Chapter 3
Chapter 3
I'm awake again. I'm staring at the shower curtain, no one heard the scream thank god. but i must have been out for hours, my skin looks like prunes... i have more cuts. Where did they come from? I wonder, then i notice the sharpened toothbrush on the floor. Filed down by scraping and friction, the cuts on my arms and legs came from it. My doctors wont' be too pleased with me. I sigh with defeat. I guess i have to live with it. as I pick myself up slowly off of the shower floor i notice the mix of blood in the water. being wary of my new cuts, I slowly get out of the shower and turn off the water. I need to bandage the gashes before i can dress or they will bleed through my clothing. I look for the roll of bandages the nurse had earlier. Oh yeah, different room. I walk over to the closet to look for a shirt i can rip to tie around my chest where the gashes are streaked with blood and water. I find one and dress the wounds, I then grab something to wear that will hide my body and get dressed. That gentle whooshing sound, and a person walks in.
A girl maybe about 5 foot even was standing smiling at the door way. I didn't recognize her. The panic starts to rise.
"Hi Legion, are you ready for your session today?" the girl asks, I don't know her, wait she called me Legion. i think to myself, i fall back reeling with the realization. I haven't been out for hours but days, what day was it? I think to myself as i start to rock on the floor clutching my head. The confusion is a very palpable thing. very tangible and painful at once. "Oh my god are you ok?" she reaches towards me noticing that I'm doubling over with the anguish of confusion. "You're not Legion are you? You must be Samantha." I jerk my head up and catch her eyes with mine. Her eyes are ice blue. I have to stay focused. Who is this girl? "Oh you must want to know who i am, I'm Maxine, I'm your neighbor here, it's time for our group session. It's Tuesday. don't you remember anything?" she asks me while still offering her hand. I start to stammer through sentences. I can't quite make out the words.
"It's... It's ... " I'm still reeling with the realization of the time shift. "It's ... Tuesday? But when i went... oh my god." I turn my head and start to violently vomit. i then start to hyperventilate and Maxine runs out. The next thing i remember is doctor Provose and two other women looking over me with a light in my eyes. The connect the dots on the ceiling panels and I black out.
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I have to try to do something I think to myself. I look out the mirror that is my eyes. her eyes. I can almost taste the passage of time because it has truly been that long. She can't keep me under check forever.
as i come out of my daze, I realize the day. It's Friday after all and it's the worst day of the week for dealing with things of this stature. I haven't been out of the shell I've lived in for years. I feel a great gap in my head. I'm groggy with too much sleep and I need so badly to cut. I'm at dryad's she has a razor... Wait, What would Dryad think? I start to speak into the conversation Dryad and Samantha were having. I screw up.
"So i think i might try to get back together with Martin." There i go, the slip up. Dryad doesn't know about Martin, she thinks that I'm a Lesbian because of Samantha's sexual preferences. This is going to be an awkward discussion later. but for now on to what needs to happen. on to the razor and my flesh.
"who is Martin, i thought you were dating Kim?" She asks realizing something is off she starts to draw back a bit.
No matter how hard i try i can never be as clean and warm as Sam is, i try and try and it never works. I'm the monster after all, the one who comes out when Sam is too weak to fix things herself, and this time she isn't anywhere near strong enough, that intense urge to cut comes on even stronger still. I get up, i go to the doorway.
"wait don't go, sit and talk to me, just don't leave in this state please? last time you did you ended up in Juvenile hall. please don't leave me like this? please?" Dryad was always stronger then Sam but Sam doesn't know how much that She means to Dryad and the others. Sam is the glue factor to the entire group. She is what holds them together, how can she do that when she can't hold herself together? I'll be the broken angel for her. I'll bear the indecencies and the indignity of it all and give Sam the life she needs. but for now i have to take care of my needs. I start to go to the hallway and down it to the bathroom. Dryad chases after me, maybe knowing my intentions, maybe not knowing. so i give a hug to her and tell her not to worry before i give a small smirk and disappear from view closing the door behind me. The chink of the lock and i hear the banging already. she tries to come in but i won't let her. She yells for me to come out to not do this to her, but i heed no words that mortal women speak. nor mortal man for that matter. I hear her yell for the others. i have to be quick about it if it will get done before they come for me and her.
I find what I'm looking for above the mirror, where she always keeps it. i take it down and look at it, it's sharp... a straight razor. I know what i want to do, the razor calls to me, it's song, it's glittering dance of light. I grimace as i run it across my ribs and thighs, across my entire body. well our entire body. It's the only way to feel whole again. Hopefully they will know what is up, hopefully Dryad already made the call. Hopefully Mei and Rae will get the idea and do what needs to be done while the ambulance comes. I call out to dryad, telling her about my life. I hear the tears through the door and the silent pleas that come from the other side beg me not to leave. I hear her run out of the hall into her room and i know she's calling the hospital. I tell her it's ok. I let her know that i'm not a monster, i just am. I let her feel the truth of it without divulging our dirty little secret.
When the paramedics arrive they have to bust down the door to get me out, i fight them with what little strength is left in the weak body that both me and Sam inhabit. as they drug me with Thorazine and strap me to the stretcher, i fight still, I don't need the medication, I don't need their help. They of course have heard it all before. Just another crazy girl trying to take her own life. How pathetically wrong they were. What will Sam think now? I just have to push on for her sake, now just to get her to realize as easily as possible without freaking her out what is going on with her life and with me. Especially with Kim. And with Martin. or has it been so long that she doesn't remember? I truthfully can't tell. The pain keeps me connected to this plane as they drive me to the hospital. I think hard on the issue at hand during the ride.
when we arrive at the ER, I sit there on my stretcher waiting for them to sow up the large gashes, but they end up not doing it. they say it's not deep enough to require stitches, and that's fine i guess, it's not pertinent to my mission. what is pertinent is keeping in touch with reality. and that means feeling pain. as i said it's what keeps me connected and not in slumber. I have to do this mission, i have to be the monster, i have to have anger. I scream, the ER seems to stand still at the ear splitting screech i just let out. a few nurses come, one puts me on sedatives. I struggle against the drowsiness at first but at last, i lose my hold and fall to sleep.
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When i awaken It's been a day I've tried to break it to her as easily as i could, I'm the broken one i told her, I'm the damaged one. She saw my knife and screamed, i took over to keep things cool with the orderlies. That's why I'm here, don't freak out. I have to keep my cool... I'm in the floor of the shower, i pick myself up. just in time, the nurse comes in...
"Sam are you ok? i heard screaming." she sounds flushed, i look right at her, i could never be as warm as Sam, i always come off as cold. "I'm ok, i just saw a mouse." I sound like an android, no emotion. I can't keep up appearances. She stops in her tracks, she looks baffled, and starts to walk back towards the door. she knows that something is off. I walk towards her with purpose, she stops against the wall, missing the door by a few feet. she looks startled by my cold march to come and meet her. “Sam what are you doing?”
I reach over and pull a fuzzy out of her hair and attempt to smile. I look her in the eyes but i know my gaze is empty to her. like static on a television set. “I saw this in your hair and wanted to get it out for you.” She tries to smile, and then nods to thank me. “well ok then I'll let them know that there was a mouse for you, next time just come tell me please? My name is Michelle if you need anything just knock on your door.” and she starts to leave. I just stare after her as she walks out of the room.
In the main part of the room i see two beds, this room is meant for two to share... I may have a room mate.... time to get started then, i think to myself. I walk to the closet and find the clothes and stuffed animals that Mei and Rae must have brought over. I dress as good as i could, i never did like Sam's wardrobe... I dress in a black dress, with black shoes and it shows my cuts nicely. 'This should do fine.' i think to myself. I look for a hat to cover my head and find a Fedora. The black mobster hat goes well with the attire i have chosen, i take a seat on one of the beds and wait.
It didn't take long, about an hour maybe of me sitting there staring at empty walls for someone to show up with a nurse in tow. That silent wheeze, that gentle opening of the door and i get a look at who I am to spend my time with. She's slender, almost like a twig with a hidden strength behind her gaze. i recognize her immediatly for someone like me, two halves in one body. Her hair was the color of gold, and her skin like pale milk. Someone pure but twisted. unlike me cold and antiseptic. the ghost in the machine, and the living ghost herself. how fitting. Like me she is new i can taste it. her aroma makes me think of the wilderness, her scars make me think of a tiger. striped to fit in with the wild. a distorted mirror image staring at a pure angel in the mirror. I smile and i instantly know she knows about me as well. She smiles back as best she could.
The nurse rattles on for a bit, but i don't think either of us heard what she said. all i know is that she eventually gave up and left. the room filled with the empty static of two people not so alive as surviving. We sit and stare for what seems like hours. finally she says something.
"Who are you?" she asks the sam mask. her body smells like the woods like i said before, and the scent is wafting towards me as she sits. the heady aroma of burning leaves and decaying moist things makes my head swim with nostalgia. just like an autumn day.
"You can call me Legion." I make the Sam mask reply, Not so much Sam's mask but my mask too, my face. "and you are?"
"for now you can call me Serra." the angel mask replies. I can't help but smile and it feels like a real smile. "i guess we're to become friends" she adds.
"that is one thing that i don't believe to be a farce." I tell her mask and i know that somewhere there were two little girls locked in the attic screaming at the top of their lungs for release.
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After about an hour of me and Serra becoming aquainted the nurse comes back in to inform us that it is dinner time. I loop my arm through Serra's and we walk this way all the way to the cafeteria/dining area. The others give us weird looks. they are all around our age, some skinny with mental anguish, some just skinny because they lack the will to eat. some were large and rotund due to the medications they were taking, and others still a normal weight. The mix of color and scents made the hallways and public areas of the ward seem like a high school. and we were the talk of the town, fresh meat. The new girls.
When we get to the dining room she slips out from my arm and takes a place in the lunch line, i just go find a seat. i don't feel like eating today. too much is going on in my mind for me to be able to eat anything, my stomache is upset from the pills and anxiety. it's enough to make someone cut themselves. if only you could know what it's like i speak inwardly to the screaming girl behind my eyes. It's ok to be weak every once in a while, i'll carry the burden when you can't just trust me. She is still fighting me to take control, and i get a massive headache. The nausea and spinning start. Serra sits beside me and looks at me with the far away gaze. Her expression everybit as cold as mine. perfect mirrors. She doesn't speak but she offers me a roll. when i don't take it she starts to push it at me. an orderly sees it and comes over.
"Hi, why don't you want any food today?" He takes the time to glance at my wrist to the band there stating my name and age. "Samantha right?"
"I'm no more Samantha then you are willie nelson." I reply to him. "My name is Legion."
Serra looks truthfully thrown at the mention of her name. "You're name is Samantha?" she asks quizzically. The look on her face lets me know she is waking up inside, that other person is coming back. Serra though doesn't look in pain, she looks like she wants it to happen. I fight down the urge to slug the orderly. "No, I'm Legion. the body's name is Samantha." the orderly looks puzzled and reaches for his walkie-talkie. I hear him out of the corner of my consciousness start to talk on it to someone who i can only presume is the Therapist or the Psychiatrist. I ignore him and continue talking to Serra. "I know that you understand me. I know that you are two parts of one whole as well if not more." She starts to gain composure. this is no longer Serra. She died before my eyes, back to the grim sleep that we all fall into when things come back around to zero. "Serra?" i ask the girl in front of me. I know she is no more Serra then i am Samantha.
"No, I'm Anabell." she tells me and looks puzzled. she looks at the roll that she had in an outstretched hand and places it back on her tray. "I... nevermind." she gets up and walks off leaving me to my own devices. I take off my hat and lean forward letting the hair cover my face and my abandonment. She left me alone. just like everyone else does when they discover the truth. The orderlies hand on my shoulder. I turn around, and look at him, the name badge, Frank. "Come with me Samantha one of the doctors would like to meet with you now."
I just stare at him... and i feel that little ball of rage start to burn inside my chest and i get up slowly and turn away from him, i start to walk away but he follows me. When i get to the hallway he starts to talk but i ignore him and start to bolt down the hallways, flashes of color and texture in my peripheral vision make it hard to discern where i'm going. I know that there are people chasing me so i keep running. I know that Sam took track, she's a fast runner... and therefore so am i. I get to the stairs and their locked. of course there is no way out. an orderly has me by the wrist, they hold me steady while one talks. I drop my hat as i try to fight them off and my hair is wildly swinging about whipping into my eyes and stinging them. The pain is good and my headache lessens.
"You know that, that stunt back there wasn't necesary. we're all here to help you and you have to accept that fact, you can't run from what's wrong. now come with us you need to meet with one of the doctors." I shrug their grip off of me and start to walk in the group of orderlies to where they want me to go. i guess i have to accept the fact that i can't hide the secret of my existance forever. That and Sam does need this. she needs help so i grab my hat from the floor fitting it back to my head, and solemnly follow.
The headache is coming back and i know that there are others fighting me for control of Samantha... so i just stay focused, if i don't then i can't hold the control forever. I know what will happen now, because it's happened before. I'll see the doctor she'll say i'm lying or i shouldn't play around like that and dismiss the truth. and the truth is that there are many of us. not one. but many and we all inhabit this same body. Samantha is just the begining. but even with so many none are whole. everyone is missing something and for me it's love i guess. i'm always alone. We arrive at the office door and one of the orderlies opens it for me. he smirks as i walk in to the room. I hate people.
The room however is nice, the walls are painted blue and the desk is a deep mahogony or walnut finish that wraps from one side of the wall to the middle of the room and there are two chairs on the one side and one chair on the other. the computer is facing the doctor and the doctor is facing me. She's pretty maybe about 5'4" and she looks to be about 115 Lbs, in her late 20's maybe but now adays it's so hard to tell. she motions to a chair and begins to talk as i begin to sit.
"So i understand from one of the orderlies that you stated your name as something else when asked, and that you weren't eating? Why is that Samantha?" she asks as she takes a pen out of the desk and picks up the notepad in front of her. I just stare at her coldly. "ok, well i understand that the name you gave was Legion? why that specific word?" Again all she garners is silence as i stare blankly forwards. there is a window behind her and i look out of it, but alas there is nothing but cold blue sky. I look at her again and decide to give SOME response so i speak.
"Because my name is Legion." I answer her not really giving her an answer to use. she marks on her notepad.
"Ok and why the name Legion?" She looks at me expecting an explanation. So I give her another bullshit response... this could get really fun. "Because that is my name, do i ask you why you call yourself Rose? Ms. Rose Farwell?"
"No you don't, but i'm trying to help. I know your real name is Samantha O'Connell. So tell me why you think your name is Legion." She says it expecting a diffrent answer... if only she knew.
"No you know, my real name is Legion. I'm just using Sam as a vessell for which i travel into this world. I'm not who you think i am." More scribbling in her notepad.
"ok, and who are you if not Sam, Legion?" She asks the same question reworded so many times... not like i'm going to give a diffrent answer... i'm getting tired of it. "and also what kind of vessell, just tell me a little about you."
"you answered your first question yourself. as for what kind of vessell, i think that's very apparant. and a little about me.. I'm a monster, i'm the devourer, i kill, maim and laugh sadistically while i do it. I cut and i bleed, and i scream with the agony that is myself. I do drugs, i commit suicide, i drink liquor, and i play the viola. I'm not your average 21 year old girl. I wasn't always this way though... there is a lot of history behind it and i'd rather not go into it now... so if you don't mind can i go back to my room?"
"not yet no, so are you saying that you are Sam's demon? you are the dark part that inhabits someone who is possessed? " She asks. I can tell she is hiding her response... in her eyes is disgust, or maybe it's sympathy. in my eyes they are the same.
"i'm no demon. I don't possess her body, and i am not all the dark that inhabits her. there are others here in these depths and you shall learn to know them to. for it is the secret i kept for her... but now it's time for someone to know. she needs help not me. so talk to her when she reenters this body. don't try to psycho analyze me." I jump up out of the chair, turn and start to walk towards the door, an orderly comes out... I try to shoulder past him... he restrains me and sits me back in the chair... wait till i have a knife. "let. Me. Go." I can feel the cold rising. it's all i can do to keep from slugging him. I shrug loose of his grip and he lets me do it.
"I know that Sam has gone through a lot Legion and it's common knowledge between her and the doctors she sees that she has a Post traumatic stress disorder. but from what you are telling me this is not the case? I know that there have been things in her life that caused her to go a little mad, but it's ok. we're just here to help. so tell me, why weren't you eating at dinner?
"because i'm not hungry. If you are going to force me then i want no part of it. I just didn't feel like eating at the time." I tell her trying to draw attention off of our shortcomings.
"good enough, but remember, if you don't eat three meals you will be transfered to a diffrent ward. one not so privaleged." she looks disapproving. i hate when they do that. I get up to walk out. "you can go now, but remember three meals a day ok?"