The news of the day
Not that anyone asked for my opinion, but since this is my journal I'm going to write down my thoughts anyway. This begins with the hashtag Yesallwomen.
I'm going to begin right up front by saying that I wasn't part of the origin of this conversation or hashtag. I also haven't made much effort to actually seek out the origin or follow the progression of the conversation. It became visible to me largely because my Twitter feed was filled with tweets from Wiscon about things being said there. From there I've watched it balloon for a few hours, and now, apparently, an internet friend has decided I'm an idiot because I challenged an example that had been retweeted into my feed.
The tweet is this:
"UNFAIR! NOT ALL MEN!" Imagine a bowl of M&Ms. 10% of them are poisoned. Go ahead. Eat a handful. Not all M&Ms are poison. #YesAllWomen
Later, that was followed by another:
Not ALL men harass women. But ALL women have, at some point, been harassed by men. Food for thought. #YesAllWomen
So, here's my take and the reasons why.
I should probably begin by pointing out that I am a old white guy. I grew up in a time that was different from now, facing issues and problems that were very different than today. We didn't have the internet and we didn't take selfies.
So, where to being. The first problem that I see is that the conversation wants to deal with stereotypes, and there are several implied or stated:
Women dress provocatively, and are, therefore, asking for it.
Men don't take No for an answer.
All women are somehow the same.
All men are somehow the same.
The biggest problem is that the existing stereotypes are wrong, and they only lead to new (wrong) ones. I don't assume women who dress provocatively are "asking for it." I do assume that either they are trying to impress other women...or they are trying to attract the attention of men. Let's face it, if you wear a pair of skin-tight jeans with a bunch of rhinestones plastered on the back pockets you really can't complain if people look at your butt. If you didn't want that, why would you wear that flashing neon sign that says "Notice me!" Ladies, you're not that dumb. Yes, it's what the so-called stylists are producing, but they're doing that for a reason...and we all know what that reason is. Let's not pretend otherwise. The same can be said for wearing no bra and a neckline that plunges to your navel. We all know why you do it...so don't pretend to be offended if it attracts too much attention.
Now, all that silliness aside, no, it doesn't mean you're "asking for it." What it does mean is open for interpretation, and that's a problem. Not everyone, male or female, reads that message the same way.
The next stereotype is symbolized by that bowl of M&M's. See, in the bowl you can't trust anyone...or ANY MAN. That isn't really true, any more than the old line "the only good Indian is a dead Indian." There are lots of "good men" out there. According to the example, 90%. There are certainly some who aren't, but they don't wear signs, any more than the good ones do. They pretty much blend in most of the time so that makes things difficult. I get that. I'm not justifying anything, I just understand that the bad guys look a lot like the good guys. That's sorta like Vietnam or Iraq...the bad guys don't wear a uniform.
Lastly, there is implied a stereotype that this only works one way. Women get raped by bad men. Any discussion that suggests a woman might somehow be at fault is immediately challenged as blaming the victim, and I have two thoughts about that.
First, I am rather certain that in a select few cases consensual sex becomes rape only after the fact. I'm not accusing anybody of anything, I just think it probably happens now and then. Call it buyer's remorse or whatever. I don't think it's that common, but I'm not buying that it never happens. Does that mean I'm going soft on rapists? Nope. I'm just saying what I believe can be true.
Second, guess what! If the bowl contains female M&M's then some of them are poisoned too. The Duke lacrosse team discovered that...and it cost many of them the rest of their lives. They were branded as rapists, stripped of athletic futures, school, and a host of other things. They spent thousands hiring lawyers and defending themselves. They were decried and publicly hung time and again. Whoops. Then it turns out the whole thing was a lie. There was also a recent case in Oregon where a girl claimed rape, the boy was arrested, his name splashed across the papers and internet. He was charged and jailed. There was public outcry for his head and other parts of his anatomy. There were demands for a life sentence...or worse. Then...surprise...the girl admitted she made the whole thing up because she was afraid her parents would be made because she stayed out late. The girl was never charged with anything...and the boy didn't even get an apology. BTW, his arrest record remains even though the charges were dropped as unfounded. Assuming he wanted to, he can't join the military with that non-rape rape on his record. His life is ruined.
So...while I'm strongly against rape and I've hardly made a secret of that. However, I'm also tarred with the same "stereotype brush" that paints every male as a rapist...or at the very least a potential rapist...because our society has a problem we haven't addressed. Pardon me if I don't like wearing that tar. It's like I've been arrested and charged simply because I could, someday, become a rapist. In legal terms that's call Prior Restraint. In the US it's illegal.
Let's solve the problem. But let's not start by automatically blaming every male. It's a bogus stereotype.
I'm going to begin right up front by saying that I wasn't part of the origin of this conversation or hashtag. I also haven't made much effort to actually seek out the origin or follow the progression of the conversation. It became visible to me largely because my Twitter feed was filled with tweets from Wiscon about things being said there. From there I've watched it balloon for a few hours, and now, apparently, an internet friend has decided I'm an idiot because I challenged an example that had been retweeted into my feed.
The tweet is this:
"UNFAIR! NOT ALL MEN!" Imagine a bowl of M&Ms. 10% of them are poisoned. Go ahead. Eat a handful. Not all M&Ms are poison. #YesAllWomen
Later, that was followed by another:
Not ALL men harass women. But ALL women have, at some point, been harassed by men. Food for thought. #YesAllWomen
So, here's my take and the reasons why.
I should probably begin by pointing out that I am a old white guy. I grew up in a time that was different from now, facing issues and problems that were very different than today. We didn't have the internet and we didn't take selfies.
So, where to being. The first problem that I see is that the conversation wants to deal with stereotypes, and there are several implied or stated:
Women dress provocatively, and are, therefore, asking for it.
Men don't take No for an answer.
All women are somehow the same.
All men are somehow the same.
The biggest problem is that the existing stereotypes are wrong, and they only lead to new (wrong) ones. I don't assume women who dress provocatively are "asking for it." I do assume that either they are trying to impress other women...or they are trying to attract the attention of men. Let's face it, if you wear a pair of skin-tight jeans with a bunch of rhinestones plastered on the back pockets you really can't complain if people look at your butt. If you didn't want that, why would you wear that flashing neon sign that says "Notice me!" Ladies, you're not that dumb. Yes, it's what the so-called stylists are producing, but they're doing that for a reason...and we all know what that reason is. Let's not pretend otherwise. The same can be said for wearing no bra and a neckline that plunges to your navel. We all know why you do it...so don't pretend to be offended if it attracts too much attention.
Now, all that silliness aside, no, it doesn't mean you're "asking for it." What it does mean is open for interpretation, and that's a problem. Not everyone, male or female, reads that message the same way.
The next stereotype is symbolized by that bowl of M&M's. See, in the bowl you can't trust anyone...or ANY MAN. That isn't really true, any more than the old line "the only good Indian is a dead Indian." There are lots of "good men" out there. According to the example, 90%. There are certainly some who aren't, but they don't wear signs, any more than the good ones do. They pretty much blend in most of the time so that makes things difficult. I get that. I'm not justifying anything, I just understand that the bad guys look a lot like the good guys. That's sorta like Vietnam or Iraq...the bad guys don't wear a uniform.
Lastly, there is implied a stereotype that this only works one way. Women get raped by bad men. Any discussion that suggests a woman might somehow be at fault is immediately challenged as blaming the victim, and I have two thoughts about that.
First, I am rather certain that in a select few cases consensual sex becomes rape only after the fact. I'm not accusing anybody of anything, I just think it probably happens now and then. Call it buyer's remorse or whatever. I don't think it's that common, but I'm not buying that it never happens. Does that mean I'm going soft on rapists? Nope. I'm just saying what I believe can be true.
Second, guess what! If the bowl contains female M&M's then some of them are poisoned too. The Duke lacrosse team discovered that...and it cost many of them the rest of their lives. They were branded as rapists, stripped of athletic futures, school, and a host of other things. They spent thousands hiring lawyers and defending themselves. They were decried and publicly hung time and again. Whoops. Then it turns out the whole thing was a lie. There was also a recent case in Oregon where a girl claimed rape, the boy was arrested, his name splashed across the papers and internet. He was charged and jailed. There was public outcry for his head and other parts of his anatomy. There were demands for a life sentence...or worse. Then...surprise...the girl admitted she made the whole thing up because she was afraid her parents would be made because she stayed out late. The girl was never charged with anything...and the boy didn't even get an apology. BTW, his arrest record remains even though the charges were dropped as unfounded. Assuming he wanted to, he can't join the military with that non-rape rape on his record. His life is ruined.
So...while I'm strongly against rape and I've hardly made a secret of that. However, I'm also tarred with the same "stereotype brush" that paints every male as a rapist...or at the very least a potential rapist...because our society has a problem we haven't addressed. Pardon me if I don't like wearing that tar. It's like I've been arrested and charged simply because I could, someday, become a rapist. In legal terms that's call Prior Restraint. In the US it's illegal.
Let's solve the problem. But let's not start by automatically blaming every male. It's a bogus stereotype.