Meh.
My shunt disagrees with Oklahoma's recent weather. Each time a front moves in and brings along the ever-dreaded concoction called snow, I can feel the building pressure in my head, and the busted blood vessels in my eyes and the erratic throb of my heartbeat in my ears are testaments to it. Not to mention that I've had pressure headaches like woah recently. Dislike.
All of this constant pressure-relief crap going on with my head has been making me sleep more than I should. It has also caused me to put off all of my homework because I cannot stand to read for long periods of time, even with my reading glasses. My eyes just ache, and if I concentrate too hard on anything in my field of vision, blood vessels pop. I mean, I can clear that shit up with eye drops, but that effing stings. Also, even if I suffered the constant abuse of fixing my horribly bloody-looking eyes, I don't think it's good for me to be constantly using eye drops. I'm fairly certain there are warnings against that. D:
Aside from that, the pressure in my head is causing my neck muscles to retaliate around the shunt tube, tensing and knotting up until I literally cannot bend my neck. Mom had to give me a forty-five minute neck rub the other day just so that I could move my head. That is some massive BS. I hate winter, and I hate this shunt, even though it's technically the thing that is keeping me alive.
Regardless, that shunt causes me all sorts of problems, and oh god, when my muscles lock up around the tube, I can feel it slide against them under my skin. I can handle the sensation of nails on a chalkboard with no problem, but this sensation is something else entirely. It's like...
Well, imagine that someone has a long, thin plastic tube. Now imagine that said plastic tube has been inserted into your skull, just under your scalp; it leaves a large lump on your head, too. Imagine that it runs underneath your scalp, just a few mere inches back behind your temple, winding its way down back behind your ear where it slinks just under the skin of your neck, and think about how it is forced down and wound through your ribcage, and then inserted into your stomach.
Now, imagine that if you tilt your head to the left, you feel the tubing under the skin of your neck tighten before releasing enough that you can, in fact, complete that action. The tubing shifts upwards, feeling like a small, thin snake slithering and propelling itself upwards between your skin and muscles.
If you tilt your head to the right, imagine feeling blinding pain as the tubing fails to slide downward, subsequently causing it to bow against the skin and muscles that hold it in place.
Imagine what it would feel like to look down or up now that you know what it feels like to look from side to side, and think of every other movement you make that causes that tubing to shift: standing up straight, slouching, reaching up, reaching down, bending down, resting your head on a pillow.
I feel this every day, regardless of how careful my movements are. It's why I don't sleep well. It's why when I'm alone, I find myself shaking with pain at times, not only due to the blinding headaches that come and go with the weather but also because of the tear-jerking agony that comes with almost any physical movement.
I realize this sounds super melodramatic, but I'm not exaggerating. I pride myself on my tolerance for pain; it is very high. I can put up a front all I want, but when I am alone, I can shake and shiver, bite my lip, and cry while holding a position to get that damned tubing to loosen or contract.
I've only recently told my mom that this is what I feel, and she looked so distraught that I almost wish I hadn't--but I felt the need to explain why my moods are being so jumpy. It's hard to be pleasant when you want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and just bite the dust at times due to physical pain, not to mention emotional aggravation, as well.
Speaking of which, if my blood pressure spikes for any reason, especially due to frustration, my shunt is affected. If anemia strikes me particularly hard, my shunt is affected. If my blood sugar acts up by going too high or too low, my shunt is affected.
All in all, even though I know it's keeping me alive, I often just feel so miserable that I just don't want to be. Half of the dramatic "Why am I still alive" posts I make are because of this. Honestly, I don't mean to worry anyone with those; I just need a place to vent sometimes because I know that everything I've typed here makes people uncomfortable. I won't lie; it's something that made me uncomfortable at first, too, but I've progressed to the point where I can simply say, "Hey, yeah. My shunt keeps me alive. My brain tried to commit suicide, so that's why I have it." It's not a big deal to me anymore if anyone asks, but it is a big deal if I feel like I'm forcing the topic upon unwilling audiences.
That's one of the reasons I warned this cut probably wasn't for the squeamish. :| Sorry. I think I'm done ranting about this matter now, so on to other subjects!
I want to go back to school. I am tired of being stranded here at home because of the ice-laden streets around my neighborhood. I want to attend classes. I want to have motivation to complete my homework. I've been ignoring it because I haven't felt well for a while, but I've also been ignoring it because, well, when I can't attend class, I can't physically turn in my assignments, which is the preferred method of all of my instructors. Lame. I want the snow to go away, but we're supposed to be receiving another eight inches today. :/
My car needs a $500+ repair. I don't know what to do about this.
I want to start working on cosplay, but I think my van comes first in priority now, although I have to wait for OTAG to apply to my financial aid before I can do anything repair-wise for my beloved automobile.
I need to write four papers by Friday. I need to do a biology lab, write up a report for the aforementioned lab, take a two-hour test, and take a one-hour quiz by Sunday. Then, next week consists of washing, rinsing, and repeating that lovely schedule, attending Bollywood club, attending the SAFE (formerly YAG) meeting, and possibly finally moving to Haskell Hall. :| Jeez.
Also, I made a deviantART account earlier this week. I've only uploaded my current favorites from my stock of art, but I have several pictures in the works. Dissidia seems to be my new fandom of choice for the art realm; Onion Knight is a particular favorite, it seems. I think it's because I enjoy drawing his hair. >_>
At any rate, if anyone is interested in seeing my doodles, you can look through them here.
All of this constant pressure-relief crap going on with my head has been making me sleep more than I should. It has also caused me to put off all of my homework because I cannot stand to read for long periods of time, even with my reading glasses. My eyes just ache, and if I concentrate too hard on anything in my field of vision, blood vessels pop. I mean, I can clear that shit up with eye drops, but that effing stings. Also, even if I suffered the constant abuse of fixing my horribly bloody-looking eyes, I don't think it's good for me to be constantly using eye drops. I'm fairly certain there are warnings against that. D:
Aside from that, the pressure in my head is causing my neck muscles to retaliate around the shunt tube, tensing and knotting up until I literally cannot bend my neck. Mom had to give me a forty-five minute neck rub the other day just so that I could move my head. That is some massive BS. I hate winter, and I hate this shunt, even though it's technically the thing that is keeping me alive.
Regardless, that shunt causes me all sorts of problems, and oh god, when my muscles lock up around the tube, I can feel it slide against them under my skin. I can handle the sensation of nails on a chalkboard with no problem, but this sensation is something else entirely. It's like...
Well, imagine that someone has a long, thin plastic tube. Now imagine that said plastic tube has been inserted into your skull, just under your scalp; it leaves a large lump on your head, too. Imagine that it runs underneath your scalp, just a few mere inches back behind your temple, winding its way down back behind your ear where it slinks just under the skin of your neck, and think about how it is forced down and wound through your ribcage, and then inserted into your stomach.
Now, imagine that if you tilt your head to the left, you feel the tubing under the skin of your neck tighten before releasing enough that you can, in fact, complete that action. The tubing shifts upwards, feeling like a small, thin snake slithering and propelling itself upwards between your skin and muscles.
If you tilt your head to the right, imagine feeling blinding pain as the tubing fails to slide downward, subsequently causing it to bow against the skin and muscles that hold it in place.
Imagine what it would feel like to look down or up now that you know what it feels like to look from side to side, and think of every other movement you make that causes that tubing to shift: standing up straight, slouching, reaching up, reaching down, bending down, resting your head on a pillow.
I feel this every day, regardless of how careful my movements are. It's why I don't sleep well. It's why when I'm alone, I find myself shaking with pain at times, not only due to the blinding headaches that come and go with the weather but also because of the tear-jerking agony that comes with almost any physical movement.
I realize this sounds super melodramatic, but I'm not exaggerating. I pride myself on my tolerance for pain; it is very high. I can put up a front all I want, but when I am alone, I can shake and shiver, bite my lip, and cry while holding a position to get that damned tubing to loosen or contract.
I've only recently told my mom that this is what I feel, and she looked so distraught that I almost wish I hadn't--but I felt the need to explain why my moods are being so jumpy. It's hard to be pleasant when you want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and just bite the dust at times due to physical pain, not to mention emotional aggravation, as well.
Speaking of which, if my blood pressure spikes for any reason, especially due to frustration, my shunt is affected. If anemia strikes me particularly hard, my shunt is affected. If my blood sugar acts up by going too high or too low, my shunt is affected.
All in all, even though I know it's keeping me alive, I often just feel so miserable that I just don't want to be. Half of the dramatic "Why am I still alive" posts I make are because of this. Honestly, I don't mean to worry anyone with those; I just need a place to vent sometimes because I know that everything I've typed here makes people uncomfortable. I won't lie; it's something that made me uncomfortable at first, too, but I've progressed to the point where I can simply say, "Hey, yeah. My shunt keeps me alive. My brain tried to commit suicide, so that's why I have it." It's not a big deal to me anymore if anyone asks, but it is a big deal if I feel like I'm forcing the topic upon unwilling audiences.
That's one of the reasons I warned this cut probably wasn't for the squeamish. :| Sorry. I think I'm done ranting about this matter now, so on to other subjects!
I want to go back to school. I am tired of being stranded here at home because of the ice-laden streets around my neighborhood. I want to attend classes. I want to have motivation to complete my homework. I've been ignoring it because I haven't felt well for a while, but I've also been ignoring it because, well, when I can't attend class, I can't physically turn in my assignments, which is the preferred method of all of my instructors. Lame. I want the snow to go away, but we're supposed to be receiving another eight inches today. :/
My car needs a $500+ repair. I don't know what to do about this.
I want to start working on cosplay, but I think my van comes first in priority now, although I have to wait for OTAG to apply to my financial aid before I can do anything repair-wise for my beloved automobile.
I need to write four papers by Friday. I need to do a biology lab, write up a report for the aforementioned lab, take a two-hour test, and take a one-hour quiz by Sunday. Then, next week consists of washing, rinsing, and repeating that lovely schedule, attending Bollywood club, attending the SAFE (formerly YAG) meeting, and possibly finally moving to Haskell Hall. :| Jeez.
Also, I made a deviantART account earlier this week. I've only uploaded my current favorites from my stock of art, but I have several pictures in the works. Dissidia seems to be my new fandom of choice for the art realm; Onion Knight is a particular favorite, it seems. I think it's because I enjoy drawing his hair. >_>
At any rate, if anyone is interested in seeing my doodles, you can look through them here.