[life] I'm Not Dead Yet!
First off, I want to say hi to everyone, sorry I've been so dead. 2009 just hasn't been a good year for me at all!
At the start of 2009, things seemed to be going well. I had just left my f/t job as a cashier for a gas station to work only p/t at The Cash Store. I made $1.50 more an hour and my paychecks only took about a $60 cut. No biggie. I just needed money to pay for rent.
My fist LJ RP was dying. I was a moderater by this point, but it was beyond repair. In a last ditch effort to save some of my favorite players, antea_furor was born.
In April I moved to Ontario. Besides visiting relatives and the time that my parents were together, I'd never really -lived- in this province, but something told me that was where I wanted to be. It was close to one of my newest best friends, bloodyneptune, and it gave me a sense of independence. I wasn't scared (except for that half hour I was in Toronto because that place is HUGE compared to Winnipeg). Everything was all planned out, it was supposed to go perfectly. I even had a job set up, guaranteed.
I know now that moving there was just a preemptive strike on my part. I've always been fearful of abandonment, it's one of my greatest downfalls. Jackie had already moved, and she'd been my best friend since daycare. Ali was getting ready to move, and no offense to my other friends, but I felt like I'd be left with no one. So I left.
But when I got to Barrie the job I was supposed to get never happened, and so, after a month, I had to move back home. Hang my head in shame, tail tucked between my legs and go cowering back home. Everyone told me it was awesome that I tried, I moved to a whole new province to a completely strange town. So I didn't do it on my first try, I had tried. I felt like a fool and a failure and didn't leave my room for nearly 2 weeks. I was so ashamed of myself. I put far too much pressure on myself for this kind of stuff and I just couldn't handle my own expectations.
It took me 3 months to find a job after coming home. In that time all that I had accomplished was letting my fics die and revamping my community. I was still fairly depressed but things slowly picked up. I kinda sorta really fell in love too.
Despite people being skeptical cause I met her not only online, but through RP communities, ienvy and I started a tentative relationship. It was hard and kind of confusing, and there are circumstances to it still that I'm not exactly happy with, but I still love her a whole damn lot.
So for the last 3 months I've been working 'full time' as a shift manager at Pizza Hut, trying to not let the stress of the job get to me, while trying (and failing) to keep a social life outside of my online friends, and planning to move, life's been just...hectic.
In February I'm moving back to Ontario, and in with bloodyneptune. A lot of people are again HUGE with skepticism when they learn the circumstances with with we met and became friends, but whatever. I send her birthday and christmas presents, she does the same for me. We talk, we write letters, we have pictures. We're best friends.
Sometime in march ienvy is planning on coming up during her spring break to spend time here in Canada, which I'm like...undefinably excited about.
After the move I'll be looking for a new part time job so that I can pay rent, and hopefully I'll be able to not feel so stressed out after a while. I want to get back into fic writing but I just can't find my head to do so.
New Years Resolutions, since I haven't set any yet:
Calm down and take life one day at a time
Keep in touch with old friends
Get better at sewing and try to sell things online
Work on fics
Get at least 3 new players in antea_furor
Loose 10 pounds.
At the start of 2009, things seemed to be going well. I had just left my f/t job as a cashier for a gas station to work only p/t at The Cash Store. I made $1.50 more an hour and my paychecks only took about a $60 cut. No biggie. I just needed money to pay for rent.
My fist LJ RP was dying. I was a moderater by this point, but it was beyond repair. In a last ditch effort to save some of my favorite players, antea_furor was born.
In April I moved to Ontario. Besides visiting relatives and the time that my parents were together, I'd never really -lived- in this province, but something told me that was where I wanted to be. It was close to one of my newest best friends, bloodyneptune, and it gave me a sense of independence. I wasn't scared (except for that half hour I was in Toronto because that place is HUGE compared to Winnipeg). Everything was all planned out, it was supposed to go perfectly. I even had a job set up, guaranteed.
I know now that moving there was just a preemptive strike on my part. I've always been fearful of abandonment, it's one of my greatest downfalls. Jackie had already moved, and she'd been my best friend since daycare. Ali was getting ready to move, and no offense to my other friends, but I felt like I'd be left with no one. So I left.
But when I got to Barrie the job I was supposed to get never happened, and so, after a month, I had to move back home. Hang my head in shame, tail tucked between my legs and go cowering back home. Everyone told me it was awesome that I tried, I moved to a whole new province to a completely strange town. So I didn't do it on my first try, I had tried. I felt like a fool and a failure and didn't leave my room for nearly 2 weeks. I was so ashamed of myself. I put far too much pressure on myself for this kind of stuff and I just couldn't handle my own expectations.
It took me 3 months to find a job after coming home. In that time all that I had accomplished was letting my fics die and revamping my community. I was still fairly depressed but things slowly picked up. I kinda sorta really fell in love too.
Despite people being skeptical cause I met her not only online, but through RP communities, ienvy and I started a tentative relationship. It was hard and kind of confusing, and there are circumstances to it still that I'm not exactly happy with, but I still love her a whole damn lot.
So for the last 3 months I've been working 'full time' as a shift manager at Pizza Hut, trying to not let the stress of the job get to me, while trying (and failing) to keep a social life outside of my online friends, and planning to move, life's been just...hectic.
In February I'm moving back to Ontario, and in with bloodyneptune. A lot of people are again HUGE with skepticism when they learn the circumstances with with we met and became friends, but whatever. I send her birthday and christmas presents, she does the same for me. We talk, we write letters, we have pictures. We're best friends.
Sometime in march ienvy is planning on coming up during her spring break to spend time here in Canada, which I'm like...undefinably excited about.
After the move I'll be looking for a new part time job so that I can pay rent, and hopefully I'll be able to not feel so stressed out after a while. I want to get back into fic writing but I just can't find my head to do so.
New Years Resolutions, since I haven't set any yet:
Calm down and take life one day at a time
Keep in touch with old friends
Get better at sewing and try to sell things online
Work on fics
Get at least 3 new players in antea_furor
Loose 10 pounds.