Regret
I guess it has been a long time since i have actually blogged about something that is genuinely bothering me, but since i don't keep a diary I know this is the best way to get those frustrations out. I can't really talk to anyone about it so i'll just say it here.
I know the title of this blog is regret but it is more than just that. Yesterday i was told something horrible by someone special to me, a family member. I was told that when i was really young, before my step dad (who i see as my father) made a pretty rude comment about me.
"I don't care. She'll never amount to anything. I can see it now, she'll be pregnant and dropped out of school before she turns 16!" Was what he was supposed to have said.
What hurts me most is in less than a day, I will be spending 4th of July and the day after with my Father because of it being his birthday and even though my heart is screaming that it isn't true, my mind is wanting to cling to those words. It is enough for my already depressed mind just to grasp at it and fuel the already raging fires of depression. The thing is, I believe what hurt me most was the fact that in that same breath of telling me, the person was trying to make me feel beter about myself, and telling me to never let anyone tell me i can't do something. Yet in the end the person ended up hurting me in a way they knew would hurt me.
Is it fun to hurt me? Do people take pleasure in it just because i can be hurt easily. When i am happy it seems people try their best to do just that. When i though i had something nice people would be snotty or act mad towards me knowing how it hurt me. I am not a person who wants to think they hurt people or made people mad at me. I want to be the best person i can be so i can be fully loved. I know that i am not the best person and that is one of my regrets. I am not pretty, I am not smart, my talents are never anything that defines me...it maybe because my talents are mediocre but i want to become better. My sister made a comment once that a friend of mine needed to find somethign that is their own, something they didnt get from someone else. Am I the same? Do I have anything that is just mine?
Which reminds me that i always feel like i am living in a shadow. A shadow of a person i love. That makes me feel like i have nothing, that I am nothing. I can't even get a job when i try to get one. I can't help with ANYTHING. I am purely useless. I can't give an ear to anyone, i can't support anyone...I am just a shadow, and I think in ways i might never stop being just that. I don't think i will ever be able to see that bright and beautiful sun for the tall and strong figures of those I love.
Then i think of a person i really love with all my heart. It is an irraplaceable person. They can make me happy and have done so much for me, yet at times they make me so sad. I am also this person's shadow. They are a great person but many times it just seems like no matter my mood, when i want to tlak it is like a lecture. I am happy and playing around and tlaking about something and i get told something that is like my brain registering it as 'stop being happy it is annoying'. I never say anything because i don't want this person angry at me, or to misunderstand. And other times it just seems like it is ok for them to be sad but when i am sad or upset it just seems like thy say stuff that says i have no right to be that way. It is hurtful especially when all i want is to be there for this person and be an ear and a shoulder to lean on.
I also know that some topics are touchy for me. Such as a friend i had at one time. He is a topic i don't like to touch on hardly at all...but yeah another time another place.
Now to my regret, my true regret.
I could just simply sum it up to the usual cry baby term of "My regret is that I was ever born" but even if part of me would mean it, there is a part of me that is happy i have felt pain, joy however fleeting it may be and even love. Or i guess you call it love..thefeeling of always being a burden to those around you...
My regret is that i even push away the one chance i had at a true happy life and relationship. When i was young i met the type of boy that just about every girl wishes they could have. A guy who was cute, would do anythign for me, and was so kind. He did everything for me but i was still so young. That is my excuse. I didn't write him like he did me, the little things he would ask me for i didn't do. It took so long to realize just how bad i did him. Yes he had his issues but who is to blame for those? I am, I am the root cause of the way he acted to me. He loved me, really did and i could have been happy if only my attention wasn't torn away. Thinking back on those days i want to find the younger me and slap myself. Scream and tell that me that i should accept his love because happiness wil not come to me in the future.
I was afraid at that time, truly afraid that if i accepted his love then i wouldn't find a love closer...i was afriad that if i were with him then my future would be set and nothing would happen. however i never did expect that my best friend would abandon me, my health would then do the same...and in the end my own mother did it. How long until my sister does it? I think she may be at her limit but perhaps....perhaps the past can be mended and i can make things right with this person i have done wrong. Perhaps i could accept him, and make him accept him again, and hopefully show that i am not that little girl anymore.
Maybe i can help bring happiness to atleast one person before i die....
I know the title of this blog is regret but it is more than just that. Yesterday i was told something horrible by someone special to me, a family member. I was told that when i was really young, before my step dad (who i see as my father) made a pretty rude comment about me.
"I don't care. She'll never amount to anything. I can see it now, she'll be pregnant and dropped out of school before she turns 16!" Was what he was supposed to have said.
What hurts me most is in less than a day, I will be spending 4th of July and the day after with my Father because of it being his birthday and even though my heart is screaming that it isn't true, my mind is wanting to cling to those words. It is enough for my already depressed mind just to grasp at it and fuel the already raging fires of depression. The thing is, I believe what hurt me most was the fact that in that same breath of telling me, the person was trying to make me feel beter about myself, and telling me to never let anyone tell me i can't do something. Yet in the end the person ended up hurting me in a way they knew would hurt me.
Is it fun to hurt me? Do people take pleasure in it just because i can be hurt easily. When i am happy it seems people try their best to do just that. When i though i had something nice people would be snotty or act mad towards me knowing how it hurt me. I am not a person who wants to think they hurt people or made people mad at me. I want to be the best person i can be so i can be fully loved. I know that i am not the best person and that is one of my regrets. I am not pretty, I am not smart, my talents are never anything that defines me...it maybe because my talents are mediocre but i want to become better. My sister made a comment once that a friend of mine needed to find somethign that is their own, something they didnt get from someone else. Am I the same? Do I have anything that is just mine?
Which reminds me that i always feel like i am living in a shadow. A shadow of a person i love. That makes me feel like i have nothing, that I am nothing. I can't even get a job when i try to get one. I can't help with ANYTHING. I am purely useless. I can't give an ear to anyone, i can't support anyone...I am just a shadow, and I think in ways i might never stop being just that. I don't think i will ever be able to see that bright and beautiful sun for the tall and strong figures of those I love.
Then i think of a person i really love with all my heart. It is an irraplaceable person. They can make me happy and have done so much for me, yet at times they make me so sad. I am also this person's shadow. They are a great person but many times it just seems like no matter my mood, when i want to tlak it is like a lecture. I am happy and playing around and tlaking about something and i get told something that is like my brain registering it as 'stop being happy it is annoying'. I never say anything because i don't want this person angry at me, or to misunderstand. And other times it just seems like it is ok for them to be sad but when i am sad or upset it just seems like thy say stuff that says i have no right to be that way. It is hurtful especially when all i want is to be there for this person and be an ear and a shoulder to lean on.
I also know that some topics are touchy for me. Such as a friend i had at one time. He is a topic i don't like to touch on hardly at all...but yeah another time another place.
Now to my regret, my true regret.
I could just simply sum it up to the usual cry baby term of "My regret is that I was ever born" but even if part of me would mean it, there is a part of me that is happy i have felt pain, joy however fleeting it may be and even love. Or i guess you call it love..thefeeling of always being a burden to those around you...
My regret is that i even push away the one chance i had at a true happy life and relationship. When i was young i met the type of boy that just about every girl wishes they could have. A guy who was cute, would do anythign for me, and was so kind. He did everything for me but i was still so young. That is my excuse. I didn't write him like he did me, the little things he would ask me for i didn't do. It took so long to realize just how bad i did him. Yes he had his issues but who is to blame for those? I am, I am the root cause of the way he acted to me. He loved me, really did and i could have been happy if only my attention wasn't torn away. Thinking back on those days i want to find the younger me and slap myself. Scream and tell that me that i should accept his love because happiness wil not come to me in the future.
I was afraid at that time, truly afraid that if i accepted his love then i wouldn't find a love closer...i was afriad that if i were with him then my future would be set and nothing would happen. however i never did expect that my best friend would abandon me, my health would then do the same...and in the end my own mother did it. How long until my sister does it? I think she may be at her limit but perhaps....perhaps the past can be mended and i can make things right with this person i have done wrong. Perhaps i could accept him, and make him accept him again, and hopefully show that i am not that little girl anymore.
Maybe i can help bring happiness to atleast one person before i die....