sorcerer who's stoned, chap 3
whoo! chapter three of sorcerer who's stoned is here. that should make everyone happy.
previous
Chapter 3
After a really long time being banished to his cupboard, Harry’s punishment is finally over and he is allowed to venture to the outside world once again. He walks into the kitchen and makes a remark about the smell that meets him there.
Harry: Oh dear Lord, what is that horrible stench? I think I’m going to pass out.
Harry then makes quite a show of closing his eyes, putting the back of his hand to his forehead, then crumpling into a heap in the middle of the floor.
Petunia: Don’t be stupid. I’m dying some of Dudley’s old things gray for you. It’ll look just like everyone else’s when I’ve finished.
Harry suddenly jumps up and grins.
Harry: You mean my dream has finally come true? Everyone at school is going to dress like elephants?
Petunia is not amused by this.
Petunia: I told you not to be stupid!
Harry walks over to where the clothes are being dyed. He rests his hand on the side of the tub and Petunia freaks out.
Petunia: Get away from there! You’re going to knock it over, then I’ll have to spend the rest of the day cleaning it up.
Harry slowly backs away from the dangerous creature in front of him that is his aunt, and sits down at the table. Vernon then walks into the room, closely followed by Dudley who is wearing a new whale shirt. Harry sees this and unconsciously starts humming ‘Baby Beluga’ again. Either there is now so much fat in Dudley’s head that he can no longer hear properly, or he has learned to ignore Harry’s tauntings because he shows no emotion as he sits down at the table. The mail is then dropped into the slot. Vernon, in his special Jeopardy way, tells his son to go retrieve it.
Vernon: What is Dudley not doing at the moment?
Dudley: I don’t want to get the mail today. Make Harry get it.
Vernon turns his gaze from his son to his nephew.
Vernon: What is Harry not doing at the moment?
Harry: I don’t want to get it, make Dudley do it. You told him to first, anyway. Why did you let him get away with that? Aren’t children supposed to respect their elders and do as they’re told?
Vernon turns back to his son.
Vernon: Who is Dudley’s Smelting stick not beating unconscious?
Dudley raises his stick and attempts to smack Harry on the head with it, but Harry ducks and dives out of his chair and across the room where he looks at the family and laughs maniacally before running into the hall to get the mail. Harry picks up everything laying in front of the door and notices that there is something there for him. Harry stares at it dumbly for a few seconds.
Harry’s Thoughts: Who would write to me? I don’t have any friends. I bet it’s the CIA asking me to help them with a secret mission! But wait, why would the CIA need help from a 10-year-old British boy?
Harry continues to argue with himself as he makes his way back to the breakfast table. He hands the mail, except for his letter, to his uncle and sits down. Dudley sees that Harry got a letter and he didn’t, becomes extraordinarily jealous, and screams to bring attention to himself.
Dudley: Hey! Why do you have a letter? Why don’t I have a letter? Daddy, take Harry’s letter away from him so he doesn’t feel special!
Vernon grabs the letter away from Harry and looks at who it’s from. He freaks out and shows the letter to Petunia who shrieks and falls to the floor in a dead faint.
Vernon: You two, leave, now.
Harry: But I want to read it. I never get mail.
Dudley: Why do I have to leave? I’m supposed to be spoiled and get everything I want, and I want to see what that letter is.
Vernon: No, leave.
Harry: Will you at least tell me if it’s from the CIA?
Vernon: NO, LEAVE!
Harry: Okay, sheesh, no need to get snappy.
Harry and Dudley reluctantly make their way out of the kitchen as Vernon rouses Petunia to discuss Harry’s mail. Of course, Harry ends up having to eavesdrop while lying on the floor because Dudley would crush him if he argues. And that would bring an end to the story a little more quickly than many people would like. The boys hear Vernon and Petunia talking and conclude that something seriously weird is going on, and that it’s all Harry’s fault.
THAT EVENING
Vernon goes to see Harry. Harry isn’t used to this and looks at his uncle like he has antlers growing out the sides of his head. He soon gets over his shock, though.
Harry: Was I right? Was it a letter from the CIA?
Vernon: No, don’t be stupid. Why would the CIA send a letter to a 10-year-old British boy?
Harry: You know, I asked myself the same thing. I guess I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Hey, you didn’t say everything in the form of a question, are you sick or something? I thought you were obsessed with Jeopardy and wanted to do everything like the people on the show.
Vernon: Well, I do love the show, but the whole obsession thing is just an act I put on in front of the family. It’s funny to see the way they react when I let it slip. Alright, enough of this sappy getting to know one another. I came here to tell you that you’re going to move into Dudley’s second bedroom because your aunt and I are afraid that there are people spying on us and will see that we treat you like crap.
Harry: Who?
Vernon: Um... it doesn’t matter. Don’t ask any more questions. Just take your things to your new room.
With this, Vernon leaves the cupboard and Harry takes his things to his room. When he gets in there, he notices all of the broken things, especially the gun that was bent from Dudley sitting on it.
Harry’s Thoughts: Wow, I knew Dudley was fat, but I’ve only ever seen things like that in cartoons. I really wish the CIA had written to me. If they had, I could die happy. Okay, maybe not completely happy. I’d still like to see Paris someday, and maybe Iowa. Oh, and I want to set the record for the most maggots popped in an hour. (A/N: my dad wanted to be part of the story-writing process, so I let him choose that).
Harry continues going through the list of things he wants to accomplish in his life in his head until he lays downs on his bed and loses consciousness.
NEXT MORNING
Harry walks into the kitchen and notices, as usual, that no one likes him, although his aunt and uncle are trying to hide the fact. Vernon tells Dudley to get the mail. Dudley is upset about this and makes his anger known by beating everything in sight with his stick.
Dudley: Dude! Why does Harry get all the mail? Since when is he more popular than me?
Vernon freaks out and runs to get the letter before either of the boys has a chance to see what it is. Now Harry, being the special boy that he is, uses his brain to come to the conclusion that since someone had sent something to him more than once because they realized that he hadn’t received it the first time, they would probably try sending it again. He then comes up with a brilliant idea. Okay, so he has no proof that it’s brilliant because he doesn’t tell anybody about it to see what they think, but he likes to think it’s brilliant.
NEXT MORNING
Harry wakes up early and gets ready to go down to the end of the street and wait for the mail before anybody else has a chance to see it. He walks down the stairs and decides to get his morning tap dance routine out of the way. He starts the dance and works his way over to the front door. Just as he comes to the more erratic part, he tramples something warm and squishy lying in front of the door. Harry trips and falls on the floor.
Harry: You threw off my groove! I hope you’re happy.
Everyone wakes up and Harry gets yelled at for a while. Harry, once again, does not get his letter.
For the rest of the week, Vernon stays home from work and keeps Harry’s letters from him. Vernon finally has enough on Sunday when letters start flooding into the house.
Vernon: OK, that’s it, we’re leaving! These bloody letters are freaking me out and I don’t want to be around them anymore.
The family stares at him for a moment. Then Petunia breaks the silence.
Petunia: Vernon, dear, I thought you wanted to always talk like the people on Jeopardy.
Vernon thinks for a minute.
Vernon: I’ve decided that I want to be Alex Trebeck now. Now move!
The family all scrambles to their rooms to pack a few things to take with them. Vernon has to work very hard to keep from knocking Dudley unconcious for trying to pack all of his electronic devices. Everyone eventually gets packed and into the car.
Vernon drives them around for hours on end. When he finally gets tired of freaking out the rest of the family for the day, he stops at a hotel where they stay for the night. In the morning, Vernon destroys all the letters that showed up for Harry overnight. They all get back in the car and drive around some more, with Vernon stopping every few minutes in the most random places he can think of. Vernon finally has some kind of mental breakdown and parks the car on the beach, gets out, and disappears for a while.
LATER
Vernon comes back with food and a long, thin package.
Vernon: A hut on a rock in the middle of the sea.
A buzzer sounds.
Harry: Where are we staying tonight?
Vernon: Correct!
Harry: Woohoo!
Dudley: Where’d the buzzer come from?
Harry thinks for a minute.
Harry: Ebay?
Dudley: Oh.
The family gets into a boat and takes off for the hut on the rock in the middle of the sea in the freakin’ cold weather.
IN THE HUT
After a very nutritious dinner, Harry lays on the floor of the hut because Dudley’s a selfish brat and won’t share the couch.
Harry’s Thoughts: Wow, now my life really sucks. At least back home I had something other than the floor to sleep on. If only the CIA hadn’t written to me. I wouldn’t be in this mess, then.
Harry looks up from the floor at Dudley’s watch.
Harry’s Thoughts: Yipee! It’s almost my birthday! Even though I don’t have a cake or any candles to blow out, I’ll make a wish anyway. First I’ll count down the seconds until midnight. Forty-seven, 46, 45, 44, 43, 42, this is boring. I’ll just wait til 10 to go.
Harry waits.
Harry’s Thoughts: ... 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, YAY! Happy birthday to me! OK, now for my wish. I wish a giant would show up at the door, even though it’s nearly impossible to get here through the storm, and give me a copy of the letter the CIA has been trying to send me.
3 SECONDS LATER
BANG!
Harry: Yay! The giant’s here! Wait, isn’t it supposed to be boom?
Mystery Giant on the Other Side of the Door: Oh, right, sorry.
BOOM!
--------------------------------------------
yay, new chapter's done! anything to say? i really love to hear what people think.
next
previous
Chapter 3
After a really long time being banished to his cupboard, Harry’s punishment is finally over and he is allowed to venture to the outside world once again. He walks into the kitchen and makes a remark about the smell that meets him there.
Harry: Oh dear Lord, what is that horrible stench? I think I’m going to pass out.
Harry then makes quite a show of closing his eyes, putting the back of his hand to his forehead, then crumpling into a heap in the middle of the floor.
Petunia: Don’t be stupid. I’m dying some of Dudley’s old things gray for you. It’ll look just like everyone else’s when I’ve finished.
Harry suddenly jumps up and grins.
Harry: You mean my dream has finally come true? Everyone at school is going to dress like elephants?
Petunia is not amused by this.
Petunia: I told you not to be stupid!
Harry walks over to where the clothes are being dyed. He rests his hand on the side of the tub and Petunia freaks out.
Petunia: Get away from there! You’re going to knock it over, then I’ll have to spend the rest of the day cleaning it up.
Harry slowly backs away from the dangerous creature in front of him that is his aunt, and sits down at the table. Vernon then walks into the room, closely followed by Dudley who is wearing a new whale shirt. Harry sees this and unconsciously starts humming ‘Baby Beluga’ again. Either there is now so much fat in Dudley’s head that he can no longer hear properly, or he has learned to ignore Harry’s tauntings because he shows no emotion as he sits down at the table. The mail is then dropped into the slot. Vernon, in his special Jeopardy way, tells his son to go retrieve it.
Vernon: What is Dudley not doing at the moment?
Dudley: I don’t want to get the mail today. Make Harry get it.
Vernon turns his gaze from his son to his nephew.
Vernon: What is Harry not doing at the moment?
Harry: I don’t want to get it, make Dudley do it. You told him to first, anyway. Why did you let him get away with that? Aren’t children supposed to respect their elders and do as they’re told?
Vernon turns back to his son.
Vernon: Who is Dudley’s Smelting stick not beating unconscious?
Dudley raises his stick and attempts to smack Harry on the head with it, but Harry ducks and dives out of his chair and across the room where he looks at the family and laughs maniacally before running into the hall to get the mail. Harry picks up everything laying in front of the door and notices that there is something there for him. Harry stares at it dumbly for a few seconds.
Harry’s Thoughts: Who would write to me? I don’t have any friends. I bet it’s the CIA asking me to help them with a secret mission! But wait, why would the CIA need help from a 10-year-old British boy?
Harry continues to argue with himself as he makes his way back to the breakfast table. He hands the mail, except for his letter, to his uncle and sits down. Dudley sees that Harry got a letter and he didn’t, becomes extraordinarily jealous, and screams to bring attention to himself.
Dudley: Hey! Why do you have a letter? Why don’t I have a letter? Daddy, take Harry’s letter away from him so he doesn’t feel special!
Vernon grabs the letter away from Harry and looks at who it’s from. He freaks out and shows the letter to Petunia who shrieks and falls to the floor in a dead faint.
Vernon: You two, leave, now.
Harry: But I want to read it. I never get mail.
Dudley: Why do I have to leave? I’m supposed to be spoiled and get everything I want, and I want to see what that letter is.
Vernon: No, leave.
Harry: Will you at least tell me if it’s from the CIA?
Vernon: NO, LEAVE!
Harry: Okay, sheesh, no need to get snappy.
Harry and Dudley reluctantly make their way out of the kitchen as Vernon rouses Petunia to discuss Harry’s mail. Of course, Harry ends up having to eavesdrop while lying on the floor because Dudley would crush him if he argues. And that would bring an end to the story a little more quickly than many people would like. The boys hear Vernon and Petunia talking and conclude that something seriously weird is going on, and that it’s all Harry’s fault.
THAT EVENING
Vernon goes to see Harry. Harry isn’t used to this and looks at his uncle like he has antlers growing out the sides of his head. He soon gets over his shock, though.
Harry: Was I right? Was it a letter from the CIA?
Vernon: No, don’t be stupid. Why would the CIA send a letter to a 10-year-old British boy?
Harry: You know, I asked myself the same thing. I guess I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Hey, you didn’t say everything in the form of a question, are you sick or something? I thought you were obsessed with Jeopardy and wanted to do everything like the people on the show.
Vernon: Well, I do love the show, but the whole obsession thing is just an act I put on in front of the family. It’s funny to see the way they react when I let it slip. Alright, enough of this sappy getting to know one another. I came here to tell you that you’re going to move into Dudley’s second bedroom because your aunt and I are afraid that there are people spying on us and will see that we treat you like crap.
Harry: Who?
Vernon: Um... it doesn’t matter. Don’t ask any more questions. Just take your things to your new room.
With this, Vernon leaves the cupboard and Harry takes his things to his room. When he gets in there, he notices all of the broken things, especially the gun that was bent from Dudley sitting on it.
Harry’s Thoughts: Wow, I knew Dudley was fat, but I’ve only ever seen things like that in cartoons. I really wish the CIA had written to me. If they had, I could die happy. Okay, maybe not completely happy. I’d still like to see Paris someday, and maybe Iowa. Oh, and I want to set the record for the most maggots popped in an hour. (A/N: my dad wanted to be part of the story-writing process, so I let him choose that).
Harry continues going through the list of things he wants to accomplish in his life in his head until he lays downs on his bed and loses consciousness.
NEXT MORNING
Harry walks into the kitchen and notices, as usual, that no one likes him, although his aunt and uncle are trying to hide the fact. Vernon tells Dudley to get the mail. Dudley is upset about this and makes his anger known by beating everything in sight with his stick.
Dudley: Dude! Why does Harry get all the mail? Since when is he more popular than me?
Vernon freaks out and runs to get the letter before either of the boys has a chance to see what it is. Now Harry, being the special boy that he is, uses his brain to come to the conclusion that since someone had sent something to him more than once because they realized that he hadn’t received it the first time, they would probably try sending it again. He then comes up with a brilliant idea. Okay, so he has no proof that it’s brilliant because he doesn’t tell anybody about it to see what they think, but he likes to think it’s brilliant.
NEXT MORNING
Harry wakes up early and gets ready to go down to the end of the street and wait for the mail before anybody else has a chance to see it. He walks down the stairs and decides to get his morning tap dance routine out of the way. He starts the dance and works his way over to the front door. Just as he comes to the more erratic part, he tramples something warm and squishy lying in front of the door. Harry trips and falls on the floor.
Harry: You threw off my groove! I hope you’re happy.
Everyone wakes up and Harry gets yelled at for a while. Harry, once again, does not get his letter.
For the rest of the week, Vernon stays home from work and keeps Harry’s letters from him. Vernon finally has enough on Sunday when letters start flooding into the house.
Vernon: OK, that’s it, we’re leaving! These bloody letters are freaking me out and I don’t want to be around them anymore.
The family stares at him for a moment. Then Petunia breaks the silence.
Petunia: Vernon, dear, I thought you wanted to always talk like the people on Jeopardy.
Vernon thinks for a minute.
Vernon: I’ve decided that I want to be Alex Trebeck now. Now move!
The family all scrambles to their rooms to pack a few things to take with them. Vernon has to work very hard to keep from knocking Dudley unconcious for trying to pack all of his electronic devices. Everyone eventually gets packed and into the car.
Vernon drives them around for hours on end. When he finally gets tired of freaking out the rest of the family for the day, he stops at a hotel where they stay for the night. In the morning, Vernon destroys all the letters that showed up for Harry overnight. They all get back in the car and drive around some more, with Vernon stopping every few minutes in the most random places he can think of. Vernon finally has some kind of mental breakdown and parks the car on the beach, gets out, and disappears for a while.
LATER
Vernon comes back with food and a long, thin package.
Vernon: A hut on a rock in the middle of the sea.
A buzzer sounds.
Harry: Where are we staying tonight?
Vernon: Correct!
Harry: Woohoo!
Dudley: Where’d the buzzer come from?
Harry thinks for a minute.
Harry: Ebay?
Dudley: Oh.
The family gets into a boat and takes off for the hut on the rock in the middle of the sea in the freakin’ cold weather.
IN THE HUT
After a very nutritious dinner, Harry lays on the floor of the hut because Dudley’s a selfish brat and won’t share the couch.
Harry’s Thoughts: Wow, now my life really sucks. At least back home I had something other than the floor to sleep on. If only the CIA hadn’t written to me. I wouldn’t be in this mess, then.
Harry looks up from the floor at Dudley’s watch.
Harry’s Thoughts: Yipee! It’s almost my birthday! Even though I don’t have a cake or any candles to blow out, I’ll make a wish anyway. First I’ll count down the seconds until midnight. Forty-seven, 46, 45, 44, 43, 42, this is boring. I’ll just wait til 10 to go.
Harry waits.
Harry’s Thoughts: ... 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, YAY! Happy birthday to me! OK, now for my wish. I wish a giant would show up at the door, even though it’s nearly impossible to get here through the storm, and give me a copy of the letter the CIA has been trying to send me.
3 SECONDS LATER
BANG!
Harry: Yay! The giant’s here! Wait, isn’t it supposed to be boom?
Mystery Giant on the Other Side of the Door: Oh, right, sorry.
BOOM!
--------------------------------------------
yay, new chapter's done! anything to say? i really love to hear what people think.
next