A funny e-mail I got from my uncle
Everything you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask about Channukah & Christmas
If, during the upcoming Holiday Season, anyone asks "what is the difference between Christmas & Chanukah"?
you will know how to answer!
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25th. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid holiday. Jews go in for the movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, - whenever that falls!!! No one is ever certain. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing them to consult a calendar so that they don't look like idiots. Jews all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation to the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: "They tried to kill us, we survived, lets eat"
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks or the Collected Works of the Rambam, - which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. Christmas can only be spelt ONE way. Jews, however, cannot decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden, - no Jewish woman expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are Jews spared enormous electric bills, but also they get to feel good about not exacerbating the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful: - Silent Night: - Come All Ye Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the Hora. Of course, Jews are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by their tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand & Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people gather round in festive mood. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes & onions. A Jewish home, - as always, - is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of Jewish suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and Matta, or whatever. Names that no one can spell or pronounce. On the plus side, Jews can tell their friends anything and their friends will believe that they are wonderfully versed in Jewish history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink".
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more & more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could Jews market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? "forget about celebrating. think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $250 a person" Better stick with Chanukah!