal ball, and sometimes Justin was a drama queen who wanted roses delivered to him at least every week, and the fact was that no marriage was perfect. But they lived happily ever after anyway.
End. Um. You need not leave me feedback if you think it's horrible. I already know.
And this fic is for her even though she probably won't see it for a bit, and she saw part of it and she liked it for some reason. Yeah, I don't know why either. I also don't know why in hell I wrote it, please do not ask. Not beta'd so do tell if you see any mistakes. A bit of the writing style is based on William Goldman's The Princess Bride.
Once upon a time, there was a young prince named Justin. He was a very brave little toaster of a prince, even if he was blond and short and a little bit girly. Just a tiny bit though, so no one really minded all that much. His parents, as all parents are, were very protective of him, and wanted only the best for him, so when the time came for Prince Justin to marry, they wanted him to marry the best princess possible.
“But Mother, I have a strange feeling about this. I don’t know if I’m attracted to princesses--”
“Of course you are, dear. What would you be attracted to if you weren’t? Princes?” The queen and the king laughed hysterically, and all the courtiers exchanged looks and merely forced a couple chuckles.
So a decree was proclaimed throughout the land. The exact words are lost to modern man, but we can be sure that it said something like, ‘Search for eligible princess for extremely handsome young prince. Ugly people need not apply.’ It has been determined that last was probably written in by some joking noble, the dirty bastard, but nevertheless, only the most attractive young ladies lined up to win the prince’s hand.
There was, unfortunately for a great deal of them, a rigorous interview process. For instance, the requirement that the princess be literate (Justin's idea) sent home at least three fourths of the girls, because princesses only learned how to (shakily) write their names and spent the rest of their time learning how to oversee a castle and sew prettily. (This was before the feminist movement.)
The number of princesses dwindled and the king and queen began to lose hope of ever finding a woman good enough for their son. The next princess entered the room, and sat down. The questions started immediately.
“Where is your kingdom?”
“Far away.”
“All right then,” scribbling on a piece of parchment.
“Who are your parents?”
“The king and queen.”
“Have you ever experimented with recreational drugs, magic mushroom or powerful spells?”
“Yeah.”
More scribbling. “Forgive our indelicateness, but we must know -- are you a virgin?”
“What do you mean by virgin?”
And on it went. The queen led her out saying, “We’re sorry, but we don’t think you’re what we’re looking for--”
But the entrance hall was completely devoid of lovely young princesses and Prince Justin said, “Yeah, Mom, they all like, left. Said they weren’t trained to go through this kind of thing in Princess Schooling. So uh, can I just not get married?” he said hopefully.
“I'm still here. I could get married to him,” said the princess. Justin gazed up at her for the first time, for the princess was at least half a foot taller than himself, and decidedly more manly looking. He fell instantly in love. The king and queen however, felt otherwise about letting such an unqualified princess marry their beloved son just because all of the other princesses were little pussies. They hadn’t even gone through the etiquette tests concerning where to seat two hundred guests of varying social status that had been set up in the courtyard, not to mention the needlepoint test, and the quiz on what Prince Justin ate for breakfast, slept in at night, and when he normally went to the toilet.
“We’ll see, dear,” they said in their condescending way, and set off to devise a horribly difficult test that the princess What’s-Her-Face could never pass.
In the meantime, Prince Justin and Princess What’s-Your-Name-Again were falling deeply in love. Well. Justin was falling deeply in love. The princess was vague and disinterested, and when Justin tried to embrace her, she always ran away at an alarming pace. But Justin thought she was being sweet and coquettish and loved her all the more, the poor little fool of a bunny.
A week passed, and the king and queen invited the princess and Prince Justin out on a carriage ride. They stopped at the ruin of an old castle, with a large surrounding moat filled with alligators that were really blow up plastic alligators (this was after plastic) but they served their purpose in being generally scary.
“You must swim your way across the moat,” the king said to the princess triumphantly, for it was well known that all princesses could do when in deep water was flail helplessly until someone came to rescue them. Prince Justin cried out in dismay.
“Okay.” There was a splash and the princess made her way across the moat rather quickly. “Is that it?” she yelled from the other side. The king and queen stared at her for a bit and then consulted each other in low voices. Meanwhile, Justin gazed at her with starry eyes and waved shyly. The princess rolled her eyes and wrung out her dress.
"Now you must stay there and survive for a week," shouted the queen across the moat finally. The princess shrugged. The king and queen were unsettled, because they'd fully expected her to give up, but nevertheless left in high spirits, which was more than could be said for their son who stayed to stare mournfully across the moat at the princess, who was climbing nimbly over the ruins.
A week later, the royal family returned to find the princess sitting on the ruin of the castle with her skirts spread out prettily and her gloved hands sitting demurely in her lap. She called out, "Could someone come get me, I don't want to get my dress wet again." The king and queen were forced to send for the royal fishing boat and retrieve the princess, who, after she'd landed on shore, asked, "Now can I marry Prince Sun-- I mean Twa-- I mean Justin?"
"You just have to pass one more test, dear," was the reply, and the king and queen spent another week devising an impassable test for Princess Did-You-Tell-Me-What-Your-Name-Was. Prince Justin was held in thrall by the lovely princess, who seemed to rather spend her time chatting with the tall, handsome castle guards than professing her love for the short, kind-of-cute-but-not-really-dashing-in-the-least-way prince.
The king and queen took another carriage ride with the princess and this time drove out to the countryside, where they dropped her off at a local farm house and said simply, "You must work as a farmhand here for a month. We will have people watching you, so no slacking, you evil little bi-- sweet little angel, you."
The princess shrugged. "Okay."
A month passed, during which Prince Justin moped and groaned and complained and declared he would never marry someone other than the Princess Um-Do-You-Know-Her-Name. The month mark passed and they family journeyed out to the farm, though all of them fully expected that the princess had given up and gone home a long time ago. Instead, they found the princess and the two burly men who they'd assigned to watch her waiting for them at the farm, the princess wearing a smirk on her face.
The queen shrieked and moaned and the king shook his head in disbelief, but they could not go back on their word, and soon Prince Justin and Princess What're-We-Gonna-Put-On-The-Invitations were married.
On their wedding night, Prince Justin opened his mouth, probably to say something shy about their future children or how he didn't mind sleeping in the other room if the princess was nervous or about how he was a pure untouched virgin, but before he could, the princess stopped him by saying, in a voice quite unlike her own, "No. Shut up now." Justin reflected briefly that it sounded a great deal like a man's voice before the princess pulled off her wig and her clip-on earrings and kicked off her shoes.
The princess said, as he pulled off his elbow length gloves, for it was a he after all, "Don't say anything about storks or babies or virginity, because I'll shoot you if you do." (This was after guns.)
Justin remembered that he was a prince and said imperiously, "I demand to know who you are and how you kidnapped my wife."
The man gave him a withering look. "I am your wife." He went on to explain that he was Prince Brian, from a kingdom far, far away, and he'd had a great deal of trouble finding a wife, due to the fact that he could not stand having sex with women. Justin blushed. And then, Brian continued, he heard of the search for Justin's wife, saw a portrait of Justin and thought him very pretty in a somewhat girly way, and decided to find a way to marry him. And they could always adopt some brat off a farm if anyone noticed that they didn't have any children, he concluded.
Justin sat down heavily on the bed. "Wow," he said, stunned. Brian came over and kissed him hard on the lips until Justin was gasping for air. "Wow," he said again. Come to think of it, Brian was really, really hot (this was after modern American slang) and suddenly Justin's slight fixation on the servant boys that played around and fell over in mud and took off their shirts and groped at each other made a whole lot more sense. "Oh," he said, and after that his words became a little more like, "OhmygodBriantouchmethereagainpleasepleasepleaseplease," so perhaps we'll leave the story there.
Well, except for this: It eventually came out that Brian wasn't actually a woman, because he just got tired of pretending to be a submissive little wife and shouted something about how he was on top every night, you fucking annoying yes-men, one night at a royal ball, and sometimes Justin was a drama queen who wanted roses delivered to him at least every week, and the fact was that no marriage was perfect. But they lived happily ever after anyway.
End. Um. You need not leave me feedback if you think it's horrible. I already know.