i need someplace warm and dark and quiet
it's always an experience to go back and read through my old journal entries. it feels so weird. like someone else wrote them.
when did i change so much? when did i stop reading? when did i start swearing so much? where did all my motivation go? when did i start complaining so much? what happened to the kid who finished her homework no matter what even if it meant staying up all night? when did i start losing my former work ethic? what happened to the girl who thought 10pm was late? when did i start to care less about things?
the entries trace a path i guess. but i never worked through journals systematically; i just wrote something down on whatever happened to be on hand. so you have to jump from book to book if you really want to follow it.
have i changed for the better? the worse? the same?
does growing up make everyone paranoid?
what is to be gotten by being the best of the best? recognition
why is recognition important? because it makes me feel wanted and needed and appreciated.
why is that important? because that's how i know why i'm here. it makes me feel like there is a purpose to my existence.
why do i need a purpose? so i have a goal to work towards.
why do i need a goal? so i know where i'm going.
why do i need to know where i'm going? so i don't get lost.
why don't i want to get lost? because if you get lost it means that you don't know where you are or how you got there or how to get out. being lost means being stuck and being without purpose. so you might as well die. and i don't want to die yet.
is making exceptions okay? will you slap me if i say "sometimes"?
is it okay to love someone who doesn't love you back? is it okay to love someone who loves someone else? is it okay to love anyone at all?
i feel like i've been jogging in place for a while and i need to make a decision about where i want to go. maybe this is just the effect that march and a long winter have on me. road-head fever, i guess you'd call it. things just feel so stagnant.
isn't it ironic that people are so competitive in a school that tries to eliminate all that business by getting rid of grades and gpa and class rank? we are so academically intense.
i've been seriously considering just deleting this journal. it is so unhealthy for me. i've come very very close to doing it. i had my finger poised over the button. but it's the old entries that stop me. maybe it's just that i would be erasing all of that. i don't think i've ever deleted or crossed out a journal entry. it seems kinda cheap to me to think i could undo what i thought or said just by erasing it. it doesn't make me feel great that it's still out there and people could read it if they wanted, but i think i would feel worse if i tried to hide everything bad i've ever said or done. sure there's bad stuff, but there's good stuff, too. stuff that makes me feel OK.
sometimes i wonder if someone would completely reject me because of one little thing. like if i didn't do a favor they had requested. would they really stop being my friend over one little thing? probably not. but then again, it can be hard to know what a "little" thing is and what a "big" thing is. because people give up because of big things. and they also give up because of lots of little things. and i'm sure we all do little things that tick people off and i'm sure we all wonder how many little things we do. they can be hard to miss. but not big things. you know when those happen.
what makes somebody a friend? how do you know if you are friends with somebody, or just acquaintances? it doesn't happen all of a sudden, that's for sure. but how do you know when you've rounded that corner?
i think it's funny that people will tell you when you are small that you should always share your feelings and tell the truth. but now, when it comes down to it, a lot of people don't want to hear that. i admit it. what's there to hide? if there's anything i've tried to do in my life it is to be honest. i guess that's gotten me into some bad spots, but who doesn't have those? i suppose i just think that it does more good to be honest than it does to lie. even for someone else's sake. but i constantly have these phrases running through my head. like Thumper, from Bambi "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". and i'm thinking, "i should follow that rule more closely". something has happened to me where for a while it felt okay or cool to piss and moan about things. but in the end it makes me feel sleazy. i don't like it. and i think about "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". and then i think about Kant because we're just reading his theory now. and i think about how it is important to me that i be a moral person, but what is morality? because i agree with Hume that actions are prompted by passion and not by reason, but i agree with Kant that the categorical imperative exists within reason and would make the world a better place if followed and acted upon by every individual. and i want to actu upon it because i want the world to be a better place for my having existed. doesn't everyone want that?
i'm sorry for rambling. i just wanted or maybe needed to get some stuff out.
it's funny when we apologize for saying cliche things. but there's a reason cliches exist; there's no better way to say it. at least, not any way that i've happened upon as of yet.
more than anything, right now, i would like to go outside and take a walk and look at the moon.
oh and i'm making this journal friends only.
when did i change so much? when did i stop reading? when did i start swearing so much? where did all my motivation go? when did i start complaining so much? what happened to the kid who finished her homework no matter what even if it meant staying up all night? when did i start losing my former work ethic? what happened to the girl who thought 10pm was late? when did i start to care less about things?
the entries trace a path i guess. but i never worked through journals systematically; i just wrote something down on whatever happened to be on hand. so you have to jump from book to book if you really want to follow it.
have i changed for the better? the worse? the same?
does growing up make everyone paranoid?
what is to be gotten by being the best of the best? recognition
why is recognition important? because it makes me feel wanted and needed and appreciated.
why is that important? because that's how i know why i'm here. it makes me feel like there is a purpose to my existence.
why do i need a purpose? so i have a goal to work towards.
why do i need a goal? so i know where i'm going.
why do i need to know where i'm going? so i don't get lost.
why don't i want to get lost? because if you get lost it means that you don't know where you are or how you got there or how to get out. being lost means being stuck and being without purpose. so you might as well die. and i don't want to die yet.
is making exceptions okay? will you slap me if i say "sometimes"?
is it okay to love someone who doesn't love you back? is it okay to love someone who loves someone else? is it okay to love anyone at all?
i feel like i've been jogging in place for a while and i need to make a decision about where i want to go. maybe this is just the effect that march and a long winter have on me. road-head fever, i guess you'd call it. things just feel so stagnant.
isn't it ironic that people are so competitive in a school that tries to eliminate all that business by getting rid of grades and gpa and class rank? we are so academically intense.
i've been seriously considering just deleting this journal. it is so unhealthy for me. i've come very very close to doing it. i had my finger poised over the button. but it's the old entries that stop me. maybe it's just that i would be erasing all of that. i don't think i've ever deleted or crossed out a journal entry. it seems kinda cheap to me to think i could undo what i thought or said just by erasing it. it doesn't make me feel great that it's still out there and people could read it if they wanted, but i think i would feel worse if i tried to hide everything bad i've ever said or done. sure there's bad stuff, but there's good stuff, too. stuff that makes me feel OK.
sometimes i wonder if someone would completely reject me because of one little thing. like if i didn't do a favor they had requested. would they really stop being my friend over one little thing? probably not. but then again, it can be hard to know what a "little" thing is and what a "big" thing is. because people give up because of big things. and they also give up because of lots of little things. and i'm sure we all do little things that tick people off and i'm sure we all wonder how many little things we do. they can be hard to miss. but not big things. you know when those happen.
what makes somebody a friend? how do you know if you are friends with somebody, or just acquaintances? it doesn't happen all of a sudden, that's for sure. but how do you know when you've rounded that corner?
i think it's funny that people will tell you when you are small that you should always share your feelings and tell the truth. but now, when it comes down to it, a lot of people don't want to hear that. i admit it. what's there to hide? if there's anything i've tried to do in my life it is to be honest. i guess that's gotten me into some bad spots, but who doesn't have those? i suppose i just think that it does more good to be honest than it does to lie. even for someone else's sake. but i constantly have these phrases running through my head. like Thumper, from Bambi "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". and i'm thinking, "i should follow that rule more closely". something has happened to me where for a while it felt okay or cool to piss and moan about things. but in the end it makes me feel sleazy. i don't like it. and i think about "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". and then i think about Kant because we're just reading his theory now. and i think about how it is important to me that i be a moral person, but what is morality? because i agree with Hume that actions are prompted by passion and not by reason, but i agree with Kant that the categorical imperative exists within reason and would make the world a better place if followed and acted upon by every individual. and i want to actu upon it because i want the world to be a better place for my having existed. doesn't everyone want that?
i'm sorry for rambling. i just wanted or maybe needed to get some stuff out.
it's funny when we apologize for saying cliche things. but there's a reason cliches exist; there's no better way to say it. at least, not any way that i've happened upon as of yet.
more than anything, right now, i would like to go outside and take a walk and look at the moon.
oh and i'm making this journal friends only.