Do You Know What I'm Seeing? | Ryan/Brendon | 12
Title: Do You Know What I'm Seeing? (Abandonment)
Author: RuthSuzanne.
Rating: 12.
Pairing: Past Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie.
Fandom: Panic At The Disco.
Summary: Brendon starts acknowledging it second, what with the intensifying stabbing pain of neglect in his chest. He is watching the crack between himself and the other three grow wider and wider, Spencer with a foot either side unsure of which way to jump, and there is nothing Brendon can do to stop it.
Disclaimer: Let's hope this isn't happening/doesn't happen. The meet and greet situation is based on truth.
A/N: Just a little something I wrote out of my system this afternoon. For self_sustaining, I'm sure you can guess why, Terri :].
Word Count: 824.
Do You Know What I'm Seeing? (Abandonment)
Spencer sees it first, the way RyanandBrendon and SpencerandJon is fast becoming RyanandJon, and Spencer. Then Brendon. Spencer doesn't mind so much on his part, he has Haley, but Brendon has nobody, not now. Spencer can see the inability to cope with seclusion in the fake all-teeth no feeling smiles and bouts of melancholy silence. Brendon's coping mechanism is family and commitment, but he is losing grip on them both. Panic is/was his family, and Ryan was the committal of his love.
Despite everything, Spencer tries to show Brendon he still cares with small smiles and hands on shoulders, but the spanner in the works has caused too much damage for anybody to be able to reverse it. It pains him to see the tears well in Brendon's doe eyes and the tight line of his full lips when Jon talks over him while kicking him in the back during an interview.
Spencer, he wants to cradle the older boy in his arms and pray that they all make it past the album drop, band still in tact.
Brendon still in tact.
Brendon starts acknowledging it second, what with the intensifying stabbing pain of neglect in his chest. He is watching the crack between himself and the other three grow wider and wider, Spencer with a foot either side unsure of which way to jump, and there is nothing Brendon can do to stop it.
He is finding himself spending more and more time alone without Ryan. He is scribbling down words that will never compare to Ryan's, severely harrassing his piano keys and violently abusing his guitar strings. He tries not to think of three boys locked up in his ex-lovers blue tiled kitchen writing songs about the girls that they hold close on winter evenings when he is stuck with nothing but his pet cat, Aladdin. Brendon, if he is to be honest, misses Ryan. It isn't even the kissing, but the most trivial of things, like the exchange of hushed conversation at three in the morning or the sharing of a McDonalds meal when Brendon forgets his wallet and Ryan only has a few dollars change to last the week in his pocket. It is sad, it is desperate, but clinging to the memories is the only thing saving him from the downfall.
It really starts stinging when they're talking with a red-haired fan at a meet and greet in Europe, her and Jon talking about the dreadful English weather when Brendon bursts into a hushed rendition of the chorus to 'Do You Know What I'm Seeing?' and Jon just pushes him in his seat, telling him to shut up.
Brendon would think about breaking free if it wasn't for the fact that the leash around his neck is his keeper.
Ryan realises it next, the deep sinking feeling of loss that weighs down on the heart and mind. He keeps telling himself he didn't mean for it to happen in the hope that he'll start believing it. Jon is, Jon has this personality that you can't say no to, it draws you in and never lets you go. Maybe it is the alcohol and weed that keeps him at Jon's side during the writing process, but losing Brendon along the way hadn't been on the agenda. (Keltie hadn't been on the agenda, either.) He loved, loves, loved.. past or present tense, he cannot deny the connection between his own sorry heart and Brendon's full one.
His, Spencer's and Jon's names fit together and fall effortlessly from his lips time and time again teamed with the mention of kitchens and song writing, Brendon long forgotten. Ryan remembers eleven in the evening phone calls from Brendon that began with heart-wrenching sobs, but never finished of their own accord because Ryan pressed end call while as high as a kite, Jon on his left laughing.
He starts to feel guilty, then stops. He wonders about picking up the broken boy who reminds him of himself circa 2005, but stops. He does, he stops. He thinks, he stops. Indecisiveness is killing off his brain cells one by one, starting with his rationality.
Ryan hadn't meant every word he said about how being with Brendon was like babysitting a pill-popping two-year old, a four year old on speed, a six year old with a cocaine addiction.
Ryan has found his comfort zone and he hasn't found a place to put Brendon yet.
Jon never notices it, the abandonment of one by two never quite registering in his head. He had only wanted what Ryan and Brendon had, not the sexual side of things, but the best friend bond they had. The need to feel wanted, to fit in had taken over. Comments of "we were seventeen" and "we're from Las Vegas" taking priority over what really counts.
Jonathan Walker may have rescued the band once before one May two years ago, but that doesn't make them invincible now. He is breaking them down and he doesn't even know it.
Author: RuthSuzanne.
Rating: 12.
Pairing: Past Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie.
Fandom: Panic At The Disco.
Summary: Brendon starts acknowledging it second, what with the intensifying stabbing pain of neglect in his chest. He is watching the crack between himself and the other three grow wider and wider, Spencer with a foot either side unsure of which way to jump, and there is nothing Brendon can do to stop it.
Disclaimer: Let's hope this isn't happening/doesn't happen. The meet and greet situation is based on truth.
A/N: Just a little something I wrote out of my system this afternoon. For self_sustaining, I'm sure you can guess why, Terri :].
Word Count: 824.
Do You Know What I'm Seeing? (Abandonment)
Spencer sees it first, the way RyanandBrendon and SpencerandJon is fast becoming RyanandJon, and Spencer. Then Brendon. Spencer doesn't mind so much on his part, he has Haley, but Brendon has nobody, not now. Spencer can see the inability to cope with seclusion in the fake all-teeth no feeling smiles and bouts of melancholy silence. Brendon's coping mechanism is family and commitment, but he is losing grip on them both. Panic is/was his family, and Ryan was the committal of his love.
Despite everything, Spencer tries to show Brendon he still cares with small smiles and hands on shoulders, but the spanner in the works has caused too much damage for anybody to be able to reverse it. It pains him to see the tears well in Brendon's doe eyes and the tight line of his full lips when Jon talks over him while kicking him in the back during an interview.
Spencer, he wants to cradle the older boy in his arms and pray that they all make it past the album drop, band still in tact.
Brendon still in tact.
Brendon starts acknowledging it second, what with the intensifying stabbing pain of neglect in his chest. He is watching the crack between himself and the other three grow wider and wider, Spencer with a foot either side unsure of which way to jump, and there is nothing Brendon can do to stop it.
He is finding himself spending more and more time alone without Ryan. He is scribbling down words that will never compare to Ryan's, severely harrassing his piano keys and violently abusing his guitar strings. He tries not to think of three boys locked up in his ex-lovers blue tiled kitchen writing songs about the girls that they hold close on winter evenings when he is stuck with nothing but his pet cat, Aladdin. Brendon, if he is to be honest, misses Ryan. It isn't even the kissing, but the most trivial of things, like the exchange of hushed conversation at three in the morning or the sharing of a McDonalds meal when Brendon forgets his wallet and Ryan only has a few dollars change to last the week in his pocket. It is sad, it is desperate, but clinging to the memories is the only thing saving him from the downfall.
It really starts stinging when they're talking with a red-haired fan at a meet and greet in Europe, her and Jon talking about the dreadful English weather when Brendon bursts into a hushed rendition of the chorus to 'Do You Know What I'm Seeing?' and Jon just pushes him in his seat, telling him to shut up.
Brendon would think about breaking free if it wasn't for the fact that the leash around his neck is his keeper.
Ryan realises it next, the deep sinking feeling of loss that weighs down on the heart and mind. He keeps telling himself he didn't mean for it to happen in the hope that he'll start believing it. Jon is, Jon has this personality that you can't say no to, it draws you in and never lets you go. Maybe it is the alcohol and weed that keeps him at Jon's side during the writing process, but losing Brendon along the way hadn't been on the agenda. (Keltie hadn't been on the agenda, either.) He loved, loves, loved.. past or present tense, he cannot deny the connection between his own sorry heart and Brendon's full one.
His, Spencer's and Jon's names fit together and fall effortlessly from his lips time and time again teamed with the mention of kitchens and song writing, Brendon long forgotten. Ryan remembers eleven in the evening phone calls from Brendon that began with heart-wrenching sobs, but never finished of their own accord because Ryan pressed end call while as high as a kite, Jon on his left laughing.
He starts to feel guilty, then stops. He wonders about picking up the broken boy who reminds him of himself circa 2005, but stops. He does, he stops. He thinks, he stops. Indecisiveness is killing off his brain cells one by one, starting with his rationality.
Ryan hadn't meant every word he said about how being with Brendon was like babysitting a pill-popping two-year old, a four year old on speed, a six year old with a cocaine addiction.
Ryan has found his comfort zone and he hasn't found a place to put Brendon yet.
Jon never notices it, the abandonment of one by two never quite registering in his head. He had only wanted what Ryan and Brendon had, not the sexual side of things, but the best friend bond they had. The need to feel wanted, to fit in had taken over. Comments of "we were seventeen" and "we're from Las Vegas" taking priority over what really counts.
Jonathan Walker may have rescued the band once before one May two years ago, but that doesn't make them invincible now. He is breaking them down and he doesn't even know it.