When I Fall - Chapter 3/6
When I Fall (3/6) - Tablo/Eunhyuk (Daniel/Hyukjae)
Romance/Comedy (coffeehouse!au), PG13
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Summary: After three years of college, Hyukjae decided to take a year off to "find himself." It wasn't long before he started questioning what it was he really wanted to find.
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6
“Hey… Am I… likable?”
Sungmin didn’t even flinch at the question, continuing his perusal through the latest edition of Wine Enthusiast, and stated, “If this is your way of asking me out… no.”
“Why would I want to date you? I live with you. That’s stupid,” Hyukjae retorted, the room upside down in his view. His ankles were crossed up against the wall and his head hung off the side of his bed.
“Why else would you ask me such a stupid question?” He turned a page.
“Because,” Hyukjae grumbled, “I’m just wondering if I have any… appeal. That’s all.” He felt his cheeks flush hot at the admission, blaming it on the being upside down, and regretted saying anything.
The magazine was quickly tossed aside. “Who is it? Do I know her?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t tell me it’s that crazy stalker girl from the hip hop club last year... No, wait, isn’t she dating someone? Are you guys dating?” asked Sungmin, expression harsh.
Hyukjae rolled his eyes. “No. I’m not that desperate.”
“Ah, so you admit you’re desperate,” Sungmin simpered.
“No, why aren’t you answering the question? Am I so ugly that you have to avoid the question to spare my feelings?” The conversation was going the wrong way, and he could feel the crown of his head numbing because of it. Or maybe it was the blood rushing there.
“You're so sharp, it pains me,” replied a very sarcastically pensive Sungmin. "Is something the matter? Where are your usual delusions of grandeur?"
“Ha, you're so funny. So… are you going to answer me?” Hyukjae asked, legs swooping down so that he sat upright on his bed, a look of anxiety contorting his pale face.
His roommate was very playful, but also considerate and protective. There was no reason for pause, that Hyukjae could muster, unless the answer was undesirable. “I’m… unattractive?”
Not that being unattractive to a guy was bad, but he was hoping for something more reassuring. It wasn't like he was asking if he could beat out Brad Pitt in a modeling contest (he probably could).
It was his friend’s turn to roll his eyes. “I don’t want to answer such a stupid question, but.” He paused to add a dramatic sigh. “If I were a girl and if I absolutely had to answer.” Another dramatic pause. “I might consider you somewhat attractive,” he smirked.
Hyukjae grimaced. “That doesn’t really answer the question.” He was looking for something more concrete, from another guy's perspective. He should have just asked the question rolling at the forefront of his mind. Do I look like I can attract guys?
“Oh, goodness.” Sungmin laughed, waving a careless hand and picking his magazine back up. “You’re fine, okay? Have some confidence, Hyukkie-ah.”
Hyukjae tried not to frown, knowing Sungmin didn't understand what he had really been trying to get at. “Only fine?” he joked.
"More than fine," Sungmin replied.
-
His chat with Sungmin left him upset. Maybe because he didn't know what answer he expected to hear.
Hyukjae was insecure, he knew that. He was too fixated on other people, about what they thought.
Speculating wasn’t a good activity, not with Hyukjae. Because it meant that his imagination would run wilder than a carnivore that hadn't seen meat in months.
No one needed to know what Hyukjae had speculated today.
All anyone "needed" to know was that Daniel was the only customer in the café that afternoon and Hyukjae had nothing better to do than speculate.
Perhaps awkward wasn’t quite the word Hyukjae would use to describe how he felt at this exact moment, left alone to care for the shop while everyone else had gone who knows where.
Slightly constrained, maybe. Hyukjae could feel inquisitive eyes on him as he went through his cleaning rounds. He still didn’t know whether to enjoy the attention, or fear it. Damn Junsu for not even calling in a replacement to keep him company.
“Are you still in school?” came Daniel's voice through the silence.
Hyukjae, startled, looked up from the table he was clearing up and fumbled with a cup. “Sort of? I'm taking a year off,” he responded, stacking the dirtied mugs onto his tray. “Why do you ask?”
“Because-Put that down and sit here,” Daniel ordered.
“But, hyungnim, I have to-“
“Customer service. Do I have to talk to your manager?” he said swiftly, a smile gracing a flat mouth and dark eyes.
Hyukjae stopped himself before Yes and then maybe I’ll get fired and you’ll owe me your life. Or just a job. spewed out his mouth. Instead, a contrastingly meek, “… Yes.” burbled out.
“You want me to talk to your manager?” Daniel looked bemused.
“… Yes-I mean, no… I mean… I’ll just. Sit. Here.”
As he set the dishes down and started to step towards the seat, his foot caught on a table leg and he went plopping into a chair. Luckily, the one he was aiming for, right across from the relaxed not-quite-customer.
Daniel snorted. “Nice of you to drop in,” he joked.
The room (or just Hyukjae’s face) felt a few degrees warmer. Other people that teased him about anything ended up enduring futile fistfuls of “Shut the hell up”s and “I know you are but what am I”s. But with Daniel, Hyukjae did not feel so much as embarrassed as just hopeless. No need for defensive tactics there.
He tried to hide his flush by resting his head on folded arms.
“You know, you’re just about the only person I talk to nowadays,” Daniel remarked, slouching with an arm swung behind the back of his chair.
“Oh… really,” Hyukjae replied, flush for a different reason now, and biting his lip to keep from showing his delight.
Daniel continued in a ramble, all but affecting nonchalance, “Yeah, really. With my job, I grade papers. I talk at student carcasses that hardly have the energy to walk to class, much less participate. I rarely see them in my office hours. And my housemates, don’t even get me started on them. You’re really the only one I talk to. Feel human with. But I feel like I don’t know anything about you. Other than that you work here, and talk poetry. Isn’t that weird?” He chuckled.
“Oh, that’s true. I don’t think I know too much about you either,” Hyukjae chuckled back.
Daniel's pale skin colored vaguely. “Well, why don’t we fix that?”
“… What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me something about yourself,” Daniel suggested, his wrist twisting around to the beat of his request.
“Like what?” Hyukjae blinked.
“Like…” he looked around, searching for a trigger, eyes landing on a fresh scar with skin only just beginning to peel, “Like how you got that scar. Looks like it’s got a good story to tell.”
Hyukjae looked down at where Daniel was pointing on his arm and his ears pinked. “Oh, this? It’s not… It was nothing.”
The disbelieving stare that Daniel pointed at him made him sigh, leaning back in defeat. “Okay. But... you can’t laugh.” A twitch of a smile was already showing itself on the other’s face. “I mean it, really don't,” Hyukjae said, feeling like a kicked puppy.
“I solemnly swear,” Daniel complied, holding up his hand in a sign of promise.
A wary look flashed across Hyukjae’s face.
“What? Should I promise you my firstborn or something?” Daniel joked.
“No!” Hyukjae blushed. “I mean, no,” he said, more despondent. So he planned on having kids.
That was a tunnel he didn't want his train of thought to go into. To change the subject, he mumbled out impulsively, “Iguhrunoberbyabike.”
“Wait… What?” asked Daniel, trying to make sure he heard right.
Hyukjae looked down and spoke slower, “I got run over by a bike.”
“What?” Daniel said, hearing clearly this time.
“I just… I was distracted, okay? And jaywalking. But that’s not the point. I was just trying to go home and then this crazy guy on a bike just came out of nowhere and bowled me over. It really wasn’t anything to do with clumsiness or anything,” Hyukjae tried to explain, hoping that he would be able to maintain some semblance of dignity after this.
“Wait, hold on. Hold up. Where'd this happen? What kind of bike?” Daniel inquired, his face utterly serious.
Hyukjae quirked a brow in confusion. “Why?”
“Because… I don’t know. Just-Just tell me,” he said.
“I… I’m not sure I remember. I don't know? But-but it happened in front of my building, a few blocks from here.”
“Was the guy kinda tall with an ugly face? Kinda like a fox?” Daniel asked frenzied, leaning so far forward in his chair that he practically wasn't even on it anymore. Hyukjae subconsciously leaned away.
“I don’t know. I didn’t really look at his face,” he mulled, scratching his head. “I just apologized and walked off.”
There was a pause before Daniel abrubptly laughed, sort of hysterically. “It was you. Damn, it had to be you. There's no way that--I can’t believe it.”
“What?”
Sheepish laughter quivered from his throat as he revealed, “I think… it was my housemate. Who hit you.” More disbelieving laughter. “He came home a few weeks back with, like, this bruise on his shoulder. Said he landed on it after hitting some kid with his bike and they just ran off after apologizing. He went nuts he was so irritated.”
“I-“
“Destiny,” Daniel hummed it like a thought, a light satisfaction in his tone.
Hyukjae’s mind froze. “What?”
“This is destiny, destiny,” he repeated, reveling in his discovery. "My barista getting hit by the thorn in my side, how else could it happen? When Jeongsik told me what happened, I was like, what kind of person would just walk away from something like that, and apologizing no less, when it was so obviously his stupid fault. And you have a scar so obviously you were more injured than he was, that whining bastard. I don't know how they ever let him out on the roads,” he grinned.
Hyukjae's brain was out on break or something because it wasn't processing very well. What was that about destiny again?
“Actually, it would make sense,” Daniel said bluntly, “If it was you.”
He got his bearings back hearing that, and his voice nearly broke in affront, “Why would you say that?”
A small snort cracked out from Daniel’s nose. “You’re sort of clumsy and you always seem to be apologizing for something. To be perfectly honest, I had wondered if they kept you around ‘cause you were Korea’s number one barista or something; you do make a damn good cup of coffee. But it sure as hell wasn’t for your ability to balance a tray.”
Hyukjae, ears red from the half-compliment, stammered out, “I’m not usually clumsy, hyungnim. It’s only because-“
-of you, he wanted to say. But he couldn’t just admit that so readily, and it would have made him sound like an idiot. He left the sentence dangling, not knowing what to do with himself. He settled for looking away, hands between his knees.
“Because… what?” Daniel leaned forward, tilting his head to look Hyukjae directly in the eyes as if he knew what answer to expect.
“Um,” Hyukjae somehow compelled himself to smile. “Because, those were just bad days.”
“I see,” Daniel replied, skeptical. “You must have a lot of bad days then.”
Hyukjae felt something twist in his chest. He had given a moronic excuse in exchange for another even more moronic excuse; but in comparison, it was the lesser evil.
Hyukjae was stupefied by his own cowardice. “Yeah.” He kept his smile on. “Yeah, I do.”
-
The week rolled on until a quiet Saturday evening hit. In a large college city like this, very few patrons came out that time of night. No work, no school, and exam weeks were far off enough to render caffeine-fueled all-nighter cram sessions unnecessary.
His wistful sigh turned the heads of the scarce that were there.
“Can’t you pine on your own time? Be useful. Go clean or something,” Junsu commanded.
“Who’s pining?” Hyukjae reddened.
No one was pining. So, Daniel hadn’t shown up in some days and, obviously, for anyone else, Hyukjae wouldn’t have cared, but it still wasn’t pining.
Pining was a term used for losers that wallowed in torturous obsession over things they couldn’t have. Hyukjae was not wallowing and he certainly was not torturously obsessed.
Junsu crossed his arms and stood in a stern posture. “You’ve been staring at the door for ages and I told you to clean out the pastry trays twenty minutes ago.”
Only moderately obsessed, he acceded.
“Look, Hyukkie-yah.” Junsu’s face wasn’t comforting to look at. “If you like him, then tell him. Your rain cloud of sadness is ruining the mojo in here.”
Indignity stung in Hyukjae’s chest and he huffed, “What mojo? What are you talking about? I don't like him like that. I'm perfectly happy.”
“Right, right. Look,” Junsu said, unfazed and filled with delight at his friend’s expense, “You should just confess. You’ll breathe easier, and I won’t have to watch you fall into a black pit of depression when you lose your chance.”
“I don’t-“
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Just go for it.”
Hyukjae wasn't going to win that argument, so he tried for another angle. “But what if he doesn’t like me like that?”
"So what?"
“He doesn’t like me, I'm sure of it! I mean, he’s cool and we talk about stuff, but he’s… he’s…”
Junsu shook his head like being a Doctor of Love was just so much work. “Don’t you want to see what happens?”
No. No, he did not. Hyukjae was content where he was at the moment. He was fine with being just friends.
Besides, Hyukjae liked girls. Cute, sophisticated, elegant girls that gave off a city air, wearing mid-thigh skirts that showed off long bare legs and sleek hips.
Well, sort of. They were nice to look at, but that was all they were. Look no touch. He was no lady killer, but he was cool with that (he could be a lady killer if he wanted). The point of his hiatus was to mull over what he wanted to do with his life, not what he wanted to do with girls.
Romantic relationships were too life-defining, too compromising to the independence that he had earned by getting a job and standing on his own. Without depending on others.
And that was what this was all about, wasn't it? Hyukjae speculated. He looked up to Daniel. But to love him? To love someone... To find himself loving so much that he would never be able to stand on his own. His stomach clenched at the thought.
Junsu kicked him. “Yah! Are you listening to me? Do you even have his number? I looked through your phone the other day and it wasn't there. Do you keep him under 'Sweet Honey Buns' or something?"
"You looked through my phone?" shouted Hyukjae, kicking back, more than irate.
Junsu blocked his barrage of attacks. "You did it first, you loser!"
-
The next few days were equally exciting, letting Hyukjae have more time to think to himself.
It was not until Monday that Daniel walked through the doors again, little bells above it singing like a chorus of hallelujahs, and walked straight up to the counter instead of his usual corner niche.
“Daniel-hyungnim!” exclaimed Hyukjae, tensing his legs to keep them from shaking and resisting the peculiar impulse to check his hair.
“Hyukjae…” Daniel smiled tautly, and Hyukjae noticed the extremely dark rings under his eyes, the hair visibly askew beneath a gray messenger cap, the sheen of a sleepless night plain on his unwashed face.
“The… The usual?” he asked, tentative, and a bit worried that he found this vaguely charming.
Daniel nodded, or his head lolled. The movement was very twitchy. “But I’ll have it to-go. I have a meeting,” he glanced at the time, “that I’m late for. But I needed a cup of your coffee. Need. Really need.”
“O-Oh! Coming-Coming right up!” Hyukjae answered, hurriedly turning to fill the order and not to hide the heat he could feel rising in his cheeks.
As Hyukjae started up the espresso, he remarked, as casually as he could, “So you’ve been busy these days?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Daniel sighed, leaning a hip on the counter. “Finals are coming up in a couple weeks and the students are tossing me all over the place to look over their papers. They’re actually coming to office hours, probably ‘cause most of them failed their last take-home. And the professor read those poem assignments I showed you and turned them into essay assignments. Such a hell to grade. Didn’t leave my office for two fucking days!” He froze at that point, catching himself waving a wildly animate two fingers around, then slowly moved to rub his neck in awkwardness.
“Sorry,” he apologized.
“It’s okay!” Hyukjae offered, overwhelmed by the rush of words. But he couldn’t deny that contentment rolled through his stomach hearing Daniel speak so openly to him. It was his imagination that Daniel’s soft smirk was filled with anything more than easy affability.
Junsu’s advice was pinging around Hyukjae’s brain as he jettisoned hot water into the stiff paper cup.
“Here you go, hyungnim.”
Daniel grabbed a cup sleeve to slip onto the hot container, setting down the bundle he had been holding onto the counter. At the top lay a flier to a special lecture event for the School of Humanities, hosted by the Literature Department.
“What’s that for?” Hyukjae couldn’t help asking.
“Oh, this? This is information for a thing I’m required to attend. The professor I’m under is the coordinator and I need to help keep track of the students coming in for extra credit.”
“A lecture? What’s-What’s the topic?”
“Poetry,” Daniel smiled. “Are you interested? It’s at 8pm tonight. You’re not working, right?”
“Yeah. No, I get off at noon today. It sounds like fun.”
“Oh good. I guess… here. You can have this.” He handed Hyukjae the leaflet and headed towards the exit. “I’ll see you tonight then.”
“Yeah… I’ll see you… then,” Hyukjae breathed, the paper softening in his sweaty clutches.
-
He hadn’t stepped foot on campus since the day he withdrew. It had been months and he still knew his way around, with only a bit of difficulty. That new lab building that they were raising in his last quarter had been completed and in the dark of night, Hyukjae almost couldn’t recognize the new paths they had constructed.
The changes didn't help his anxiety.
Nervousness. Distress, worry, panic. Name the emotion and, odds were, Hyukjae felt it.
From the moment Daniel walked out the door of the café with the sounds of bells bidding him farewell, up to the second Hyukjae found his way through the double doors of the finally familiar sight of the lecture hall, every nerve in his body was abuzz with fear. The fear of coming back into a class environment, of seeing Daniel outside of the café. Hyukjae never thought that those two scenarios could intertwine and now, it was like he had crossed into the fifth dimension, between the pit of his fears and the summit of his knowledge.
He took a quick look around before descending the aisle, Daniel nowhere in sight.
His legs were vaguely shaking as he took a seat off to the side-close enough to see the front clearly, but far back enough to not get caught falling asleep. Just in case.
“Hey, you made it,” Daniel said, from the row behind.
Hyukjae tensed for a split second and rambled, “Yeah, the literature buff in me can't stay away, I guess.”
Daniel grinned, climbing into the seat left of Hyukjae. “Lit buff. Really.”
“My major.”
“So I’m your sunbae. I am somehow not surprised,” Daniel smirked.
His laidback demeanor was comforting, the way he dressed in his usual careless manner, unfussy. He looked more cleaned up than he was this morning. Hyukjae relaxed, but he was still afraid to look at Daniel directly, and he turned his attention to the front where a professor, maybe 30-something, was heading to the podium.
Daniel leaned over, whispering, “That’s my boss.”
Hyukjae turned, almost a little too quickly, and barely, just barely brushed Daniel’s cheek with the tip of his nose.
“Oh, sorry!” he whispered, turning back.
“No, it’s oka-“
“Welcome! Everyone! Thank you, thank you for…”
In his peripheral vision, Hyukjae could see Daniel sit up straighter, farther, from him. Tilting just a touch to the side, he could see nothing but a face of concentration. His imagination supplied a tinge of pink, where his nose had touched.
Maybe it wasn’t his imagination.
He brushed away the thought like dandruff off his shoulder, and focused all his attention to the front.
-
“And so concludes our events for the night. We've had quite a party, so designated drivers, everyone! Thank you and good night,” the professor bowed.
The applause was short, but full and held sincerity, on Hyukjae’s part at the least.
The lecturer, Lee, was vivacious. The way he conveyed his thoughts indicated a quick wit and sharp mind. The puns and jokes throughout had bordered on cheap, but it was appealing and captivating. Not only that, but his spin on poetic theories were so fresh.
“Do you want to meet him?” Daniel motioned towards the podium. “Come on.”
A part of Hyukjae, a tiny, miniscule, hidden part of him, wanted to say no. No, thank you, but he needed to go home and despair at his lack of talent, his ambiguous future. He wasn’t given the choice however, as Daniel threw an arm over his shoulders and guided him down.
“Daniel!” The professor waved them over. “Come over here! What'd you think? The crowd was wild,” he beamed.
“Oh, yes, I thought tonight went great. You were the usual, and the creativity techniques introduced were very helpful.”
“That’s a relief. Oh, did you get those leeches down? Maybe I should have them write a paper on this.”
“That’s more work for us though. We already have their names, and most of them seemed to have paid the utmost attention. Let’em off,” Daniel implored, lips twitching upward.
The professor shook his head and waved a hand. “Fine, fine. They learn what they want to learn anyways.”
Daniel chuckled and slipped his arm from Hyukjae. “Oh, speaking of learning, you remember that friend I was talking about,” he said, putting a hand on Hyukjae’s shoulder. Hyukjae ignored the prickly sensation the touch gave him; he was wearing three layers of fabric, dang it.
“Oh, the one with talent up his ass.” He stuck out a congenial hand.
With eyes nearly popping out his sockets, Hyukjae twisted to look agape at Daniel and the other only looked amused.
“N-Nice to meet you,” he managed to say, taking the proffered hand.
“This is Professor Lee. Professor Lee, this is Lee Hyukjae.”
“It’s nice to put a face to words. How would you like to be mentored? I could take your talent, make it marketable-“
“Professor!” Daniel choked out, darting a hand out to stop the track of words. Hyukjae blinked as he struggled to process what just filtered through his ears.
"Okay, not marketable, but make you skilled enough so that if you want to sell out, you can, eh?" Professor Lee clicked his tongue suggestively.
“Talent?” Hyukjae asked.
“Yes, talent,” Professor Lee smiled, not paying any heed to Daniel’s strained expression. “I've seen some of your work. You're better than most of my actual students. But Daniel probably already let you in on that."
“Where have you...?”
“Where have I seen your work, you mean? It was easy to pull up your portfolio once I had your name. Our campus staff is very close knit if you haven't noticed," the professor winked, kind of in a sleazy way that Hyukjae found unbelievable coming from the university faculty. "And I probably wouldn't have noticed you, with so many students, but Daniel spoke so highly of you, I had to check you out myself. So you can thank him." Hyukjae turned to Daniel and received a shamefaced grin. He didn’t know what to say.
He might have done some rambling about being grateful or acted all puffed-up while he had still been a freshman, when he had still been exploring classical epics and poems and lyrics in agonizingly excruciating detail. When he still had hope that he could take on the monstrous task of Creating. Now, he was weighed down by the burden of his own lack of talent hindering him.
This professor was offering him what he had needed, wanted, as a first-year. He didn't know if he was worth this chance anymore.
“But… I withdrew from school,” Hyukjae tried, weak in his rejection as with his confidence.
“He’s taking time off, but he is a student of the university,” Daniel interjected, quick to step in.
Professor Lee scratched his nose, amused. “Well, I'm willing to give you special treatment, let you audit a class, 'cause I'm cool like that. Then, when you re-enroll, you could register for an independent study. I'd personally commandeer your progress.”
They both looked at him with such utter expectancy. Such… enthusiasm. Hyukjae could not deny that it was contagious, and he let his chest swell with a dose of arrogance.
But even with their gracious proposal, friendly dispositions, there was something holding him and keeping him from agreeing straightaway; he could feel his words trying to lurch from his throat, but his tongue silencing it all.
“If it’s my teaching style you’re worried about,” Professor Lee continued, “I'm not always so dead like I was up there. I was nervous, you know? Stage jitters. You're more than welcome to sit in one of my classes to check out how great I really am! Make Daniel come with you! My teaching style is pretty universal for all circumstances.” He stopped, and the animated creases above his brow softened. “Take some time. Think about it. Chances like these don't come all the time, you know."
Hyukjae returned a smile as the very candid professor gave him a hearty clap on the back before leaving to speak to other guests.
“It’s a good opportunity, you know. Lee’s on the insane side, but you’d learn a lot,” Daniel said, draping an arm over his shoulders to lead him out the doors.
Outside, it was brisk. Vestiges of the dark winter nights were still present in the air, enough to chill him through two jackets; the heat from the arm close around him was amplified tenfold as they stepped out from the stuffy lecture hall. Hyukjae made a weak effort to shrug Daniel away, but the other didn't seem to notice, only molding closer.
“So are you heading home now? Sorry this went on so late.”
Hyukjae’s lips pulled themselves into a grin. “It was fun! I had nothing else going on anyways.”
“Are you walking? I can drive you if you want,” Daniel offered.
“No, it’s okay. I'm not that far.” Even if it was really, stupidly cold and Hyukjae wanted to prolong their time together.
“Will your parents be waiting up for you at home?” asked Daniel.
“Oh, I don’t live with them,” Hyukjae replied, a little quick to assert his independence. “I’m in the apartments off-campus.”
Daniel laughed. “Oh, right, right. How about a girlfriend? No one you’re neglecting to be here?”
The pounding in Hyukjae’s chest intensified. Why did Daniel ask that? Was he trying to be friendly? Could he be interested?
“No! No, no one like that,” he answered, then grimaced when Daniel’s arm slipped away, the cold gradually seeping in.
“Really?”
“Why are you so surprised?”
“Oh, no. It’s nothing,” said Daniel, tongue in cheek, “I just know a girl that reminds me of you. If you don't have a girlfriend, maybe I could introduce you two. I think you'd go well together.”
When Daniel said that with such a genuine smile, Hyukjae smiled back, intending to refuse kindly, nothing but good humor plastered to cold cheeks and stinging, bright eyes. However, his body could not hide his disappointment, unable to loosen his fists as he answered, “No thanks, I-“ would rather go well with you.
Daniel stared for a second. “Yes?”
Hyukjae felt his cheeks turn fifteen shades of red and searched all the corners of his brain for a less incriminating excuse. “I… I. Need to go home. Thanks for tonight, bye!”
“Wait!” Daniel called out. Hyukjae turned back to have a glimpse. “There’s… There’s this other thing going on tomorrow afternoon. Would you like to go with me?”
“Yeah, of course,” he answered without thinking.
“Good,” said Daniel, “I’ll be at the café tomorrow, so we can just go together after you get off work.”
“Oh. Okay,” Hyukjae said, a bit dumbed.
That was when his brain stopped functioning for the rest of the night. He had only a vague memory of what had happened after that. There were some lame jokes about getting hit by bikes. More offers for a ride home, all of which he rejected.
One thing Hyukjae could not ask was how, why the professor was so adamant about taking him on as a student. What exactly was it that Daniel said about him to the professor to garner such, if it wasn’t too egotistical to admit, rapturous attention? In fact, it seemed that Daniel had sought the professor on his behalf. The only thing Hyukjae could think of were their conversations. He had expressed worry, fear for his future; he had been quite open about possible hopes and blurry dreams. He had never expected Daniel to be anything more than a listening ear. Daniel even seemed to have guessed his major, but Hyukjae supposed that wasn't so hard to do after so many debates on whether it was beautiful prose or social commentary that moved more hearts.
Quickly, Hyukjae surmised, as he slipped into bed, that this was a gesture of friendship. An extended helping hand. Good friends did things like that, like how Junsu persuaded him to work at Coffeehouse. He had been reluctant at first, but now he had seen the profit.
Because people... couldn't stand alone all the time.
And that thought struck home. His closest friends knew better than himself that he was the type of person to love with all his heart. He thought that he could somehow protect it just by being able to fend for himself. But he had unknowingly already depended on his friends and sometimes his family to be there for him when he needed them, and accepted their love wholeheartedly, so why was it so important to keep from loving Daniel?
Of course, he could not figure a platonic explanation for the way he felt the urge to smooth down his apron when Daniel walked into Coffeehouse, the way he hurried to fix his hair if the wind blew it awry when Daniel could see. Would he jump at the sight of a normal friend? More importantly, would a normal friend leave him the way Daniel left him, feeling motivated and inspired to do something. To write a word, a couplet, a story. To write anger, sadness, and love into the very creases of his palm. The words that they created together made him feel as if all of humanity was within his grasp.
And of course, along with this came the feeling of incompetence. In comparison, Hyukjae’s work was nothing to Daniel’s. Daniel was the goal he had yet to reach, like a love he had yet to earn the right to possess.
Did he love Daniel? The most sound, safe description he had for this strong feeling was the peak of brotherly admiration.
Maybe he was just afraid. But afraid of what? Afraid of finding out that everything he had ever wanted was within his reach? Or afraid of finding out that everything he had thought he wanted would reject him?
Hyukjae slunk into his covers, those little nagging thoughts pecking him into his dreams.
Romance/Comedy (coffeehouse!au), PG13
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Summary: After three years of college, Hyukjae decided to take a year off to "find himself." It wasn't long before he started questioning what it was he really wanted to find.
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6
“Hey… Am I… likable?”
Sungmin didn’t even flinch at the question, continuing his perusal through the latest edition of Wine Enthusiast, and stated, “If this is your way of asking me out… no.”
“Why would I want to date you? I live with you. That’s stupid,” Hyukjae retorted, the room upside down in his view. His ankles were crossed up against the wall and his head hung off the side of his bed.
“Why else would you ask me such a stupid question?” He turned a page.
“Because,” Hyukjae grumbled, “I’m just wondering if I have any… appeal. That’s all.” He felt his cheeks flush hot at the admission, blaming it on the being upside down, and regretted saying anything.
The magazine was quickly tossed aside. “Who is it? Do I know her?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t tell me it’s that crazy stalker girl from the hip hop club last year... No, wait, isn’t she dating someone? Are you guys dating?” asked Sungmin, expression harsh.
Hyukjae rolled his eyes. “No. I’m not that desperate.”
“Ah, so you admit you’re desperate,” Sungmin simpered.
“No, why aren’t you answering the question? Am I so ugly that you have to avoid the question to spare my feelings?” The conversation was going the wrong way, and he could feel the crown of his head numbing because of it. Or maybe it was the blood rushing there.
“You're so sharp, it pains me,” replied a very sarcastically pensive Sungmin. "Is something the matter? Where are your usual delusions of grandeur?"
“Ha, you're so funny. So… are you going to answer me?” Hyukjae asked, legs swooping down so that he sat upright on his bed, a look of anxiety contorting his pale face.
His roommate was very playful, but also considerate and protective. There was no reason for pause, that Hyukjae could muster, unless the answer was undesirable. “I’m… unattractive?”
Not that being unattractive to a guy was bad, but he was hoping for something more reassuring. It wasn't like he was asking if he could beat out Brad Pitt in a modeling contest (he probably could).
It was his friend’s turn to roll his eyes. “I don’t want to answer such a stupid question, but.” He paused to add a dramatic sigh. “If I were a girl and if I absolutely had to answer.” Another dramatic pause. “I might consider you somewhat attractive,” he smirked.
Hyukjae grimaced. “That doesn’t really answer the question.” He was looking for something more concrete, from another guy's perspective. He should have just asked the question rolling at the forefront of his mind. Do I look like I can attract guys?
“Oh, goodness.” Sungmin laughed, waving a careless hand and picking his magazine back up. “You’re fine, okay? Have some confidence, Hyukkie-ah.”
Hyukjae tried not to frown, knowing Sungmin didn't understand what he had really been trying to get at. “Only fine?” he joked.
"More than fine," Sungmin replied.
-
His chat with Sungmin left him upset. Maybe because he didn't know what answer he expected to hear.
Hyukjae was insecure, he knew that. He was too fixated on other people, about what they thought.
Speculating wasn’t a good activity, not with Hyukjae. Because it meant that his imagination would run wilder than a carnivore that hadn't seen meat in months.
No one needed to know what Hyukjae had speculated today.
All anyone "needed" to know was that Daniel was the only customer in the café that afternoon and Hyukjae had nothing better to do than speculate.
Perhaps awkward wasn’t quite the word Hyukjae would use to describe how he felt at this exact moment, left alone to care for the shop while everyone else had gone who knows where.
Slightly constrained, maybe. Hyukjae could feel inquisitive eyes on him as he went through his cleaning rounds. He still didn’t know whether to enjoy the attention, or fear it. Damn Junsu for not even calling in a replacement to keep him company.
“Are you still in school?” came Daniel's voice through the silence.
Hyukjae, startled, looked up from the table he was clearing up and fumbled with a cup. “Sort of? I'm taking a year off,” he responded, stacking the dirtied mugs onto his tray. “Why do you ask?”
“Because-Put that down and sit here,” Daniel ordered.
“But, hyungnim, I have to-“
“Customer service. Do I have to talk to your manager?” he said swiftly, a smile gracing a flat mouth and dark eyes.
Hyukjae stopped himself before Yes and then maybe I’ll get fired and you’ll owe me your life. Or just a job. spewed out his mouth. Instead, a contrastingly meek, “… Yes.” burbled out.
“You want me to talk to your manager?” Daniel looked bemused.
“… Yes-I mean, no… I mean… I’ll just. Sit. Here.”
As he set the dishes down and started to step towards the seat, his foot caught on a table leg and he went plopping into a chair. Luckily, the one he was aiming for, right across from the relaxed not-quite-customer.
Daniel snorted. “Nice of you to drop in,” he joked.
The room (or just Hyukjae’s face) felt a few degrees warmer. Other people that teased him about anything ended up enduring futile fistfuls of “Shut the hell up”s and “I know you are but what am I”s. But with Daniel, Hyukjae did not feel so much as embarrassed as just hopeless. No need for defensive tactics there.
He tried to hide his flush by resting his head on folded arms.
“You know, you’re just about the only person I talk to nowadays,” Daniel remarked, slouching with an arm swung behind the back of his chair.
“Oh… really,” Hyukjae replied, flush for a different reason now, and biting his lip to keep from showing his delight.
Daniel continued in a ramble, all but affecting nonchalance, “Yeah, really. With my job, I grade papers. I talk at student carcasses that hardly have the energy to walk to class, much less participate. I rarely see them in my office hours. And my housemates, don’t even get me started on them. You’re really the only one I talk to. Feel human with. But I feel like I don’t know anything about you. Other than that you work here, and talk poetry. Isn’t that weird?” He chuckled.
“Oh, that’s true. I don’t think I know too much about you either,” Hyukjae chuckled back.
Daniel's pale skin colored vaguely. “Well, why don’t we fix that?”
“… What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me something about yourself,” Daniel suggested, his wrist twisting around to the beat of his request.
“Like what?” Hyukjae blinked.
“Like…” he looked around, searching for a trigger, eyes landing on a fresh scar with skin only just beginning to peel, “Like how you got that scar. Looks like it’s got a good story to tell.”
Hyukjae looked down at where Daniel was pointing on his arm and his ears pinked. “Oh, this? It’s not… It was nothing.”
The disbelieving stare that Daniel pointed at him made him sigh, leaning back in defeat. “Okay. But... you can’t laugh.” A twitch of a smile was already showing itself on the other’s face. “I mean it, really don't,” Hyukjae said, feeling like a kicked puppy.
“I solemnly swear,” Daniel complied, holding up his hand in a sign of promise.
A wary look flashed across Hyukjae’s face.
“What? Should I promise you my firstborn or something?” Daniel joked.
“No!” Hyukjae blushed. “I mean, no,” he said, more despondent. So he planned on having kids.
That was a tunnel he didn't want his train of thought to go into. To change the subject, he mumbled out impulsively, “Iguhrunoberbyabike.”
“Wait… What?” asked Daniel, trying to make sure he heard right.
Hyukjae looked down and spoke slower, “I got run over by a bike.”
“What?” Daniel said, hearing clearly this time.
“I just… I was distracted, okay? And jaywalking. But that’s not the point. I was just trying to go home and then this crazy guy on a bike just came out of nowhere and bowled me over. It really wasn’t anything to do with clumsiness or anything,” Hyukjae tried to explain, hoping that he would be able to maintain some semblance of dignity after this.
“Wait, hold on. Hold up. Where'd this happen? What kind of bike?” Daniel inquired, his face utterly serious.
Hyukjae quirked a brow in confusion. “Why?”
“Because… I don’t know. Just-Just tell me,” he said.
“I… I’m not sure I remember. I don't know? But-but it happened in front of my building, a few blocks from here.”
“Was the guy kinda tall with an ugly face? Kinda like a fox?” Daniel asked frenzied, leaning so far forward in his chair that he practically wasn't even on it anymore. Hyukjae subconsciously leaned away.
“I don’t know. I didn’t really look at his face,” he mulled, scratching his head. “I just apologized and walked off.”
There was a pause before Daniel abrubptly laughed, sort of hysterically. “It was you. Damn, it had to be you. There's no way that--I can’t believe it.”
“What?”
Sheepish laughter quivered from his throat as he revealed, “I think… it was my housemate. Who hit you.” More disbelieving laughter. “He came home a few weeks back with, like, this bruise on his shoulder. Said he landed on it after hitting some kid with his bike and they just ran off after apologizing. He went nuts he was so irritated.”
“I-“
“Destiny,” Daniel hummed it like a thought, a light satisfaction in his tone.
Hyukjae’s mind froze. “What?”
“This is destiny, destiny,” he repeated, reveling in his discovery. "My barista getting hit by the thorn in my side, how else could it happen? When Jeongsik told me what happened, I was like, what kind of person would just walk away from something like that, and apologizing no less, when it was so obviously his stupid fault. And you have a scar so obviously you were more injured than he was, that whining bastard. I don't know how they ever let him out on the roads,” he grinned.
Hyukjae's brain was out on break or something because it wasn't processing very well. What was that about destiny again?
“Actually, it would make sense,” Daniel said bluntly, “If it was you.”
He got his bearings back hearing that, and his voice nearly broke in affront, “Why would you say that?”
A small snort cracked out from Daniel’s nose. “You’re sort of clumsy and you always seem to be apologizing for something. To be perfectly honest, I had wondered if they kept you around ‘cause you were Korea’s number one barista or something; you do make a damn good cup of coffee. But it sure as hell wasn’t for your ability to balance a tray.”
Hyukjae, ears red from the half-compliment, stammered out, “I’m not usually clumsy, hyungnim. It’s only because-“
-of you, he wanted to say. But he couldn’t just admit that so readily, and it would have made him sound like an idiot. He left the sentence dangling, not knowing what to do with himself. He settled for looking away, hands between his knees.
“Because… what?” Daniel leaned forward, tilting his head to look Hyukjae directly in the eyes as if he knew what answer to expect.
“Um,” Hyukjae somehow compelled himself to smile. “Because, those were just bad days.”
“I see,” Daniel replied, skeptical. “You must have a lot of bad days then.”
Hyukjae felt something twist in his chest. He had given a moronic excuse in exchange for another even more moronic excuse; but in comparison, it was the lesser evil.
Hyukjae was stupefied by his own cowardice. “Yeah.” He kept his smile on. “Yeah, I do.”
-
The week rolled on until a quiet Saturday evening hit. In a large college city like this, very few patrons came out that time of night. No work, no school, and exam weeks were far off enough to render caffeine-fueled all-nighter cram sessions unnecessary.
His wistful sigh turned the heads of the scarce that were there.
“Can’t you pine on your own time? Be useful. Go clean or something,” Junsu commanded.
“Who’s pining?” Hyukjae reddened.
No one was pining. So, Daniel hadn’t shown up in some days and, obviously, for anyone else, Hyukjae wouldn’t have cared, but it still wasn’t pining.
Pining was a term used for losers that wallowed in torturous obsession over things they couldn’t have. Hyukjae was not wallowing and he certainly was not torturously obsessed.
Junsu crossed his arms and stood in a stern posture. “You’ve been staring at the door for ages and I told you to clean out the pastry trays twenty minutes ago.”
Only moderately obsessed, he acceded.
“Look, Hyukkie-yah.” Junsu’s face wasn’t comforting to look at. “If you like him, then tell him. Your rain cloud of sadness is ruining the mojo in here.”
Indignity stung in Hyukjae’s chest and he huffed, “What mojo? What are you talking about? I don't like him like that. I'm perfectly happy.”
“Right, right. Look,” Junsu said, unfazed and filled with delight at his friend’s expense, “You should just confess. You’ll breathe easier, and I won’t have to watch you fall into a black pit of depression when you lose your chance.”
“I don’t-“
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Just go for it.”
Hyukjae wasn't going to win that argument, so he tried for another angle. “But what if he doesn’t like me like that?”
"So what?"
“He doesn’t like me, I'm sure of it! I mean, he’s cool and we talk about stuff, but he’s… he’s…”
Junsu shook his head like being a Doctor of Love was just so much work. “Don’t you want to see what happens?”
No. No, he did not. Hyukjae was content where he was at the moment. He was fine with being just friends.
Besides, Hyukjae liked girls. Cute, sophisticated, elegant girls that gave off a city air, wearing mid-thigh skirts that showed off long bare legs and sleek hips.
Well, sort of. They were nice to look at, but that was all they were. Look no touch. He was no lady killer, but he was cool with that (he could be a lady killer if he wanted). The point of his hiatus was to mull over what he wanted to do with his life, not what he wanted to do with girls.
Romantic relationships were too life-defining, too compromising to the independence that he had earned by getting a job and standing on his own. Without depending on others.
And that was what this was all about, wasn't it? Hyukjae speculated. He looked up to Daniel. But to love him? To love someone... To find himself loving so much that he would never be able to stand on his own. His stomach clenched at the thought.
Junsu kicked him. “Yah! Are you listening to me? Do you even have his number? I looked through your phone the other day and it wasn't there. Do you keep him under 'Sweet Honey Buns' or something?"
"You looked through my phone?" shouted Hyukjae, kicking back, more than irate.
Junsu blocked his barrage of attacks. "You did it first, you loser!"
-
The next few days were equally exciting, letting Hyukjae have more time to think to himself.
It was not until Monday that Daniel walked through the doors again, little bells above it singing like a chorus of hallelujahs, and walked straight up to the counter instead of his usual corner niche.
“Daniel-hyungnim!” exclaimed Hyukjae, tensing his legs to keep them from shaking and resisting the peculiar impulse to check his hair.
“Hyukjae…” Daniel smiled tautly, and Hyukjae noticed the extremely dark rings under his eyes, the hair visibly askew beneath a gray messenger cap, the sheen of a sleepless night plain on his unwashed face.
“The… The usual?” he asked, tentative, and a bit worried that he found this vaguely charming.
Daniel nodded, or his head lolled. The movement was very twitchy. “But I’ll have it to-go. I have a meeting,” he glanced at the time, “that I’m late for. But I needed a cup of your coffee. Need. Really need.”
“O-Oh! Coming-Coming right up!” Hyukjae answered, hurriedly turning to fill the order and not to hide the heat he could feel rising in his cheeks.
As Hyukjae started up the espresso, he remarked, as casually as he could, “So you’ve been busy these days?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Daniel sighed, leaning a hip on the counter. “Finals are coming up in a couple weeks and the students are tossing me all over the place to look over their papers. They’re actually coming to office hours, probably ‘cause most of them failed their last take-home. And the professor read those poem assignments I showed you and turned them into essay assignments. Such a hell to grade. Didn’t leave my office for two fucking days!” He froze at that point, catching himself waving a wildly animate two fingers around, then slowly moved to rub his neck in awkwardness.
“Sorry,” he apologized.
“It’s okay!” Hyukjae offered, overwhelmed by the rush of words. But he couldn’t deny that contentment rolled through his stomach hearing Daniel speak so openly to him. It was his imagination that Daniel’s soft smirk was filled with anything more than easy affability.
Junsu’s advice was pinging around Hyukjae’s brain as he jettisoned hot water into the stiff paper cup.
“Here you go, hyungnim.”
Daniel grabbed a cup sleeve to slip onto the hot container, setting down the bundle he had been holding onto the counter. At the top lay a flier to a special lecture event for the School of Humanities, hosted by the Literature Department.
“What’s that for?” Hyukjae couldn’t help asking.
“Oh, this? This is information for a thing I’m required to attend. The professor I’m under is the coordinator and I need to help keep track of the students coming in for extra credit.”
“A lecture? What’s-What’s the topic?”
“Poetry,” Daniel smiled. “Are you interested? It’s at 8pm tonight. You’re not working, right?”
“Yeah. No, I get off at noon today. It sounds like fun.”
“Oh good. I guess… here. You can have this.” He handed Hyukjae the leaflet and headed towards the exit. “I’ll see you tonight then.”
“Yeah… I’ll see you… then,” Hyukjae breathed, the paper softening in his sweaty clutches.
-
He hadn’t stepped foot on campus since the day he withdrew. It had been months and he still knew his way around, with only a bit of difficulty. That new lab building that they were raising in his last quarter had been completed and in the dark of night, Hyukjae almost couldn’t recognize the new paths they had constructed.
The changes didn't help his anxiety.
Nervousness. Distress, worry, panic. Name the emotion and, odds were, Hyukjae felt it.
From the moment Daniel walked out the door of the café with the sounds of bells bidding him farewell, up to the second Hyukjae found his way through the double doors of the finally familiar sight of the lecture hall, every nerve in his body was abuzz with fear. The fear of coming back into a class environment, of seeing Daniel outside of the café. Hyukjae never thought that those two scenarios could intertwine and now, it was like he had crossed into the fifth dimension, between the pit of his fears and the summit of his knowledge.
He took a quick look around before descending the aisle, Daniel nowhere in sight.
His legs were vaguely shaking as he took a seat off to the side-close enough to see the front clearly, but far back enough to not get caught falling asleep. Just in case.
“Hey, you made it,” Daniel said, from the row behind.
Hyukjae tensed for a split second and rambled, “Yeah, the literature buff in me can't stay away, I guess.”
Daniel grinned, climbing into the seat left of Hyukjae. “Lit buff. Really.”
“My major.”
“So I’m your sunbae. I am somehow not surprised,” Daniel smirked.
His laidback demeanor was comforting, the way he dressed in his usual careless manner, unfussy. He looked more cleaned up than he was this morning. Hyukjae relaxed, but he was still afraid to look at Daniel directly, and he turned his attention to the front where a professor, maybe 30-something, was heading to the podium.
Daniel leaned over, whispering, “That’s my boss.”
Hyukjae turned, almost a little too quickly, and barely, just barely brushed Daniel’s cheek with the tip of his nose.
“Oh, sorry!” he whispered, turning back.
“No, it’s oka-“
“Welcome! Everyone! Thank you, thank you for…”
In his peripheral vision, Hyukjae could see Daniel sit up straighter, farther, from him. Tilting just a touch to the side, he could see nothing but a face of concentration. His imagination supplied a tinge of pink, where his nose had touched.
Maybe it wasn’t his imagination.
He brushed away the thought like dandruff off his shoulder, and focused all his attention to the front.
-
“And so concludes our events for the night. We've had quite a party, so designated drivers, everyone! Thank you and good night,” the professor bowed.
The applause was short, but full and held sincerity, on Hyukjae’s part at the least.
The lecturer, Lee, was vivacious. The way he conveyed his thoughts indicated a quick wit and sharp mind. The puns and jokes throughout had bordered on cheap, but it was appealing and captivating. Not only that, but his spin on poetic theories were so fresh.
“Do you want to meet him?” Daniel motioned towards the podium. “Come on.”
A part of Hyukjae, a tiny, miniscule, hidden part of him, wanted to say no. No, thank you, but he needed to go home and despair at his lack of talent, his ambiguous future. He wasn’t given the choice however, as Daniel threw an arm over his shoulders and guided him down.
“Daniel!” The professor waved them over. “Come over here! What'd you think? The crowd was wild,” he beamed.
“Oh, yes, I thought tonight went great. You were the usual, and the creativity techniques introduced were very helpful.”
“That’s a relief. Oh, did you get those leeches down? Maybe I should have them write a paper on this.”
“That’s more work for us though. We already have their names, and most of them seemed to have paid the utmost attention. Let’em off,” Daniel implored, lips twitching upward.
The professor shook his head and waved a hand. “Fine, fine. They learn what they want to learn anyways.”
Daniel chuckled and slipped his arm from Hyukjae. “Oh, speaking of learning, you remember that friend I was talking about,” he said, putting a hand on Hyukjae’s shoulder. Hyukjae ignored the prickly sensation the touch gave him; he was wearing three layers of fabric, dang it.
“Oh, the one with talent up his ass.” He stuck out a congenial hand.
With eyes nearly popping out his sockets, Hyukjae twisted to look agape at Daniel and the other only looked amused.
“N-Nice to meet you,” he managed to say, taking the proffered hand.
“This is Professor Lee. Professor Lee, this is Lee Hyukjae.”
“It’s nice to put a face to words. How would you like to be mentored? I could take your talent, make it marketable-“
“Professor!” Daniel choked out, darting a hand out to stop the track of words. Hyukjae blinked as he struggled to process what just filtered through his ears.
"Okay, not marketable, but make you skilled enough so that if you want to sell out, you can, eh?" Professor Lee clicked his tongue suggestively.
“Talent?” Hyukjae asked.
“Yes, talent,” Professor Lee smiled, not paying any heed to Daniel’s strained expression. “I've seen some of your work. You're better than most of my actual students. But Daniel probably already let you in on that."
“Where have you...?”
“Where have I seen your work, you mean? It was easy to pull up your portfolio once I had your name. Our campus staff is very close knit if you haven't noticed," the professor winked, kind of in a sleazy way that Hyukjae found unbelievable coming from the university faculty. "And I probably wouldn't have noticed you, with so many students, but Daniel spoke so highly of you, I had to check you out myself. So you can thank him." Hyukjae turned to Daniel and received a shamefaced grin. He didn’t know what to say.
He might have done some rambling about being grateful or acted all puffed-up while he had still been a freshman, when he had still been exploring classical epics and poems and lyrics in agonizingly excruciating detail. When he still had hope that he could take on the monstrous task of Creating. Now, he was weighed down by the burden of his own lack of talent hindering him.
This professor was offering him what he had needed, wanted, as a first-year. He didn't know if he was worth this chance anymore.
“But… I withdrew from school,” Hyukjae tried, weak in his rejection as with his confidence.
“He’s taking time off, but he is a student of the university,” Daniel interjected, quick to step in.
Professor Lee scratched his nose, amused. “Well, I'm willing to give you special treatment, let you audit a class, 'cause I'm cool like that. Then, when you re-enroll, you could register for an independent study. I'd personally commandeer your progress.”
They both looked at him with such utter expectancy. Such… enthusiasm. Hyukjae could not deny that it was contagious, and he let his chest swell with a dose of arrogance.
But even with their gracious proposal, friendly dispositions, there was something holding him and keeping him from agreeing straightaway; he could feel his words trying to lurch from his throat, but his tongue silencing it all.
“If it’s my teaching style you’re worried about,” Professor Lee continued, “I'm not always so dead like I was up there. I was nervous, you know? Stage jitters. You're more than welcome to sit in one of my classes to check out how great I really am! Make Daniel come with you! My teaching style is pretty universal for all circumstances.” He stopped, and the animated creases above his brow softened. “Take some time. Think about it. Chances like these don't come all the time, you know."
Hyukjae returned a smile as the very candid professor gave him a hearty clap on the back before leaving to speak to other guests.
“It’s a good opportunity, you know. Lee’s on the insane side, but you’d learn a lot,” Daniel said, draping an arm over his shoulders to lead him out the doors.
Outside, it was brisk. Vestiges of the dark winter nights were still present in the air, enough to chill him through two jackets; the heat from the arm close around him was amplified tenfold as they stepped out from the stuffy lecture hall. Hyukjae made a weak effort to shrug Daniel away, but the other didn't seem to notice, only molding closer.
“So are you heading home now? Sorry this went on so late.”
Hyukjae’s lips pulled themselves into a grin. “It was fun! I had nothing else going on anyways.”
“Are you walking? I can drive you if you want,” Daniel offered.
“No, it’s okay. I'm not that far.” Even if it was really, stupidly cold and Hyukjae wanted to prolong their time together.
“Will your parents be waiting up for you at home?” asked Daniel.
“Oh, I don’t live with them,” Hyukjae replied, a little quick to assert his independence. “I’m in the apartments off-campus.”
Daniel laughed. “Oh, right, right. How about a girlfriend? No one you’re neglecting to be here?”
The pounding in Hyukjae’s chest intensified. Why did Daniel ask that? Was he trying to be friendly? Could he be interested?
“No! No, no one like that,” he answered, then grimaced when Daniel’s arm slipped away, the cold gradually seeping in.
“Really?”
“Why are you so surprised?”
“Oh, no. It’s nothing,” said Daniel, tongue in cheek, “I just know a girl that reminds me of you. If you don't have a girlfriend, maybe I could introduce you two. I think you'd go well together.”
When Daniel said that with such a genuine smile, Hyukjae smiled back, intending to refuse kindly, nothing but good humor plastered to cold cheeks and stinging, bright eyes. However, his body could not hide his disappointment, unable to loosen his fists as he answered, “No thanks, I-“ would rather go well with you.
Daniel stared for a second. “Yes?”
Hyukjae felt his cheeks turn fifteen shades of red and searched all the corners of his brain for a less incriminating excuse. “I… I. Need to go home. Thanks for tonight, bye!”
“Wait!” Daniel called out. Hyukjae turned back to have a glimpse. “There’s… There’s this other thing going on tomorrow afternoon. Would you like to go with me?”
“Yeah, of course,” he answered without thinking.
“Good,” said Daniel, “I’ll be at the café tomorrow, so we can just go together after you get off work.”
“Oh. Okay,” Hyukjae said, a bit dumbed.
That was when his brain stopped functioning for the rest of the night. He had only a vague memory of what had happened after that. There were some lame jokes about getting hit by bikes. More offers for a ride home, all of which he rejected.
One thing Hyukjae could not ask was how, why the professor was so adamant about taking him on as a student. What exactly was it that Daniel said about him to the professor to garner such, if it wasn’t too egotistical to admit, rapturous attention? In fact, it seemed that Daniel had sought the professor on his behalf. The only thing Hyukjae could think of were their conversations. He had expressed worry, fear for his future; he had been quite open about possible hopes and blurry dreams. He had never expected Daniel to be anything more than a listening ear. Daniel even seemed to have guessed his major, but Hyukjae supposed that wasn't so hard to do after so many debates on whether it was beautiful prose or social commentary that moved more hearts.
Quickly, Hyukjae surmised, as he slipped into bed, that this was a gesture of friendship. An extended helping hand. Good friends did things like that, like how Junsu persuaded him to work at Coffeehouse. He had been reluctant at first, but now he had seen the profit.
Because people... couldn't stand alone all the time.
And that thought struck home. His closest friends knew better than himself that he was the type of person to love with all his heart. He thought that he could somehow protect it just by being able to fend for himself. But he had unknowingly already depended on his friends and sometimes his family to be there for him when he needed them, and accepted their love wholeheartedly, so why was it so important to keep from loving Daniel?
Of course, he could not figure a platonic explanation for the way he felt the urge to smooth down his apron when Daniel walked into Coffeehouse, the way he hurried to fix his hair if the wind blew it awry when Daniel could see. Would he jump at the sight of a normal friend? More importantly, would a normal friend leave him the way Daniel left him, feeling motivated and inspired to do something. To write a word, a couplet, a story. To write anger, sadness, and love into the very creases of his palm. The words that they created together made him feel as if all of humanity was within his grasp.
And of course, along with this came the feeling of incompetence. In comparison, Hyukjae’s work was nothing to Daniel’s. Daniel was the goal he had yet to reach, like a love he had yet to earn the right to possess.
Did he love Daniel? The most sound, safe description he had for this strong feeling was the peak of brotherly admiration.
Maybe he was just afraid. But afraid of what? Afraid of finding out that everything he had ever wanted was within his reach? Or afraid of finding out that everything he had thought he wanted would reject him?
Hyukjae slunk into his covers, those little nagging thoughts pecking him into his dreams.