cancer
Oh god, you guys.
My dad has been on and off hospitals this year, which I've mentioned a bit of it here. He spent some twenty days there in June, which is about when and why I pretty much stopped posting, and went back for some more twenty days in August, on the day I was supposed to go back to classes.
This time, he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and that was identified as responsible for all the problems he'd been having.
It was a shock, and there's already metastasis, so it's inoperable, and he'll have to do chemo. His doctor insisted, however, that it was very important to be optimistic, that positive thinking is always of great help. I had occasion to talk to her alone this week, and she mentioned how she couldn't be very specific about statistics in front of him, as to not scare or depress him. That obviously frightened me, and I asked he about it, but again, she reinforced how important it was for us to stay positive, that it all depended on how he would react to chemo, that statistics were only statistics and she was not Dr. Google. I left determined to cheer my parents up, giving the impression that I was confident after that conversation so they would be confident.
My father's sister, however, insisted that we had to go see a cousin of theirs who's an oncologist, because we had to and so we went. And he said much the same, but when we were leaving, my aunt asked me to stay behind and she asked him how advanced it was. And he said that there were many lesions, and there's still a test to make on Monday, but if it shows these are all tumors, that it's very advanced. He said he was sad when he saw his exams. At this point I excused myself and left, and lied to my parents that my aunt stayed behind only to ask the same things the doctor has already told us, as she always does. Ask, that is.
But now I'm crushed, and terrified, and can't talk about to anyone. Certainly not to my parents or my brother, certainly not to my aunt, who I was never crazy about but right at the moment hate for making me listen to that. I have no friends I can talk to about this, I'm seeing my therapist only on Monday (I'm trying to move it to tomorrow), and my dog has no consolation to offer.
I'm so scared. And I suddenly feel so alone knowing this, and I'm also in an awful position in school because I keep missing classes to help out my mom and dad, and I don't want this to be happening. I'm so scared. All my strenght has vanished.
My dad has been on and off hospitals this year, which I've mentioned a bit of it here. He spent some twenty days there in June, which is about when and why I pretty much stopped posting, and went back for some more twenty days in August, on the day I was supposed to go back to classes.
This time, he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and that was identified as responsible for all the problems he'd been having.
It was a shock, and there's already metastasis, so it's inoperable, and he'll have to do chemo. His doctor insisted, however, that it was very important to be optimistic, that positive thinking is always of great help. I had occasion to talk to her alone this week, and she mentioned how she couldn't be very specific about statistics in front of him, as to not scare or depress him. That obviously frightened me, and I asked he about it, but again, she reinforced how important it was for us to stay positive, that it all depended on how he would react to chemo, that statistics were only statistics and she was not Dr. Google. I left determined to cheer my parents up, giving the impression that I was confident after that conversation so they would be confident.
My father's sister, however, insisted that we had to go see a cousin of theirs who's an oncologist, because we had to and so we went. And he said much the same, but when we were leaving, my aunt asked me to stay behind and she asked him how advanced it was. And he said that there were many lesions, and there's still a test to make on Monday, but if it shows these are all tumors, that it's very advanced. He said he was sad when he saw his exams. At this point I excused myself and left, and lied to my parents that my aunt stayed behind only to ask the same things the doctor has already told us, as she always does. Ask, that is.
But now I'm crushed, and terrified, and can't talk about to anyone. Certainly not to my parents or my brother, certainly not to my aunt, who I was never crazy about but right at the moment hate for making me listen to that. I have no friends I can talk to about this, I'm seeing my therapist only on Monday (I'm trying to move it to tomorrow), and my dog has no consolation to offer.
I'm so scared. And I suddenly feel so alone knowing this, and I'm also in an awful position in school because I keep missing classes to help out my mom and dad, and I don't want this to be happening. I'm so scared. All my strenght has vanished.