a destructive mind...
I think that I have somewhat of a destructive mind.
It's so hell bent at taking the meaning out of everything and "logic"ifying it. To the point that i'm left an empty battered shell that is despirate for meaning. For genuine emotion. Which I have obtained in marvelous ways....but only at the very rare times that i'm able to let the left side of my brain go. And it's paradoxal, really. I value the things of heart. It's what REALLY matters. Some people just crap everything and make everything to be just "whatever". Some people go the opposite way and end up being so involved in their feelings and what they feel that they ignore perspective. and then there are those who have their value systems placed in the analyitical side of their brains. Being analyitical makes them emotionally satisfied. and then there is the idiots like me...who have their value system placed in their right half of their brians...but who also have a gift with their left hand side of their brains. And that part is so hell bent on philosophy that it takes all the fun out of life.
There are so few secrets left in this world for me. And I liked not knowing.
hell....I LIKED believing the stories. So many stories and actually going with my heart and truely believing in them. It would be fun. It would be new...so i'd think that is must be true. To hold this "unknown" to be beyond me and just be satisfied with "it's beyond us" and being okay with that.
I LOVE to think about heaven. I love angels. I loved to think that Jesus is watching. That four elements and the lord and the lady are behind the scenes helping us. That Athena is actually real. That it's all okay because God has a plan.
But i can't do that. A LOT of things are fun to think about. A LOT of things make me feel good. feel conforted. a LOT of things invoke my emotional half. But to think that these stories are true just because they make me feel good is......foolish. I understand what needs this things serve in my head.
I remember a time when i got my foxman stick that i was psyched because i had powers. It was bullshit, of course.....but it made me feel superior. accepted. like i knew something that no one else did. But all of these things can be found in basic psychology.
but ironically.....is it the better option? I say no. It would be a much better emotional life to go with your feelings. To have these things add to your identity. Not have that shaken up too much. But....i can't help but to.
So much so that I emotionally can not do that anymore. It's not that i don't really respect the power of these beliefs...it's just that i can explain them. I know. I used to be really into religion. and dogma. And "the end of the world". and "SIGHTINGS". and the X-files. But all of these play into our basic human biology.
All of these play into 95% of humanity. and humanity just doesn't know it. and honestly, i think they're better off.
Instead...here i am...trying to build some kind of "unified theory" of philosophy. That which not only brings together the emotional "identity"/"values"/"egoness" but the raw philosophy and science. That of psychology. And plain old PHYSICS. Trying to combine both the physical world and the mental one. WHILE trying to explain existance itself.
It's just this quest is a foolish one. I wish i could go back. And I do sometimes using ritualized magick. I forgo the rational side and my heart sings and revels in these emotionalisms and the stories. But it's very fleeting before my mind brings me back to the way things are.
In essence...my brain activly suppresses what makes me happy. But it's the only way i value.
And this is why i don't think i'll ever find love. I'll never be able to just "flow" with it like most people do. Most people i've seen are able to just "flow". and while i may be the nicest guy or the most well intentioned guy...it's just never going to work. And not to mention this entire "asexual" thing....which i partly blame on being too fucking rational to "flow".
There's this one lady who i think is neat. but....deep down i know that it can't go anywhere. While i may seem to be the happy go lucky guy on the inside, it's all an act. And not to mention i don't want to fucking fuck to save my life. It's not that i wouldn't be down for it...it's just that i know i could never truely satisfy her. because part of love is being honest. and....we'd just never relate on a sexual level. Relating on an emotional level is very possible....it just has to be extreamly deep.
But...honestly.....it would never work. I know this. And i think i understand why i'm so interested in having a significant other. It's years of instilling certain ideals in my head. And i understand even those now....which draws away from the actual thing itself.
And this is all very fucked up because i pretty much WORSHIP sex. I worship genders. I worship those things which symbolically tie us together in our humanity. And there...i am very emotionally geared. but even in that...it's a rational love. It's something which is dead. It's the part that defines us. It's not the "active flow" of emotions.
So.....kind of a quandry.
My mind seems to be a very destructive one. I understand "the flow"...which is why i can't ever really be part of it. and that sucks.
But...what sucks even more is not being to express all of what i mean to say. Because i've only scratched the surface. and there is a lot more to this. But i won't get there.
Oh well. I just hope i don't drive myself crazy with all of this. I'm well on my way.
In other news: November 3rd! The second gate. This is going to be interesting.
It's so hell bent at taking the meaning out of everything and "logic"ifying it. To the point that i'm left an empty battered shell that is despirate for meaning. For genuine emotion. Which I have obtained in marvelous ways....but only at the very rare times that i'm able to let the left side of my brain go. And it's paradoxal, really. I value the things of heart. It's what REALLY matters. Some people just crap everything and make everything to be just "whatever". Some people go the opposite way and end up being so involved in their feelings and what they feel that they ignore perspective. and then there are those who have their value systems placed in the analyitical side of their brains. Being analyitical makes them emotionally satisfied. and then there is the idiots like me...who have their value system placed in their right half of their brians...but who also have a gift with their left hand side of their brains. And that part is so hell bent on philosophy that it takes all the fun out of life.
There are so few secrets left in this world for me. And I liked not knowing.
hell....I LIKED believing the stories. So many stories and actually going with my heart and truely believing in them. It would be fun. It would be new...so i'd think that is must be true. To hold this "unknown" to be beyond me and just be satisfied with "it's beyond us" and being okay with that.
I LOVE to think about heaven. I love angels. I loved to think that Jesus is watching. That four elements and the lord and the lady are behind the scenes helping us. That Athena is actually real. That it's all okay because God has a plan.
But i can't do that. A LOT of things are fun to think about. A LOT of things make me feel good. feel conforted. a LOT of things invoke my emotional half. But to think that these stories are true just because they make me feel good is......foolish. I understand what needs this things serve in my head.
I remember a time when i got my foxman stick that i was psyched because i had powers. It was bullshit, of course.....but it made me feel superior. accepted. like i knew something that no one else did. But all of these things can be found in basic psychology.
but ironically.....is it the better option? I say no. It would be a much better emotional life to go with your feelings. To have these things add to your identity. Not have that shaken up too much. But....i can't help but to.
So much so that I emotionally can not do that anymore. It's not that i don't really respect the power of these beliefs...it's just that i can explain them. I know. I used to be really into religion. and dogma. And "the end of the world". and "SIGHTINGS". and the X-files. But all of these play into our basic human biology.
All of these play into 95% of humanity. and humanity just doesn't know it. and honestly, i think they're better off.
Instead...here i am...trying to build some kind of "unified theory" of philosophy. That which not only brings together the emotional "identity"/"values"/"egoness" but the raw philosophy and science. That of psychology. And plain old PHYSICS. Trying to combine both the physical world and the mental one. WHILE trying to explain existance itself.
It's just this quest is a foolish one. I wish i could go back. And I do sometimes using ritualized magick. I forgo the rational side and my heart sings and revels in these emotionalisms and the stories. But it's very fleeting before my mind brings me back to the way things are.
In essence...my brain activly suppresses what makes me happy. But it's the only way i value.
And this is why i don't think i'll ever find love. I'll never be able to just "flow" with it like most people do. Most people i've seen are able to just "flow". and while i may be the nicest guy or the most well intentioned guy...it's just never going to work. And not to mention this entire "asexual" thing....which i partly blame on being too fucking rational to "flow".
There's this one lady who i think is neat. but....deep down i know that it can't go anywhere. While i may seem to be the happy go lucky guy on the inside, it's all an act. And not to mention i don't want to fucking fuck to save my life. It's not that i wouldn't be down for it...it's just that i know i could never truely satisfy her. because part of love is being honest. and....we'd just never relate on a sexual level. Relating on an emotional level is very possible....it just has to be extreamly deep.
But...honestly.....it would never work. I know this. And i think i understand why i'm so interested in having a significant other. It's years of instilling certain ideals in my head. And i understand even those now....which draws away from the actual thing itself.
And this is all very fucked up because i pretty much WORSHIP sex. I worship genders. I worship those things which symbolically tie us together in our humanity. And there...i am very emotionally geared. but even in that...it's a rational love. It's something which is dead. It's the part that defines us. It's not the "active flow" of emotions.
So.....kind of a quandry.
My mind seems to be a very destructive one. I understand "the flow"...which is why i can't ever really be part of it. and that sucks.
But...what sucks even more is not being to express all of what i mean to say. Because i've only scratched the surface. and there is a lot more to this. But i won't get there.
Oh well. I just hope i don't drive myself crazy with all of this. I'm well on my way.
In other news: November 3rd! The second gate. This is going to be interesting.