[fic] Well, I crippled your heart a hundred times & still can't work out why
Robin ends up back in his own room eventually. He left the pill bottle in her room. It's going to hurt worse once they start to wear off, and he honestly can't imagine it hurting worse than it does at this moment sitting on the edge of his bed with a case full of tranquilizers that he knows he can't take as much as he'd like to shove all of them into his body until he physically can't anymore.
It would be so easy. One more time. This time he can take every pill in his cabinet, every sedative in this case and make absolutely positive that it does work.
He takes out one of them, closes the case, and shoves the rest under his bed. He can't because of her. Maybe she'd feel guilt for it if he did. Maybe she'd want to take back words that were said. He knows that she'd be hurt by it. Because despite everything, he knows she still cares about him, and he can't hurt her again even if he wouldn't be around to face the consequences, to see how it'd make her feel. Not after what he's already done to her. Not after the way she looked when she told him to leave.
It doesn't matter.
Robin knew he'd do this. He should have listened to himself. If he had more strength, he never would have kissed her in the first place, and it's not for himself that he wishes he hadn't. It's for her. Only her. What has he brought her beyond pain? He would trade all they shared for her not having to feel that pain and not for anything else in the world because he knows that the time he shared with her and Ruvin before the plagues hit... he was happy. For the first time in his life, he was happy and that's worth everything but their pain.
It doesn't matter.
But it does. Because despite the drugs in his system and the emptiness in his head, he can't get it out of his head. The image of it. Of her turned away from him and the hurt that he could see in her stance. Or the look on Ruvin's face before she disappeared from his arms. He'd known it'd be the last time that he saw her. One way or another. He's glad he told her what he did. If he really loved her like he said he did, he'd give her her space as much as it's killing him to be torn from the two people he loves the most. His heart's still left in Rachel Dawes' room, and his chest feels empty.
It doesn't matter.
If it doesn't matter then it doesn't matter if he goes on living despite not wanting to. The same way that he's lived for so long. Alone. Behind walls that no one can break down. Remembering what he's lost. Hurting over the past. Carefully distracted but always on the edge of something horrible. I love you, but I don't know how to hold on to someone that only wants to let themselves go. I don't know how. And you don't want me to. It's no less than he deserves. His own personal hell. One day it will end but not until the world decides he's finally had enough.