I think it's too choppy, it needs to flow a little better. The beginning, just begins... it makes you feel confused. I think a tad bit of prep is necessary, but not too much or you'll end up like one of those authors who doesn't get to the actual story until chapter 4. Also, I military man would never have long hair, throughout history, long hair is an extreme disadvantage.
"He was standing over me now, blocking my escape, yet his tone was very calm, exact." I think that would go without saying, he's the one in power in this situation, if you want to bring attention to his tone perhaps give it some underlying emotion, something like his tone was bland, uncaring/uninterested in what was going on...
Overall I think you have an intriguing story line and I agree with Jenn it is very powerful and moving.
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"He was standing over me now, blocking my escape, yet his tone was very calm, exact." I think that would go without saying, he's the one in power in this situation, if you want to bring attention to his tone perhaps give it some underlying emotion, something like his tone was bland, uncaring/uninterested in what was going on...
Overall I think you have an intriguing story line and I agree with Jenn it is very powerful and moving.
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