Ramblings
As tends to happen, it seems that I end up logging in and thinking "I have things I want to say, but the thoughts are only loosely organized, so while I feel like I should address each topic as a post, I'm just going to brain dump". There's a reason I titled this blog "Mental Diarrhea". :-)
So, it's seems to be "another week, another school shooting". A disturbed kid buys a rifle and goes on a shooting spree at his old high school in Florida, 17 dead. Another tragedy, only with this one Ceri knew someone that lost their daughter. She's been destroyed by this - someone she knows very closely is going through one of those things no one should ever have to suffer through - and it's hit her very close to the heart. Shootings like this are unfortunately too common, but they've been easy to rule as the sort of thing that is actually still quite rare. But in the aftermath of this one, Ceri and I realized something - we've known three people that have lost their children to school shootings. While three may not seem like a lot, it puts into perspective that this isn't as isolated as we'd like to pretend either.
I still believe in the Second Amendment, and the right to bear arms, I don't want to see an Australia-style nationwide ban. But the simple fact is that we don't do nearly enough in this country to make sure that people that shouldn't have firearms don't. I understand the notion that "criminals don't follow laws", but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't even try. We don't say "people will speed, why set speed limits?", so why do we give firearms a pass? And again, I understand that the right for arms is embedded in the Constitution, where driving is a privilege, but the fact is that we do have limits on other rights - the right to free speech doesn't allow you to yell "fire" in a crowded theater, and there are lots of laws governing who can vote - so the idea of applying limits to constitutional rights is not new.
So Ceri and I are going to end up selling our pistols. Ceri is officially done with the idea of gun ownership - in fact I doubt she'll ever go to the range again. I know I'll still enjoy the occasional range trip, but the idea of private ownership has lost its appeal. We only ever had our guns for target shooting anyway, and in light of recent events, I feel like I have a hard time saying "we need to do something" when I could be considered part of the group that we need to do something about. And again, I'm not trying to demonize gun owners or gun ownership here. I've just reached a point where it's lost its appeal for me.
I've finally made some progress in "Operation get the trains out". It's been one of those hobby things I've been dying to get moving again, and with the impending demise of the shed out back it made sense to hurry that along. The big issue has been in making the space, so I've been working on organizing my hobby stuff so that I can put it away, and leave my gaming table clear for bringing in my layout. I've managed that, but before I actually went ahead and brought anything in I realized that I needed to do a little pre-emptive troubleshooting first. Pidge has expressed interest in my trains before, so I know that once I bring them in he's going to want to play with them, and to that end I need to make sure that they work to some degree. I don't want to haul it in, and then have it sit there non-functioning.
So I pulled in a couple boxes of my stuff - train cars, locomotive, the control system and some loose track - and set up a little test station to make sure that things would work. I had trouble at first - I couldn't get my engine to run at all. I ended up pulling off the shell, giving it a cleaning, and reprogramming the control decoder, and giving the track a good cleaning too. Fortunately that did the trick, and after about an hour of putzing and poking I was able to get it so that I could drive my loco back and forth on my little test track. Considering that everything had been sitting in the shed for over 10 years, I'll call that a win! So next up will be bringing in my actual layout and getting that running.
I know that's going to bring along a list of extra work. I don't know if any of the switches still work, and the tracks are going to need a thorough cleaning. I went ahead and bought a track cleaning car so that I won't need to hand clean the whole thing, I'll be able to let the train do most of the work. I suspect the switches are going to take a lot of work, but even without the switches I should be able to get it running ovals easily enough. That'll be a good start, and from there I'll be able to systematically check and refurbish all the systems as necessary.
Another thing I'm looking forward to is that having the trains will give my 3D printer another use. I'll be able to print buildings and hardscape, and I also plan on printing a control panel for my switches. When I last had everything set up there were a couple things I tried to do that never quite worked - like making an engine shed, and adding houses for the company town - but I never quite finished them because my ability to precisely hobby at such a small scale isn't quite there. But with the printer I'll be able to accurately print stuff that will allow me to fill in the gaps in what I can buy, and I won't be limited to what's commercially available.
And of course it wouldn't be an LJ post without some Phoenix discussion. The job hunt has been going better than expected - I have an interview on Wednesday, and a couple other potentials that are lining up. This has been huge - it could mean that work is off the list of "no Phoenix" zones, which will obviously impact a lot. Granted, there's still a lot of unknown right now - just because I have the interview doesn't mean anything will come of it, and I don't know how any employer might be willing to proceed. Being a transgender engineer would have complications, but I think it'd be a non-issue easily enough - it's not like there aren't women engineers. What I'm anxious about is to see how they handle a gender fluid engineer. A lot of engineering is very conservative, and it's likely they'll deal with the black and white of a transgender person more easily than the grey area of fluidity. I'm expecting for there to be a "pick one - male or female", and in terms of outside contact with clients I understand why. But I'm also not necessarily looking for that - I don't want to necessarily be hemmed in to being Phoenix all the time, just as I don't want to have to be WMTG all the time. So that's my biggest worry - that I may end up trading one "less than ideal" for another - but I'll never know unless I try.
But with all of this job searching, it's led to other expansions of Phoenix time. This weekend I went out as Phoenix twice - part of interviewing means wearing an interview appropriate outfit, and shopping for that outfit really means shopping as Phoenix. The most interesting thing of it all has been how "normal" things are becoming for Ceri. She's still afraid of losing WMTG as the default, but is very supportive of me being more Phoenix, even in a work environment. She was even chuckling, in that Phoenix has become normal enough that it doesn't always register in her mind that I'm out as Phoenix and the things that might mean. For example, we went to the optometrist while we were out, because I've been needing to get my eyes checked. I gave my info to the receptionist that was making my appointment, and she was obviously a bit confused when all of the information matched up to a WMTG instead of Phoenix. It wasn't an issue at all - I just said that it may be in there under an WMTG, and she said "okay, we'll update that info for you" - but Ceri laughed as we were walking out, since it never even occurred to her that I was going in as Phoenix and that there may be a conflict of identity.
But that has definitely been one very pleasant thing with the additional Phoenix time - and that's how often it's been a non-issue. I know a lot of it has to do with living where we do - Maryland is fairly liberal, especially so close to Baltimore and DC - but to have the receptionist at the optometrist just say "oh, I'll update that" is still extremely satisfying. And it's all the things - people addressing us as "ladies", or getting "ma'am"d, or getting a compliment on my outfit - it makes me feel so wonderful. And the thing is, I know that some people suspect I'm not biologically female. I'll occasionally get the double take, or the not-so-subtle look in a restaurant, and I've been ID'd as Phoenix, which makes it obvious things aren't what they seem. But every time it's been not an issue. It's generally a non-event, and at most I'm a curiosity. But I've never had a directly negative experience. And while I realize that I still have to be aware that it's a possibility, it makes me (and Ceri) a lot more comfortable with me being who I am.
So yeah. Brain dump!
So, it's seems to be "another week, another school shooting". A disturbed kid buys a rifle and goes on a shooting spree at his old high school in Florida, 17 dead. Another tragedy, only with this one Ceri knew someone that lost their daughter. She's been destroyed by this - someone she knows very closely is going through one of those things no one should ever have to suffer through - and it's hit her very close to the heart. Shootings like this are unfortunately too common, but they've been easy to rule as the sort of thing that is actually still quite rare. But in the aftermath of this one, Ceri and I realized something - we've known three people that have lost their children to school shootings. While three may not seem like a lot, it puts into perspective that this isn't as isolated as we'd like to pretend either.
I still believe in the Second Amendment, and the right to bear arms, I don't want to see an Australia-style nationwide ban. But the simple fact is that we don't do nearly enough in this country to make sure that people that shouldn't have firearms don't. I understand the notion that "criminals don't follow laws", but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't even try. We don't say "people will speed, why set speed limits?", so why do we give firearms a pass? And again, I understand that the right for arms is embedded in the Constitution, where driving is a privilege, but the fact is that we do have limits on other rights - the right to free speech doesn't allow you to yell "fire" in a crowded theater, and there are lots of laws governing who can vote - so the idea of applying limits to constitutional rights is not new.
So Ceri and I are going to end up selling our pistols. Ceri is officially done with the idea of gun ownership - in fact I doubt she'll ever go to the range again. I know I'll still enjoy the occasional range trip, but the idea of private ownership has lost its appeal. We only ever had our guns for target shooting anyway, and in light of recent events, I feel like I have a hard time saying "we need to do something" when I could be considered part of the group that we need to do something about. And again, I'm not trying to demonize gun owners or gun ownership here. I've just reached a point where it's lost its appeal for me.
I've finally made some progress in "Operation get the trains out". It's been one of those hobby things I've been dying to get moving again, and with the impending demise of the shed out back it made sense to hurry that along. The big issue has been in making the space, so I've been working on organizing my hobby stuff so that I can put it away, and leave my gaming table clear for bringing in my layout. I've managed that, but before I actually went ahead and brought anything in I realized that I needed to do a little pre-emptive troubleshooting first. Pidge has expressed interest in my trains before, so I know that once I bring them in he's going to want to play with them, and to that end I need to make sure that they work to some degree. I don't want to haul it in, and then have it sit there non-functioning.
So I pulled in a couple boxes of my stuff - train cars, locomotive, the control system and some loose track - and set up a little test station to make sure that things would work. I had trouble at first - I couldn't get my engine to run at all. I ended up pulling off the shell, giving it a cleaning, and reprogramming the control decoder, and giving the track a good cleaning too. Fortunately that did the trick, and after about an hour of putzing and poking I was able to get it so that I could drive my loco back and forth on my little test track. Considering that everything had been sitting in the shed for over 10 years, I'll call that a win! So next up will be bringing in my actual layout and getting that running.
I know that's going to bring along a list of extra work. I don't know if any of the switches still work, and the tracks are going to need a thorough cleaning. I went ahead and bought a track cleaning car so that I won't need to hand clean the whole thing, I'll be able to let the train do most of the work. I suspect the switches are going to take a lot of work, but even without the switches I should be able to get it running ovals easily enough. That'll be a good start, and from there I'll be able to systematically check and refurbish all the systems as necessary.
Another thing I'm looking forward to is that having the trains will give my 3D printer another use. I'll be able to print buildings and hardscape, and I also plan on printing a control panel for my switches. When I last had everything set up there were a couple things I tried to do that never quite worked - like making an engine shed, and adding houses for the company town - but I never quite finished them because my ability to precisely hobby at such a small scale isn't quite there. But with the printer I'll be able to accurately print stuff that will allow me to fill in the gaps in what I can buy, and I won't be limited to what's commercially available.
And of course it wouldn't be an LJ post without some Phoenix discussion. The job hunt has been going better than expected - I have an interview on Wednesday, and a couple other potentials that are lining up. This has been huge - it could mean that work is off the list of "no Phoenix" zones, which will obviously impact a lot. Granted, there's still a lot of unknown right now - just because I have the interview doesn't mean anything will come of it, and I don't know how any employer might be willing to proceed. Being a transgender engineer would have complications, but I think it'd be a non-issue easily enough - it's not like there aren't women engineers. What I'm anxious about is to see how they handle a gender fluid engineer. A lot of engineering is very conservative, and it's likely they'll deal with the black and white of a transgender person more easily than the grey area of fluidity. I'm expecting for there to be a "pick one - male or female", and in terms of outside contact with clients I understand why. But I'm also not necessarily looking for that - I don't want to necessarily be hemmed in to being Phoenix all the time, just as I don't want to have to be WMTG all the time. So that's my biggest worry - that I may end up trading one "less than ideal" for another - but I'll never know unless I try.
But with all of this job searching, it's led to other expansions of Phoenix time. This weekend I went out as Phoenix twice - part of interviewing means wearing an interview appropriate outfit, and shopping for that outfit really means shopping as Phoenix. The most interesting thing of it all has been how "normal" things are becoming for Ceri. She's still afraid of losing WMTG as the default, but is very supportive of me being more Phoenix, even in a work environment. She was even chuckling, in that Phoenix has become normal enough that it doesn't always register in her mind that I'm out as Phoenix and the things that might mean. For example, we went to the optometrist while we were out, because I've been needing to get my eyes checked. I gave my info to the receptionist that was making my appointment, and she was obviously a bit confused when all of the information matched up to a WMTG instead of Phoenix. It wasn't an issue at all - I just said that it may be in there under an WMTG, and she said "okay, we'll update that info for you" - but Ceri laughed as we were walking out, since it never even occurred to her that I was going in as Phoenix and that there may be a conflict of identity.
But that has definitely been one very pleasant thing with the additional Phoenix time - and that's how often it's been a non-issue. I know a lot of it has to do with living where we do - Maryland is fairly liberal, especially so close to Baltimore and DC - but to have the receptionist at the optometrist just say "oh, I'll update that" is still extremely satisfying. And it's all the things - people addressing us as "ladies", or getting "ma'am"d, or getting a compliment on my outfit - it makes me feel so wonderful. And the thing is, I know that some people suspect I'm not biologically female. I'll occasionally get the double take, or the not-so-subtle look in a restaurant, and I've been ID'd as Phoenix, which makes it obvious things aren't what they seem. But every time it's been not an issue. It's generally a non-event, and at most I'm a curiosity. But I've never had a directly negative experience. And while I realize that I still have to be aware that it's a possibility, it makes me (and Ceri) a lot more comfortable with me being who I am.
So yeah. Brain dump!