Freefall
Title: Freefall
Author: wontonxx
Pairing: Eeteuk/Kangin
Raiting: PG
Genre: Angst :x
Length: oneshot; about 1160 words
Warnings: not AU this time, but still that tinge of OOC
Disclaimers: i don't own them.
A/N Well, I really like this oneshot. Hope you enjoy ! =]
001. Freefall
There are so many emotions rushing through his body as he feels those warm hands run over him. Nothing seems to explain the vigorous beating of his heart except that he is in love. But Kangin was not, is not ready for that.
Taking those warm hands into his, he pushes them aside declaring with his chocolate brown eyes that he doesn’t need this, that he’s better than this. Strong and ever so prideful, Kangin wills himself to walk away from being submissive to anything the owner of the warm hands whispers to him.
And so, halfway down the driveway toward his still warm car, the front door he had closed opens.
“Why do you keep running away from me?… No, from us?” Eeteuk’s voice is ragged and smooth all at once, sweet but bitter.
Kangin regrets, beyond anything, for letting that voice persuade him here in the first place. Doing what he should have done earlier, he ignores the shaking voice, bustles into the silence of his car, and without looking back, he speeds, once again, out of Eeteuk’s life, knowing full well it is all in vain.
It is routine. When Eeteuk emits soft whines, Kangin, in a moment of weakness, always caves in. Then at the faintest touch, just when Eeteuk believes he has finally made Kangin love him, the stubborn, forceful Kangin comes back, leaving behind the same shattered being Eeteuk became the moment his heart began to yearn for Kangin.
----
Kangin knows Eeteuk will never understand. But how would he? The fear of love couldn’t affect someone like Eeteuk, so pure and brilliant.
To Kangin, love is powerful. Too many times has he seen love tear at two people so violently, striping them of their pride. Too many times has he seen a person slave endlessly for the one that’s suppose to love them back. To Kangin, love is weak. Too many times has he seen love change. Love her one day, love him the next.
To Kangin, love is not something he is willing to give in to.
---
Kangin really had no idea how much of an impact his simple touches had on Eeteuk. And if he did, it could only be concluded that he enjoys making Eeteuk squirm with a bittersweet feeling. After all, Kangin will always be so close yet so far.
Eeteuk keeps his composure because that’s all he has left and tries to remember his lines. He only stutters, the silence is deafening, Kangin still smiles.
“Am I making you speechless?” Fan service. Something Kangin is so damn good at. So damn good, he’s fooling everyone in the world including Eeteuk.
His words, words he wants Kangin to hear, never reach anyone’s ears not even his own, as the crowd shouts and screams and demands for more.
Not crying, not breaking down and running away from Kangin takes a lot of effort as the screams get louder. Kangin pulls him a little closer and pushes the strands of hair neatly across Eeteuk’s forehead. It takes more from him when Kangin looks at him like he cares, and Eeteuk knows it’s all just an act. But before he can fight it, he’s grinning at Kangin, his face flushed. He only hopes Kangin believes he’s acting too.
---
At the studio it’s different, nothing like what’s seen on TV. They practice next to each other because that’s what the dance calls for, but their distance exceeds that of California to New York. No one speaks except to explain the dance steps to one another. Anything beyond that is lost in the thick awkwardness that Eeteuk and Kangin create.
Sometimes even bullet proof glass cracks.
“I’m tired of this.” Someone speaks first, leaves the room, and one by one the line is repeated and the door is opened. Eeteuk is too busy staring at himself in the mirror, it’s a stranger he sees though, to admire who was brave enough to walk away from something he himself couldn’t.
Kangin stands still, barely feeling anything as his band mates push pass him unnecessarily.
“When I look at Eeteuk, I don’t see him.” Eeteuk’s voice scares him, makes him so nervous that he bites his tongue trying to inhale. “Do you see him?”
Kangin exhales with a hiss, looks at Eeteuk who still peers at his image on the mirrored walls. He honestly doesn’t know how to answer. When he looks at Eeteuk, it’s not Eeteuk he sees either. But it’s flowers, candy, and soda pop. An angel who pushes as Kangin pulls away.
“Can I?” Eeteuk’s voice shakes, there’s a honest smile gracing his lips. Kangin forgets to inhale and just exhales. “Can I blame you?”
Kangin isn’t surprised. He’d blame himself in a split second if he had enough courage to do so. He doesn’t say anything.
When Kangin doesn’t reply, it infuriates Eeteuk a tiny bit more that it should and he has Kangin’s superior build against one of the mirrored walls in a split second. His hands shake, his eyes glare; he has never felt so damn small.
There’s still no surprise element, but he gasps anyway because he needs to breath somehow. He can see their position in the mirror. It looks awkward, being overtaken by someone smaller, prettier, better than him and it makes him laugh.
Eeteuk can’t decide what to do first. Cry. Scream. Yell. Throttle. Or just hug Kangin till he gets the same results as the other several.
“Why am I not enough?” He sounds weak, sounds desperate, sounds entirely different from the point he is trying to get across.
Telling the truth is far from Kangin’s mind, in fact the truth is near ready to push Eeteuk to the floor and love him for every time Kangin didn’t. But Kangin doesn’t even dare move against the frail hands that pin him to the wall.
“You just aren’t.” And a lie attacks Eeteuk instead. “Let’s get back to work.”
---
Sometimes when pretending Kangin is sleeping next to him isn’t enough, Eeteuk crawls through the window of Kangin’s bedroom because Kangin always forgets to set the alarm. Then once Eeteuk is sure Kangin is fast asleep he curls himself underneath the blanket, but never touches Kangin. Never. And it’s no different tonight.
Kangin wonders about a lot of things. Like how long Eeteuk’s break-ins were going to continue. Or how long he would let them continue. Kangin knows a lot of things. Like how warm It is with Eeteuk so close by. Or for the time being when everything’s dark, Kangin never can deny Eeteuk of love. Never. And it’s no different tonight.
I can be weak when no one is watching.
Because when there’s no one to judge him, no one to say his love is false, and no one to tell him how damn foolish he is running away from everything he wants….
…he’s free to fall.
.