(no subject)
I had a dream, last night. In it, everything went right. Things fell into place. Everything I wanted slowly moved from the realm of fantasy to reality. It all happened very naturally, and I truly believed that it had happened. When I spoke about it to Jesse, he told me it didn't. And I didn't believe him, until I realized I couldn't place a time on the events. And I realized it was a dream. So I went to sleep. And when I woke up, it was a year ago, and I realized that I had the chance to fix everything that had gone wrong over the past year. I could patch up every mistake, every accident, every failure.
But I didn't know how.
And then I woke up.
The night before, I spent five hours sitting at the kitchen table and talking with Jesse. Simply talking. Remembering what had happened. Hypothesizing what would happen. Remaining in the moment. Making guy jokes. It was the best time I'd had in a long time.
I don't think I wanted to be this. Whatever this is. I can't particularly say that I feel happy right now, though. And it's not just a case of "oh, I feel sad because I have insomnia and I get depressed when I'm alone at night like this and I've been in a rotten mood anyways because I've been sick for a week and a half." It's something more, something lingering, something that's been just below the surface for a long time. I can't help but wonder if I suffer from depression, but then I look at how I live my life and tell myself that it simply can't be that. I'm just...uncontent. Unsettled, as it were. To put it in metaphor form, I want to lie down and have a good rest, but there's a nail in my back.
I went outside and just stared around for about ten minutes just now. Blame Angelina. And I looked out, and I looked, and I looked, and I finally realized that I was thinking about nothing. I was just looking out into the world and listening to the rain. I haven't been outside in days, I've sat around, coughed, taken medicine, played video games, isolated myself.
I'm only creating my own problems. I'm only surrounding myself in factors that inhibit my ability to be who I want to be, and when an opportunity presents itself to be more than what I am...it just passes on by. Nothing changes. Because I don't take any action, I just sit back and wait for things to happen, for things to change. I just hope, but that hoping accomplishes, ultimately, nothing.
I need to stand up and do something, I need to take that action and step forward and change.
But I can't do it on my own. Not yet.
No, I can.
I just won't.
But why won't I? I don't know.
I just have to keep trying 'till I will.
But I didn't know how.
And then I woke up.
The night before, I spent five hours sitting at the kitchen table and talking with Jesse. Simply talking. Remembering what had happened. Hypothesizing what would happen. Remaining in the moment. Making guy jokes. It was the best time I'd had in a long time.
I don't think I wanted to be this. Whatever this is. I can't particularly say that I feel happy right now, though. And it's not just a case of "oh, I feel sad because I have insomnia and I get depressed when I'm alone at night like this and I've been in a rotten mood anyways because I've been sick for a week and a half." It's something more, something lingering, something that's been just below the surface for a long time. I can't help but wonder if I suffer from depression, but then I look at how I live my life and tell myself that it simply can't be that. I'm just...uncontent. Unsettled, as it were. To put it in metaphor form, I want to lie down and have a good rest, but there's a nail in my back.
I went outside and just stared around for about ten minutes just now. Blame Angelina. And I looked out, and I looked, and I looked, and I finally realized that I was thinking about nothing. I was just looking out into the world and listening to the rain. I haven't been outside in days, I've sat around, coughed, taken medicine, played video games, isolated myself.
I'm only creating my own problems. I'm only surrounding myself in factors that inhibit my ability to be who I want to be, and when an opportunity presents itself to be more than what I am...it just passes on by. Nothing changes. Because I don't take any action, I just sit back and wait for things to happen, for things to change. I just hope, but that hoping accomplishes, ultimately, nothing.
I need to stand up and do something, I need to take that action and step forward and change.
But I can't do it on my own. Not yet.
No, I can.
I just won't.
But why won't I? I don't know.
I just have to keep trying 'till I will.