I still miss him :(
But not in an overly personal way. That is, I don't necessarily miss him anymore. I just miss the 'idea' of having a boyfriend.
Last night I laid in bed and I felt really lonely. I wanted someone to be there spooning behind me, with a warm arm around my stomach.
I've never wanted that before. I usually have a problem with body-contact and body-heat, and I need my space in bed. But the few times we slept next to each other and cuddled... it almost felt nice. And now I miss that feeling.
I keep wondering if it's me that went through some sort of change by suddenly being able to stand (and actually enjoying) close physical contact, or if it was just that he made me feel comfortable. Several people have told me that maybe I just wasn't attracted to the previous guys I dated, which is why I didn't feel comfortable. Others say that maybe I've matured, physically.
I do miss some specific things about him, too. His really free sense of humor, and the way his voice went a little high when he laughed. His super-thick eyelashes (seriously, the boy could have modeled mascara for Covergirl...) The way we'd tease and insult each another. The fact that he always wanted to hold hands and that it didn't bother me at all. The way his breath would hitch and he'd throw his head back when I licked or stroked a certain sensitive place at his waist. His fingers trailing over the skin of my back.
... fuck it, I am SO not over this guy.
And I find myself stalking his FB profile. And then closing the FB tab, disgusted with myself. He keeps popping up on the FB chat and I keep wondering, how the hell is he on FB, he's on guard duty at the army! I bet he's signing in on his iPhone or something. Anyway, I've not contacted him or anything, but my heart always beats just a little quicker when I see he's online.
I keep going over various scenarios with him in my head. Wondering what'll happen when we meet at salsa next week, once he's finished his guard duty and gets back to his normal schedule. I keep... hoping that he'll contact me. Hoping that he'll tell me he took this week to think about things, and that he still wants to be with me. That he wants to try again, and to really try this time.
K told me it would be weak of me to give him another chance, but I so want to. Most chances are he won't ask, though. K said that at Tuesday!Salsa the day after we broke up, he looked totally dejected. I didn't see that in his face, but then I couldn't risk looking at him too much. K said he's started acting more coolly towards her too, which makes sense; he knows she and I are really close and obviously she'd be on my side.
I wonder if he'll approach me at Salsa. He didn't last week, but after a whole week of time apart, I have no idea what might be going through his head. I keep having little panic attacks and thinking, should I be cool and aloof, or should I be smiley and friendly and dance with him, or should I be a bitch and raise an eyebrow at him and say, "wtf are you fucking serious no I will not dance with you you asshole you're not worthy of me" or maybe even "no fucking way you broke my heart I don't want anything to do with you"
I might not be going to this week's Tuesday!Salsa anyway, even though he's still on guard duty. There's a Beatles homage concert over in K's town and I might go see it with her. But come Saturday... he'll probably be there. And I have no idea what will happen.
Last night I laid in bed and I felt really lonely. I wanted someone to be there spooning behind me, with a warm arm around my stomach.
I've never wanted that before. I usually have a problem with body-contact and body-heat, and I need my space in bed. But the few times we slept next to each other and cuddled... it almost felt nice. And now I miss that feeling.
I keep wondering if it's me that went through some sort of change by suddenly being able to stand (and actually enjoying) close physical contact, or if it was just that he made me feel comfortable. Several people have told me that maybe I just wasn't attracted to the previous guys I dated, which is why I didn't feel comfortable. Others say that maybe I've matured, physically.
I do miss some specific things about him, too. His really free sense of humor, and the way his voice went a little high when he laughed. His super-thick eyelashes (seriously, the boy could have modeled mascara for Covergirl...) The way we'd tease and insult each another. The fact that he always wanted to hold hands and that it didn't bother me at all. The way his breath would hitch and he'd throw his head back when I licked or stroked a certain sensitive place at his waist. His fingers trailing over the skin of my back.
... fuck it, I am SO not over this guy.
And I find myself stalking his FB profile. And then closing the FB tab, disgusted with myself. He keeps popping up on the FB chat and I keep wondering, how the hell is he on FB, he's on guard duty at the army! I bet he's signing in on his iPhone or something. Anyway, I've not contacted him or anything, but my heart always beats just a little quicker when I see he's online.
I keep going over various scenarios with him in my head. Wondering what'll happen when we meet at salsa next week, once he's finished his guard duty and gets back to his normal schedule. I keep... hoping that he'll contact me. Hoping that he'll tell me he took this week to think about things, and that he still wants to be with me. That he wants to try again, and to really try this time.
K told me it would be weak of me to give him another chance, but I so want to. Most chances are he won't ask, though. K said that at Tuesday!Salsa the day after we broke up, he looked totally dejected. I didn't see that in his face, but then I couldn't risk looking at him too much. K said he's started acting more coolly towards her too, which makes sense; he knows she and I are really close and obviously she'd be on my side.
I wonder if he'll approach me at Salsa. He didn't last week, but after a whole week of time apart, I have no idea what might be going through his head. I keep having little panic attacks and thinking, should I be cool and aloof, or should I be smiley and friendly and dance with him, or should I be a bitch and raise an eyebrow at him and say, "wtf are you fucking serious no I will not dance with you you asshole you're not worthy of me" or maybe even "no fucking way you broke my heart I don't want anything to do with you"
I might not be going to this week's Tuesday!Salsa anyway, even though he's still on guard duty. There's a Beatles homage concert over in K's town and I might go see it with her. But come Saturday... he'll probably be there. And I have no idea what will happen.