Fic:Parry Hotter and the Pureblood Prince [3-?]
Title: Parry Hotter and the Pureblood Prince [3-?]
Author: Witblogi
Pairings: P/M
Rating: 14 A (nc-17 later?)
Words: 1395
Warnings: fluff, crack, use of bad puns, ultimate mary-sues,
Summary: Follow up of [1] [2]: Third installment of the Warthogs universe. Parry and Maco battle with more unexpected interruptions. NOTE this is an HP/DM it's just...crack and poking fun and our favorite couple as well as mary-sues.
Parry Hotter and the Pureblood Prince [3-?]
“ What?!” Maco screeched feeling his eyes bulge in an entirely un-sexy way so he pushed them back into place and peered at Lona from between his splayed fingers. He felt kind of stealthy like this, like a cat, or cat woman, he suddenly wondered if maybe a leather body suit could be arranged to fit him perfectly, showing off his chocolaty curves to perfection, who needed reality when he was Halle Berry in his dreams?
“ I would like to talk to you, I believe your mother is actually my mother in disguise, and we are in fact sisters.” Lona Luvegood was the proverbial thorn in Maco’s side, and currently the literal annoying twerp of a little sister preventing him from getting his broom waxed by none other than The Great Parry Hotter. Maco was so worked up that he barely realized that Lona had thought him a girl.
He wasn’t about to spill the family sack of magic beans now, so he quickly went on the defensive. “You’ve got no proof! I don’t have to listen to this!” Maco snapped, crunching Parry’s hand as he tried to extricate himself from the situation. Lona blinked calmly and held up two pictures, one familiar to him, and one with a suspiciously photoshopped looking mother in it.
“ How did you get the L-N-Dr-alfoy family photos?” Maco pulled the two pictures into his grasp for closer inspection. Hotter leant over his shoulder to take them in as well.
“ That’s Mucius Lalfoy? Day-um I could get used to-“ Maco shot a Dralfoy Death Glare at his would-be lover, “ -to er never seeing his ugly mug again!” Hotter held up his palms in a peace gesture as Maco huffed and threw his shimmering hair over his shoulder.
“ I don’t know, I think he’s rather good looking. Mother always said he was Smokin-hot, that was, before the accident. But, I’ve found her! She only staged her own death to come back to her actual family!” Lona smiled and clapped her hands. Maco have her a beady-eyed glare.
“ So? You think what? My mother got tired of living the life of luxury in a forty seven room mansion as Lady Nalfoy with servants bowing and catering to her every whim? So she packed up and had an illicit torrid frolicking hot sweaty affair with Lenophilius Xovegood, had you and then up and pretended to die to come back to us? That’s preposterous! What’s her motive? Having a fetish for fair, long haired men with eccentric hobbies?!” He snapped and blanched as Lona blinked at him plainly, he’d obviously hit the nail on the head. But the only nails he wanted to be hitting was Parry hitting that, and nailing him into the bed, or the floor, or somewhere.
“ Listen, Dralfoy, I think this is a family matter and it would be best if I were to g-“ The Sparklypoo Ice-Prince-Sex-God turned on him and hissed menacingly. Hotter backed down like a shammed puppy, but then perked up as he pulled out a tube of something, Maco could only hope it was lubricant form his pocket.
“ Look! The perfect solution to all our adolescent problems! Eliminate Horniness Essence! Grape and everything!” Parry flicked the cap of the tube open only to have it high kicked right out of his hand. Maco lowered his leg, breathing heavily.
“ Wh-“
“ I learned that when I was in Japan over the summer as a ninja-samurai-sailor-moon-cross-dressing-assassin.” He tossed his hair over his shoulder again. “ Don’t look so surprised,” He turned away from the obviously aroused boy and back to his shameful half sister.
“ Right, what do you want me to say? We’ll get our nails done together and have coffee sometime?” he mocked but Lona just broke into a happy grin, beginning to bounce and emit a shrieking sound Maco could only inexplicably describe as ‘squee’.
“ Really?! That’d be great! We’ll be best friends and sisters!” she pulled him uncomfortably close in some sort of primal female embrace and then rushed abruptly out of the room. Finally realizing Lona had fully thought Maco was a woman he conjured a mirror and began to check his delicate yet strongly masculine features.
“You know…” Maco was pulled out of his thoughts by a sultry voice from afar. Turning he found Parry waving his hand, flaunting his amazing wandless magic as he dead-bolted, reinforced, air locked, and sealed the door off, “ I don’t think I’ve shown you my Thunderstick yet…but I’d like to. Would you like that Maco?”
“ Thunderstick? Really?” Maco knew they were very rare and very powerful the fact that Parry had one was actually not that surprising. Parry nodded to him in response patting the bed that appeared behind him as he wished.
“ Yes, it’s dirty though…you may have to …polish it?” Parry grinned ferally as Maco frowned. Something that powerful should never be left to tarnish.
“ Really Parry? You shouldn’t let your Thunderstick fall into such disrepair! Do you even know all the magical properties of wood that can be lost when you don’t properly polish it frequently?” he asked his eyes wide and innocent. Parry just chuckled and grinned further leaning forward into Maco.
“ I’m serious Parry. Something that powerful should be treated with respect.” Maco nodded and folded his arms across his chest. Parry nodded sympathetically, ghosting his hand over Maco’s cheeks before dropping into his lap to undo his fly.
“ You’re right, you should show it the proper respect it deserves I think…right now!” he nodded as Maco’s eyes widened in Horror.
“ You keep your Thunderstick in your pants?!” he asked in outrage, such a delicate instrument should never be stored so close to such important bits of anatomy. For the first time confusion traced over Parry’s face.
“ Of course… where do you keep yours?” he asked in bewilderment and just a touch of admiration for the platinum-silver-blond.
“ I don’t have one!” Maco was beginning to think maybe Parry hadn’t read his Autobiography: ‘it’s not easy to be mated to Parry Hotter and look this good all the time’ after all! Parry’s eyes widened and fell to Maco’s hips, as if he was X-Raying his trousers. Maco briefly wondered if Parry had had time to pick up any pointers from that time he and superman had fought to the death.
“ Y-you don’t?” Parry swallowed thickly, “ Well…I didn’t know. I suppose I could do it still I mean I was going to be the top anyway…”
“ Top? What? What are you talking about?”
“ What are you talking about?!”
“ Your wand! Your Thunderstick!”
“ Ohhh my Thunderstick!”
“Why…what were you talking about?”
“ My cock.”
“ Ah.”
“ Well then…this is a bit awkward,”
“ Yeah, the mood is totally ruined,”
“ Want to do it anyway?”
“…What the hell,”
The two boiz2men attacked, and sealed together at the mouth. Parry finally broke away, kneading his bottom lip in contrite worry.
“ What is it?” Maco purred reaching for Parry’s ‘Thunderstick’.
“ Well…you do…have…a-a ‘Thunderstick'... right?” He asked shiftily, “ Because it’s still okay if you don’t!” he backpedaled quickly. Maco looked unimpressed.
“ Yes. For the record: I AM A MALE complete with working male bits and perfectly damageable male pride as well as perfectly quaffed hair.” He nodded displaying his own body Vana White style, he mentally marked it down as a potential career to look at; he always did look stunning in sequins.
“ I like quaffs,” Parry added helpfully. Maco sniffed pointedly, pointing his pointy nose into an airy point.
“ Of course you do darling, you’re mated to me.” Parry seemed to think this over.
“ Do you think we’re doing more talking and thinking and pointing than shagging?”
“ Quite,”
“ And I still owe you that tart don’t I?”
Maco frowned, feeling his terribly tart-less tummy grumble and demand that now was not the time for shagging but snacking.
“ About that…”
“ Don’t tell me you’d rather skive off our shag to go eat yourself into a pastry induced coma!”
“Right then, I won’t.” And Maco broke the airtight seal on the door, forever tarnishing his and Parry’s mint condition action figure status.
[4]
Author: Witblogi
Pairings: P/M
Rating: 14 A (nc-17 later?)
Words: 1395
Warnings: fluff, crack, use of bad puns, ultimate mary-sues,
Summary: Follow up of [1] [2]: Third installment of the Warthogs universe. Parry and Maco battle with more unexpected interruptions. NOTE this is an HP/DM it's just...crack and poking fun and our favorite couple as well as mary-sues.
Parry Hotter and the Pureblood Prince [3-?]
“ What?!” Maco screeched feeling his eyes bulge in an entirely un-sexy way so he pushed them back into place and peered at Lona from between his splayed fingers. He felt kind of stealthy like this, like a cat, or cat woman, he suddenly wondered if maybe a leather body suit could be arranged to fit him perfectly, showing off his chocolaty curves to perfection, who needed reality when he was Halle Berry in his dreams?
“ I would like to talk to you, I believe your mother is actually my mother in disguise, and we are in fact sisters.” Lona Luvegood was the proverbial thorn in Maco’s side, and currently the literal annoying twerp of a little sister preventing him from getting his broom waxed by none other than The Great Parry Hotter. Maco was so worked up that he barely realized that Lona had thought him a girl.
He wasn’t about to spill the family sack of magic beans now, so he quickly went on the defensive. “You’ve got no proof! I don’t have to listen to this!” Maco snapped, crunching Parry’s hand as he tried to extricate himself from the situation. Lona blinked calmly and held up two pictures, one familiar to him, and one with a suspiciously photoshopped looking mother in it.
“ How did you get the L-N-Dr-alfoy family photos?” Maco pulled the two pictures into his grasp for closer inspection. Hotter leant over his shoulder to take them in as well.
“ That’s Mucius Lalfoy? Day-um I could get used to-“ Maco shot a Dralfoy Death Glare at his would-be lover, “ -to er never seeing his ugly mug again!” Hotter held up his palms in a peace gesture as Maco huffed and threw his shimmering hair over his shoulder.
“ I don’t know, I think he’s rather good looking. Mother always said he was Smokin-hot, that was, before the accident. But, I’ve found her! She only staged her own death to come back to her actual family!” Lona smiled and clapped her hands. Maco have her a beady-eyed glare.
“ So? You think what? My mother got tired of living the life of luxury in a forty seven room mansion as Lady Nalfoy with servants bowing and catering to her every whim? So she packed up and had an illicit torrid frolicking hot sweaty affair with Lenophilius Xovegood, had you and then up and pretended to die to come back to us? That’s preposterous! What’s her motive? Having a fetish for fair, long haired men with eccentric hobbies?!” He snapped and blanched as Lona blinked at him plainly, he’d obviously hit the nail on the head. But the only nails he wanted to be hitting was Parry hitting that, and nailing him into the bed, or the floor, or somewhere.
“ Listen, Dralfoy, I think this is a family matter and it would be best if I were to g-“ The Sparklypoo Ice-Prince-Sex-God turned on him and hissed menacingly. Hotter backed down like a shammed puppy, but then perked up as he pulled out a tube of something, Maco could only hope it was lubricant form his pocket.
“ Look! The perfect solution to all our adolescent problems! Eliminate Horniness Essence! Grape and everything!” Parry flicked the cap of the tube open only to have it high kicked right out of his hand. Maco lowered his leg, breathing heavily.
“ Wh-“
“ I learned that when I was in Japan over the summer as a ninja-samurai-sailor-moon-cross-dressing-assassin.” He tossed his hair over his shoulder again. “ Don’t look so surprised,” He turned away from the obviously aroused boy and back to his shameful half sister.
“ Right, what do you want me to say? We’ll get our nails done together and have coffee sometime?” he mocked but Lona just broke into a happy grin, beginning to bounce and emit a shrieking sound Maco could only inexplicably describe as ‘squee’.
“ Really?! That’d be great! We’ll be best friends and sisters!” she pulled him uncomfortably close in some sort of primal female embrace and then rushed abruptly out of the room. Finally realizing Lona had fully thought Maco was a woman he conjured a mirror and began to check his delicate yet strongly masculine features.
“You know…” Maco was pulled out of his thoughts by a sultry voice from afar. Turning he found Parry waving his hand, flaunting his amazing wandless magic as he dead-bolted, reinforced, air locked, and sealed the door off, “ I don’t think I’ve shown you my Thunderstick yet…but I’d like to. Would you like that Maco?”
“ Thunderstick? Really?” Maco knew they were very rare and very powerful the fact that Parry had one was actually not that surprising. Parry nodded to him in response patting the bed that appeared behind him as he wished.
“ Yes, it’s dirty though…you may have to …polish it?” Parry grinned ferally as Maco frowned. Something that powerful should never be left to tarnish.
“ Really Parry? You shouldn’t let your Thunderstick fall into such disrepair! Do you even know all the magical properties of wood that can be lost when you don’t properly polish it frequently?” he asked his eyes wide and innocent. Parry just chuckled and grinned further leaning forward into Maco.
“ I’m serious Parry. Something that powerful should be treated with respect.” Maco nodded and folded his arms across his chest. Parry nodded sympathetically, ghosting his hand over Maco’s cheeks before dropping into his lap to undo his fly.
“ You’re right, you should show it the proper respect it deserves I think…right now!” he nodded as Maco’s eyes widened in Horror.
“ You keep your Thunderstick in your pants?!” he asked in outrage, such a delicate instrument should never be stored so close to such important bits of anatomy. For the first time confusion traced over Parry’s face.
“ Of course… where do you keep yours?” he asked in bewilderment and just a touch of admiration for the platinum-silver-blond.
“ I don’t have one!” Maco was beginning to think maybe Parry hadn’t read his Autobiography: ‘it’s not easy to be mated to Parry Hotter and look this good all the time’ after all! Parry’s eyes widened and fell to Maco’s hips, as if he was X-Raying his trousers. Maco briefly wondered if Parry had had time to pick up any pointers from that time he and superman had fought to the death.
“ Y-you don’t?” Parry swallowed thickly, “ Well…I didn’t know. I suppose I could do it still I mean I was going to be the top anyway…”
“ Top? What? What are you talking about?”
“ What are you talking about?!”
“ Your wand! Your Thunderstick!”
“ Ohhh my Thunderstick!”
“Why…what were you talking about?”
“ My cock.”
“ Ah.”
“ Well then…this is a bit awkward,”
“ Yeah, the mood is totally ruined,”
“ Want to do it anyway?”
“…What the hell,”
The two boiz2men attacked, and sealed together at the mouth. Parry finally broke away, kneading his bottom lip in contrite worry.
“ What is it?” Maco purred reaching for Parry’s ‘Thunderstick’.
“ Well…you do…have…a-a ‘Thunderstick'... right?” He asked shiftily, “ Because it’s still okay if you don’t!” he backpedaled quickly. Maco looked unimpressed.
“ Yes. For the record: I AM A MALE complete with working male bits and perfectly damageable male pride as well as perfectly quaffed hair.” He nodded displaying his own body Vana White style, he mentally marked it down as a potential career to look at; he always did look stunning in sequins.
“ I like quaffs,” Parry added helpfully. Maco sniffed pointedly, pointing his pointy nose into an airy point.
“ Of course you do darling, you’re mated to me.” Parry seemed to think this over.
“ Do you think we’re doing more talking and thinking and pointing than shagging?”
“ Quite,”
“ And I still owe you that tart don’t I?”
Maco frowned, feeling his terribly tart-less tummy grumble and demand that now was not the time for shagging but snacking.
“ About that…”
“ Don’t tell me you’d rather skive off our shag to go eat yourself into a pastry induced coma!”
“Right then, I won’t.” And Maco broke the airtight seal on the door, forever tarnishing his and Parry’s mint condition action figure status.
[4]