Feel'n perdy gewd!
Like the headline says. I'm doing pretty well lately. Emotional wise.
Like I said I've been taking my old tried and true meds for like 2 days already and I can already feel the good effects coming back! I'm suddenly more positive. My concentration is blossoming. My hunger is starting to curb. It's becoming more and more easy to converse with strangers and relate to friends. I'm able to write songs without really thinking. Plus just a bunch of other stuff that I liked about it before!
I'm not gonna let them free clinic quacks change it this time. Plus it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cheaper. Which is good for a no goodnic like myself.
Against my own good judgement I got some pain meds for my foot today... I really really thought heavily against it because not only am I now alcohol free... But I've decided to leave as little temptation around me as possible. Not exactly because it's recreationally kick ass, but because when I'm down that's when I normally do such things. But I totally twisted my ankle last night and it hurts like heck! That's right... I said heck! But it was sorta worth it I guess? I was walking home and I saw this pick up truck with monster truck wheels totally plow over the front end of a small car! But me trying to run the other way resulted in my foot caught in a dang pot hole. Twisting it. Athough I do enjoy Vicoden's allure. I honestly have grown to not really care anymore for not only it's effects... But also alcohol or any sort of depressant or stimulant in general. Ever since I've been on and off with my old meds I've like lost my entire feeling for them. Alcohol and opiates make me feel like I just drank an entire bottle of salt water and I get sickish to my stomach. I like this side effect though. I only sort of act like an ass when I drink any ways. Plus given how I've acted in the past and how my entire family seems to handle the sauce... Well... I think it's good to break away from that and begin a new chain of positive living.
I also only allowed them to give me 5 of those pills. Making sure nothing could really be accomplished if I happened to get sad or something. I actually don't feel like how I used to on these though. It's weird. I feel more like I'm sick to my stomach and just spacey than high or good. I guess I should be greatful that it's letting me walk without cringing. And I'll probably regret somewhat getting so few when I'm forced to walk really funny to lessen the pain. Or having to sit every three seconds... But I think it's important in the long run. Plus I'd rather try to beat out any sort of drug in my life in order to help myself stay clean. It's important to me.
It's so weird that I'm always so freaking upbeat and optimistic when I take these meds? For one I know that I could never think like this on my own other wise. Since I am at a place where we have cable I devour TLC, Discovery (Go Mythbusters!!!), History, PBS, and other such channels! And On Demand is pretty kick ass! :-D
I saw this documentary on depression and the human brain. It was like one of a few shows dealing with certain things with the body that are like marvels in on themselves. The whole thing about seratonin and other chemicals are really fascinating to me. The whole feild of psychology is really. Like certain chemicals are produced when you get angry or scared that enable your body to fight off pain and induce adreniline to make you actually have more strength! Or how stress can make you physically ill!
Did you know that stress actually shortens your DNA strands? Making you age quicker because you're basically reducing the amount of times you're able to reproduce cells. Although this is reversable, it just takes longer as you get older. And of course the older you get the more wear and tear you recieve. This causes aging.
Plus books at the library kick ass too! In short... It's very hard for me to accept that this may really be a genetic disorder and the chemicals in my brain really do make me sad and gain weight and have back pain. And it sucks to no end that taking this medication really does relieve back pain and I for no reason have so much positivity! I'm not sure that's a word? Oh well... If not then woo ha! I'm webster!!! :-D
I'm gonna stick to it this time. As I said it makes me physically feel better. I feel healthier. My friends seem to enjoy my company! Well... The ones who like it when I'm happy and energetic. The ones who don't all seem to be pretty dull themselves. Not saying that I want to abandon my friendship with them. I'll just have to learn how to be around them with this new found love for life. Either that or calm the fuck down around them. :-P
Plus it makes me last like a porn star. B-)
Yes... You needed to know that! Heh heh... Um... Yeah...
I'm excited about tonight and Sunday. I wanna go to see The Photo Atlas, yet I also wanna see Fissure Mystic. Hopefully a red headed princess will rescue me from the shackles of public transportation and escort me to two of the coolest gigs in town!
It's been so long since I've hung out with my old buds and bud-desses. :-)
I've recently gotten a hold of Mr King, which was really pleasant. It's doubtful Ginkins will rise again at this point but it's super great that things are in the past. I would love to get to hang out with Jessica and Leigha and Brianna again if the chance arrises. Same with Ian Cooke. It would be more than a world of awesome to know how Mandy and Karla are doing. Same with the old band friends I had in Codename: TRXIE and Pukemop. Still one of the best band names I've ever heard! Even if you don't like it you're sure to notice it! :-P
I actually ran into Jeremy Owen on the street today!!! He was with his new boyfriend (Yet old friend who just got closer) and it was a pleasure! Although I was a little loopey it was nice carrying conversations with the two. I miss hanging out and old times. But then again people grow. You can really just hope that they grow in a direction that can squeeze you in every now and again. Besides... It's good that he found somebody. Of course it's natural to be a little jealous that their free time can't be occupied by you any more. But being happy instead is healthier in the long run. I hope it works out for him. :-)
Catching up was kick ass! It's amazing how people's lives enrich or change so much during the time away that you don't see them.
I really dislike the isolation I have taking care of my mother... I simply love living and going downtown because no matter how much I say it's not true... I'm a social person! Even when I was a kid and would go for weeks without talking to ANYONE I would still engross myself in class discussions or talk on the phone for hours with who ever wanted to talk. Although in middle and high school I almost never had to call anyone... I had two amazing friends who would initiate it. :-)
Then again one was a suicidal wiccan who eventually did what she kept theatening to do... But the other was my first ever non violent and good friend whom I made in 9th grade. I still talk to him every now and again. The thing about isolation was again a culprit. Being in the middle of the woods with no public transportation and no internet made it hard growing up. And with the cheap rent it was a magnet for trailer trash to move in next to us. Most of the kids were just so amazingly evil that it boggles my mind how any of them ever got through school! But as I said it was really hard having no other kids around in your formative years. So of course you'd gravitate toward anyone around in your age group. No matter how mean they are. One even broke my arm!!! But afterwards for like a year there was no one else in the area so I kept going back. Perhaps being the seed of some of my problems right there?
Isn't it weird how when you write things out it starts to make sense and pieces come together?
I hope I continue to self improve. I really would like it if my friends let me know about things that I need to work on. Tom Murphy is really good at this. :-)
Maybe even just set me aside and let me know. I'm already feeling like I'm ready to move on. So it would be greatly appreciated and it would make me feel like my friends are looking out for me.
I have tons more thoughts on this subject among hundreds of other things... But I know that if I keep going I'll never stop. :-P
Perhaps... Next time?
Till next time!!!
Like I said I've been taking my old tried and true meds for like 2 days already and I can already feel the good effects coming back! I'm suddenly more positive. My concentration is blossoming. My hunger is starting to curb. It's becoming more and more easy to converse with strangers and relate to friends. I'm able to write songs without really thinking. Plus just a bunch of other stuff that I liked about it before!
I'm not gonna let them free clinic quacks change it this time. Plus it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cheaper. Which is good for a no goodnic like myself.
Against my own good judgement I got some pain meds for my foot today... I really really thought heavily against it because not only am I now alcohol free... But I've decided to leave as little temptation around me as possible. Not exactly because it's recreationally kick ass, but because when I'm down that's when I normally do such things. But I totally twisted my ankle last night and it hurts like heck! That's right... I said heck! But it was sorta worth it I guess? I was walking home and I saw this pick up truck with monster truck wheels totally plow over the front end of a small car! But me trying to run the other way resulted in my foot caught in a dang pot hole. Twisting it. Athough I do enjoy Vicoden's allure. I honestly have grown to not really care anymore for not only it's effects... But also alcohol or any sort of depressant or stimulant in general. Ever since I've been on and off with my old meds I've like lost my entire feeling for them. Alcohol and opiates make me feel like I just drank an entire bottle of salt water and I get sickish to my stomach. I like this side effect though. I only sort of act like an ass when I drink any ways. Plus given how I've acted in the past and how my entire family seems to handle the sauce... Well... I think it's good to break away from that and begin a new chain of positive living.
I also only allowed them to give me 5 of those pills. Making sure nothing could really be accomplished if I happened to get sad or something. I actually don't feel like how I used to on these though. It's weird. I feel more like I'm sick to my stomach and just spacey than high or good. I guess I should be greatful that it's letting me walk without cringing. And I'll probably regret somewhat getting so few when I'm forced to walk really funny to lessen the pain. Or having to sit every three seconds... But I think it's important in the long run. Plus I'd rather try to beat out any sort of drug in my life in order to help myself stay clean. It's important to me.
It's so weird that I'm always so freaking upbeat and optimistic when I take these meds? For one I know that I could never think like this on my own other wise. Since I am at a place where we have cable I devour TLC, Discovery (Go Mythbusters!!!), History, PBS, and other such channels! And On Demand is pretty kick ass! :-D
I saw this documentary on depression and the human brain. It was like one of a few shows dealing with certain things with the body that are like marvels in on themselves. The whole thing about seratonin and other chemicals are really fascinating to me. The whole feild of psychology is really. Like certain chemicals are produced when you get angry or scared that enable your body to fight off pain and induce adreniline to make you actually have more strength! Or how stress can make you physically ill!
Did you know that stress actually shortens your DNA strands? Making you age quicker because you're basically reducing the amount of times you're able to reproduce cells. Although this is reversable, it just takes longer as you get older. And of course the older you get the more wear and tear you recieve. This causes aging.
Plus books at the library kick ass too! In short... It's very hard for me to accept that this may really be a genetic disorder and the chemicals in my brain really do make me sad and gain weight and have back pain. And it sucks to no end that taking this medication really does relieve back pain and I for no reason have so much positivity! I'm not sure that's a word? Oh well... If not then woo ha! I'm webster!!! :-D
I'm gonna stick to it this time. As I said it makes me physically feel better. I feel healthier. My friends seem to enjoy my company! Well... The ones who like it when I'm happy and energetic. The ones who don't all seem to be pretty dull themselves. Not saying that I want to abandon my friendship with them. I'll just have to learn how to be around them with this new found love for life. Either that or calm the fuck down around them. :-P
Plus it makes me last like a porn star. B-)
Yes... You needed to know that! Heh heh... Um... Yeah...
I'm excited about tonight and Sunday. I wanna go to see The Photo Atlas, yet I also wanna see Fissure Mystic. Hopefully a red headed princess will rescue me from the shackles of public transportation and escort me to two of the coolest gigs in town!
It's been so long since I've hung out with my old buds and bud-desses. :-)
I've recently gotten a hold of Mr King, which was really pleasant. It's doubtful Ginkins will rise again at this point but it's super great that things are in the past. I would love to get to hang out with Jessica and Leigha and Brianna again if the chance arrises. Same with Ian Cooke. It would be more than a world of awesome to know how Mandy and Karla are doing. Same with the old band friends I had in Codename: TRXIE and Pukemop. Still one of the best band names I've ever heard! Even if you don't like it you're sure to notice it! :-P
I actually ran into Jeremy Owen on the street today!!! He was with his new boyfriend (Yet old friend who just got closer) and it was a pleasure! Although I was a little loopey it was nice carrying conversations with the two. I miss hanging out and old times. But then again people grow. You can really just hope that they grow in a direction that can squeeze you in every now and again. Besides... It's good that he found somebody. Of course it's natural to be a little jealous that their free time can't be occupied by you any more. But being happy instead is healthier in the long run. I hope it works out for him. :-)
Catching up was kick ass! It's amazing how people's lives enrich or change so much during the time away that you don't see them.
I really dislike the isolation I have taking care of my mother... I simply love living and going downtown because no matter how much I say it's not true... I'm a social person! Even when I was a kid and would go for weeks without talking to ANYONE I would still engross myself in class discussions or talk on the phone for hours with who ever wanted to talk. Although in middle and high school I almost never had to call anyone... I had two amazing friends who would initiate it. :-)
Then again one was a suicidal wiccan who eventually did what she kept theatening to do... But the other was my first ever non violent and good friend whom I made in 9th grade. I still talk to him every now and again. The thing about isolation was again a culprit. Being in the middle of the woods with no public transportation and no internet made it hard growing up. And with the cheap rent it was a magnet for trailer trash to move in next to us. Most of the kids were just so amazingly evil that it boggles my mind how any of them ever got through school! But as I said it was really hard having no other kids around in your formative years. So of course you'd gravitate toward anyone around in your age group. No matter how mean they are. One even broke my arm!!! But afterwards for like a year there was no one else in the area so I kept going back. Perhaps being the seed of some of my problems right there?
Isn't it weird how when you write things out it starts to make sense and pieces come together?
I hope I continue to self improve. I really would like it if my friends let me know about things that I need to work on. Tom Murphy is really good at this. :-)
Maybe even just set me aside and let me know. I'm already feeling like I'm ready to move on. So it would be greatly appreciated and it would make me feel like my friends are looking out for me.
I have tons more thoughts on this subject among hundreds of other things... But I know that if I keep going I'll never stop. :-P
Perhaps... Next time?
Till next time!!!