the woes of huang zitao (1/1)
Title: The Woes of Huang Zitao
Pairing: Tao/Suho
Rating: PG-13
W/C: ~2k
Genre: fluff? failed comedy? romance? i don't know orz
Summary: college!au. Zitao desperately needs to get his grades up, none of his friends will help him study, and the teaching assistant for his Korean class is really, really attractive. Life is hard. (text message!fic)
A/N: Somehow, during my quest to get over writer's block, this happened. I don't even know.
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
so i’m officially on academic probation... broke the news to my parents and it did not end well
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
i’ll be at your place in ten with booze and tissues
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
tissues???
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
for when you inevitably start crying. last time you had a drunken, emotional breakdown you rubbed your snotty face all over my shirt
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
ヽ( ￣д￣;)ノ one time!! that was one time!!
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
hey quick question will you tutor me in korean
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
no
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
pls pls pls dude i NEED to get this grade up to get off academic probation ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
i’m not wufan. your whining has no effect on me.
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
screw you
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
again, not wufan. you sure you’re texting the right person?
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
oh for fuck’s sake that happened during freshman year!
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
plus i was drunk so it doesn’t COUNT
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
you were drunk, so it doesn’t count? by that logic 75% of your life doesn’t count
To: Luhan
From: Jongin
please offer to tutor zitao in korean so he stops harassing me about it
To: Jongin
From: Luhan
between soccer practice and studying for my own classes during the week, i don’t have time.
To: Luhan
From: Jongin
what do you do on the weekends then?
To: Luhan
From: Jongin
don’t answer that i already know
To: Luhan
From: Jongin
((minseok))
To: Jongin
From: Luhan
i will piss on everything you love
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
a little birdy told me you need to get your korean grade up!
To: Luhan
From: Zitao
in this analogy, what kind of bird is jongin?
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
one that’s so dumb it flies into windows
To: Luhan
From: Zitao
by "so dumb" do you mean “so drunk” and by “flies into windows” do you mean “accidentally stumbles into the deep end of the pool”
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
HOLY SHIT DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN?!
To: Luhan
From: Zitao
you miss a lot when you’re halfway across the country for matches
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
IF YOU HAVE A VIDEO I NEED IT FOR VERY IMPORTANT REASONS
To: Luhan
From: Zitao
i’ll send you the video if you agree to tutor me in korean (^_−)
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
d e a l.
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
holy shit that video is wondrous and i’m keeping it for blackmail purposes for forever
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
also i lied to get you to send me that video - i'm not tutoring you. i think you should talk to your TA instead!! apparently he's yixing's new roommate! yixing says he’s really nice!!
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
the coffee date with joonmyun went well~!
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
joonmyun? that's your TA right? i don't think a tutoring session counts as a date tao
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
i fucked up my pronunciation while trying to tell a story. he called me cute and then blushed about it for a solid fifteen minutes. and then he proceeded to pay for my shit. i'm referring to it as a date in my head, and you can't stop me. (人´3｀)⌒♡
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
that's cute in a high school sort of way but i still don't think you can call it a date when he's unaware of your study session's newfound date status
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
can too~!! （○゜ε＾○）
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
you've officially just reached a new level of thirsty. you're not even at rock bottom anymore... the force of your patheticness has broken through the metaphorical rock and landed you in the molten core of desperation
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
am i supposed to pretend like any of that made sense or
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)
To: Zitao
From: Chanyeol
yo dude i have a prob...
To: Chanyeol
From: Zitao
is this about krystal? i heard you guys broke up. sorry, man.
To: Zitao
From: Chanyeol
not abt her but it has to do w. her... see i borrowed sehun's econ txtbk n krystal might've...thought it was mine n threw it in the pool while she was raging @ me
To: Chanyeol
From: Zitao
⊙▂⊙ you do know that's his most expensive book right
To: Zitao
From: Chanyeol
yeaaaaahhhhh... which is why i have no idea what to do U GOTTA HELP ME ZITAO
To: Chanyeol
From: Zitao
get him drunk? (◡‿◡✿) alcohol fixes everything and if it doesn't you're in too deep
To: Zitao
From: Chanyeol
u just gave me the best idea EVER thanks dude i owe u
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
i stopped by chanyeol's for weed and he gave it to me for free. i'm suspicious.
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
maybe he's just trying to be nice!!
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
but this is TOO nice. he's up to something.
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
...or maybe he's not up to something and he's actually trying to apologize
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
huang zitao if you know anything about the curious case of the free weed you need to tell me right now
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
in short his ex trashed your econ book
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
...i'm way too stoned to be even remotely angry about this. you wanna come over and smoke the rest of this with me?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
i can't! i'm with joonmyun right now!!
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
oh yeah? how's that going?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
he's way too into this whole teaching thing and it's kind of boring tbh
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
isn't that the point of being tutored? to learn the shit you don't know?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
but i want to talk about HIM! (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) have i ever told you how attractive he is because holy SHIT he's a beautiful piece of art... like a greek sculpture. except shorter.
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
i'm going to have to end this conversation right now bc you talk about him every time we hang out and i think i need some joonmyun-free time. if you need me for anything in the near future you should probably call someone else because i'll be way too shit-faced to be any help
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
i have good news!!!!
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
what is it?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
i'm passing korean! also i might have sucked my TA's dick
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
part of me wants to lecture you on selling your body for a passing grade but mostly i'm just proud
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
proud enough to buy me celebratory shots?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
also i didn't do it for the grade
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
meet me at the bar in fifteen because this is a story you need to tell
To: Sehun, Jongin, Luhan
From: Yixing
Someone, ANYONE, please come pick up Zitao. He just threw up on my carpet. For the third time.
To: Yixing, Sehun
From: Zitao
wtf happened last night??? i know we left the bar to go to yixing and joonmyun's but i blacked out sometime after that and then woke up in joonmyun's bed... and fell asleep again after puking my guts out apparently and now i'm home??? WHAT IS GOING ON GUYS ⊙０⊙
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
i left after you disappeared into joonmyun's room and then i came back this morning and drove your sleeping ass home
To: Zitao
From: Yixing
You and Joonmyun had some really loud sex and I lost one night's sleep that I can never get back.
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
Can we talk?
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
that's the shittiest opening line ever
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
kyungsoo and i are taking bets on how long it'll take before you get your shit together and start going to class again
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
is that why baekhyun called me at 8am and tried to get me to drive him to class?
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
did he? that's totally cheating i'm kicking him out of the bet and letting jongdae win by default
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
seriously though... you skipped both your korean classes last week. you have to go this week or your grade is going to start slipping again!
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
i slept with my TA and then threw up all over his house. i'm not going back until i regain all of my dignity
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
and how do you plan on doing that?
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
i don't know... i found some money when i was doing laundry. can i buy my dignity back for $45?
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
no, but you can buy some good booze.
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
close enough.
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
Are you done avoiding me yet? I really need to talk to you!
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
meet me at the coffee house in a few?
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
On my way!
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
joonmyun and i are official now!! (｡♥‿♥｡)
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
oh good, now you can stop acting like a teenage girl!
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
why do i even keep you around (╥_╥)
To: Joonmyun
From: Yixing
Did you throw a party while I was visiting my parents?
To: Yixing
From: Joonmyun
Yeah, and it was legendary. Stories from last night will be passed down through the generations.
To: Joonmyun
From: Yixing
Are you going to tell me any of these stories?
To: Yixing
From: Joonmyun
Zitao slipped in the bathroom, fell backwards into a full bathtub, and somehow managed to not spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. Then he pulled me in with him. I think I'm in love.
To: Joonmyun
From: Yixing
I regret asking.
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
will you help me study for my korean final? ( ˘ ³˘)
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
Stop using those emoticons! They increase your cuteness by at least two hundred percent!
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
200%? is that even a real number? can you have percents higher than 100?
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
I don't know? I'm getting my masters in teaching, not mathematics!
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
good point! sooooo are you going to help me study or not??
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
I don't think we'll end up getting much studying done...
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
...so? (◡‿◡✿)
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
I'll be over in ten.
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
good boy! ლ(|||⌒εー|||)ლ
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
did you manage to get any studying done this weekend?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
that depends... does joonmyun bending me over the counter and dirty talking in korean count as studying?
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
jfc zitao THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
I love you more than I love beer and correct grammar.
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
the more i think about it the more i realize that this is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
joonmyun may have just said he loves me?????
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
...i fail to see where the problem is?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
HE SAID THE L WORD THAT'S THE PROBLEM
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
you guys have been attached at the hip (oh god that was the worst expression ever i'm regretting using it already the MENTAL PICTURES) for the past few months, and you both pretty much have little hearts floating over your heads when you look at each other... why are you freaking out?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
you're a good friend thank you for the pep talk
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
also wow please stop thinking about my boyfriend and i having sex that's weird, even for you sehun
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
I'M NOT TRYING TO
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
준면이~ 우리 같이 저녁 먹자! 아 그리고... 나도 사랑해❤
tao's last text says "joonmyunie~ let's eat dinner together! oh and... i love you too❤"
this might get turned into a legitimate fic at some point. maybe. uwu
Pairing: Tao/Suho
Rating: PG-13
W/C: ~2k
Genre: fluff? failed comedy? romance? i don't know orz
Summary: college!au. Zitao desperately needs to get his grades up, none of his friends will help him study, and the teaching assistant for his Korean class is really, really attractive. Life is hard. (text message!fic)
A/N: Somehow, during my quest to get over writer's block, this happened. I don't even know.
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
so i’m officially on academic probation... broke the news to my parents and it did not end well
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
i’ll be at your place in ten with booze and tissues
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
tissues???
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
for when you inevitably start crying. last time you had a drunken, emotional breakdown you rubbed your snotty face all over my shirt
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
ヽ( ￣д￣;)ノ one time!! that was one time!!
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
hey quick question will you tutor me in korean
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
no
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
pls pls pls dude i NEED to get this grade up to get off academic probation ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
i’m not wufan. your whining has no effect on me.
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
screw you
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
again, not wufan. you sure you’re texting the right person?
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
oh for fuck’s sake that happened during freshman year!
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
plus i was drunk so it doesn’t COUNT
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
you were drunk, so it doesn’t count? by that logic 75% of your life doesn’t count
To: Luhan
From: Jongin
please offer to tutor zitao in korean so he stops harassing me about it
To: Jongin
From: Luhan
between soccer practice and studying for my own classes during the week, i don’t have time.
To: Luhan
From: Jongin
what do you do on the weekends then?
To: Luhan
From: Jongin
don’t answer that i already know
To: Luhan
From: Jongin
((minseok))
To: Jongin
From: Luhan
i will piss on everything you love
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
a little birdy told me you need to get your korean grade up!
To: Luhan
From: Zitao
in this analogy, what kind of bird is jongin?
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
one that’s so dumb it flies into windows
To: Luhan
From: Zitao
by "so dumb" do you mean “so drunk” and by “flies into windows” do you mean “accidentally stumbles into the deep end of the pool”
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
HOLY SHIT DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN?!
To: Luhan
From: Zitao
you miss a lot when you’re halfway across the country for matches
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
IF YOU HAVE A VIDEO I NEED IT FOR VERY IMPORTANT REASONS
To: Luhan
From: Zitao
i’ll send you the video if you agree to tutor me in korean (^_−)
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
d e a l.
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
holy shit that video is wondrous and i’m keeping it for blackmail purposes for forever
To: Zitao
From: Luhan
also i lied to get you to send me that video - i'm not tutoring you. i think you should talk to your TA instead!! apparently he's yixing's new roommate! yixing says he’s really nice!!
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
the coffee date with joonmyun went well~!
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
joonmyun? that's your TA right? i don't think a tutoring session counts as a date tao
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
i fucked up my pronunciation while trying to tell a story. he called me cute and then blushed about it for a solid fifteen minutes. and then he proceeded to pay for my shit. i'm referring to it as a date in my head, and you can't stop me. (人´3｀)⌒♡
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
that's cute in a high school sort of way but i still don't think you can call it a date when he's unaware of your study session's newfound date status
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
can too~!! （○゜ε＾○）
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
you've officially just reached a new level of thirsty. you're not even at rock bottom anymore... the force of your patheticness has broken through the metaphorical rock and landed you in the molten core of desperation
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
am i supposed to pretend like any of that made sense or
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)
To: Zitao
From: Chanyeol
yo dude i have a prob...
To: Chanyeol
From: Zitao
is this about krystal? i heard you guys broke up. sorry, man.
To: Zitao
From: Chanyeol
not abt her but it has to do w. her... see i borrowed sehun's econ txtbk n krystal might've...thought it was mine n threw it in the pool while she was raging @ me
To: Chanyeol
From: Zitao
⊙▂⊙ you do know that's his most expensive book right
To: Zitao
From: Chanyeol
yeaaaaahhhhh... which is why i have no idea what to do U GOTTA HELP ME ZITAO
To: Chanyeol
From: Zitao
get him drunk? (◡‿◡✿) alcohol fixes everything and if it doesn't you're in too deep
To: Zitao
From: Chanyeol
u just gave me the best idea EVER thanks dude i owe u
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
i stopped by chanyeol's for weed and he gave it to me for free. i'm suspicious.
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
maybe he's just trying to be nice!!
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
but this is TOO nice. he's up to something.
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
...or maybe he's not up to something and he's actually trying to apologize
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
huang zitao if you know anything about the curious case of the free weed you need to tell me right now
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
in short his ex trashed your econ book
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
...i'm way too stoned to be even remotely angry about this. you wanna come over and smoke the rest of this with me?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
i can't! i'm with joonmyun right now!!
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
oh yeah? how's that going?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
he's way too into this whole teaching thing and it's kind of boring tbh
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
isn't that the point of being tutored? to learn the shit you don't know?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
but i want to talk about HIM! (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) have i ever told you how attractive he is because holy SHIT he's a beautiful piece of art... like a greek sculpture. except shorter.
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
i'm going to have to end this conversation right now bc you talk about him every time we hang out and i think i need some joonmyun-free time. if you need me for anything in the near future you should probably call someone else because i'll be way too shit-faced to be any help
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
i have good news!!!!
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
what is it?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
i'm passing korean! also i might have sucked my TA's dick
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
part of me wants to lecture you on selling your body for a passing grade but mostly i'm just proud
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
proud enough to buy me celebratory shots?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
also i didn't do it for the grade
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
meet me at the bar in fifteen because this is a story you need to tell
To: Sehun, Jongin, Luhan
From: Yixing
Someone, ANYONE, please come pick up Zitao. He just threw up on my carpet. For the third time.
To: Yixing, Sehun
From: Zitao
wtf happened last night??? i know we left the bar to go to yixing and joonmyun's but i blacked out sometime after that and then woke up in joonmyun's bed... and fell asleep again after puking my guts out apparently and now i'm home??? WHAT IS GOING ON GUYS ⊙０⊙
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
i left after you disappeared into joonmyun's room and then i came back this morning and drove your sleeping ass home
To: Zitao
From: Yixing
You and Joonmyun had some really loud sex and I lost one night's sleep that I can never get back.
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
Can we talk?
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
that's the shittiest opening line ever
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
kyungsoo and i are taking bets on how long it'll take before you get your shit together and start going to class again
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
is that why baekhyun called me at 8am and tried to get me to drive him to class?
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
did he? that's totally cheating i'm kicking him out of the bet and letting jongdae win by default
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
seriously though... you skipped both your korean classes last week. you have to go this week or your grade is going to start slipping again!
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
i slept with my TA and then threw up all over his house. i'm not going back until i regain all of my dignity
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
and how do you plan on doing that?
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
i don't know... i found some money when i was doing laundry. can i buy my dignity back for $45?
To: Zitao
From: Jongin
no, but you can buy some good booze.
To: Jongin
From: Zitao
close enough.
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
Are you done avoiding me yet? I really need to talk to you!
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
meet me at the coffee house in a few?
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
On my way!
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
joonmyun and i are official now!! (｡♥‿♥｡)
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
oh good, now you can stop acting like a teenage girl!
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
why do i even keep you around (╥_╥)
To: Joonmyun
From: Yixing
Did you throw a party while I was visiting my parents?
To: Yixing
From: Joonmyun
Yeah, and it was legendary. Stories from last night will be passed down through the generations.
To: Joonmyun
From: Yixing
Are you going to tell me any of these stories?
To: Yixing
From: Joonmyun
Zitao slipped in the bathroom, fell backwards into a full bathtub, and somehow managed to not spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. Then he pulled me in with him. I think I'm in love.
To: Joonmyun
From: Yixing
I regret asking.
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
will you help me study for my korean final? ( ˘ ³˘)
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
Stop using those emoticons! They increase your cuteness by at least two hundred percent!
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
200%? is that even a real number? can you have percents higher than 100?
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
I don't know? I'm getting my masters in teaching, not mathematics!
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
good point! sooooo are you going to help me study or not??
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
I don't think we'll end up getting much studying done...
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
...so? (◡‿◡✿)
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
I'll be over in ten.
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
good boy! ლ(|||⌒εー|||)ლ
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
did you manage to get any studying done this weekend?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
that depends... does joonmyun bending me over the counter and dirty talking in korean count as studying?
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
jfc zitao THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT
To: Zitao
From: Joonmyun
I love you more than I love beer and correct grammar.
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
the more i think about it the more i realize that this is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
joonmyun may have just said he loves me?????
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
...i fail to see where the problem is?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
HE SAID THE L WORD THAT'S THE PROBLEM
To: Zitao
From: Sehun
you guys have been attached at the hip (oh god that was the worst expression ever i'm regretting using it already the MENTAL PICTURES) for the past few months, and you both pretty much have little hearts floating over your heads when you look at each other... why are you freaking out?
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
you're a good friend thank you for the pep talk
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
also wow please stop thinking about my boyfriend and i having sex that's weird, even for you sehun
To: Sehun
From: Zitao
I'M NOT TRYING TO
To: Joonmyun
From: Zitao
준면이~ 우리 같이 저녁 먹자! 아 그리고... 나도 사랑해❤
tao's last text says "joonmyunie~ let's eat dinner together! oh and... i love you too❤"
this might get turned into a legitimate fic at some point. maybe. uwu