State of the Tory
DisorderYour ScoreMajor Depression:Extremely HighDysthymia:HighBipolar Disorder:HighCyclothymia:High-ModerateSeasonal Affective Disorder:ModeratePostpartum Depression:N/ATake the Depression Test
Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha.
Still looking for a housemate. Along with every other geek in the Boston area, I know. :/
When people at parties (those few parties I manage to make it to) ask me how I am, my general answer is "good but low-functioning."
I stay okay through sheer avoidance. Even thinking about stuff like how my life is going makes me miserable. Nonetheless, I still wind up doing it a lot. Like now. I've sort of put together this post over the course of a few days.
I need my insurance paperwork to go through so I can actually get medical care, preferably from a doctor who doesn't think that my weight is the cause of everything that could possibly be wrong with me, up to and including a sinus infection.
Things I know are purely physical: I have a chipped tooth which has recently started hurting. Like handfuls of ibuprofen and sometimes crying when they wear off hurting. I am this close to biting the bullet and paying for that out of my pocket, since I probably won't have insurance for another few weeks. Tufts seems to be closed for the summer, though, at least according to what one incoherent secretary could kill me, and that is my preferred choice for cheap dental care.
I am also starting to have ongoing (though relatively) minor back pain and my hands and ankles remain shitty, but that's neither here nor there.
Things that could be either physical or psychological: My energy levels are down. Way down. Walking around the block leaves me exhausted down. Lie there in bed for half an hour after waking up before I can move down. My sleep is irregular and unrestful, and I'm almost always tired when I'm awake. My sex drive is nonexistent. My appetite is low and unpredictable.
I'm probably not eating enough. Low appetite + toothache + hating my weight = about one light meal a day and some snacks. I know that isn't helping my energy levels. But at this point it's getting difficult to eat more than that, and at times actually painful due to the tooth.
I still have constant nasal congestion, and have for over two years by now. My last doctor ignored it in favor of harassing me about my weight.
I know hypothyroidism runs in my family, and it would explain a lot. Will bring this up with a competent doctor when I can.
Purely psychological: Wow, my avoidant tendencies are getting ridiculous. Returning phone calls and even emails can send me into two-hour stress attacks before I can manage it. Or two-week, in some cases.
Basically, the reason I am able to maintain a relatively good mood is that I'm in an online fandom RPG and pouring most of my energy into it. Anything else...yeah.
I am at times unbearably stressed and depressed. Trying to microwave a bowl of hot cereal without it boiling over sent me into a crying jag last night. Well, the toothache helped in that department. Yeah.
Coping at zero.
But it is also getting to the point where it is strongly preferable that I find a job, especially if I don't find a temporary housemate, in order to avoid burning through the money I have left and being penniless again. Much as being jobless, homeless, and penniless was a great motivator the last time it happened, and got me moving even though it sucked, I honestly don't think I could cope with it right now. I'd wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. I just don't have it in me.
And here's where I don't want to get melodramatic, but...I am about as excited about working, especially full-time, especially in a corporate setting, especially in a position of high responsibility, as I am about dying. I know both probably have to happen someday. In fact, given my repressed suicidal tendencies, I'd say having a job loses out in the excitement factor there.
Now a lot of that has to do with my current state of dysfunction. Working full time would completely drain me; my job would become the only thing I was able to do, and that's pretty much my idea of hell. A position that required any noticeable degree of responsibility or proactivity would leave me horrifically stressed. Like, basic office admin work would severely stress me out right now, and I've done that stuff for years.
So an obvious solution emerges: get a low-stress part-time job to at least bring in some money until I get the medical side of this dealt with. Three months, six months, somewhere in that range. No responsibility, no creative work, just doing what people tell me to or answering phones or something.
Of course, low-stress part-time jobs pay shit. This is where I have to overcome my impulse to say "fuck it, it's just not worth my time." If I can bring in a couple hundred dollars a week, it'll be worth it. If I can swing higher than minimum wage, somehow. I have a smidge of food service experience from five years ago.
...fuck.
So this is sort of where I'm spinning my wheels right now. What could I possibly do for twenty hours a week, like $11-12/hr, that's lower stress than office admin? And I'd suck at retail sales. That's a different kind of hell, just one I haven't done personally. Minimum wage would be just plain not worth it.
Data entry, maybe; that's completely stress-free and I still type reasonably fast (90 wpm, much slower at ten-key but manageable). Pure phone reception work or something like that. IDEK.
Also there's the question of how to find work. Craigslist is fucking useless, I may as well bang my head against a wall, except maybe for posting a resume/job-wanted. (That's the only way I've ever gotten a job off Craigslist. That job was horrific.) I...could suck it up...and temp again. And then have to explain to the temp agent why I'm looking for stuff that's way below my skill level and experience.
:(((
What would be my ideal job right now? Honestly?
Basic computer depot repair. Somebody hands me borked computers--basic stuff like system rebuilds, RAM upgrades--and I hole up in a back room and make them go in peace and quiet. No IT crap, no networking, no dealing with idiots on the phone, just. Fixing things.
Do I have the qualifications for that? Sort of. I have no formal training. Everything I learned, I learned on the job, often self-taught, about five years ago. And I'm five years out of date. I haven't seen a Windows 7 machine in my life. I should probably do online training for an A+ cert before I start looking for this, but...an extra step...
Does that job exist? Mmmaybe. I don't know. If it does, it's probably relatively rare, and I'm not going to be fortunate enough to get it unless it drops in my lap somehow through personal networking.
I...think that's the end of my job ramble.
There. Batch of stuff that I wanted to get out there, somehow. Now I need a shower because I am a greaseball.
Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha.
Still looking for a housemate. Along with every other geek in the Boston area, I know. :/
When people at parties (those few parties I manage to make it to) ask me how I am, my general answer is "good but low-functioning."
I stay okay through sheer avoidance. Even thinking about stuff like how my life is going makes me miserable. Nonetheless, I still wind up doing it a lot. Like now. I've sort of put together this post over the course of a few days.
I need my insurance paperwork to go through so I can actually get medical care, preferably from a doctor who doesn't think that my weight is the cause of everything that could possibly be wrong with me, up to and including a sinus infection.
Things I know are purely physical: I have a chipped tooth which has recently started hurting. Like handfuls of ibuprofen and sometimes crying when they wear off hurting. I am this close to biting the bullet and paying for that out of my pocket, since I probably won't have insurance for another few weeks. Tufts seems to be closed for the summer, though, at least according to what one incoherent secretary could kill me, and that is my preferred choice for cheap dental care.
I am also starting to have ongoing (though relatively) minor back pain and my hands and ankles remain shitty, but that's neither here nor there.
Things that could be either physical or psychological: My energy levels are down. Way down. Walking around the block leaves me exhausted down. Lie there in bed for half an hour after waking up before I can move down. My sleep is irregular and unrestful, and I'm almost always tired when I'm awake. My sex drive is nonexistent. My appetite is low and unpredictable.
I'm probably not eating enough. Low appetite + toothache + hating my weight = about one light meal a day and some snacks. I know that isn't helping my energy levels. But at this point it's getting difficult to eat more than that, and at times actually painful due to the tooth.
I still have constant nasal congestion, and have for over two years by now. My last doctor ignored it in favor of harassing me about my weight.
I know hypothyroidism runs in my family, and it would explain a lot. Will bring this up with a competent doctor when I can.
Purely psychological: Wow, my avoidant tendencies are getting ridiculous. Returning phone calls and even emails can send me into two-hour stress attacks before I can manage it. Or two-week, in some cases.
Basically, the reason I am able to maintain a relatively good mood is that I'm in an online fandom RPG and pouring most of my energy into it. Anything else...yeah.
I am at times unbearably stressed and depressed. Trying to microwave a bowl of hot cereal without it boiling over sent me into a crying jag last night. Well, the toothache helped in that department. Yeah.
Coping at zero.
But it is also getting to the point where it is strongly preferable that I find a job, especially if I don't find a temporary housemate, in order to avoid burning through the money I have left and being penniless again. Much as being jobless, homeless, and penniless was a great motivator the last time it happened, and got me moving even though it sucked, I honestly don't think I could cope with it right now. I'd wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. I just don't have it in me.
And here's where I don't want to get melodramatic, but...I am about as excited about working, especially full-time, especially in a corporate setting, especially in a position of high responsibility, as I am about dying. I know both probably have to happen someday. In fact, given my repressed suicidal tendencies, I'd say having a job loses out in the excitement factor there.
Now a lot of that has to do with my current state of dysfunction. Working full time would completely drain me; my job would become the only thing I was able to do, and that's pretty much my idea of hell. A position that required any noticeable degree of responsibility or proactivity would leave me horrifically stressed. Like, basic office admin work would severely stress me out right now, and I've done that stuff for years.
So an obvious solution emerges: get a low-stress part-time job to at least bring in some money until I get the medical side of this dealt with. Three months, six months, somewhere in that range. No responsibility, no creative work, just doing what people tell me to or answering phones or something.
Of course, low-stress part-time jobs pay shit. This is where I have to overcome my impulse to say "fuck it, it's just not worth my time." If I can bring in a couple hundred dollars a week, it'll be worth it. If I can swing higher than minimum wage, somehow. I have a smidge of food service experience from five years ago.
...fuck.
So this is sort of where I'm spinning my wheels right now. What could I possibly do for twenty hours a week, like $11-12/hr, that's lower stress than office admin? And I'd suck at retail sales. That's a different kind of hell, just one I haven't done personally. Minimum wage would be just plain not worth it.
Data entry, maybe; that's completely stress-free and I still type reasonably fast (90 wpm, much slower at ten-key but manageable). Pure phone reception work or something like that. IDEK.
Also there's the question of how to find work. Craigslist is fucking useless, I may as well bang my head against a wall, except maybe for posting a resume/job-wanted. (That's the only way I've ever gotten a job off Craigslist. That job was horrific.) I...could suck it up...and temp again. And then have to explain to the temp agent why I'm looking for stuff that's way below my skill level and experience.
:(((
What would be my ideal job right now? Honestly?
Basic computer depot repair. Somebody hands me borked computers--basic stuff like system rebuilds, RAM upgrades--and I hole up in a back room and make them go in peace and quiet. No IT crap, no networking, no dealing with idiots on the phone, just. Fixing things.
Do I have the qualifications for that? Sort of. I have no formal training. Everything I learned, I learned on the job, often self-taught, about five years ago. And I'm five years out of date. I haven't seen a Windows 7 machine in my life. I should probably do online training for an A+ cert before I start looking for this, but...an extra step...
Does that job exist? Mmmaybe. I don't know. If it does, it's probably relatively rare, and I'm not going to be fortunate enough to get it unless it drops in my lap somehow through personal networking.
I...think that's the end of my job ramble.
There. Batch of stuff that I wanted to get out there, somehow. Now I need a shower because I am a greaseball.