In a funk
So I seem to be in a bit of a funk lately. It seems to be happening with some frequency, and I don't like it. The gist of it is that I feel kind of stuck, and stuck in a place that I'm just not really thrilled with. A big part of it is career and gender identity related, but some of it is family too.
The job thing has been really frustrating. I ended up at my current place mostly out of desperation - after losing my last job, I needed something and quick. There was potential and promise when I came on board, but a lot of that hasn't materialized, and lately I've been in a rut of little work and even less motivation. I started looking for a new job, which initially provided me with some hope, but the results I've seen haven't exactly been promising. I did have one offer - one I didn't take - but the fact that it's only really been the one has me in the dumps. I think part of it is just that there aren't that many opportunities available, and with as small as the engineering world is, there's just only so much need in the Baltimore area. But even with that it's been disheartening, I'd like to believe that I'm the kind of guy that a firm would like to have - I have credentials and experience out the wazoo - so the fact that it's been so difficult has me feeling like maybe I'm not the quality engineer I'd like to believe.
I've also really found myself thinking that maybe the answer is to just start something completely different. The problem is that we have a lifestyle that is dependent on us making a certain amount, and there's only so much wiggle room I can do with my pay. My experience will only translate into so many different career options if I'm looking to make a similar amount to what I do.
None of this is helped by the Phoenix complication. There's a certain emotional toll this whole thing is taking on me, and I know that's adding to the funk. It's hard to get up and feel like you are faking it when you get dressed in the morning, but it's just as hard to feel like that if you followed your heart, that you'd break someone else's in the process. Therapy has helped, but in some ways has only added to the frustration - I feel like I've grown so much in my own self-acceptance, it makes it that much harder to not be able to express it. I feel like finding a workplace where I'm free to be Phoenix would help significantly, but see above for that.
There's also been plenty of family drama.
Pidge has been going through some tough things, and Ceri and I are both stuck trying to figure it out, and feeling like we're failing. He's been going through an assortment of issues - from problems at school, to problems of sneaking and lying to us - and it feels like every time we think we've addressed one another pops up. And as much as we hate to admit it, there have been times where both Ceri and I have felt like maybe becoming parents wasn't the right choice for us. It's obviously too late for that, and the fact is that I love the little dude - I really do - but we've been reaching our wits end with some things. I know part of it is just the changes that come with kids getting older, but I just don't know.
There's been plenty on Ceri's side too. She's going through some rough times - she's at a point where her career is stalling, and the answers to the question of "what's next" bring a whole slew of questions of their own. There's possibly a great career opportunity coming her way, but it may mean relocating to Philadelphia. The both of us are actually not opposed to it - it'd be good for her career, and there's a part of me that feels like a change in venue might help me out - but it brings along a train load of drama in regards to Ceri's mom and sister. Ceri's mom would fall apart if she didn't live within a quick drive, and even though Philly is only a couple hours we both think it'd be more than she'd be able to handle. And Ceri gets mad because her mom has put he in this quilt ridden "but your sister" position, but she doesn't know the answer. Granted, this is still an uncertainty, and would be a year or so off, but just the fact that it's a possibility has been a big emotional drain.
And then there's my family drama. It's been a non-thing lately, but my parents aren't getting any younger and I know that this'll eventually become an issue. I don't want things to be the way they are with my family, but it's also out of my hands. Thing is, I don't think that'll matter when the time comes.
And don't even get me started on politics.
So, fuck. All I know is that I really just want to check out for a bit. Unfortunately, being an adult means that's not really feasible.
The job thing has been really frustrating. I ended up at my current place mostly out of desperation - after losing my last job, I needed something and quick. There was potential and promise when I came on board, but a lot of that hasn't materialized, and lately I've been in a rut of little work and even less motivation. I started looking for a new job, which initially provided me with some hope, but the results I've seen haven't exactly been promising. I did have one offer - one I didn't take - but the fact that it's only really been the one has me in the dumps. I think part of it is just that there aren't that many opportunities available, and with as small as the engineering world is, there's just only so much need in the Baltimore area. But even with that it's been disheartening, I'd like to believe that I'm the kind of guy that a firm would like to have - I have credentials and experience out the wazoo - so the fact that it's been so difficult has me feeling like maybe I'm not the quality engineer I'd like to believe.
I've also really found myself thinking that maybe the answer is to just start something completely different. The problem is that we have a lifestyle that is dependent on us making a certain amount, and there's only so much wiggle room I can do with my pay. My experience will only translate into so many different career options if I'm looking to make a similar amount to what I do.
None of this is helped by the Phoenix complication. There's a certain emotional toll this whole thing is taking on me, and I know that's adding to the funk. It's hard to get up and feel like you are faking it when you get dressed in the morning, but it's just as hard to feel like that if you followed your heart, that you'd break someone else's in the process. Therapy has helped, but in some ways has only added to the frustration - I feel like I've grown so much in my own self-acceptance, it makes it that much harder to not be able to express it. I feel like finding a workplace where I'm free to be Phoenix would help significantly, but see above for that.
There's also been plenty of family drama.
Pidge has been going through some tough things, and Ceri and I are both stuck trying to figure it out, and feeling like we're failing. He's been going through an assortment of issues - from problems at school, to problems of sneaking and lying to us - and it feels like every time we think we've addressed one another pops up. And as much as we hate to admit it, there have been times where both Ceri and I have felt like maybe becoming parents wasn't the right choice for us. It's obviously too late for that, and the fact is that I love the little dude - I really do - but we've been reaching our wits end with some things. I know part of it is just the changes that come with kids getting older, but I just don't know.
There's been plenty on Ceri's side too. She's going through some rough times - she's at a point where her career is stalling, and the answers to the question of "what's next" bring a whole slew of questions of their own. There's possibly a great career opportunity coming her way, but it may mean relocating to Philadelphia. The both of us are actually not opposed to it - it'd be good for her career, and there's a part of me that feels like a change in venue might help me out - but it brings along a train load of drama in regards to Ceri's mom and sister. Ceri's mom would fall apart if she didn't live within a quick drive, and even though Philly is only a couple hours we both think it'd be more than she'd be able to handle. And Ceri gets mad because her mom has put he in this quilt ridden "but your sister" position, but she doesn't know the answer. Granted, this is still an uncertainty, and would be a year or so off, but just the fact that it's a possibility has been a big emotional drain.
And then there's my family drama. It's been a non-thing lately, but my parents aren't getting any younger and I know that this'll eventually become an issue. I don't want things to be the way they are with my family, but it's also out of my hands. Thing is, I don't think that'll matter when the time comes.
And don't even get me started on politics.
So, fuck. All I know is that I really just want to check out for a bit. Unfortunately, being an adult means that's not really feasible.