Japanese Models with Awful Timing 2/3
Title: Japanese Models with Awful Timing
Pairing: Chentao
Rating: R
Length: Chaptered
Summary: Zitao is an ass man and Jongdae speaks lovely Korean. This causes problems.
Part 1
Part 3
- - - - -
Minseok and Yixing sat on either side of Zitao during the meeting. He listened to Wu Fan's words, watching him and nodding along to keep himself grounded in the outside world. On the inside, he was panicking, cycling through dizzying heat and numbness. The meeting ended in a blur, and Zitao felt his whole body prickle as he walked past Jongdae to go back to his room.
-
He stood between the two beds in his hotel room, at loss for things to do until their afternoon interview. Many things could have kept him occupied, if he hadn't been afraid of triggering another Pavlovian case of arousal. It may have been the lingering denial, but he still refused to jerk off or vent to his diary.
-
In the van, Jongdae sat directly behind him. Zitao could feel his blood pounding through his entire body. He didn't like it. He didn't like being aroused under these circumstances. Eyes closed, he listened to Jongdae and Yixing joke around in the backseat. He didn't like feeling so distant from everyone.
-
Being aroused was just another impulse to suppress during the interview, like the urge to space out, roll his eyes at Yixing's long pauses, or judge the host. He found himself to be quite good at controlling himself on set, but he was back to square one once the cameras stopped rolling.
- - -
Jongdae leaned against the van, checking his phone. The sharp angle of his cheekbones caught Zitao's attention, possibly for the first time in their natural state, without the enhancement of makeup or professional lighting. He quietly walked up to the elder, who raised his head slightly without looking up from his phone.
"I just got a text from Jongin. He says not to believe whatever Chanyeol texts me today."
Zitao smirked. Jongdae's phone beeped.
"Oh, and here's Chanyeol...'No matter what anyone says, it wasn't my fault!'"
Another beep.
"It's Baekhyun: 'The bad news is we lost four of the outfits for our comeback. The good news is I have video footage to explain why. And it's hilarious.' Wait, what?"
Minseok walked up to them, slightly distracted by his own phone browsing.
"Minseok hyung- "
"Do you have any idea why Kyungsoo is sending me crying emoticons and talking about digging himself a tunnel to the center of the earth?"
Jongdae and Minseok hovered over the screen of the eldest's phone, arms wrapped around each other.
"No, sorry. Any news from Junmyun hyung?" asked Jongdae.
"No, nothing."
"I say we pretend we don't know something's up, and then ask him how his day was. You know, to make him squirm?"
Minseok giggled in anticipation. Zitao felt Yixing sidle up to him and poke him in the ribs.
"Get in the car," he said. He turned to Jongdae and Minseok. "It's time to go."
- - -
That evening, Wu Fan walked into the room he shared with Lu Han and Yixing to find Zitao in a loving embrace with his air mattress, facing the doorway with a dead expression.
"Tao, what the...does this have anything with the five blank texts I got from you this afternoon?"
"I didn't mean to press 'Send'..." Zitao clawed distractedly at the mattress.
"Hey, why don't you tell me what's up...let me just sit down here-no that's Lu Han's bed...here." Wu Fan sat himself on the floor next to his own bed, eyes level with Zitao's. He tilted his head in curiosity. "So, what's wrong?"
Zitao sighed, finally meeting his gaze.
Korean isn't even that sexy.
I know I'm not gay.
I know I'm not in love with Jongdae hyung.
I do, however, keep getting the impression that I sort of really want to grope him.
And that's probably the one thing in this world that is truly impossible.
There is something to be said about how this is entirely the fault of a badly-timed ad on a gaming site.
I can't tell if this is the best or the worst time to rent more porn.
"It's okay if you can't explain it in a single sentence; just tell me how you're feeling right now."
"...I feel like a mess."
"A mess?"
"Yes. How do you get rid of feelings?"
Wu Fan gave a confused smile.
"How do you get rid of what?"
"Feelings."
"You really won't tell me any more than that, will you?"
Zitao gave his head a brief shake.
Wu Fan pulled on his ankles to get himself into a cross-legged position, expression thoughtful.
"Keeping it inside isn't going to make it go away. I mean, you don't have to tell me, or even tell anyone, but...you could write about it, like you always do? Something to help you think more clearly and then forget about it?"
Zitao wasn't sure he wanted to think any more clearly about the pages upon pages of gay erotica wrapped around his brain, each one starring at least some part of Jongdae's body. But, when his loins became full of now-familiar warmth, he wasn't too sure he was ready to forget about it, either.
- - -
Jongdae was sitting in the practice room, legs out in front of him on the floor, face glistening with seat. His bangs stuck to his forehead as he reached for his toes. Zitao leaned in the doorway, watching him.
"Hyung, have you really been here all afternoon?"
"Oh, Tao!" he said, looking up at the sound of his voice. "Yeah, this new choreography has been a real b- hey, what makes you think you can join me?" His tone was indignant, as he watched Zitao walk in with a pack of six water bottles frosted with water droplets.
"Huh? I can't stretch with you?"
"Not if you're going to make me look bad in comparison..." he pouted.
Zitao shrugged as if it couldn't be helped.
Jongdae tilted his head back and laughed, eyes shut.
"You arrogant brat, get out of here."
Zitao pressed his lips together and turned back towards the door, shutting it behind him.
"I'm actually leaving, you know!" He shouted through the wall that separated them.
"No you're not!" Jongdae shouted back. "You brought water bottles and you left them here with me!"
"...Keep them, see if I care!"
"Oh, but you do care!"
"..."
"Come on, Tao."
"..."
"Tao, come on, come play with Hyung. OH COME ON YOU LOVE ME. WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR LOVE FOR ME?”
IT'S NOT MY LOVE I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM IT'S MY-oh fine I’ll come and play.
He choked back a tiny sob of frustration and opened the door.
-
Jongdae, seated in a half-assed version of the splits, gasped and pointed at Zitao.
“You’re struggling!”
Zitao was doing the splits properly with no sign of distress, with his body position strategically angled to fend off a slight erection from Jongdae's eyes.
"What? No...?"
Jongdae frowned at him. Or maybe his “splits” were starting to hurt his legs.
"But you look so worn out…"
"Hm? Well I feel fine..." he said as he got up, splayed out his feet and pushed his knees into a wide-set squatting position. He made sure to keep his knee between his boner and Jongdae’s gaze, presently travelling up his legs.
“You usually have more enduran-fuck you and your muscular thighs. I mean, you usually last longer than this without breaking a sweat.”
Zitao fumbled for an explanation, eyes stopping on the clock.
“Well, I have been here for two hours.”
“Two hours, huh?” said Jongdae, following his gaze with a thoughtful pout. “Impressive.”
Zitao reached over to lightly shove his shoulder. “Don’t give me that fake admiration. You’ve been here since what, right after lunch? You trying to flatter yourself indirectly or something?”
Jongdae cackled in response.
- - -
Message from: TaoTao-er
Sent: 5:43 pm
Duizha~ng >.< Maybe I can tame these feelings?
-
Message from: Duizha~ng
Sent: 5:56 pm
Oh look, finally a message with words! :P Feelings don’t have to run wild, right? You can manage them without acting on them after all ^.^ Don’t forget to tell Gege what’s going on eventually~
-
Message from: Duizha~ng
Sent: 5:59 pm
Seriously, though. Tell me what the heck is going on with you.
- - -
Showered and changed into sweatpants and tank tops after a morning at the gym, Minseok and Zitao were seated in the dining room, surrounded by bags of rice cakes and a bowl full of watermelon. Or rather, now that twenty minutes had passed, by a single bag of rice cakes and a bowl lined with watermelon juice. Minseok was pouring them more tea to take on the final bag when the front door opened.
"I'm home!" shouted Jongdae.
"Welcome back!" Minseok shouted back, setting the teapot down "How was singing practice?"
"Practice was good, yeah!" Jondae said as he walked into the dining room. "Whoa, such manly men," Jongdae said with an admiring nudge of Zitao's bicep. "Here, I got you a magazine," he said, throwing it on the table in front of Zitao. "To practice reading Korean."
"Hyu~ng!"
"Oh stop it, everyone's out filming for the drama, so you might as well get your own stuff done. Here, there's an article on Exo K."
Jongdae opened the magazine to a page with Junmyun's smiling face and settled himself behind Zitao's chair. The latter scanned the bright red text. He felt fingers flick his temple.
"Owww!"
Jongdae gave his shoulder a slight squeeze. "You're supposed to read aloud."
"Fine," and Zitao took on the introductory paragraph. "'Taking Earth by storm, a new international idol group-'"
"Don't rush," said Minseok, chewing loudly. "You're screwing up your pronunciation."
Zitao sighed.
"'A new international idol group from outer space has taken over Asia and the rest of-'"
"Okay, well rush a bit more..."
Zitao sighed and leaned back, head colliding with Jongdae's chest. He looked up at him.
"It's too hard..."
"Come on, you know what you're reading, your mouth just isn't catching up." Jongdae took a seat between Zitao and Minseok at the table. "Here, repeat after me."
-
Zitao shifted his attention from the magazine to Jongdae's careful expression as he enunciated each word for him to repeat. His eyebrows danced as he watched Zitao give the syllables a try, biting back a smile each time he slipped up. It scared him how easily he could have reached for Jongdae's face and kissed him on the corner of the mouth, were it not for Minseok watching them. It scared him that between fraternal affection and sexual attraction, there was no infatuation for him to speak of.
- - -
Zitao had been sleeping over at Exo M's dorm ever since everyone except Jongdae and Minseok were out practically every night filming for To the Beautiful You. He had gotten plenty of time to realize how badly he wanted to back Jongdae into a wall and have him cling onto him. Now, standing in the shower with the sounds of Jongdae in the other room whining to Minseok about which movie to watch, he realized how guilty he felt for letting his imagination run wild.
He closed the shower tap and reached for a towel. Jongdae would never humor his sexual experimenting.
He froze.
No.
Jongdae would humor his sexual experimenting.
Yes, Jongdae would play along.
He would giggle maniacally and get the two of them into some weird, sexual version of chicken, and Zitao would spend the whole time trying to fake a competitive streak to pretend he didn’t want it this bad, while Jongdae would inadvertently spur on his libido with snarky running commentary and a teasing grin.
Zitao could imagine Jongdae licking up his neck and punctuating it with taunts about how prudish he was, how his pink cheeks and heavy breathing made it clear he wouldn’t last much longer, how, soon, he would realize how awkward he felt doing all of this, especially with a guy. Jongdae would torment him, repeatedly whispering virgin, virgin, virgin in his ear until Zitao-
Until Zitao would pin him to the bed and kiss his collarbones and down his chest as he worked Jongdae out of his pants and he would help, Jongdae would fucking help, because he would want to prove that this was too much for a virgin, and that Zitao should just stop now.
Toweling his hair, Zitao looked at himself in the mirror with a grave expression. It was always hard to tell when Jongdae was afraid. He made sure of that. He would sooner point out your fear until your own demons chased you away from the entire situation.
Yes, Jongdae would definitely play along.
- - -
"Tao, you look like a cat," Jongdae told him.
Zitao supposed he did, sitting sideways in the doorway to the kitchen, bouncing a rubber ball against the frame and catching it in a hypnotizing rhythm.
"Tao, answer me: Are you okay?"
He kept bouncing the ball.
"Tao, you've been here all evening. Tell me what's wrong."
Zitao sighed. Jongdae sat himself on the floor next to him. They remained in silence for several minutes, save the bouncing of the ball.
"Hyung." Zitao kept his eyes on the ball.
"Hm?"
"Hyung, say...say one of my friends just came out to me."
Jongdae nodded.
"Okay. Well, that doesn't really change your relationship, does it? If he’s your friend, he's not going to hit on you or something, right?"
Zitao ducked his head with a humorless chuckle.
"Tao," Jongdae started, and he didn't continue until Zitao looked up at him, letting the ball bounce and roll away from him. "If it’s bothering you this much, it might be because you’re confused about your own sexual orientation. Or in denial.”
It pained Zitao to hold his gaze, and soon he felt his eyes well up with tears. He heard Jongdae sigh and scratch noisily at his scalp.
"Tao, it's okay. No one in the group's going to treat you any different. We all understand that it's just an orientation, and that you only see us as brothers."
You only see us as brothers.
One of which you want to back into a wall and kiss all over.
No one's going to treat you any different.
Except that Jongdae was already getting up and backing away, instead of leaning in to comfort him as he would usually.
It's okay.
But Jongdae spent the rest of the night sighing heavily and muttering to himself.
- - -
While training in Korea, Wu Fan and the other trainees became Zitao’s family. Touring with Exo, his fellow members became tiny romantic touches in the absence of girls. Now that he was seemingly exiled from Jongdae’s personal space, the rest of Exo M took his shape under Zitao's hands and within his arms.
For three days after Zitao's confession, Jongdae’s eyes in his presence could only be found glued to the floor, out of focus. On the fourth day Zitao found them trained on him, taking in how he was clinging to Minseok’s back like a baby animal. Jongdae glanced up at him from under his eyelashes, eyebrow cocked, silently asking him to reconsider his life choices. Sheepish, Zitao loosened his grip around Minseok.
On the fifth day, when Zitao got up from snuggling into Wu Fan’s chest on the couch to get something to drink from the kitchen, he felt a hand on his shoulder, heard a stern “let’s talk,” and let himself be dragged into their tiny meeting room.
- - -
Zitao was at the hiccupping stage of crying when Jongdae finally sat up straight in his chair and broke the silence:
"Tao, it's not fair to the members to use skinship like that...how are we going to solve this..."
Zitao blinked and recoiled at the word "solve," as if it had physically hit him. "Solve" his feelings? Zitao smiled bitterly at how late Jongdae had come in to help him. Too late. He had gotten passably comfortable with his feelings a while back. He had stopped fighting them even earlier. Much too late.
"What are we going to do, Tao?"
Zitao crossed his arms on the table and rested his chin on them.
"Hyung," he hiccupped, wiping an ongoing stream of tears with a fist. "I like someone," he said gently.
"Wh...who is it?"
"Guess."
"Is it me?"
Stunned, Zitao buried his face in his arms and sobbed. Jongdae gave an angry laugh.
"Fucking...what...are you...do you...what the..."
Zitao quickly wiped his runny nose and eyes on his sleeves.
"Hyung, it’s okay-"
"Are you serious? What part of you liking me is okay?"
"Well fuck!" Zitao slammed a palm on the table, done crying. "Aren't you the one who was all open-minded about gays?"
"I am, just..."
"Just what?"
Jongdae rubbed his eyes wearily
"It’s fine that you’re gay. It’s not a you being gay thing, it’s a-"
"I'm not even gay! It's just you, just this one time. This isn't about you being gay or something, is it?
Jongdae ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head with an incredulous laugh.
"Even if it's just me that you like...you're the first guy I've known personally who is attracted to another guy. And that makes me kind of..." he trailed off.
"Kind of what?" Zitao said, arms crossed over his chest with a challenging expression.
Jongdae tilted his head, letting him know his insolent tone wasn't lost on him. With an equally daring expression, he answered:
"Curious."
Zitao's jaw dropped.
"I don't know if I'm gay," Jongdae said, hunched over so that he could speak more quietly. "But I kind of want to find out."
Zitao sat back in his chair, speechless.
Well shiiit.
- - - - -
Part 3
Pairing: Chentao
Rating: R
Length: Chaptered
Summary: Zitao is an ass man and Jongdae speaks lovely Korean. This causes problems.
Part 1
Part 3
- - - - -
Minseok and Yixing sat on either side of Zitao during the meeting. He listened to Wu Fan's words, watching him and nodding along to keep himself grounded in the outside world. On the inside, he was panicking, cycling through dizzying heat and numbness. The meeting ended in a blur, and Zitao felt his whole body prickle as he walked past Jongdae to go back to his room.
-
He stood between the two beds in his hotel room, at loss for things to do until their afternoon interview. Many things could have kept him occupied, if he hadn't been afraid of triggering another Pavlovian case of arousal. It may have been the lingering denial, but he still refused to jerk off or vent to his diary.
-
In the van, Jongdae sat directly behind him. Zitao could feel his blood pounding through his entire body. He didn't like it. He didn't like being aroused under these circumstances. Eyes closed, he listened to Jongdae and Yixing joke around in the backseat. He didn't like feeling so distant from everyone.
-
Being aroused was just another impulse to suppress during the interview, like the urge to space out, roll his eyes at Yixing's long pauses, or judge the host. He found himself to be quite good at controlling himself on set, but he was back to square one once the cameras stopped rolling.
- - -
Jongdae leaned against the van, checking his phone. The sharp angle of his cheekbones caught Zitao's attention, possibly for the first time in their natural state, without the enhancement of makeup or professional lighting. He quietly walked up to the elder, who raised his head slightly without looking up from his phone.
"I just got a text from Jongin. He says not to believe whatever Chanyeol texts me today."
Zitao smirked. Jongdae's phone beeped.
"Oh, and here's Chanyeol...'No matter what anyone says, it wasn't my fault!'"
Another beep.
"It's Baekhyun: 'The bad news is we lost four of the outfits for our comeback. The good news is I have video footage to explain why. And it's hilarious.' Wait, what?"
Minseok walked up to them, slightly distracted by his own phone browsing.
"Minseok hyung- "
"Do you have any idea why Kyungsoo is sending me crying emoticons and talking about digging himself a tunnel to the center of the earth?"
Jongdae and Minseok hovered over the screen of the eldest's phone, arms wrapped around each other.
"No, sorry. Any news from Junmyun hyung?" asked Jongdae.
"No, nothing."
"I say we pretend we don't know something's up, and then ask him how his day was. You know, to make him squirm?"
Minseok giggled in anticipation. Zitao felt Yixing sidle up to him and poke him in the ribs.
"Get in the car," he said. He turned to Jongdae and Minseok. "It's time to go."
- - -
That evening, Wu Fan walked into the room he shared with Lu Han and Yixing to find Zitao in a loving embrace with his air mattress, facing the doorway with a dead expression.
"Tao, what the...does this have anything with the five blank texts I got from you this afternoon?"
"I didn't mean to press 'Send'..." Zitao clawed distractedly at the mattress.
"Hey, why don't you tell me what's up...let me just sit down here-no that's Lu Han's bed...here." Wu Fan sat himself on the floor next to his own bed, eyes level with Zitao's. He tilted his head in curiosity. "So, what's wrong?"
Zitao sighed, finally meeting his gaze.
Korean isn't even that sexy.
I know I'm not gay.
I know I'm not in love with Jongdae hyung.
I do, however, keep getting the impression that I sort of really want to grope him.
And that's probably the one thing in this world that is truly impossible.
There is something to be said about how this is entirely the fault of a badly-timed ad on a gaming site.
I can't tell if this is the best or the worst time to rent more porn.
"It's okay if you can't explain it in a single sentence; just tell me how you're feeling right now."
"...I feel like a mess."
"A mess?"
"Yes. How do you get rid of feelings?"
Wu Fan gave a confused smile.
"How do you get rid of what?"
"Feelings."
"You really won't tell me any more than that, will you?"
Zitao gave his head a brief shake.
Wu Fan pulled on his ankles to get himself into a cross-legged position, expression thoughtful.
"Keeping it inside isn't going to make it go away. I mean, you don't have to tell me, or even tell anyone, but...you could write about it, like you always do? Something to help you think more clearly and then forget about it?"
Zitao wasn't sure he wanted to think any more clearly about the pages upon pages of gay erotica wrapped around his brain, each one starring at least some part of Jongdae's body. But, when his loins became full of now-familiar warmth, he wasn't too sure he was ready to forget about it, either.
- - -
Jongdae was sitting in the practice room, legs out in front of him on the floor, face glistening with seat. His bangs stuck to his forehead as he reached for his toes. Zitao leaned in the doorway, watching him.
"Hyung, have you really been here all afternoon?"
"Oh, Tao!" he said, looking up at the sound of his voice. "Yeah, this new choreography has been a real b- hey, what makes you think you can join me?" His tone was indignant, as he watched Zitao walk in with a pack of six water bottles frosted with water droplets.
"Huh? I can't stretch with you?"
"Not if you're going to make me look bad in comparison..." he pouted.
Zitao shrugged as if it couldn't be helped.
Jongdae tilted his head back and laughed, eyes shut.
"You arrogant brat, get out of here."
Zitao pressed his lips together and turned back towards the door, shutting it behind him.
"I'm actually leaving, you know!" He shouted through the wall that separated them.
"No you're not!" Jongdae shouted back. "You brought water bottles and you left them here with me!"
"...Keep them, see if I care!"
"Oh, but you do care!"
"..."
"Come on, Tao."
"..."
"Tao, come on, come play with Hyung. OH COME ON YOU LOVE ME. WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR LOVE FOR ME?”
IT'S NOT MY LOVE I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM IT'S MY-oh fine I’ll come and play.
He choked back a tiny sob of frustration and opened the door.
-
Jongdae, seated in a half-assed version of the splits, gasped and pointed at Zitao.
“You’re struggling!”
Zitao was doing the splits properly with no sign of distress, with his body position strategically angled to fend off a slight erection from Jongdae's eyes.
"What? No...?"
Jongdae frowned at him. Or maybe his “splits” were starting to hurt his legs.
"But you look so worn out…"
"Hm? Well I feel fine..." he said as he got up, splayed out his feet and pushed his knees into a wide-set squatting position. He made sure to keep his knee between his boner and Jongdae’s gaze, presently travelling up his legs.
“You usually have more enduran-fuck you and your muscular thighs. I mean, you usually last longer than this without breaking a sweat.”
Zitao fumbled for an explanation, eyes stopping on the clock.
“Well, I have been here for two hours.”
“Two hours, huh?” said Jongdae, following his gaze with a thoughtful pout. “Impressive.”
Zitao reached over to lightly shove his shoulder. “Don’t give me that fake admiration. You’ve been here since what, right after lunch? You trying to flatter yourself indirectly or something?”
Jongdae cackled in response.
- - -
Message from: TaoTao-er
Sent: 5:43 pm
Duizha~ng >.< Maybe I can tame these feelings?
-
Message from: Duizha~ng
Sent: 5:56 pm
Oh look, finally a message with words! :P Feelings don’t have to run wild, right? You can manage them without acting on them after all ^.^ Don’t forget to tell Gege what’s going on eventually~
-
Message from: Duizha~ng
Sent: 5:59 pm
Seriously, though. Tell me what the heck is going on with you.
- - -
Showered and changed into sweatpants and tank tops after a morning at the gym, Minseok and Zitao were seated in the dining room, surrounded by bags of rice cakes and a bowl full of watermelon. Or rather, now that twenty minutes had passed, by a single bag of rice cakes and a bowl lined with watermelon juice. Minseok was pouring them more tea to take on the final bag when the front door opened.
"I'm home!" shouted Jongdae.
"Welcome back!" Minseok shouted back, setting the teapot down "How was singing practice?"
"Practice was good, yeah!" Jondae said as he walked into the dining room. "Whoa, such manly men," Jongdae said with an admiring nudge of Zitao's bicep. "Here, I got you a magazine," he said, throwing it on the table in front of Zitao. "To practice reading Korean."
"Hyu~ng!"
"Oh stop it, everyone's out filming for the drama, so you might as well get your own stuff done. Here, there's an article on Exo K."
Jongdae opened the magazine to a page with Junmyun's smiling face and settled himself behind Zitao's chair. The latter scanned the bright red text. He felt fingers flick his temple.
"Owww!"
Jongdae gave his shoulder a slight squeeze. "You're supposed to read aloud."
"Fine," and Zitao took on the introductory paragraph. "'Taking Earth by storm, a new international idol group-'"
"Don't rush," said Minseok, chewing loudly. "You're screwing up your pronunciation."
Zitao sighed.
"'A new international idol group from outer space has taken over Asia and the rest of-'"
"Okay, well rush a bit more..."
Zitao sighed and leaned back, head colliding with Jongdae's chest. He looked up at him.
"It's too hard..."
"Come on, you know what you're reading, your mouth just isn't catching up." Jongdae took a seat between Zitao and Minseok at the table. "Here, repeat after me."
-
Zitao shifted his attention from the magazine to Jongdae's careful expression as he enunciated each word for him to repeat. His eyebrows danced as he watched Zitao give the syllables a try, biting back a smile each time he slipped up. It scared him how easily he could have reached for Jongdae's face and kissed him on the corner of the mouth, were it not for Minseok watching them. It scared him that between fraternal affection and sexual attraction, there was no infatuation for him to speak of.
- - -
Zitao had been sleeping over at Exo M's dorm ever since everyone except Jongdae and Minseok were out practically every night filming for To the Beautiful You. He had gotten plenty of time to realize how badly he wanted to back Jongdae into a wall and have him cling onto him. Now, standing in the shower with the sounds of Jongdae in the other room whining to Minseok about which movie to watch, he realized how guilty he felt for letting his imagination run wild.
He closed the shower tap and reached for a towel. Jongdae would never humor his sexual experimenting.
He froze.
No.
Jongdae would humor his sexual experimenting.
Yes, Jongdae would play along.
He would giggle maniacally and get the two of them into some weird, sexual version of chicken, and Zitao would spend the whole time trying to fake a competitive streak to pretend he didn’t want it this bad, while Jongdae would inadvertently spur on his libido with snarky running commentary and a teasing grin.
Zitao could imagine Jongdae licking up his neck and punctuating it with taunts about how prudish he was, how his pink cheeks and heavy breathing made it clear he wouldn’t last much longer, how, soon, he would realize how awkward he felt doing all of this, especially with a guy. Jongdae would torment him, repeatedly whispering virgin, virgin, virgin in his ear until Zitao-
Until Zitao would pin him to the bed and kiss his collarbones and down his chest as he worked Jongdae out of his pants and he would help, Jongdae would fucking help, because he would want to prove that this was too much for a virgin, and that Zitao should just stop now.
Toweling his hair, Zitao looked at himself in the mirror with a grave expression. It was always hard to tell when Jongdae was afraid. He made sure of that. He would sooner point out your fear until your own demons chased you away from the entire situation.
Yes, Jongdae would definitely play along.
- - -
"Tao, you look like a cat," Jongdae told him.
Zitao supposed he did, sitting sideways in the doorway to the kitchen, bouncing a rubber ball against the frame and catching it in a hypnotizing rhythm.
"Tao, answer me: Are you okay?"
He kept bouncing the ball.
"Tao, you've been here all evening. Tell me what's wrong."
Zitao sighed. Jongdae sat himself on the floor next to him. They remained in silence for several minutes, save the bouncing of the ball.
"Hyung." Zitao kept his eyes on the ball.
"Hm?"
"Hyung, say...say one of my friends just came out to me."
Jongdae nodded.
"Okay. Well, that doesn't really change your relationship, does it? If he’s your friend, he's not going to hit on you or something, right?"
Zitao ducked his head with a humorless chuckle.
"Tao," Jongdae started, and he didn't continue until Zitao looked up at him, letting the ball bounce and roll away from him. "If it’s bothering you this much, it might be because you’re confused about your own sexual orientation. Or in denial.”
It pained Zitao to hold his gaze, and soon he felt his eyes well up with tears. He heard Jongdae sigh and scratch noisily at his scalp.
"Tao, it's okay. No one in the group's going to treat you any different. We all understand that it's just an orientation, and that you only see us as brothers."
You only see us as brothers.
One of which you want to back into a wall and kiss all over.
No one's going to treat you any different.
Except that Jongdae was already getting up and backing away, instead of leaning in to comfort him as he would usually.
It's okay.
But Jongdae spent the rest of the night sighing heavily and muttering to himself.
- - -
While training in Korea, Wu Fan and the other trainees became Zitao’s family. Touring with Exo, his fellow members became tiny romantic touches in the absence of girls. Now that he was seemingly exiled from Jongdae’s personal space, the rest of Exo M took his shape under Zitao's hands and within his arms.
For three days after Zitao's confession, Jongdae’s eyes in his presence could only be found glued to the floor, out of focus. On the fourth day Zitao found them trained on him, taking in how he was clinging to Minseok’s back like a baby animal. Jongdae glanced up at him from under his eyelashes, eyebrow cocked, silently asking him to reconsider his life choices. Sheepish, Zitao loosened his grip around Minseok.
On the fifth day, when Zitao got up from snuggling into Wu Fan’s chest on the couch to get something to drink from the kitchen, he felt a hand on his shoulder, heard a stern “let’s talk,” and let himself be dragged into their tiny meeting room.
- - -
Zitao was at the hiccupping stage of crying when Jongdae finally sat up straight in his chair and broke the silence:
"Tao, it's not fair to the members to use skinship like that...how are we going to solve this..."
Zitao blinked and recoiled at the word "solve," as if it had physically hit him. "Solve" his feelings? Zitao smiled bitterly at how late Jongdae had come in to help him. Too late. He had gotten passably comfortable with his feelings a while back. He had stopped fighting them even earlier. Much too late.
"What are we going to do, Tao?"
Zitao crossed his arms on the table and rested his chin on them.
"Hyung," he hiccupped, wiping an ongoing stream of tears with a fist. "I like someone," he said gently.
"Wh...who is it?"
"Guess."
"Is it me?"
Stunned, Zitao buried his face in his arms and sobbed. Jongdae gave an angry laugh.
"Fucking...what...are you...do you...what the..."
Zitao quickly wiped his runny nose and eyes on his sleeves.
"Hyung, it’s okay-"
"Are you serious? What part of you liking me is okay?"
"Well fuck!" Zitao slammed a palm on the table, done crying. "Aren't you the one who was all open-minded about gays?"
"I am, just..."
"Just what?"
Jongdae rubbed his eyes wearily
"It’s fine that you’re gay. It’s not a you being gay thing, it’s a-"
"I'm not even gay! It's just you, just this one time. This isn't about you being gay or something, is it?
Jongdae ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head with an incredulous laugh.
"Even if it's just me that you like...you're the first guy I've known personally who is attracted to another guy. And that makes me kind of..." he trailed off.
"Kind of what?" Zitao said, arms crossed over his chest with a challenging expression.
Jongdae tilted his head, letting him know his insolent tone wasn't lost on him. With an equally daring expression, he answered:
"Curious."
Zitao's jaw dropped.
"I don't know if I'm gay," Jongdae said, hunched over so that he could speak more quietly. "But I kind of want to find out."
Zitao sat back in his chair, speechless.
Well shiiit.
- - - - -
Part 3