White sparrows (carried you away)
Title: White sparrows (carried you away)
Pairing: Suho/Chanyeol[Spoiler (click to open)](later Chanyeol/Lay)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 1356 words
Warning: brief mention of suicidal thoughts
Summary: A series of times where Chanyeol visits Junmyeon's grave.
Notes: This is (yet another) follow-up to See my dreams all die because I just couldn't leave this universe alone. I recommend reading the first one and maybe this follow-up before reading this.
“Hey, Junmyeon. It’s been two months. I’m sorry I didn’t visit. I… I was in denial. Hard. I’ve been pretty bad since you left, but the guys have been very patient with me. I’m lucky to have them. Baekhyun came here with me. He's talking to his grandma. Did you know he and Jongdae were dating? Or something like that. I may have accidentally walked in on them doing the deed and, like, I’m happy for them, but I’d like to not see that again.
You would have laughed at that.
I miss your laugh. I wish you’d come back to me so I could hear your beautiful laugh again. I know it’s not possible, but I really wish you would. You’re the one for me, you always were. I just can’t get over how abruptly it all happened. It keeps replaying in my head, and it doesn’t make sense to me because you could be….alive. But you’re not.
It wasn't your fault. Except it was, at least partially. Were you never taught about safety in traffic when you were a kid? Why did you-why didn't you look up? It's not that hard, Junmyeon. You could still be here if you'd just looked up and that damn driver had just-
--Oh man, I'm-I'm crying again. I'm so sorry, I just really miss you. I've never-cried this much over anything, I hope you feel very guilty about this.
Baekhyun's staring at me. He's still with his grandma, so he won't hear it if you talk to me, I promise.
Please talk to me.
...I guess not.
I’m leaving now. Baek is waiting. I’ll be back. I love you.”
--
“Hey, Junmyeon. It’s me again. I brought some jasmines. It’s kind of a bad memory but you always liked them.
I got that scholarship that I applied for. When I got the notice, I got so happy and I was ready to go tell you but then I remembered that you weren’t around. I do that sometimes. At least you’re here, right? I’m glad I have some way to talk to you. It’s not much comfort, but it's better than the silence at home.”
--
“I’m really not feeling very good lately, Junmyeon. I cried this morning, and you know I’m not usually a crier. I just keep waking up in a bad mood and I turn around, expecting you to be there. It ruins my day when I don’t see you there. Why aren’t you there? Why did you-leave me here alone?
I’d do anything to get you back.
I’ve considered...leaving...but I know you would be so mad at me if I did. And it would be disrespectful towards you. I’ll stay. I will.
I thought things were getting better but I just miss you so much. You were my world, you know. My everything. I could see us together from the moment we met. It was like everything made sense, all of a sudden. We were so close to getting our happy life together like we’d planned….So why this? Why did it happen? Why do I have to come here like a widower who never got married, talking to my dead almost-husband?
I’m sorry. I don’t want to cry again.
The guys fill the silence at home. You know how loud they get. They’re not over losing you either but at least they’re able to keep their minds off it. They try to do it for me too, but even though they fill the silence I’m unable to listen to them for long and I just feel isolated from everything. It’s like everywhere they aren’t is dead silent and it’s terrifying.
I wish you were here. All I have is this bouquet. More jasmines. Not sure why I do this to myself.”
-
“Hey, Junmyeon. I dyed my hair gray and straightened it. Everything reminds me of you, even the curls I used to have in my hair, and I just needed it to go away.
I’ve been thinking about that day a lot. It all just...It happened so fast. One second you were walking, and the next you were on the ground. And I was meant to be the one to warm you up, but I failed. You died...You died cold….I'm so sorry-”
--
“I passed our old diner today, where we used to meet for lunch. I went in and sat for a while, but then I remembered that you wouldn’t be coming, so I left. The food doesn’t taste the same, anyway.”
--
“These jasmines... I don't know why I bring so many of them. This place is full of them. I shouldn't do that. They're the reason you died, after all. They should be blamed. Not you, not me, not-
Okay, maybe me-for getting distracted and telling you to go on. It's not because of the flowers-oh God, I'm so sorry-it's my fault-I-why did I ruin everything-everything I ever cared about-”
-
“If I just lie down here on the ground, will it feel like I'm lying next to you again? I miss being close to you, Junmyeon. I miss-I-I need-I need you to-come back-”
--
“Maybe I'm cursed. Maybe I was never meant to have love.
Did you even love me, Junmyeon? Why would you leave me if you loved me?”
--
“Why did you have to leave? I miss you so much, Junmyeon. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I-”
--
“Junmyeon-Jun-myeon-”
--
“Hey, Junmyeon. It's been a while. Three months, to be specific. Sorry. I had a really bad breakdown. I'm starting to feel better now.
I don't know what I would do without our friends. They've been so helpful, trying to fill the void of emptiness that you left me with. It won't ever go away, of course. At least not fully. But I've managed to get my mind off it more. I hope you're proud of me. You wouldn't want me to be miserable forever. That would make you an awful ex-fiancee and that's not the Junmyeon I fell in love with.
Speaking of love...the reason I'm able to take my mind off you nowadays...I met someone. His name is Yixing and he's Sehun's Chinese tutor. He's very sweet. I think I like him but I feel...I still feel guilty. I don't want to forget you. I still love you more than anyone can understand but I think Yixing is good for me. He understands that I've been going through a hard time and he helps me so much. I don’t want to feel this guilt. You want me to be happy, right? I hope you're okay with it. You're always in my heart.
Baekhyun and Jongdae came with me today. They’re official now. They’re holding hands and it’s kind of gross. I want to hold hands with someone again. Since I can’t hold yours, I hope you’ll be okay with me holding Yixing’s. I promise I won't forget you and that I'll keep visiting. Promise.
Love you.”
--
“Hi again. I brought Yixing-hyung today-say hi to Junmyeon!”
“Hello, Junmyeon-ssi, it's a pleasure!”
“I thought you might want to meet the guy who's helped me out lately. Yixing has been amazingly supportive and very understanding.”
“I only did what anyone else would do…”
“No, no, hyung. I’m very lucky to have you here. Don’t listen to him, Junmyeon, he’s actually wonderful and he deserves credit.”
“Thanks, Chanyeol.”
“Thanks yourself.”
“I’ll leave you two alone for a bit, okay?”
“-See, Junmyeon? I think you would approve of Yixing. At least I’m glad to have someone I can rely on these days. I don’t love him the way I loved you. I don’t think I ever can love anyone that way. He knows, though, and he’s okay with it. I wouldn’t give him false hope. But I think I’ll finally be okay.
I can be okay now. Like you would want me to.
I should go now. Love you.”
Pairing: Suho/Chanyeol[Spoiler (click to open)](later Chanyeol/Lay)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 1356 words
Warning: brief mention of suicidal thoughts
Summary: A series of times where Chanyeol visits Junmyeon's grave.
Notes: This is (yet another) follow-up to See my dreams all die because I just couldn't leave this universe alone. I recommend reading the first one and maybe this follow-up before reading this.
“Hey, Junmyeon. It’s been two months. I’m sorry I didn’t visit. I… I was in denial. Hard. I’ve been pretty bad since you left, but the guys have been very patient with me. I’m lucky to have them. Baekhyun came here with me. He's talking to his grandma. Did you know he and Jongdae were dating? Or something like that. I may have accidentally walked in on them doing the deed and, like, I’m happy for them, but I’d like to not see that again.
You would have laughed at that.
I miss your laugh. I wish you’d come back to me so I could hear your beautiful laugh again. I know it’s not possible, but I really wish you would. You’re the one for me, you always were. I just can’t get over how abruptly it all happened. It keeps replaying in my head, and it doesn’t make sense to me because you could be….alive. But you’re not.
It wasn't your fault. Except it was, at least partially. Were you never taught about safety in traffic when you were a kid? Why did you-why didn't you look up? It's not that hard, Junmyeon. You could still be here if you'd just looked up and that damn driver had just-
--Oh man, I'm-I'm crying again. I'm so sorry, I just really miss you. I've never-cried this much over anything, I hope you feel very guilty about this.
Baekhyun's staring at me. He's still with his grandma, so he won't hear it if you talk to me, I promise.
Please talk to me.
...I guess not.
I’m leaving now. Baek is waiting. I’ll be back. I love you.”
--
“Hey, Junmyeon. It’s me again. I brought some jasmines. It’s kind of a bad memory but you always liked them.
I got that scholarship that I applied for. When I got the notice, I got so happy and I was ready to go tell you but then I remembered that you weren’t around. I do that sometimes. At least you’re here, right? I’m glad I have some way to talk to you. It’s not much comfort, but it's better than the silence at home.”
--
“I’m really not feeling very good lately, Junmyeon. I cried this morning, and you know I’m not usually a crier. I just keep waking up in a bad mood and I turn around, expecting you to be there. It ruins my day when I don’t see you there. Why aren’t you there? Why did you-leave me here alone?
I’d do anything to get you back.
I’ve considered...leaving...but I know you would be so mad at me if I did. And it would be disrespectful towards you. I’ll stay. I will.
I thought things were getting better but I just miss you so much. You were my world, you know. My everything. I could see us together from the moment we met. It was like everything made sense, all of a sudden. We were so close to getting our happy life together like we’d planned….So why this? Why did it happen? Why do I have to come here like a widower who never got married, talking to my dead almost-husband?
I’m sorry. I don’t want to cry again.
The guys fill the silence at home. You know how loud they get. They’re not over losing you either but at least they’re able to keep their minds off it. They try to do it for me too, but even though they fill the silence I’m unable to listen to them for long and I just feel isolated from everything. It’s like everywhere they aren’t is dead silent and it’s terrifying.
I wish you were here. All I have is this bouquet. More jasmines. Not sure why I do this to myself.”
-
“Hey, Junmyeon. I dyed my hair gray and straightened it. Everything reminds me of you, even the curls I used to have in my hair, and I just needed it to go away.
I’ve been thinking about that day a lot. It all just...It happened so fast. One second you were walking, and the next you were on the ground. And I was meant to be the one to warm you up, but I failed. You died...You died cold….I'm so sorry-”
--
“I passed our old diner today, where we used to meet for lunch. I went in and sat for a while, but then I remembered that you wouldn’t be coming, so I left. The food doesn’t taste the same, anyway.”
--
“These jasmines... I don't know why I bring so many of them. This place is full of them. I shouldn't do that. They're the reason you died, after all. They should be blamed. Not you, not me, not-
Okay, maybe me-for getting distracted and telling you to go on. It's not because of the flowers-oh God, I'm so sorry-it's my fault-I-why did I ruin everything-everything I ever cared about-”
-
“If I just lie down here on the ground, will it feel like I'm lying next to you again? I miss being close to you, Junmyeon. I miss-I-I need-I need you to-come back-”
--
“Maybe I'm cursed. Maybe I was never meant to have love.
Did you even love me, Junmyeon? Why would you leave me if you loved me?”
--
“Why did you have to leave? I miss you so much, Junmyeon. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I-”
--
“Junmyeon-Jun-myeon-”
--
“Hey, Junmyeon. It's been a while. Three months, to be specific. Sorry. I had a really bad breakdown. I'm starting to feel better now.
I don't know what I would do without our friends. They've been so helpful, trying to fill the void of emptiness that you left me with. It won't ever go away, of course. At least not fully. But I've managed to get my mind off it more. I hope you're proud of me. You wouldn't want me to be miserable forever. That would make you an awful ex-fiancee and that's not the Junmyeon I fell in love with.
Speaking of love...the reason I'm able to take my mind off you nowadays...I met someone. His name is Yixing and he's Sehun's Chinese tutor. He's very sweet. I think I like him but I feel...I still feel guilty. I don't want to forget you. I still love you more than anyone can understand but I think Yixing is good for me. He understands that I've been going through a hard time and he helps me so much. I don’t want to feel this guilt. You want me to be happy, right? I hope you're okay with it. You're always in my heart.
Baekhyun and Jongdae came with me today. They’re official now. They’re holding hands and it’s kind of gross. I want to hold hands with someone again. Since I can’t hold yours, I hope you’ll be okay with me holding Yixing’s. I promise I won't forget you and that I'll keep visiting. Promise.
Love you.”
--
“Hi again. I brought Yixing-hyung today-say hi to Junmyeon!”
“Hello, Junmyeon-ssi, it's a pleasure!”
“I thought you might want to meet the guy who's helped me out lately. Yixing has been amazingly supportive and very understanding.”
“I only did what anyone else would do…”
“No, no, hyung. I’m very lucky to have you here. Don’t listen to him, Junmyeon, he’s actually wonderful and he deserves credit.”
“Thanks, Chanyeol.”
“Thanks yourself.”
“I’ll leave you two alone for a bit, okay?”
“-See, Junmyeon? I think you would approve of Yixing. At least I’m glad to have someone I can rely on these days. I don’t love him the way I loved you. I don’t think I ever can love anyone that way. He knows, though, and he’s okay with it. I wouldn’t give him false hope. But I think I’ll finally be okay.
I can be okay now. Like you would want me to.
I should go now. Love you.”