You wear your every last disguise
IRC-Canon
Pre-log: There was a party at Roderich's house, he got drunk and ended up cuddling in not!drunk Gil's lap. He gets up to do something after the last person who is not Gil leaves. And then our story starts.
* Roderich ho hum, sits over here and debates getting another drink. Wonders where BurnoutGil wandered off to.
* BurnoutGil probably still cuddling you, unless you got off him to go throw up?
* Roderich noooo, didn't need to do that. Was only getting another drink if you had wandered off. Then he would throw up, but it wouldn't matter because everyone would be gone.
* Roderich probably just turned the A/C on or something.
* BurnoutGil is here and cuddles. :|
* Rodstein still kissing and nibbling, and the kisses are moving from Gil's neck to his jaw and slowly over to his mouth, almost like a cautious animal testing the waters.
* BurnoutGil turns his face away so you only get his cheek, and his hand is totally not shaking at all as he keeps petting your back because god this is nice and you're so pretty and /Rod/ but he can't let this happen he can't.
* Rodstein blinks, he's not so drunk he can't tell a rejection when he gets one so he kisses again, this time angling his way back toward his jaw and the lobe of his ear, when he manages to get there he only whispers a single word "Please" because it's happening again, everyone's leaving, and he doesn't want Gil to leave, doesn't want to be alone again.
* BurnoutGil hugs Rod close, arms tight around his waist, shakes his head just a little bit and then burying his face in Rod's neck, because god he wants to give you what you want, he does, but he wants to hold you forever and it would just be another fling for you and he already knows he'd never forgive you and he doesn't want to lose you like that.
* Rodstein doesn't get why Gil keeps telling him no, he keeps reading all the signals right, he should have a degree in that really for all the time he's spent studying it, and then Gil just stops and says no. He holds onto Gil like a liferaft right now, and maybe it's because he's the one here and he stayed, or maybe it's more than that, he's just drunk enough that he can't pull the feelings apart and look at them. "Then just stay. Please." Maybe he can just give him that, just make sure that he's not alone, that he's not cold and lonely, he hates that. Hates being alone.
* BurnoutGil kisses Rod's hair and keeps hugging him and god yes he's allowed to stay even if that's all, that's all that can possibly happen but just that is enough for Gil to be grateful for. "Of course I will. You can't get rid of me that easily. I followed you all the way across town, remember?"
* Rodstein nods, holding him close and curling up into a ball on his lap, half-drunk glass sitting on a nearby counter. "I remember. Don want t' get rid of you" he mutters into his hair. It comforts him that Gil will stay, and somehow, wrapped up in the arms of his former tormentor he feels safer than he has in quite a long time.
* BurnoutGil holds him and strokes his back and rocks them back and forth a little, crooning bits of German songs he doesn't remember the meanings of. "I won't let you," he promises, because that's what it all comes down to, really. He could give in and kiss Rod and probably a hell of a lot more and it would probably be fantastic but it would also be the fastest way to not being able to stand being in the same room with him again without getting eaten alive by jealousy and bitterness and he will not let Rod get rid of him.
* Rodstein smiles, even if he only sort of believes Gil right now. He's been left by a lot of people, and when it looks like they were about to leave, done his fair share of leaving. So while he wants to think that Gil means something longer than a week or two, or a month, or even longer than that, he's not holding out any hope. Because as much as it hurts to have an empty bed in the morning, it hurts a hell of a lot more when you didn't think it was going to be empty. He wants more reassurances, but he doesn't know how to ask for them in any other way but his body, and Gil has quite rejected that. So he just has to trust that Gil is serious and that when he gets up, he will be there.
* BurnoutGil presses a dry, light kiss against Rod's temple before picking him up bridal-style, giving a little rueful chuckle as he realizes he doesn't know which room is Rod's. "Where to?"
* Rodstein giggles and wraps his arms around Gil's neck, nuzzling under his jaw. "My room's at the end of the hallway, on the right." He sighs, getting comfortable in Gil's arms, even though they're close to the same size.
* BurnoutGil grins and carries him there, nudging the door open with his foot and laying Rod down on the bed, crouching to tug off Rod's shoes.
* Rodstein stretched once he lays down and giggles. "So sweet to me~"
* BurnoutGil mutters and huffs and has no good answer to that, really. He kicks off his own shoes and crawls in next to Rod, spooning up behind him and tugging the covers over them.
* Rodstein smiles and cuddles, wiggling a bit more than he intended to honest, in an effort to get comfortable. If Gil's arm is not draped over his waist then it will be soon, and his arm over it, with their fingers laced together. Sorry, this is mine for the night. Once he's nice and comfy he sighs contently. "Thank you. For staying." And please don't be gone in the morning, is the unspoken end to that sentence, but he doesn't have the courage to say it.
* BurnoutGil noses the nape of Rod's neck and squeezes their intertwined hands just a little relishing the warm closeness, the perfect way they fit together, even the scent of your girly shampoo. Gil knows that if he was just one more crayon short of the box set, he'd make a terrifyingly good stalker, but you are so. So strange and impossible to deal with and just as wonderful as you were the day he first started tormenting you, because he couldn't stand being that stricken with a beautiful type A music nerd he didn't even know. So he's walked the line so far and he has you for this, for now, and it's wonderful.
* Rodstein can't keep from giggling when he feels that nose press into the back of his neck and feels Gil's fingers squeeze his. It just feels so perfect right now, just like it always does right after. But they hadn't done anything for there to be a right after. No, he was getting this closeness just because, he had someone in his bed because they wanted to spend time with him, not because he was good looking or he had a nice ass or because he could do that thing with his mouth. He had recently come to a revelation (deep at the bottom of a bottle, where most of these revelations dwell) that he was really a type of whore. Not for money or presents, but just for this. For company, for someone to hold him as he fell asleep and to be there when he woke in the morning. . And he got it sometimes, some pale sort of imitation of what he wanted, because in the end they didn't really care too much about him. That he was getting what he craved without having to "pay" was something he hadn't encountered in far too long. Maybe Gil would have changed his mind by morning, maybe he would want something he claimed he hadn't tonight, or maybe he would just be gone. But right now Roderich had him here, he was being held and cared for and he was not alone. And really, he thought as sleep finally wrapped him in its own embrace, really, right now that was all that mattered.
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* BurnoutGil wakes up still wrapped around Rod, their clothes wrinkled and rumpled with sleep and, fortunately, nothing else, even if Gil couldn't quite suppress a little pang of - not regret, not that, but maybe futile wistfulness. Still, he was content and comfortable and he snuggled against the man in his arms, enjoying the lazy morning loveliness of it all.
* Rodstein wakes up much later, his head pounding and his mouth feeling as though several small fuzzy animals had recently died in it. Long time veteran of many a morning like this, he almost didn't recognize the arm wrapped around him or the warm body held close to his. Well, that was different. He still felt horrible, a fact expressed when he rolled over and groaned loudly in pain. Oh god, why was the sun so fucking bright?? "Uuuurrgh" was all he could manage, his stomach and head protesting last night's treatment too much for him to get any closer.
* BurnoutGil tried and failed not to be at least a little amused by Rod's inevitable suffering. Old habits die hard, or something like that. Still, he didn't have to be a dick about it. He pressed a gentle, feather-light kiss on the back of Rod's neck, carefully disentangling them as he murmured softly, "I'll get you a glass of water, okay?"
* Rodstein nodded, infinitely grateful that he wouldn't have to be the one to drag his sorry carcass to the kitchen and get the water he needed. "Thanks" he managed before remembering "bathroom cab'net, purple pill bottle, two please." He was pretty sure he couldn't manage any more speech right now, not until he felt more human than nausea and pain in a human mold anyway.
* BurnoutGil fetched him a glass of water and the pills he asked for, pulling the drapes closed as he went. He slid an arm under Rod's back and helped him sit up enough to drink the water, stroking his hair a little after handing the glass and pills over.
* Rodstein took the pills and rinsed them down with the entire glass of water, giving Gil as grateful a smile as he could manage before they kicked in. He reached up and hugged him around the neck, the relief that he was here because he wanted to be made him feel better. "Thanks Gil. A lot."
* BurnoutGil hugged him gingerly back, mindful of how miserable Rod must be. "Yeah, of course." Part of him felt terribly nervous all of a sudden, worried that once Rod sobered up, he'd be mad at Gil for turning him down. As soon as he articulated that thought consciously, though, he laughed harshly at himself. Rod slept around with whoever he liked, and if Gil was too screwed up to handle him, then he'd just find somebody else. Thinking Rod actually wanted him enough to be angry with him was - wishful hubris, at best. "You want me to go get started on waffles while you work on feeling human again?"
* Rodstein smiled weakly and nodded "That would be awesome" he said, using Gil's old word for describing... well everything. "You're a lifesaver, really." It was funny how different last night looked in the unforgiving light of a hungover morning. He had been an idiot, getting drunk and throwing himself at Gil like that. He'd obviously only been humoring him. He might like him as a friend, but really, why was he surprised he had turned down a slut? It was a good thing Gil still had standards at least.
* BurnoutGil grinned widely. Waffles were always awesome, and his were the awesomest. Still he kept on sitting in the bed (Rod's Bed) for a while longer, lingering with his arms around Rod for as long as he could reasonably get away with before a drawn-out hug started to turn into clinging. He kissed Rod's temple again, just in case he didn't get another chance, then made his way down to the kitchen to start mixing waffle batter.
* Rodstein gingerly laid back down on the bed, closing his eyes to shut out the light that managed to get past his curtains. He would have to apologize to Gil about last night, for making a fool of himself. At least he wasn't angry about it, so maybe they could still be friends, and Roderich would just have to be more careful when he drank. There were others, he told himself, but even then he knew it was a lie and a truth. Yes, there were more, maybe even more that wouldn't treat him like a slut to bed, but none of them were Gil. And suddenly, that mattered. A lot. A few moments later and his headache had cleared enough that he felt he could brave the walk to the kitchen. Besides, there were some really great smells making their way to his bedroom. He picked up his old blue bathrobe, the one he never wore for company, and pulled it on, shuffling down the hallway until he emerged in the kitchen. He smiled and leaned in the doorway. "I thought the waffles were just going to be awesome, this smells like you were aiming for heavenly."
* BurnoutGil grinned and scrubbed a hand through his sleep-mussed hair. "Well, since they're my waffles, they're super extra awesome." Gil set the first couple of waffles on a plate and set it on the table before moving back to the waffle iron. "If you have any fruit or whipped cream or anything, things could get angelic pretty quick, though."
"I think I have some whipped cream" he peered in his refrigerator, pulling out a couple of the aerosol cans of whipped cream. "Do we want original, chocolate or extra creamy?" He ended up just putting all three down on the counter, reaching inside to get some orange juice for himself to drink. He wasn't stupid enough to try for more alcohol to cure a hangover after all.
* BurnoutGil decided, under the circumstances, to spare Rodstein his usual diatribe on chocolate whipped cream, and how it was a travesty that ruined not one but two otherwise totally awesome things. But only because he was hungover and probably wouldn't listen. "Extra creamy for me," he said instead, pulling the next waffle steaming faintly from the iron and pouring the next bit of batter.
* Rodstein kept out the extra creamy, putting the other two back. The chocolate had been bought on a whim and he hadn't really ended up liking it, but he didn't want to throw it away because damn it, he had spent money on that. He got out the silverware and put it on the table and then poured himself a cup of juice. "What do you want to drink Gil?" He knew he was avoiding his apology, but damn it, this was so nice, so perfect, he didn't want to ruin it with that. Didn't want to screw this up by bringing attention to his flaws.
* BurnoutGil quietly tapped a little improvised percussion on the counter with his tongs, waiting for the next waffle to be done. "Oh, juice is fine, thanks," he told Rod, his shoulders moving back and forth a little, almost as if he were dancing in place to the simple rhythm, letting the happiness of the moment and the smell of waffles and the glint of morning sunlight on Rod's cheekbones drive out how much he wanted not to ever go back to the place he only half called home anymore.
* Rodstein nodded, pouring him a glass of juice and putting that on the table next to the other place that was set, only waiting for a plate of waffles before it was complete. The table set, there was really nothing else he could do, and he resisted the urge to go up behind Gil and wrap his arms around his waist and kiss the back of his neck, right where pale hair met pale skin. No, he wouldn't like that would he? He didn't want someone like him. He stood in silence, just watching Gil move to the tapping of his tongs, wishing he could see the muscles hidden by his sleep rumpled shirt. That was another thought that got shoved away ruthlessly. No. Down boy. The waffles would be done soon, but right now all he was doing was delaying, standing next to the table until everything was ready. Letting himself believe that this was for more than one morning.
* BurnoutGil put the last one on another plate and switched off the iron, bringing the second set of waffles over, mouth watering as he sat. "You can sit, you know, it's your table," he teased mildly before slathering his waffles in whipped cream and digging in.
* Rodstein started a bit and then smiled, almost sheepishly as he sat down, pushing his hair out of his eyes before squirting a heaping pile of whipped cream on his waffles. "Yeah, I guess it is, isn't it. This really does smell great." And then he took a bite and almost melted in his seat. He almost had to physically restrain himself from just stuffing his face full of the fluffy, crispy creations. "Oh god Gil, these are.... these are amazing." And with the whipped cream on top he was sure he was going to die from some sort of good food overload. As it was he simply kept eating the delicious food, a smile of pure bliss on his face.
* BurnoutGil beamed at the obvious enjoyment as much as the compliment, since that was always the real measure of good food in his opinion, though he shrugged it off after gulping down a mouthful of his own. "Yeah, well, Dad's all traditional and deliberately hopeless at 'women's work', so...I learned how to cook stuff I liked."
* Rodstein snorted, deciding that the waffles were more important than his comment on Gil's father. He did swallow and shrug though "You could have just lived off instant noodles and microwave pizza." Not that this was something Roderich would ever have considered. Really, in his opinion you might as well eat the packaging for all the good flavors you got. "I'd rather have someone around who was an excellent cook than some meat-brained manly man anyway" he said, giggling slightly.
* BurnoutGil chuckled too. "I guess I could have lived off the microwave, but. I like good food. And I couldn't let Lutz grow up like that, now could I?" He fell quiet for a minute, eating his waffles contemplatively. "Dad is. He could cook, you know. It's just a matter of following instructions, and he's not stupid. But cooking was Mom's thing, and I think for him it's still Mom's thing, and part of him just won't do it."
It occurs to Roderich that doesn't really know anyone without some sort of issues, linked to lots of different things. It almost made him wish he had gotten his degree in something to do with Human Behavior instead of Musical Theatre. But he just nods and eats his pancakes in silence until Gil is done. Family isn't something he likes talking about, he knows how much he disappointed his, and talking about them just brings all those old feelings back up. "Well, I'm sure Lutz is glad you were around to fix him all these tasty things" he smiled a little and went back to eating the waffles, almost wishing they could last forever, as much because they were delicious as because he knew that once they were gone he knew he would have to talk about last night.
* BurnoutGil laughs fondly. "Poor kid lived through my experiments, he earned a few good meals." He was a little amazed at how easy it was, telling Rod about Mom. Not that he'd actually said anything about /her/, but. He'd talked, like a sane person, even though Rod generally made him feel twice as crazy as he usually did. That was - that was kind of awesome, too.
* Rodstein smiles, eating the last of his waffles and feeling better than he had in years. He couldn't remember a morning this nice, he usually hated mornings with a passion, but this, this was nice and calm and everything he had heard mornings were supposed to be. He only wished he could have it every morning instead of this soap bubble dream of it. He would give a lot to have this every morning. But he couldn't. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for this. "Look Gil, about last night" he paused, but only for a moment, plunging on before he lost his nerve. "I'm sorry, about the way I behaved. I, I must have looked ridiculous like that, and you were just trying to keep me from p-pawing all over you. I, I lost control of myself, and I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'll keep better control of myself next time." The entire time his head was bowed, looking down at his plate and chasing little bits of whipped cream around with his fork. He didn't want to see what was in Gil's eyes. Mostly because he had no idea what it would be.
* BurnoutGil murmured, "You didn't," only realizing a moment later he might want to clarify. "Embarrass me. Or look ridiculous. It. It was. I was cuddling you in my lap, okay? It was a reasonable assumption. Maybe. Maybe even right from a certain point of view. But I can't go any farther than that, I can't, and when I said so. Well. Not that I said anything, but you know. Well I stopped. You stopped. So we're cool. I mean. I want us to be."
* Rodstein nodded, no small amount of relief flooding him, but at the same time he couldn't help but ask one more question, just to confirm what he already knew. "Can I, can I ask why? I mean is it because I... because I like to sleep around or is it something else?" His head came up and he looked at Gil, he was too tired and still too hungover to school his expression flat. His eyes were full of questions and hopes "Why" and "Love me" and "I love you" and most of all "please don't go."He wasn't really sure about the love bits, but everything about him told him that this was what it felt like.
* BurnoutGil stared, momentarily dumbstruck by Roderich's eyes because no matter how much Gil told himself he was just seeing what he wanted to see, those eyes kept right on looking at him the way he'd secretly hoped they might in his most privately hoarded dreams. "It's. It's. Look, it's a lot of things, okay?" His mouth was suddenly dry and he gulped down the last of his juice, trying to sort things out right. "It's sort of that you sleep around, but only in that I am a crazy bastard who's been just this side of rifling through your trash for years, and I am not capable of having a one night stand with you, okay? And that's what you do, and that's okay, because honestly one night stands are pretty much the only kind of sex I can have without freaking out and turning into a psychotic possessive asshat, but. I can't have one with you. Because I'm insane. So. So yeah." Gilbert stared at the table so he wouldn't have to meet those eyes, tracing woodgrain through the surface with an idle fingertip, wondering why the hell he'd said all that out loud, wondering how he'd even managed to get it out with another person in the room. But this was Rod, and not untouchable-perfectionist-middle-school Rod, or unreachable-lusting-after-everyone-else Rod, but someone else, someone he could hold all night who would compliment his waffles in the morning.
* Rodstein chewed on his lip for a long time, trying to get things out right and in the right order so that they made sense. His hand slid its way over the small kitchen table, finding Gil's and stopping a moment before turning so that the palm was facing upwards, a request that he hoped would be filled, because it would hurt too much to have it rejected. "I figured something out last night, and this morning. I've woken up to a lot of mornings, a lot of them alone, some of them not. This, this is the best one I've ever had Gil. Even hungover this one blows all the rest of them so far out of the water I can't even compare them. That, that's worth more to me than anyone I've ever slept with, means more to me than any one night stand ever could. I'm not really sure what we did have last night, but I want more of it. More, more of you. If that makes any sense at all..."
* BurnoutGil 's first instinct is to curl his hand into a fist and pull back, to hide the thick, shiny whorls of burns scars across his palm that he normally keeps unseen under fingerless gloves, now lying useless on the counter. But if he can let Rod glimpse the wreckage of his ability to carry on normal human relationships, then he can let him see - feel - the physical scars too. So he slips his hand into Rod's open, waiting one, and lets the words trickle through him. "We. We had touch. And hugging and cuddling and falling asleep and waking up. And. We could do that again," he manages, wondering if this is too much, too late, if he's already torn himself up and just hasn't gotten the memo yet. But as long as it isn't sex, as long as it's weird and affectionate and unnamed and not romantic, then he doesn't have a claim. And as long as he doesn't have a claim, then it won't count as leaving him whenever Rod does go after someone else because people don't just change because you want them too. But if Rod wants Gil around, then. He can be there. He even cooks.
* Rodstein feels the thick scars on Gil's palm and almost flip it over right then to investigate, wondering what in the world could have made them. But he doesn't, he simply takes what's offered, covering up Gil's hand with his own. "I'd love to have that again" he says quietly, and he did mean everything he said, he wants to change, he realizes how much his sleeping around must bother Gil now so he doesn't want to, but he knows the old urges will still be there, no matter what he promises. Quick fixes and easy thrills, fast ways to feel good, to feel better about himself, even if the crash after is as bad as any drug he's ever tried. "I want to have you around Gil. For as long as you'll stay." And he brings the captive hand up to his lips and lays a soft kiss on one knuckle, a small, quiet smile spreading across his face.
* BurnoutGil shivers a little at that, at the undefined but undeniable intimacy of it, at the sincerity in Rod's smile when he glances up. He doesn't say 'then I'm here,' even though it's on the tip of his tongue, the weak, treacherous thing. Because promising to stay until Rod doesn't want him around anymore is just another way of waiting for him to leave, even if BurnoutGil would technically be the one leaving. Again. But this isn't about that, it doesn't have to be. It can be about the warmth of Rod's body in his arms and kisses far past friendly but not quite threateningly amatory and truths stuttering between them like a baby bird stretching fragile wings for the first time. He smiles back, letting all that hope and want fill him up as he answers, and the lightness of his words isn't flippant, but buoyant and bright. "We'll do this again, then. Next time I'll bring chocolate chips and blueberries, show you how spectacular waffles can really be."
* Rodstein kind of feels like he couldn't stop smiling right now if he wanted to, and the hangover might as well not even exist. It was kind of funny, being given something you didn't even realize how badly you needed until it was staring you in the face. But for once in his life maybe he hadn't fucked things up, though it had probably been a pretty close thing. He could still screw it up, could still damage this because of a mistake, but he isn't going to think about it right now, he can't. He gets up instead, going around his tiny kitchen table until he's standing next to Gil, touching his face softly and smiling down at him. "I'd really like that. And I can fix lunch, and maybe, maybe we can both do dinner."
* BurnoutGil leans slightly into the touch, blushing a little, because when the focal point of one's stalkerly fixation was half an hour a day of piano practice, one couldn't help thinking a lot about hands. "Sure. We could do that sometime." And then, because he can, he takes hold of that hand, his scars pressed against the underside of Rod's wrist as the fingers of his other hand stroke lightly over the metacarpals. "Do you still play?" he asks, his grin a little wry, acknowledging how silly he probably seems, how borderline creepy the question would be, under any other circumstances. But not this morning - now, it's just him being a little nostalgic and silly.
* Rodstein shivers a bit at the hand moving softly against his, Gilbert's rough where his were always soft. He nods, but there's a bit of a shrug at the end and he sounds almost ashamed when he admits "Not, not as much as I used to, I'm sure I'm horribly out of practice." As much as he could ever really be, and for the first time in the last few years he really misses playing, just the way he used to, for himself or for an audience of one or two, with no pressure other than the joy of the music itself. He bites his lip one more time and tilts his head a little "Did you want to hear me play something?"
* BurnoutGil keeps holding Rod's wrist, his fingertips brushing over the knuckles. "I'd like to, sometime. It doesn't matter what really, or if you're out of practice. I listened to you play the same four measures 78 times in a row once."
* Rodstein blinks "You actually counted?" He thinks he remembers what Gil is talking about, but even he doesn't remember how many times he had played that one bit over and over again, straining to get everything perfect. It had been Lizst, he remembers that much. One of his dreadfully complicated pieces. He's not sure if the revelation should creep him out, and it does a little, but he's weighing that against everything else offered and he can't turn it down. "You know, I wasn't offering for some nebulous date in the future." Someday turned all too easily into Never, and then where would they be?
* BurnoutGil grins ruefully. "Twice at each metronome speed, and if you messed up, you had to slow it down a notch and do it three times in a row perfect before you could move back up. It was like a demented video game, I couldn't help keeping track of your score." He let go of Rod's hand, moving to put their dishes in the sink. "I did tell you I was insane," he reminded him. "I can't do lunch, since some of us actually have to work, but we could do dinner tonight?"
* Rodstein shakes his head and chuckles, putting up the whipped cream and getting the last few things up. He puts them up while Gil is still at the sink and then does what he had wanted to do before, stand behind him and wrap his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder and just holding him close. "Dinner sounds wonderful. What should I fix? Since you'll be working oh manly one."
* BurnoutGil lets his arm settle over Rod's arm at his waist, cherishing the gesture. "Waffles were my idea, you pick this time. But." He bites his lip for a moment, then says it anyway, because even if it's a little sappy, it really doesn't register on the scale of things he's admitted so far today. "You said we could make dinner together. I want to do that."
* Rodstein kisses the side of Gil's neck, because it's there and he wants to and right now he doesn't need another reason. "Alright, we can do that. But I'll make dessert. Do you want me to wear the pink apron or the one with red hearts all over it?" He nuzzles his neck, and then the crook of his shoulder, memorizing Gil's smell and how his skin feels under his lips.
* BurnoutGil hums happily, enjoying the little tendrils of sensuality that aren't quite enough to start him freaking out. "Oh, the pink one, definitely."
* Rodstein chuckles and since he hasn't been told to stop continues with the kisses "Pink it is then. What time do you have to leave for work?" Because yes, it was important when he would get home, but right now Rod cared more about how much longer he could keep a hold of Gil.
* BurnoutGil checks the wall clock and groans a little. "Given that I really have to stop by the house and get clean clothes on? In about 15 minutes."
* Rodstein whines, really not wanting to let him go and knowing that he has to. "When do you get off?" He asked quietly, pressing his lips to Gil's pulse point on his throat.
* BurnoutGil shivers. Doesn't want to go either, and when his voice is low and a little croaky when he tells him
* Rodstein nuzzles his neck, and his own voice is quiet, he hopes he isn't asking too much, he's not used to this Gil that isn't trying to hurt him. "May I have a kiss before you go? Please?" Because otherwise he was going to be thinking about it all day, which could result in Gil being tackle kissed when he walked in the door that night.
* BurnoutGil tries to tell himself it isn't too much. They're wrapped up in each other, there have been kisses on both sides, sweet and sensual and absolutely not what Rod is asking for and it's absolutely too much. "I. I. Rod, I." He stammers and squeezes his eyes shut, suddenly stiff in Rod's arms, and he has to grind out the fucked up logic behind it because Rod deserves that much, doesn't he? "If you kiss me then I have a right to be jealous. And once I have a right then if this all goes to hell I will never be able to forgive you and I couldn't stand that. As long as I don't have the right, then. Then. I'm not asking you to change, and we'll still be okay if you don't."
* Rodstein feels Gil stiffen in his arms, feels that carefully wrought mood come so close to completely falling apart and he knows he's asked too much. He listens to the logic behind why he can't have this and as much as it makes sense in that specially insane way of Gil's he wants to tear his hair out in frustration. He holds onto Gil tightly, holding him close as he tries to figure out the words to say, he's so good when he doesn't care about the person he's with, but now that he needs his carefully cultivated eloquence it's failing him. "Gil, Gil, Gil" he whispers, almost a mantra as he holds him close. "I'm not made of stone, but I don't want to screw this up." Because he knows better when he hears that Gil has no claim that all he means is that he wishes he had one, and that he's going to hate the thought of Roderich being with other guys, even for something as simple as a kiss. And as little as Roderich has ever cared for people who were jealous, right now it's the most important thing ever. "It, it makes sense yes. I can understand, even sympathize, but God Gil I don't want to do something that upsets you, but if you aren't going to even let me kiss then there is going to be a problem. I need that Gil. And I want it from you, more than anything else. I don't want to crave it so much that I stop caring where I get it." And it would happen, he knew it would, but he wanted Gil, not that. Not anymore.
* BurnoutGil tries to focus on Rod's arms around him, his own fingers digging into them around his waist. "I told you," he growled, through gritted teeth. "I don't expect to change you overnight. You can fuck anyone else you want. And I'll hate it, yes, but I won't hate you."
* Rodstein can feel the fingers dig into his arm and he winces a little but he doesn't move them. He lets his forehead rest against Gil's back and just nods, wondering how in the world he was supposed to quit and change his behavior while being allowed to indulge. "Just... I just don't want to do that to you. Sorry."
* BurnoutGil bit the inside of his cheek hard, copper-salt blood flooding the traces of waffles and cream. He realized how hard he was gripping Rod's arm and let go, unable to resist stroking the abused skin gently, in apology or comfort or. Something. "Look, I. I know I'm fucking unreasonable, okay?" he muttered. "But you. You don't actually care about me, okay? I’m just the first person who hasn’t been too blinded by your sexy, sparkly fag self to actually care about you in so long that you’re all bowled over, but. You don’t care about me, you care about having a teddy bear to cuddle. And maybe if we keep this up you will care about me, but I’m not going to make you submit to my crazy unreasonable expectations until you do.”
* Rodstein winces, because that hurts, but part of it's true, and he can't decide if the finger marks on his arm or the words hurt more right now. He was screwing it up again. He couldn't even be with someone who was crazy without screwing things up. "Sorry." Is all he can really say again and he lets go of Gil, touching his back and putting a smile in his voice and on his face "You should go soon, you don't want to be late 'cause of me hm?"
* BurnoutGil turns to face him for the first time since things started falling apart, and that so-called smile hurts. "I. God, I'm sorry. I." And he really does have to go but he can't leave like this so he throws sense to the winds and just grabs Rod in a tight hug. "I'm still coming back," he mutters against Rod's ear. "Even if you lock me out I'm coming back and I'll just regress to being creepy at you from a distance but I'm coming here after work and if you can deal with me being FUBAR in the head, then I still want to make that dinner." And he kisses Rod's forehead in place of a goodbye.
* Rodstein hugs Gil back just as tightly, not really wanting to let go and a little surprised that Gil still wanted to hug him. But he does and Roderich nods from where his face is buried in Gil's neck. "I won't lock the door. And I'll have all the stuff waiting for us to make dinner." God he wants more than that, but he can't ask for that and he won't, so he just smiles again, a little less fake then the last one and lets him go.
* BurnoutGil is so fucking relieved and he sighs low and smiles as best he can, and it's crooked and nervous but but it's what he's got. "Awesome," he breathes, and his forehead tips forward to rest against Rod's for another second, close-but-not-too-close, and then he turns and heads for the door.
* Rodstein nearly pushes forward to kiss him, but reins himself in enough to just smile, following him to the door and saying goodbye one last time before he closes it behind him with a long, long sigh. "What the hell am I getting into..."
* BurnoutGil is distracted all day and gets horribly teased by the rest of his work crew about getting some last night, which of course makes it all THAT MUCH WORSE.
* BurnoutGil can't stop stupid smiling, tho. :\
* BurnoutGil wonders what Rodstein is up to. And whether he really won't come to his senses and lock Gil out. And what he's decided on for dinner.
* BurnoutGil wonders if he actually has the heart to keep stalking Rod if he locks him out after everything they admitted to each other this morning.
* Rodstein goes shopping for dinner and then comes back and scrubs the fuck out of his apartment, cleaning with an almost manic edge and smoking through an entire pack of cigarettes. But finally everything is done to his satisfaction and he smiles, taking off his cleaning clothes and putting on something nicer. And his pink apron. And makes sure that the door is unlocked.
* BurnoutGil wonders if he has a choice. Thinks probably not, and doesn't care if that's a way of avoiding responsibility for his (freakish, creeptastic) actions.
* BurnoutGil gets off work and runs back to Dad's house to shower and change into nothing TOO nice, because fun cooking is usually messy, but old comfy clothes he looks decent in. And grabs a toothbrush just in case.
* BurnoutGil knocks?
* Rodstein comes over to the door and opens it for him with a smile, taking his hand and pulling him inside to give him a hug. Because damn it, he can't kiss him, but a guy has to take what he can get. "Missed you."
* BurnoutGil hugs him back tight and doesn't say anything about it only being a day, because he totally missed Rod too.
* BurnoutGil brushes Rod's hair as if to get it out of his face even though it doesn't really need it.
* Rodstein pushes the door shut and takes Gil's hand to bring him into the kitchen. There's a couple of candles burning on the counter and it smells very nice in here. "So, did you have a good day at work?"
* BurnoutGil laughs dryly. "I couldn't concentrate enough to twiddle my thumbs properly. It was fucking embarrassing."
* BurnoutGil is still doing the stupid smile, though. =3
* Rodstein has a version of the stupid smile on his face too, so that's okay. "Really? You should do something about that distraction, it's not a good thing to be distracted from your work after all."
* BurnoutGil makes a Serious Thinky Face. "Hmmm. No, I think I'm keeping my distraction. Guy has to have his priorities."
* Rodstein chuckles and squeezes his hand. "Are you ready for some dinner? I got Chilean Sea Bass, some vegetables I was going to steam with a sauce and I thought maybe some potatoes for a starch. Does that sound good?"
* BurnoutGil oh handholding that's nice. Squeezes back. "Sounds lovely and decadent. Isn't that endangered?" Gil sounds very okay with it, though.
* Rodstein shakes his head "Not anymore, it's recovered enough that they put it back on the market, and it's delicious. And pretty easy to fix actually." The bass is already cleaned and filleted and everything on a tray that Rod pulls out of the fridge and he shows Gil what they're going to do to fix it, and lets him fix his own while he gets the veggies ready.
* BurnoutGil grins and whistles. "Sweet." Easy and delicious and still sort of flagrantly indulgent. It's the sort of thing Mom would have served at a dinner party, and he smiles like an idiot as he juices lemons and chops garlic and grates ginger for the marinade.
* Rodstein smiles and gets the potatoes out, since he had already started on them and it's just a matter of heating them up while the veggies steam.
* BurnoutGil pours sauce over the bass and sets it to steam too, drizzling the extra over the cooking vegetables.
* Rodstein sticks a finger in the sauce and tastes it, nodding and humming with a smile. "Just right." He gets out a wineglass from the cabinet and a bottle of some nice wine. "Would you like a glass Gil? We have a little time before the food is ready. "
* BurnoutGil thinks a nice glass of wine would be lovely, thank you.
* Rodstein pours him a glass and hand it over. Sneaksinalittlekissonthecheek "There you go."
* BurnoutGil smiles and sips his wine. "It's alright, just. Not on the mouth." He paused for a second, then added, "And if you make a Pretty Woman crack, the next time you pass out drunk, I will shave your head."
* BurnoutGil DIRE THREAT IS DIRE
* Rodstein shakes his hand and chuckles "Don't worry, I won't. I like my hair, thank you very much." SRS FACE. "And I don't think you'd like to see my head all shaved anyway."
* BurnoutGil diabolical smile. "I'd get you lots of adorkable hats."
* Rodstein pouts "I'd just have to wear wigs until it grew back in. And adorkable hats."
* BurnoutGil still >D mode. "It's a great plan! And I could add your hair to the shrine with your gloves and scraps of old sheet music and used metronome batteries you threw out."
* BurnoutGil >B}
* Rodstein raises an eyebrow and takes an oh so casual sip of wine "I wondered what happened to those. You'll probably want to keep the hair in a bag, less dusty that way."
* BurnoutGil sticks his tongue out playfully. "If you were drunk enough, I could do your hair in little braids before I cut it off. Easier to handle."
So, are my old handkerchiefs in this little shrine, or did I actually lose those?
Ew.
XD
* Rodstein rolls his eyes "They weren't sneezed in you know. Practically new and they even had my initials on them." Sighs and leans against Gil "I got in so much trouble from mother and father for losing them."
* BurnoutGil holds up the hand without the wine glass in a vaguely scouts' honor-esque position. "I'm innocent of that one, I swear. If I /had/ taken them, I'd have taunted you about it at the time."
* Rodstein snorts "Or maybe I just have a second, more subtle stalker."
* BurnoutGil oops guilty expression. "Oh, yes. Forgot to mention. His skull is also in the shrine. Mm, must have missed where he stashed the hankies though."
* BurnoutGil >8 "It's too bad, too. Monogrammed things are stalker gold."
* BurnoutGil keeps the batteries in the skull XD
* Rodstein shakes his head sadly "I hope you were the cuter one of the two at least." Nudges him teasingly and gives him another kiss on the cheek. "Do I need to get some more monogrammed things for you to steal? or do I just give them to you now?"
* BurnoutGil rolls his eyes. "Pffft, shyeah. He totally looked like a creep." He sets his wine on the counter and moves closer, a hand on the small of Rod's back to pull them closer together, his other hand combing through Rod's much threatened hair. "But I don't have to stalk you anymore, do I?" he asked softly. "I'm just. Here."
* Rodstein wraps his arms around Gil's neck and doesn't resist getting pulled closer to him, leaning his head into the touch in his hair. "Not unless you really feel like it or something. But I'd rather you not break your neck falling out of my tree."
Pre-log: There was a party at Roderich's house, he got drunk and ended up cuddling in not!drunk Gil's lap. He gets up to do something after the last person who is not Gil leaves. And then our story starts.
* Roderich ho hum, sits over here and debates getting another drink. Wonders where BurnoutGil wandered off to.
* BurnoutGil probably still cuddling you, unless you got off him to go throw up?
* Roderich noooo, didn't need to do that. Was only getting another drink if you had wandered off. Then he would throw up, but it wouldn't matter because everyone would be gone.
* Roderich probably just turned the A/C on or something.
* BurnoutGil is here and cuddles. :|
* Rodstein still kissing and nibbling, and the kisses are moving from Gil's neck to his jaw and slowly over to his mouth, almost like a cautious animal testing the waters.
* BurnoutGil turns his face away so you only get his cheek, and his hand is totally not shaking at all as he keeps petting your back because god this is nice and you're so pretty and /Rod/ but he can't let this happen he can't.
* Rodstein blinks, he's not so drunk he can't tell a rejection when he gets one so he kisses again, this time angling his way back toward his jaw and the lobe of his ear, when he manages to get there he only whispers a single word "Please" because it's happening again, everyone's leaving, and he doesn't want Gil to leave, doesn't want to be alone again.
* BurnoutGil hugs Rod close, arms tight around his waist, shakes his head just a little bit and then burying his face in Rod's neck, because god he wants to give you what you want, he does, but he wants to hold you forever and it would just be another fling for you and he already knows he'd never forgive you and he doesn't want to lose you like that.
* Rodstein doesn't get why Gil keeps telling him no, he keeps reading all the signals right, he should have a degree in that really for all the time he's spent studying it, and then Gil just stops and says no. He holds onto Gil like a liferaft right now, and maybe it's because he's the one here and he stayed, or maybe it's more than that, he's just drunk enough that he can't pull the feelings apart and look at them. "Then just stay. Please." Maybe he can just give him that, just make sure that he's not alone, that he's not cold and lonely, he hates that. Hates being alone.
* BurnoutGil kisses Rod's hair and keeps hugging him and god yes he's allowed to stay even if that's all, that's all that can possibly happen but just that is enough for Gil to be grateful for. "Of course I will. You can't get rid of me that easily. I followed you all the way across town, remember?"
* Rodstein nods, holding him close and curling up into a ball on his lap, half-drunk glass sitting on a nearby counter. "I remember. Don want t' get rid of you" he mutters into his hair. It comforts him that Gil will stay, and somehow, wrapped up in the arms of his former tormentor he feels safer than he has in quite a long time.
* BurnoutGil holds him and strokes his back and rocks them back and forth a little, crooning bits of German songs he doesn't remember the meanings of. "I won't let you," he promises, because that's what it all comes down to, really. He could give in and kiss Rod and probably a hell of a lot more and it would probably be fantastic but it would also be the fastest way to not being able to stand being in the same room with him again without getting eaten alive by jealousy and bitterness and he will not let Rod get rid of him.
* Rodstein smiles, even if he only sort of believes Gil right now. He's been left by a lot of people, and when it looks like they were about to leave, done his fair share of leaving. So while he wants to think that Gil means something longer than a week or two, or a month, or even longer than that, he's not holding out any hope. Because as much as it hurts to have an empty bed in the morning, it hurts a hell of a lot more when you didn't think it was going to be empty. He wants more reassurances, but he doesn't know how to ask for them in any other way but his body, and Gil has quite rejected that. So he just has to trust that Gil is serious and that when he gets up, he will be there.
* BurnoutGil presses a dry, light kiss against Rod's temple before picking him up bridal-style, giving a little rueful chuckle as he realizes he doesn't know which room is Rod's. "Where to?"
* Rodstein giggles and wraps his arms around Gil's neck, nuzzling under his jaw. "My room's at the end of the hallway, on the right." He sighs, getting comfortable in Gil's arms, even though they're close to the same size.
* BurnoutGil grins and carries him there, nudging the door open with his foot and laying Rod down on the bed, crouching to tug off Rod's shoes.
* Rodstein stretched once he lays down and giggles. "So sweet to me~"
* BurnoutGil mutters and huffs and has no good answer to that, really. He kicks off his own shoes and crawls in next to Rod, spooning up behind him and tugging the covers over them.
* Rodstein smiles and cuddles, wiggling a bit more than he intended to honest, in an effort to get comfortable. If Gil's arm is not draped over his waist then it will be soon, and his arm over it, with their fingers laced together. Sorry, this is mine for the night. Once he's nice and comfy he sighs contently. "Thank you. For staying." And please don't be gone in the morning, is the unspoken end to that sentence, but he doesn't have the courage to say it.
* BurnoutGil noses the nape of Rod's neck and squeezes their intertwined hands just a little relishing the warm closeness, the perfect way they fit together, even the scent of your girly shampoo. Gil knows that if he was just one more crayon short of the box set, he'd make a terrifyingly good stalker, but you are so. So strange and impossible to deal with and just as wonderful as you were the day he first started tormenting you, because he couldn't stand being that stricken with a beautiful type A music nerd he didn't even know. So he's walked the line so far and he has you for this, for now, and it's wonderful.
* Rodstein can't keep from giggling when he feels that nose press into the back of his neck and feels Gil's fingers squeeze his. It just feels so perfect right now, just like it always does right after. But they hadn't done anything for there to be a right after. No, he was getting this closeness just because, he had someone in his bed because they wanted to spend time with him, not because he was good looking or he had a nice ass or because he could do that thing with his mouth. He had recently come to a revelation (deep at the bottom of a bottle, where most of these revelations dwell) that he was really a type of whore. Not for money or presents, but just for this. For company, for someone to hold him as he fell asleep and to be there when he woke in the morning. . And he got it sometimes, some pale sort of imitation of what he wanted, because in the end they didn't really care too much about him. That he was getting what he craved without having to "pay" was something he hadn't encountered in far too long. Maybe Gil would have changed his mind by morning, maybe he would want something he claimed he hadn't tonight, or maybe he would just be gone. But right now Roderich had him here, he was being held and cared for and he was not alone. And really, he thought as sleep finally wrapped him in its own embrace, really, right now that was all that mattered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
* BurnoutGil wakes up still wrapped around Rod, their clothes wrinkled and rumpled with sleep and, fortunately, nothing else, even if Gil couldn't quite suppress a little pang of - not regret, not that, but maybe futile wistfulness. Still, he was content and comfortable and he snuggled against the man in his arms, enjoying the lazy morning loveliness of it all.
* Rodstein wakes up much later, his head pounding and his mouth feeling as though several small fuzzy animals had recently died in it. Long time veteran of many a morning like this, he almost didn't recognize the arm wrapped around him or the warm body held close to his. Well, that was different. He still felt horrible, a fact expressed when he rolled over and groaned loudly in pain. Oh god, why was the sun so fucking bright?? "Uuuurrgh" was all he could manage, his stomach and head protesting last night's treatment too much for him to get any closer.
* BurnoutGil tried and failed not to be at least a little amused by Rod's inevitable suffering. Old habits die hard, or something like that. Still, he didn't have to be a dick about it. He pressed a gentle, feather-light kiss on the back of Rod's neck, carefully disentangling them as he murmured softly, "I'll get you a glass of water, okay?"
* Rodstein nodded, infinitely grateful that he wouldn't have to be the one to drag his sorry carcass to the kitchen and get the water he needed. "Thanks" he managed before remembering "bathroom cab'net, purple pill bottle, two please." He was pretty sure he couldn't manage any more speech right now, not until he felt more human than nausea and pain in a human mold anyway.
* BurnoutGil fetched him a glass of water and the pills he asked for, pulling the drapes closed as he went. He slid an arm under Rod's back and helped him sit up enough to drink the water, stroking his hair a little after handing the glass and pills over.
* Rodstein took the pills and rinsed them down with the entire glass of water, giving Gil as grateful a smile as he could manage before they kicked in. He reached up and hugged him around the neck, the relief that he was here because he wanted to be made him feel better. "Thanks Gil. A lot."
* BurnoutGil hugged him gingerly back, mindful of how miserable Rod must be. "Yeah, of course." Part of him felt terribly nervous all of a sudden, worried that once Rod sobered up, he'd be mad at Gil for turning him down. As soon as he articulated that thought consciously, though, he laughed harshly at himself. Rod slept around with whoever he liked, and if Gil was too screwed up to handle him, then he'd just find somebody else. Thinking Rod actually wanted him enough to be angry with him was - wishful hubris, at best. "You want me to go get started on waffles while you work on feeling human again?"
* Rodstein smiled weakly and nodded "That would be awesome" he said, using Gil's old word for describing... well everything. "You're a lifesaver, really." It was funny how different last night looked in the unforgiving light of a hungover morning. He had been an idiot, getting drunk and throwing himself at Gil like that. He'd obviously only been humoring him. He might like him as a friend, but really, why was he surprised he had turned down a slut? It was a good thing Gil still had standards at least.
* BurnoutGil grinned widely. Waffles were always awesome, and his were the awesomest. Still he kept on sitting in the bed (Rod's Bed) for a while longer, lingering with his arms around Rod for as long as he could reasonably get away with before a drawn-out hug started to turn into clinging. He kissed Rod's temple again, just in case he didn't get another chance, then made his way down to the kitchen to start mixing waffle batter.
* Rodstein gingerly laid back down on the bed, closing his eyes to shut out the light that managed to get past his curtains. He would have to apologize to Gil about last night, for making a fool of himself. At least he wasn't angry about it, so maybe they could still be friends, and Roderich would just have to be more careful when he drank. There were others, he told himself, but even then he knew it was a lie and a truth. Yes, there were more, maybe even more that wouldn't treat him like a slut to bed, but none of them were Gil. And suddenly, that mattered. A lot. A few moments later and his headache had cleared enough that he felt he could brave the walk to the kitchen. Besides, there were some really great smells making their way to his bedroom. He picked up his old blue bathrobe, the one he never wore for company, and pulled it on, shuffling down the hallway until he emerged in the kitchen. He smiled and leaned in the doorway. "I thought the waffles were just going to be awesome, this smells like you were aiming for heavenly."
* BurnoutGil grinned and scrubbed a hand through his sleep-mussed hair. "Well, since they're my waffles, they're super extra awesome." Gil set the first couple of waffles on a plate and set it on the table before moving back to the waffle iron. "If you have any fruit or whipped cream or anything, things could get angelic pretty quick, though."
"I think I have some whipped cream" he peered in his refrigerator, pulling out a couple of the aerosol cans of whipped cream. "Do we want original, chocolate or extra creamy?" He ended up just putting all three down on the counter, reaching inside to get some orange juice for himself to drink. He wasn't stupid enough to try for more alcohol to cure a hangover after all.
* BurnoutGil decided, under the circumstances, to spare Rodstein his usual diatribe on chocolate whipped cream, and how it was a travesty that ruined not one but two otherwise totally awesome things. But only because he was hungover and probably wouldn't listen. "Extra creamy for me," he said instead, pulling the next waffle steaming faintly from the iron and pouring the next bit of batter.
* Rodstein kept out the extra creamy, putting the other two back. The chocolate had been bought on a whim and he hadn't really ended up liking it, but he didn't want to throw it away because damn it, he had spent money on that. He got out the silverware and put it on the table and then poured himself a cup of juice. "What do you want to drink Gil?" He knew he was avoiding his apology, but damn it, this was so nice, so perfect, he didn't want to ruin it with that. Didn't want to screw this up by bringing attention to his flaws.
* BurnoutGil quietly tapped a little improvised percussion on the counter with his tongs, waiting for the next waffle to be done. "Oh, juice is fine, thanks," he told Rod, his shoulders moving back and forth a little, almost as if he were dancing in place to the simple rhythm, letting the happiness of the moment and the smell of waffles and the glint of morning sunlight on Rod's cheekbones drive out how much he wanted not to ever go back to the place he only half called home anymore.
* Rodstein nodded, pouring him a glass of juice and putting that on the table next to the other place that was set, only waiting for a plate of waffles before it was complete. The table set, there was really nothing else he could do, and he resisted the urge to go up behind Gil and wrap his arms around his waist and kiss the back of his neck, right where pale hair met pale skin. No, he wouldn't like that would he? He didn't want someone like him. He stood in silence, just watching Gil move to the tapping of his tongs, wishing he could see the muscles hidden by his sleep rumpled shirt. That was another thought that got shoved away ruthlessly. No. Down boy. The waffles would be done soon, but right now all he was doing was delaying, standing next to the table until everything was ready. Letting himself believe that this was for more than one morning.
* BurnoutGil put the last one on another plate and switched off the iron, bringing the second set of waffles over, mouth watering as he sat. "You can sit, you know, it's your table," he teased mildly before slathering his waffles in whipped cream and digging in.
* Rodstein started a bit and then smiled, almost sheepishly as he sat down, pushing his hair out of his eyes before squirting a heaping pile of whipped cream on his waffles. "Yeah, I guess it is, isn't it. This really does smell great." And then he took a bite and almost melted in his seat. He almost had to physically restrain himself from just stuffing his face full of the fluffy, crispy creations. "Oh god Gil, these are.... these are amazing." And with the whipped cream on top he was sure he was going to die from some sort of good food overload. As it was he simply kept eating the delicious food, a smile of pure bliss on his face.
* BurnoutGil beamed at the obvious enjoyment as much as the compliment, since that was always the real measure of good food in his opinion, though he shrugged it off after gulping down a mouthful of his own. "Yeah, well, Dad's all traditional and deliberately hopeless at 'women's work', so...I learned how to cook stuff I liked."
* Rodstein snorted, deciding that the waffles were more important than his comment on Gil's father. He did swallow and shrug though "You could have just lived off instant noodles and microwave pizza." Not that this was something Roderich would ever have considered. Really, in his opinion you might as well eat the packaging for all the good flavors you got. "I'd rather have someone around who was an excellent cook than some meat-brained manly man anyway" he said, giggling slightly.
* BurnoutGil chuckled too. "I guess I could have lived off the microwave, but. I like good food. And I couldn't let Lutz grow up like that, now could I?" He fell quiet for a minute, eating his waffles contemplatively. "Dad is. He could cook, you know. It's just a matter of following instructions, and he's not stupid. But cooking was Mom's thing, and I think for him it's still Mom's thing, and part of him just won't do it."
It occurs to Roderich that doesn't really know anyone without some sort of issues, linked to lots of different things. It almost made him wish he had gotten his degree in something to do with Human Behavior instead of Musical Theatre. But he just nods and eats his pancakes in silence until Gil is done. Family isn't something he likes talking about, he knows how much he disappointed his, and talking about them just brings all those old feelings back up. "Well, I'm sure Lutz is glad you were around to fix him all these tasty things" he smiled a little and went back to eating the waffles, almost wishing they could last forever, as much because they were delicious as because he knew that once they were gone he knew he would have to talk about last night.
* BurnoutGil laughs fondly. "Poor kid lived through my experiments, he earned a few good meals." He was a little amazed at how easy it was, telling Rod about Mom. Not that he'd actually said anything about /her/, but. He'd talked, like a sane person, even though Rod generally made him feel twice as crazy as he usually did. That was - that was kind of awesome, too.
* Rodstein smiles, eating the last of his waffles and feeling better than he had in years. He couldn't remember a morning this nice, he usually hated mornings with a passion, but this, this was nice and calm and everything he had heard mornings were supposed to be. He only wished he could have it every morning instead of this soap bubble dream of it. He would give a lot to have this every morning. But he couldn't. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for this. "Look Gil, about last night" he paused, but only for a moment, plunging on before he lost his nerve. "I'm sorry, about the way I behaved. I, I must have looked ridiculous like that, and you were just trying to keep me from p-pawing all over you. I, I lost control of myself, and I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'll keep better control of myself next time." The entire time his head was bowed, looking down at his plate and chasing little bits of whipped cream around with his fork. He didn't want to see what was in Gil's eyes. Mostly because he had no idea what it would be.
* BurnoutGil murmured, "You didn't," only realizing a moment later he might want to clarify. "Embarrass me. Or look ridiculous. It. It was. I was cuddling you in my lap, okay? It was a reasonable assumption. Maybe. Maybe even right from a certain point of view. But I can't go any farther than that, I can't, and when I said so. Well. Not that I said anything, but you know. Well I stopped. You stopped. So we're cool. I mean. I want us to be."
* Rodstein nodded, no small amount of relief flooding him, but at the same time he couldn't help but ask one more question, just to confirm what he already knew. "Can I, can I ask why? I mean is it because I... because I like to sleep around or is it something else?" His head came up and he looked at Gil, he was too tired and still too hungover to school his expression flat. His eyes were full of questions and hopes "Why" and "Love me" and "I love you" and most of all "please don't go."He wasn't really sure about the love bits, but everything about him told him that this was what it felt like.
* BurnoutGil stared, momentarily dumbstruck by Roderich's eyes because no matter how much Gil told himself he was just seeing what he wanted to see, those eyes kept right on looking at him the way he'd secretly hoped they might in his most privately hoarded dreams. "It's. It's. Look, it's a lot of things, okay?" His mouth was suddenly dry and he gulped down the last of his juice, trying to sort things out right. "It's sort of that you sleep around, but only in that I am a crazy bastard who's been just this side of rifling through your trash for years, and I am not capable of having a one night stand with you, okay? And that's what you do, and that's okay, because honestly one night stands are pretty much the only kind of sex I can have without freaking out and turning into a psychotic possessive asshat, but. I can't have one with you. Because I'm insane. So. So yeah." Gilbert stared at the table so he wouldn't have to meet those eyes, tracing woodgrain through the surface with an idle fingertip, wondering why the hell he'd said all that out loud, wondering how he'd even managed to get it out with another person in the room. But this was Rod, and not untouchable-perfectionist-middle-school Rod, or unreachable-lusting-after-everyone-else Rod, but someone else, someone he could hold all night who would compliment his waffles in the morning.
* Rodstein chewed on his lip for a long time, trying to get things out right and in the right order so that they made sense. His hand slid its way over the small kitchen table, finding Gil's and stopping a moment before turning so that the palm was facing upwards, a request that he hoped would be filled, because it would hurt too much to have it rejected. "I figured something out last night, and this morning. I've woken up to a lot of mornings, a lot of them alone, some of them not. This, this is the best one I've ever had Gil. Even hungover this one blows all the rest of them so far out of the water I can't even compare them. That, that's worth more to me than anyone I've ever slept with, means more to me than any one night stand ever could. I'm not really sure what we did have last night, but I want more of it. More, more of you. If that makes any sense at all..."
* BurnoutGil 's first instinct is to curl his hand into a fist and pull back, to hide the thick, shiny whorls of burns scars across his palm that he normally keeps unseen under fingerless gloves, now lying useless on the counter. But if he can let Rod glimpse the wreckage of his ability to carry on normal human relationships, then he can let him see - feel - the physical scars too. So he slips his hand into Rod's open, waiting one, and lets the words trickle through him. "We. We had touch. And hugging and cuddling and falling asleep and waking up. And. We could do that again," he manages, wondering if this is too much, too late, if he's already torn himself up and just hasn't gotten the memo yet. But as long as it isn't sex, as long as it's weird and affectionate and unnamed and not romantic, then he doesn't have a claim. And as long as he doesn't have a claim, then it won't count as leaving him whenever Rod does go after someone else because people don't just change because you want them too. But if Rod wants Gil around, then. He can be there. He even cooks.
* Rodstein feels the thick scars on Gil's palm and almost flip it over right then to investigate, wondering what in the world could have made them. But he doesn't, he simply takes what's offered, covering up Gil's hand with his own. "I'd love to have that again" he says quietly, and he did mean everything he said, he wants to change, he realizes how much his sleeping around must bother Gil now so he doesn't want to, but he knows the old urges will still be there, no matter what he promises. Quick fixes and easy thrills, fast ways to feel good, to feel better about himself, even if the crash after is as bad as any drug he's ever tried. "I want to have you around Gil. For as long as you'll stay." And he brings the captive hand up to his lips and lays a soft kiss on one knuckle, a small, quiet smile spreading across his face.
* BurnoutGil shivers a little at that, at the undefined but undeniable intimacy of it, at the sincerity in Rod's smile when he glances up. He doesn't say 'then I'm here,' even though it's on the tip of his tongue, the weak, treacherous thing. Because promising to stay until Rod doesn't want him around anymore is just another way of waiting for him to leave, even if BurnoutGil would technically be the one leaving. Again. But this isn't about that, it doesn't have to be. It can be about the warmth of Rod's body in his arms and kisses far past friendly but not quite threateningly amatory and truths stuttering between them like a baby bird stretching fragile wings for the first time. He smiles back, letting all that hope and want fill him up as he answers, and the lightness of his words isn't flippant, but buoyant and bright. "We'll do this again, then. Next time I'll bring chocolate chips and blueberries, show you how spectacular waffles can really be."
* Rodstein kind of feels like he couldn't stop smiling right now if he wanted to, and the hangover might as well not even exist. It was kind of funny, being given something you didn't even realize how badly you needed until it was staring you in the face. But for once in his life maybe he hadn't fucked things up, though it had probably been a pretty close thing. He could still screw it up, could still damage this because of a mistake, but he isn't going to think about it right now, he can't. He gets up instead, going around his tiny kitchen table until he's standing next to Gil, touching his face softly and smiling down at him. "I'd really like that. And I can fix lunch, and maybe, maybe we can both do dinner."
* BurnoutGil leans slightly into the touch, blushing a little, because when the focal point of one's stalkerly fixation was half an hour a day of piano practice, one couldn't help thinking a lot about hands. "Sure. We could do that sometime." And then, because he can, he takes hold of that hand, his scars pressed against the underside of Rod's wrist as the fingers of his other hand stroke lightly over the metacarpals. "Do you still play?" he asks, his grin a little wry, acknowledging how silly he probably seems, how borderline creepy the question would be, under any other circumstances. But not this morning - now, it's just him being a little nostalgic and silly.
* Rodstein shivers a bit at the hand moving softly against his, Gilbert's rough where his were always soft. He nods, but there's a bit of a shrug at the end and he sounds almost ashamed when he admits "Not, not as much as I used to, I'm sure I'm horribly out of practice." As much as he could ever really be, and for the first time in the last few years he really misses playing, just the way he used to, for himself or for an audience of one or two, with no pressure other than the joy of the music itself. He bites his lip one more time and tilts his head a little "Did you want to hear me play something?"
* BurnoutGil keeps holding Rod's wrist, his fingertips brushing over the knuckles. "I'd like to, sometime. It doesn't matter what really, or if you're out of practice. I listened to you play the same four measures 78 times in a row once."
* Rodstein blinks "You actually counted?" He thinks he remembers what Gil is talking about, but even he doesn't remember how many times he had played that one bit over and over again, straining to get everything perfect. It had been Lizst, he remembers that much. One of his dreadfully complicated pieces. He's not sure if the revelation should creep him out, and it does a little, but he's weighing that against everything else offered and he can't turn it down. "You know, I wasn't offering for some nebulous date in the future." Someday turned all too easily into Never, and then where would they be?
* BurnoutGil grins ruefully. "Twice at each metronome speed, and if you messed up, you had to slow it down a notch and do it three times in a row perfect before you could move back up. It was like a demented video game, I couldn't help keeping track of your score." He let go of Rod's hand, moving to put their dishes in the sink. "I did tell you I was insane," he reminded him. "I can't do lunch, since some of us actually have to work, but we could do dinner tonight?"
* Rodstein shakes his head and chuckles, putting up the whipped cream and getting the last few things up. He puts them up while Gil is still at the sink and then does what he had wanted to do before, stand behind him and wrap his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder and just holding him close. "Dinner sounds wonderful. What should I fix? Since you'll be working oh manly one."
* BurnoutGil lets his arm settle over Rod's arm at his waist, cherishing the gesture. "Waffles were my idea, you pick this time. But." He bites his lip for a moment, then says it anyway, because even if it's a little sappy, it really doesn't register on the scale of things he's admitted so far today. "You said we could make dinner together. I want to do that."
* Rodstein kisses the side of Gil's neck, because it's there and he wants to and right now he doesn't need another reason. "Alright, we can do that. But I'll make dessert. Do you want me to wear the pink apron or the one with red hearts all over it?" He nuzzles his neck, and then the crook of his shoulder, memorizing Gil's smell and how his skin feels under his lips.
* BurnoutGil hums happily, enjoying the little tendrils of sensuality that aren't quite enough to start him freaking out. "Oh, the pink one, definitely."
* Rodstein chuckles and since he hasn't been told to stop continues with the kisses "Pink it is then. What time do you have to leave for work?" Because yes, it was important when he would get home, but right now Rod cared more about how much longer he could keep a hold of Gil.
* BurnoutGil checks the wall clock and groans a little. "Given that I really have to stop by the house and get clean clothes on? In about 15 minutes."
* Rodstein whines, really not wanting to let him go and knowing that he has to. "When do you get off?" He asked quietly, pressing his lips to Gil's pulse point on his throat.
* BurnoutGil shivers. Doesn't want to go either, and when his voice is low and a little croaky when he tells him
* Rodstein nuzzles his neck, and his own voice is quiet, he hopes he isn't asking too much, he's not used to this Gil that isn't trying to hurt him. "May I have a kiss before you go? Please?" Because otherwise he was going to be thinking about it all day, which could result in Gil being tackle kissed when he walked in the door that night.
* BurnoutGil tries to tell himself it isn't too much. They're wrapped up in each other, there have been kisses on both sides, sweet and sensual and absolutely not what Rod is asking for and it's absolutely too much. "I. I. Rod, I." He stammers and squeezes his eyes shut, suddenly stiff in Rod's arms, and he has to grind out the fucked up logic behind it because Rod deserves that much, doesn't he? "If you kiss me then I have a right to be jealous. And once I have a right then if this all goes to hell I will never be able to forgive you and I couldn't stand that. As long as I don't have the right, then. Then. I'm not asking you to change, and we'll still be okay if you don't."
* Rodstein feels Gil stiffen in his arms, feels that carefully wrought mood come so close to completely falling apart and he knows he's asked too much. He listens to the logic behind why he can't have this and as much as it makes sense in that specially insane way of Gil's he wants to tear his hair out in frustration. He holds onto Gil tightly, holding him close as he tries to figure out the words to say, he's so good when he doesn't care about the person he's with, but now that he needs his carefully cultivated eloquence it's failing him. "Gil, Gil, Gil" he whispers, almost a mantra as he holds him close. "I'm not made of stone, but I don't want to screw this up." Because he knows better when he hears that Gil has no claim that all he means is that he wishes he had one, and that he's going to hate the thought of Roderich being with other guys, even for something as simple as a kiss. And as little as Roderich has ever cared for people who were jealous, right now it's the most important thing ever. "It, it makes sense yes. I can understand, even sympathize, but God Gil I don't want to do something that upsets you, but if you aren't going to even let me kiss then there is going to be a problem. I need that Gil. And I want it from you, more than anything else. I don't want to crave it so much that I stop caring where I get it." And it would happen, he knew it would, but he wanted Gil, not that. Not anymore.
* BurnoutGil tries to focus on Rod's arms around him, his own fingers digging into them around his waist. "I told you," he growled, through gritted teeth. "I don't expect to change you overnight. You can fuck anyone else you want. And I'll hate it, yes, but I won't hate you."
* Rodstein can feel the fingers dig into his arm and he winces a little but he doesn't move them. He lets his forehead rest against Gil's back and just nods, wondering how in the world he was supposed to quit and change his behavior while being allowed to indulge. "Just... I just don't want to do that to you. Sorry."
* BurnoutGil bit the inside of his cheek hard, copper-salt blood flooding the traces of waffles and cream. He realized how hard he was gripping Rod's arm and let go, unable to resist stroking the abused skin gently, in apology or comfort or. Something. "Look, I. I know I'm fucking unreasonable, okay?" he muttered. "But you. You don't actually care about me, okay? I’m just the first person who hasn’t been too blinded by your sexy, sparkly fag self to actually care about you in so long that you’re all bowled over, but. You don’t care about me, you care about having a teddy bear to cuddle. And maybe if we keep this up you will care about me, but I’m not going to make you submit to my crazy unreasonable expectations until you do.”
* Rodstein winces, because that hurts, but part of it's true, and he can't decide if the finger marks on his arm or the words hurt more right now. He was screwing it up again. He couldn't even be with someone who was crazy without screwing things up. "Sorry." Is all he can really say again and he lets go of Gil, touching his back and putting a smile in his voice and on his face "You should go soon, you don't want to be late 'cause of me hm?"
* BurnoutGil turns to face him for the first time since things started falling apart, and that so-called smile hurts. "I. God, I'm sorry. I." And he really does have to go but he can't leave like this so he throws sense to the winds and just grabs Rod in a tight hug. "I'm still coming back," he mutters against Rod's ear. "Even if you lock me out I'm coming back and I'll just regress to being creepy at you from a distance but I'm coming here after work and if you can deal with me being FUBAR in the head, then I still want to make that dinner." And he kisses Rod's forehead in place of a goodbye.
* Rodstein hugs Gil back just as tightly, not really wanting to let go and a little surprised that Gil still wanted to hug him. But he does and Roderich nods from where his face is buried in Gil's neck. "I won't lock the door. And I'll have all the stuff waiting for us to make dinner." God he wants more than that, but he can't ask for that and he won't, so he just smiles again, a little less fake then the last one and lets him go.
* BurnoutGil is so fucking relieved and he sighs low and smiles as best he can, and it's crooked and nervous but but it's what he's got. "Awesome," he breathes, and his forehead tips forward to rest against Rod's for another second, close-but-not-too-close, and then he turns and heads for the door.
* Rodstein nearly pushes forward to kiss him, but reins himself in enough to just smile, following him to the door and saying goodbye one last time before he closes it behind him with a long, long sigh. "What the hell am I getting into..."
* BurnoutGil is distracted all day and gets horribly teased by the rest of his work crew about getting some last night, which of course makes it all THAT MUCH WORSE.
* BurnoutGil can't stop stupid smiling, tho. :\
* BurnoutGil wonders what Rodstein is up to. And whether he really won't come to his senses and lock Gil out. And what he's decided on for dinner.
* BurnoutGil wonders if he actually has the heart to keep stalking Rod if he locks him out after everything they admitted to each other this morning.
* Rodstein goes shopping for dinner and then comes back and scrubs the fuck out of his apartment, cleaning with an almost manic edge and smoking through an entire pack of cigarettes. But finally everything is done to his satisfaction and he smiles, taking off his cleaning clothes and putting on something nicer. And his pink apron. And makes sure that the door is unlocked.
* BurnoutGil wonders if he has a choice. Thinks probably not, and doesn't care if that's a way of avoiding responsibility for his (freakish, creeptastic) actions.
* BurnoutGil gets off work and runs back to Dad's house to shower and change into nothing TOO nice, because fun cooking is usually messy, but old comfy clothes he looks decent in. And grabs a toothbrush just in case.
* BurnoutGil knocks?
* Rodstein comes over to the door and opens it for him with a smile, taking his hand and pulling him inside to give him a hug. Because damn it, he can't kiss him, but a guy has to take what he can get. "Missed you."
* BurnoutGil hugs him back tight and doesn't say anything about it only being a day, because he totally missed Rod too.
* BurnoutGil brushes Rod's hair as if to get it out of his face even though it doesn't really need it.
* Rodstein pushes the door shut and takes Gil's hand to bring him into the kitchen. There's a couple of candles burning on the counter and it smells very nice in here. "So, did you have a good day at work?"
* BurnoutGil laughs dryly. "I couldn't concentrate enough to twiddle my thumbs properly. It was fucking embarrassing."
* BurnoutGil is still doing the stupid smile, though. =3
* Rodstein has a version of the stupid smile on his face too, so that's okay. "Really? You should do something about that distraction, it's not a good thing to be distracted from your work after all."
* BurnoutGil makes a Serious Thinky Face. "Hmmm. No, I think I'm keeping my distraction. Guy has to have his priorities."
* Rodstein chuckles and squeezes his hand. "Are you ready for some dinner? I got Chilean Sea Bass, some vegetables I was going to steam with a sauce and I thought maybe some potatoes for a starch. Does that sound good?"
* BurnoutGil oh handholding that's nice. Squeezes back. "Sounds lovely and decadent. Isn't that endangered?" Gil sounds very okay with it, though.
* Rodstein shakes his head "Not anymore, it's recovered enough that they put it back on the market, and it's delicious. And pretty easy to fix actually." The bass is already cleaned and filleted and everything on a tray that Rod pulls out of the fridge and he shows Gil what they're going to do to fix it, and lets him fix his own while he gets the veggies ready.
* BurnoutGil grins and whistles. "Sweet." Easy and delicious and still sort of flagrantly indulgent. It's the sort of thing Mom would have served at a dinner party, and he smiles like an idiot as he juices lemons and chops garlic and grates ginger for the marinade.
* Rodstein smiles and gets the potatoes out, since he had already started on them and it's just a matter of heating them up while the veggies steam.
* BurnoutGil pours sauce over the bass and sets it to steam too, drizzling the extra over the cooking vegetables.
* Rodstein sticks a finger in the sauce and tastes it, nodding and humming with a smile. "Just right." He gets out a wineglass from the cabinet and a bottle of some nice wine. "Would you like a glass Gil? We have a little time before the food is ready. "
* BurnoutGil thinks a nice glass of wine would be lovely, thank you.
* Rodstein pours him a glass and hand it over. Sneaksinalittlekissonthecheek "There you go."
* BurnoutGil smiles and sips his wine. "It's alright, just. Not on the mouth." He paused for a second, then added, "And if you make a Pretty Woman crack, the next time you pass out drunk, I will shave your head."
* BurnoutGil DIRE THREAT IS DIRE
* Rodstein shakes his hand and chuckles "Don't worry, I won't. I like my hair, thank you very much." SRS FACE. "And I don't think you'd like to see my head all shaved anyway."
* BurnoutGil diabolical smile. "I'd get you lots of adorkable hats."
* Rodstein pouts "I'd just have to wear wigs until it grew back in. And adorkable hats."
* BurnoutGil still >D mode. "It's a great plan! And I could add your hair to the shrine with your gloves and scraps of old sheet music and used metronome batteries you threw out."
* BurnoutGil >B}
* Rodstein raises an eyebrow and takes an oh so casual sip of wine "I wondered what happened to those. You'll probably want to keep the hair in a bag, less dusty that way."
* BurnoutGil sticks his tongue out playfully. "If you were drunk enough, I could do your hair in little braids before I cut it off. Easier to handle."
So, are my old handkerchiefs in this little shrine, or did I actually lose those?
Ew.
XD
* Rodstein rolls his eyes "They weren't sneezed in you know. Practically new and they even had my initials on them." Sighs and leans against Gil "I got in so much trouble from mother and father for losing them."
* BurnoutGil holds up the hand without the wine glass in a vaguely scouts' honor-esque position. "I'm innocent of that one, I swear. If I /had/ taken them, I'd have taunted you about it at the time."
* Rodstein snorts "Or maybe I just have a second, more subtle stalker."
* BurnoutGil oops guilty expression. "Oh, yes. Forgot to mention. His skull is also in the shrine. Mm, must have missed where he stashed the hankies though."
* BurnoutGil >8 "It's too bad, too. Monogrammed things are stalker gold."
* BurnoutGil keeps the batteries in the skull XD
* Rodstein shakes his head sadly "I hope you were the cuter one of the two at least." Nudges him teasingly and gives him another kiss on the cheek. "Do I need to get some more monogrammed things for you to steal? or do I just give them to you now?"
* BurnoutGil rolls his eyes. "Pffft, shyeah. He totally looked like a creep." He sets his wine on the counter and moves closer, a hand on the small of Rod's back to pull them closer together, his other hand combing through Rod's much threatened hair. "But I don't have to stalk you anymore, do I?" he asked softly. "I'm just. Here."
* Rodstein wraps his arms around Gil's neck and doesn't resist getting pulled closer to him, leaning his head into the touch in his hair. "Not unless you really feel like it or something. But I'd rather you not break your neck falling out of my tree."