(no subject)
Mom didn't get the job.
What's the point of me going off to school when I'm not even sure I will have a home to come back to?
My dad is really sick. My mom is always crying. My sister is as crazy as a loon. My brother barely talks to us anymore.
I am worried and tired and sick, and I feel so awful all the time. I literally gave my parents what money I had so that we could get by for two months--two fucking months.
We can't pay the bills. No one hires a 54-year-old woman who has not had a job in twelve years because she was taking care of her damned mother. Dad is too sick to work. I'm pretty sure that if he tried, he would have a fucking stroke. All Laura does is take and take and take money and food that we CANNOT spare. Every time she spends a day here, there is drama, and none of us can take it anymore.
I can't get a job. Even if I wasn't about to go back to school, no one has hired me. I put in forty job applications this summer, and I never so much as once received a call back. I feel so worthless.
I don't money for food. I don't have money for gas. I don't have money to help my parents out.
And when I try to talk to my mom about her finding a job through some way other than the internet, all she does is snap at me and cry even more. I don't need to be told that she doesn't have the money for gas to drive around, looking for a job. I don't need to be reminded that my dad is sick. I don't need to be reminded that we have NO FUCKING CLUE how we are going to keep surviving.
Yet, that's all I get when I try to talk to her.
What use am I? I can't even be happy as of late. I am so sad all the time. I'm exhausted and beaten to the bone by life. All I do is fail, and it's because of that that I'm terrified that even if I do get a college degree, I won't be able to get a job, that I won't succeed in life.
Most of all, I hate that even though my family has helped people out for years upon years, only a few of those people have helped us when we needed it. Those who helped, you know who you are, and I don't know if you'll ever understand how grateful I am, but I am forever in your debt.
I know the economy is bad, but only four people came to look at our house during the entire time it was under contract. Houses sold all around us. Our realtor did nothing to promote our house even during the times he set up an "open house" for us. Putting up advertisement signs two minutes beforehand does not count.
All of our problems could have been solved if our house had sold.
I hate that man so much.
We could have had a break from stress, and my mom would have been able to go job hunting without the fear of finding herself stranded on the side of the road with no one to rescue her. I could gone to school knowing that I could afford to make it there and wouldn't end up in a similar situation. As the case is now, I will be hard-pressed not to make that a reality.
I don't have anyone else to ask for favors. There are people that owe me money, but they don't seem to have funding themselves at the moment. As awful as it is, I doubt I'll ever be reimbursed by them.
To build up funding to support my family, I have tried time and again to sell my belongings. I have numerous DVDs, manga, and video games that are in great shape. But people are fuckers and don't follow through when they say they want something.
I'm just tired of life. I feel like I've reached a dead end. Even with a degree in English Education, I can't do much, especially in Oklahoma. It'll take me years upon years to pay back my loans with that piss poor salary they allot to the teachers of tomorrow's future. It's something I want to do; I love to teach!
It's not practical, though. There's no guarantee I will find a job. There's no guarantee I can even keep a job. I like to think the English language is my forte, but I doubt I am as good with words as I like to think I am. I'm not good with anything, really. I have no skills worthy of even a grain of salt. I have no confidence in myself.
Seriously, sometimes I wonder if things would be better if I just spontaneously croaked back during high school. It came so close to happening. I almost didn't live to be eighteen, much less the twenty-one I am now. As it is, it's highly likely I won't live a long life; I have too many health problems, a ridiculous amount for someone my age: high blood pressure, diabetes, anemia, degenerative bones, hydrocephalus in my brain, severe allergies to everything--you name it, I probably stand a chance of developing it. That's not to say that I don't want to live, though.
I just wonder.
A lot, recently.
I like being able to stand on my own two feet. I like being able to walk forward under sheer will power, despite how I often feel like curling up in bed and never waking again. I like trying to find solutions to life's problems.
I just wish a solution would arrive soon.
What's the point of me going off to school when I'm not even sure I will have a home to come back to?
My dad is really sick. My mom is always crying. My sister is as crazy as a loon. My brother barely talks to us anymore.
I am worried and tired and sick, and I feel so awful all the time. I literally gave my parents what money I had so that we could get by for two months--two fucking months.
We can't pay the bills. No one hires a 54-year-old woman who has not had a job in twelve years because she was taking care of her damned mother. Dad is too sick to work. I'm pretty sure that if he tried, he would have a fucking stroke. All Laura does is take and take and take money and food that we CANNOT spare. Every time she spends a day here, there is drama, and none of us can take it anymore.
I can't get a job. Even if I wasn't about to go back to school, no one has hired me. I put in forty job applications this summer, and I never so much as once received a call back. I feel so worthless.
I don't money for food. I don't have money for gas. I don't have money to help my parents out.
And when I try to talk to my mom about her finding a job through some way other than the internet, all she does is snap at me and cry even more. I don't need to be told that she doesn't have the money for gas to drive around, looking for a job. I don't need to be reminded that my dad is sick. I don't need to be reminded that we have NO FUCKING CLUE how we are going to keep surviving.
Yet, that's all I get when I try to talk to her.
What use am I? I can't even be happy as of late. I am so sad all the time. I'm exhausted and beaten to the bone by life. All I do is fail, and it's because of that that I'm terrified that even if I do get a college degree, I won't be able to get a job, that I won't succeed in life.
Most of all, I hate that even though my family has helped people out for years upon years, only a few of those people have helped us when we needed it. Those who helped, you know who you are, and I don't know if you'll ever understand how grateful I am, but I am forever in your debt.
I know the economy is bad, but only four people came to look at our house during the entire time it was under contract. Houses sold all around us. Our realtor did nothing to promote our house even during the times he set up an "open house" for us. Putting up advertisement signs two minutes beforehand does not count.
All of our problems could have been solved if our house had sold.
I hate that man so much.
We could have had a break from stress, and my mom would have been able to go job hunting without the fear of finding herself stranded on the side of the road with no one to rescue her. I could gone to school knowing that I could afford to make it there and wouldn't end up in a similar situation. As the case is now, I will be hard-pressed not to make that a reality.
I don't have anyone else to ask for favors. There are people that owe me money, but they don't seem to have funding themselves at the moment. As awful as it is, I doubt I'll ever be reimbursed by them.
To build up funding to support my family, I have tried time and again to sell my belongings. I have numerous DVDs, manga, and video games that are in great shape. But people are fuckers and don't follow through when they say they want something.
I'm just tired of life. I feel like I've reached a dead end. Even with a degree in English Education, I can't do much, especially in Oklahoma. It'll take me years upon years to pay back my loans with that piss poor salary they allot to the teachers of tomorrow's future. It's something I want to do; I love to teach!
It's not practical, though. There's no guarantee I will find a job. There's no guarantee I can even keep a job. I like to think the English language is my forte, but I doubt I am as good with words as I like to think I am. I'm not good with anything, really. I have no skills worthy of even a grain of salt. I have no confidence in myself.
Seriously, sometimes I wonder if things would be better if I just spontaneously croaked back during high school. It came so close to happening. I almost didn't live to be eighteen, much less the twenty-one I am now. As it is, it's highly likely I won't live a long life; I have too many health problems, a ridiculous amount for someone my age: high blood pressure, diabetes, anemia, degenerative bones, hydrocephalus in my brain, severe allergies to everything--you name it, I probably stand a chance of developing it. That's not to say that I don't want to live, though.
I just wonder.
A lot, recently.
I like being able to stand on my own two feet. I like being able to walk forward under sheer will power, despite how I often feel like curling up in bed and never waking again. I like trying to find solutions to life's problems.
I just wish a solution would arrive soon.