The ol' Attaboy
It's hard to think clearly when people are patting your back.
Following up on my Dog People rant (which I realize was not at all unlike a hundred Dog People rants I've posted before now, but hey..), I have received THREE off-list 'attaboy' E-mails from list members, thanking me for standing up during the most recent discussion. Yeesh.
The issue at hand is actually not the APRI nonsense from before. A 20-something owner of a rescued 12-year-old Kees wrote asking advice as to what she can do about an tough situation. She and her boyfriend are presumably pretty serious, marriage is the hoped-for outcome, and his mother has invited her to spend Christmas with his family. Problem is, her 12-year-old Kees is, by virtue of being 12 years old, rather old, and apparently the last time she left him with someone else he got sick and was miserable for weeks afterward... so she doesn't feel she can leave him. Boyfriend's Mom, though, is seriously dog-phobic and is begging her not to bring the dog anywhere near her. As in, nowhere on her property.
From the post, the girl has no other reason to dislike her prospective MIL. The woman is reputed to expect her children to mind their manners, but the girl seems to respect and like her, and she says the PMIL has always been accepting of her and good to her. Ergo: this is a standalone issue, not the PMIL's way of causing issues in response to other issues or something.
The list responded with predictable, Dog People maturity and grace. The list owner, for example, declared the PMIL to be a 'Mommie Dearest' and wanted to know why the girl would even want to spend time with a woman like that. Another poster said that the PMIL 'clearly had issues' and pointed out that marrying the son meant marrying the whole family, so she should run while she can. Yet another poster said the PMIL needed professional help, and not over a dog phobia. What kind of mother could she be if her grown children are so clearly afraid of her?
Uh.... I thought it was a GOOD THING when people used manners.. but okay.
There were two responses of ten that declined to declare the PMIL unfit in some way, though even these more or less suggested the girl take the 'Love me, Love my Dog' attitude and go someplace else for Christmas to make a point. The rest gleefully pounced on the opportunity to be contemptuous and nasty at the expense of a professed Dog Hater. Several of them advised driving the hard line, saying that if the PMIL 'wins out' this time, it'll be a problem for the rest of her life with this woman.
I should have kept my mouth shut, but no... I stepped up and threw my big fat two-cents'-worth into the ring. I pointed out that this wasn't a hypothetical situation, and that there's a lot more at stake here than just a win/lose for the Dog People. This woman is presumably going to be this girl's MIL at some point, which means that what happens here stands to have an effect on the rest of her life with respect to this woman. The PMIL does have a right to spend Christmas in her own home without fearing for her own safety, however irrational her fear might seem to the rest of us. Assuming she really is dog-phobic (and we have no concrete proof that she is not), then it makes sense that having a dog around on Christmas would be a serious problem.
I advised being respectful and just regretfully declining the invitation. If she cannot leave her dog with a trusted friend or a kennel, declining is pretty much her only option. I said that she should make absolutely sure her PMIL knows that she would love to come and appreciates the invitation, and that she is sad that she cannot go. That way, the ball is in the PMIL's court; she can either choose to make concessions for the dog that she can live with (i.e. suggest keeping him in the car or something) or deal with not having everyone together at Christmas. Such concessions need to be suggested by the Hostess in this case, though, not by the guest.
Either way, I said, taking the 'love me, love my dog' approach will just invite a lot of resentment and such that will cause a lot of problems down the line.
This did not make me popular. One woman, 'Pam' wrote to 'respectfully disagree', again declaring that this woman 'needed help'. I replied that I didn't think anyone on the list (save maybe the girl in question) was in a position to make such a declaration, and therefore saying such things was inappropriate.
The list owner contacted me off-list, telling me to stop. 'This is a nice list.' she said. 'You haven't been here long enough to get the flavor of the interaction here.'
I wrote back to her (also off-list) to ask how anyone could consider the list 'nice' under the present circumstances? The 'nice' list is ripping apart a woman they've never met, who isn't even on the list to defend herself. Apparently the definition of 'nice' in this case is 'nasty to anyone who doesn't feel as we do, but never disagreeing with each other'. That is not the definition of a 'nice list', in my opinion. That is the definition of a clique of mean high school girls.
She didn't reply. She did not remove me from the list, though. All the same, my self-righteous indignation was not enough to make this whole thing at all ENJOYABLE to me. I spent the two days this was going on in an agitated mess, which in hindsight seems really silly. I'm starting to be of the opinion that any online situation that leaves me rankled enough to be upset about it once I've logged off is probably worth avoiding in the future. Since the 'flavor' I was detecting was clearly not a pleasant one, it would certainly seem to be in my best interests to leave the list.
But then, in come the Attaboys. Three separate people wrote me off-list to pat me on the back and say 'Thank you!' One wrote, "Where did you come from, Jen? I had given up hope that anyone with an ounce of maturity would ever speak up here. The rest of us have learned our lesson long ago and tend to keep our mouths shut. Good for you for standing up to them!"
Everyone loves a fight, I guess. Nothing like a good Attaboy to instill one with a new sense of responsibility. Forget sanity, forget good sense. These people NEED me; without me, they have no voice! I MUST stay, and live to fight another day in the name of Not Being So Crazy About Dogs That I Forget That People Matter. *brandishes sword*
Eh. In other words: Someone is wrong on the internet. If I leave, they'll KEEP BEING WRONG.
I have, fortunately, managed to decline to read the rest of the thread, aside from the followup post from the girl who posted initially. She said that her PMIL's husband had talked her into allowing the dog to stay in the garage, in a crate, as long as the dog's presence was not brought to her attention in any way. The girl was asked to simply quietly disappear whenever the dog needed to be attended to, and beyond that the dog was not to be acknowledged, discussed or mentioned in her presence. Fair enough, problem solved.
Miraculously, they resolved it without my help OR that of Pam (although I pat myself on the back on the grounds that I was right: the PMIL made a concession, and all was well). The poor girl apparently didn't tell her PMIL that she needed to 'Love me, Love my Dog', though, so she will be 'dealing with issues' with this woman forever now, I suppose. Guess she can't say her friends on the list didn't warn her! ;)
I will never understand why it is that dogs, who generally love everyone, earn so many champions that are nasty to everyone. Does it just even out?
And if it does, does the fact that I prefer really snobby dogs mean I'm not a snob? ;) Hee hee.
Following up on my Dog People rant (which I realize was not at all unlike a hundred Dog People rants I've posted before now, but hey..), I have received THREE off-list 'attaboy' E-mails from list members, thanking me for standing up during the most recent discussion. Yeesh.
The issue at hand is actually not the APRI nonsense from before. A 20-something owner of a rescued 12-year-old Kees wrote asking advice as to what she can do about an tough situation. She and her boyfriend are presumably pretty serious, marriage is the hoped-for outcome, and his mother has invited her to spend Christmas with his family. Problem is, her 12-year-old Kees is, by virtue of being 12 years old, rather old, and apparently the last time she left him with someone else he got sick and was miserable for weeks afterward... so she doesn't feel she can leave him. Boyfriend's Mom, though, is seriously dog-phobic and is begging her not to bring the dog anywhere near her. As in, nowhere on her property.
From the post, the girl has no other reason to dislike her prospective MIL. The woman is reputed to expect her children to mind their manners, but the girl seems to respect and like her, and she says the PMIL has always been accepting of her and good to her. Ergo: this is a standalone issue, not the PMIL's way of causing issues in response to other issues or something.
The list responded with predictable, Dog People maturity and grace. The list owner, for example, declared the PMIL to be a 'Mommie Dearest' and wanted to know why the girl would even want to spend time with a woman like that. Another poster said that the PMIL 'clearly had issues' and pointed out that marrying the son meant marrying the whole family, so she should run while she can. Yet another poster said the PMIL needed professional help, and not over a dog phobia. What kind of mother could she be if her grown children are so clearly afraid of her?
Uh.... I thought it was a GOOD THING when people used manners.. but okay.
There were two responses of ten that declined to declare the PMIL unfit in some way, though even these more or less suggested the girl take the 'Love me, Love my Dog' attitude and go someplace else for Christmas to make a point. The rest gleefully pounced on the opportunity to be contemptuous and nasty at the expense of a professed Dog Hater. Several of them advised driving the hard line, saying that if the PMIL 'wins out' this time, it'll be a problem for the rest of her life with this woman.
I should have kept my mouth shut, but no... I stepped up and threw my big fat two-cents'-worth into the ring. I pointed out that this wasn't a hypothetical situation, and that there's a lot more at stake here than just a win/lose for the Dog People. This woman is presumably going to be this girl's MIL at some point, which means that what happens here stands to have an effect on the rest of her life with respect to this woman. The PMIL does have a right to spend Christmas in her own home without fearing for her own safety, however irrational her fear might seem to the rest of us. Assuming she really is dog-phobic (and we have no concrete proof that she is not), then it makes sense that having a dog around on Christmas would be a serious problem.
I advised being respectful and just regretfully declining the invitation. If she cannot leave her dog with a trusted friend or a kennel, declining is pretty much her only option. I said that she should make absolutely sure her PMIL knows that she would love to come and appreciates the invitation, and that she is sad that she cannot go. That way, the ball is in the PMIL's court; she can either choose to make concessions for the dog that she can live with (i.e. suggest keeping him in the car or something) or deal with not having everyone together at Christmas. Such concessions need to be suggested by the Hostess in this case, though, not by the guest.
Either way, I said, taking the 'love me, love my dog' approach will just invite a lot of resentment and such that will cause a lot of problems down the line.
This did not make me popular. One woman, 'Pam' wrote to 'respectfully disagree', again declaring that this woman 'needed help'. I replied that I didn't think anyone on the list (save maybe the girl in question) was in a position to make such a declaration, and therefore saying such things was inappropriate.
The list owner contacted me off-list, telling me to stop. 'This is a nice list.' she said. 'You haven't been here long enough to get the flavor of the interaction here.'
I wrote back to her (also off-list) to ask how anyone could consider the list 'nice' under the present circumstances? The 'nice' list is ripping apart a woman they've never met, who isn't even on the list to defend herself. Apparently the definition of 'nice' in this case is 'nasty to anyone who doesn't feel as we do, but never disagreeing with each other'. That is not the definition of a 'nice list', in my opinion. That is the definition of a clique of mean high school girls.
She didn't reply. She did not remove me from the list, though. All the same, my self-righteous indignation was not enough to make this whole thing at all ENJOYABLE to me. I spent the two days this was going on in an agitated mess, which in hindsight seems really silly. I'm starting to be of the opinion that any online situation that leaves me rankled enough to be upset about it once I've logged off is probably worth avoiding in the future. Since the 'flavor' I was detecting was clearly not a pleasant one, it would certainly seem to be in my best interests to leave the list.
But then, in come the Attaboys. Three separate people wrote me off-list to pat me on the back and say 'Thank you!' One wrote, "Where did you come from, Jen? I had given up hope that anyone with an ounce of maturity would ever speak up here. The rest of us have learned our lesson long ago and tend to keep our mouths shut. Good for you for standing up to them!"
Everyone loves a fight, I guess. Nothing like a good Attaboy to instill one with a new sense of responsibility. Forget sanity, forget good sense. These people NEED me; without me, they have no voice! I MUST stay, and live to fight another day in the name of Not Being So Crazy About Dogs That I Forget That People Matter. *brandishes sword*
Eh. In other words: Someone is wrong on the internet. If I leave, they'll KEEP BEING WRONG.
I have, fortunately, managed to decline to read the rest of the thread, aside from the followup post from the girl who posted initially. She said that her PMIL's husband had talked her into allowing the dog to stay in the garage, in a crate, as long as the dog's presence was not brought to her attention in any way. The girl was asked to simply quietly disappear whenever the dog needed to be attended to, and beyond that the dog was not to be acknowledged, discussed or mentioned in her presence. Fair enough, problem solved.
Miraculously, they resolved it without my help OR that of Pam (although I pat myself on the back on the grounds that I was right: the PMIL made a concession, and all was well). The poor girl apparently didn't tell her PMIL that she needed to 'Love me, Love my Dog', though, so she will be 'dealing with issues' with this woman forever now, I suppose. Guess she can't say her friends on the list didn't warn her! ;)
I will never understand why it is that dogs, who generally love everyone, earn so many champions that are nasty to everyone. Does it just even out?
And if it does, does the fact that I prefer really snobby dogs mean I'm not a snob? ;) Hee hee.