Tranquil loathing

[wolfsinn]

I used to look forward to posting here. I would get the seed of inspiration in me from an event,.. or a particular thought,.. and let it fester. I would compose a rough draft in my mind of how to best posture the things I wanted to say. Even if the substance of what I was wanting to put text to was unpleasant, the process of arranging it in my

Comments

[sheppdog]

As I read your post, I think back to simpler times. Back when it was you and harely and you could enjoy some of the simple things. I still have the picture you drew of me and wolph and cherish it as our first picture drawn together. You where fun to hangout with and we both enjoyed having you around. I miss those earlier days of my life. No one is perfect. Yet back then it seemed so much easier to accept someone as they where/are and just choose to see the good in some one

[wolfsinn]

Wolph is a sore subject with me. The last time we spoke it was through an alternative fantasy character of mine. We had discussed playing something and I was suddenly hit by a twinge of guilt. I did not know if he knew it was me or not and I thought to myself if it was me, I would want to know and thus told him before we got started,.. just so he knew,.. that it was me

[equinas]

There are two sides to every story. Matt is prone to exaggeration, to be sure. But, as you are fully insane, I would probably go with his version (which he has told me time and time again ad nauseum). But that's just me.

[wolfsinn]

I get that. I don't blame others for how they see it. I lost you a long time ago and independent of a sense of active betrayal. Your opinion doesn't change what I went through and I fully do not expect you to understand or care.

[weredog]

I don't suppose you realize how many times you have pretty much insulted those who consider you a friend in this post, do you?
I'm not trying be be confrontational or anything, Im just saying.

As a side note, I am sorry to have be slow in answering your questions. No, we are not "fucked" as you say, I am just rather unsure as to what to say.

[wolfsinn]

Scott. I just don't understand you any more. There was nothing here directed at you. I am sorry you feel butt-hurt for me not letting you know I was in town the last time I was there. I stated my reasons and its like these things don't matter to you.

As much as I don't want you to be insulted by what I have said here, if the expression of how I honestly view things effects you in a negative way,.. then don't read it. I have accepted the loss of you as something I just do not know how to fix. It's just more shit to keep at a distance in the same way you remained silent to my attempts at conversation or trying to explain myself.

Being unable to see Matt for what he is/did to me and mine, I do not blame you for that, I just count it among the things taken from me. Stuck between two impossibles I am forced to embrace the one that keeps potential trauma at a safe distance.

If that is not 'fucked' I do not know what is.

[weredog]

Are you even claiming to be sane anymore. What's FUCKED is you can't seem to differentiate that he and I are 2 differ5ent people.
Maybe you are right, because as long as you treat me like shit for things he did, we are "fucked"

And just for your information, I was referring to how you claim your trees are more sincere than people, and no, you didn't specify anyone. That means all people. Fuck it. Keep your trees, I hope they are great company.

[wolfsinn]

When I am informed you intending on accompanying him to my back yard,.. it is difficult not to make the association. There is a blatancy to the personal association that sets my fretful nature abalze with a desire to kep it at a distance

[weredog]

You know, I don't even care about the trip. I never expected it to happen anyway for reasons you keep bringing up. I just looked at it as one way I might possibly get up there to visit YOU. I don't give a flying fuck what matt was going to do there. I don't even know what it was. My only reason to do it was because in my current situation, maybe the opportunity to see friends in the future at all.

The fact that you came down here, and didn't even let me know, that is just....I dunno. There is no way you could possibly justify that. You can talk all you want about Matt, but if you didn't feel comfortable enough to try and come up with a way to see you, that means you don't trust me enough to not tell Matt, is either clinical paranoia, or male cow manure the way I see it. Hell, I've done things like drinking before I was 21 that required more planning and secrecy.

[wolfsinn]

I did not intend for you to be hurt,.. but if that is the way it is going to be I am not going to fight it, think of me what you will.

If you did not /LIVE/ with the person who so wronged me I would not have thought twice about it,.. but being so close to the thing that fucked me up I was unable to put myself at risk. I don't get why there is anything I have to justify myself for as surely as you don't seem to get the scale of what happened. Comparing it to underage drinking,... can of underscore that point to me.

What you assess as being a non threat was for me a very real trauma which I still live with the burden of.

That Matt could do all the terrible things he did up here and go la-la-la right on with his life embraced by people I had thought of as my friends at one point put me in a position where I had to insulate myself and if that put you on the outside of my trip to spend time with the wolves and Cro,.. well,.. there is not much I can do to change it now.

[weredog]

(1) That says to me you don't give a fuck. You sure as hell aren't sorry about it.

(2) I have not lived with that person since he was living with you in this state, so you have lived with him far more recently than I.

(3) And I thought you had balls. I'd be laughing if some unarmed guy was starting up any unarmored vehicle threatening to try and drive through my house. If you find someone that stupid, send them my way. If you are referring to the rest of it, you are likely creating that in your head. Normal people don't take the whole guilt by association thing to such an extreme.

(4)People are embraced more by current actions rather than shit that happened which was only told by several people all with different stories. Once again, you are treating me like him, just because I know him.

and back to

(1) I guess you can just think of me what you will of Matt.

[wolfsinn]

1/ I am sorry you got hurt,.. I am not sorry for distancing myself from anything that could involve matt as a complication to my trip

Wolfenfox's thoughts.

[anonymous]

Don’t you even see the bull shit you’re conjuring up for yourself in how you’re dwelling on the crap that you are letting into your head with so much anger and negativity? You’re just going to make yourself so sick putting up these fences and walls around yourself over one person you have a problem with where no one wants to even care as it’s just your stupid drama between you and him. Life is more complicated than you could even control and that’s what you’re trying to do, control more than your life. If you don’t like a person just stay away from them and don’t try to drag everyone down with you in your feelings about a person. You can live in your world of bliss all you want because all it is being oblivious to the people around you. You moved up there from what I understand to learn more about yourself but you lost touch of people and yourself in what it means to be human. You have become a very empty person. So where do you go from here? You have nothing left but yourself. Your king now of your little world, that will only keep

Re: Wolfenfox's thoughts.

[wolfsinn]

Judging my life at a glance to think it both empty and full of bullshit doesn't endear me to your perspective. In fact,.. it rather makes me more comfortable from where I see things. If to be human means to adhere to the way the people that fallen out of my life think I should be living,.. then I cannot help but feel unassociated with being human. I have never require large groups of people to approve of my actions or perspectives and the path that led me to where I am comes from feeling like having been pushed in that direction. Already in my life what can I be said that I have to conserve? Its been a long time gone since anything I was seemed to matter or be sought for inclusion in peoples lives. There are some exceptions to that general rule, but I would like to think that the ones that I still have an open dialogue with know this because I specifically give voice to what I value and admire in them. Out side those few,.. what do the established and exclusive social circles offer me that I should be effected by a threat of

Re: Wolfenfox's thoughts.

[anonymous]

Oh yes from what you have told me the world is just bubbles, tiny little bubbles. You sure are living in one now. So maybe you should just lay your old bones to rest now for what you keep wanting. You found yourself all right and it’s dark and ugly. I keep hoping this is just a game you’re just trying to play with everyone but you are rather ill right now. Get some help. You’re not any different than the rest of this god forsaken world. Hate me for pointing this out to you and I know you will as that’s all you know how to feel. Your lost.

Re: Wolfenfox's thoughts.

[wolfsinn]

Nope,.. no game,.. I actually mean what I say. I do not hate you,.. your opinion of me as dark and ugly does not not effect me.