Condiments and condoms are two very different things [R; Gintoki/Kagura]
Title: Condiments and condoms are two very different things
AUthor: worblehat
Fandom: Gintama
Pairing: Gintoki/Kagura
Rating: R
Summary: Kagura asks about the birds and the bees.
Notes: Written for distilled. ♥~ Unbeta'd because I'm laaaaaazy.
Word Count: 1,321
"Sexual education?" asked Kagura.
Gintoki lowered his latest weekly volume of Jump, eying her hesitantly. "Where did that come from?" he asked.
"It's something I need to know about," she said, chewing her sukonbu carefully.
He blinked. "But we weren't even talking..."
"I have to know before I have an unfortunate accident!" she protested, her face remarkably serious.
"Accident?" He yawned. "You won't have one of those, unless you're extremely violent during - " He re-considered, waving away his thoughts, immediately feeling sympathy pains for whoever managed to sleep with his redheaded employee. "You're not the one who'll have the accident. Besides, that's what the emergency room is for." He raised his issue of Jump over his head, glowering when it was taken away; sputtering when his hand was shoved beneath Kagura's shirt, on top of her stomach.
"Am I pregnant?" she asked, her stomach rumbling.
"W-W-W-What are you asking me for?" Gintoki stammered. Kagura was now straddling him, leaning forward intently, a look of worry on her face as her shirt inched lower than it should. Gintoki forced himself to look away; his eyes didn't cooperate, and a thin stream of drool began to drip from his mouth, on the right side of his face. No, this is no good, he thought to himself. I have to pull myself together. I can't -
"Gin-chan?" she asked, her chest mere millimetres from his face.
...Wow, those are nice. I mean...shitshitshit, he thought as a fountain of blood began to gush from his nose. Kagura punched him, stemming the flow - or, at the very least, turning the gush into a more manageable trickle.
She looked at him curiously.
"Hey, listen..." he said casually. "Can you get off of me before I turn into a pedophile? I'd really appreciate it."
"Tell me about the birds and the bees," she said, sitting back down on top of him.
"Birds and the bees? Hmm..." It was getting extremely difficult to focus, his efforts dedicated to not allowing his body to react to how warm this small - albeit violent - body was, situated so nicely on -
"Birds and bees!" he said aloud in attempt to distract himself. "Well, you see...sometimes you feel the sting of desire, and it hurts more than it should, and then you have to get tweezers to pull it out - the sting, not the...other thing, because that's much, much, much larger than anything you could handle. Not that I'm bragging." He coughed discretely. "And then there are birds...that's people who like to pretend to fly and watch others doing things they shouldn't be watching, like going to the bathroom or inhaling glue. And you have to be careful of both. A restraining order is usually the best way to -"
"When does the sex happen?"
"...Well." Gintoki scratched his chin, blushing a little at Kagura's words. "When a man and a woman are comfortable enough to see parts of each other naked, in the dark, where there's no chance of getting a full glimpse of -"
"No. I mean now," explained Kagura.
"...Now?"
Kagura slid back slightly, her palm landing solidly above the rapidly-growing erection. "Isn't this what you put inside me?"
".....................Hypothetically?"
"Does it need to be bigger?" she asked, frowning. "It looks like it needs more attention."
".....................WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY ABOUT MY 'MEMBER?'"
"That I want to inflate it so I can have a better time. Otose-san says size matters." Gintoki shuddered; Kagura meanwhile tapped her finger to her chin, brightening suddenly. "Hold on, I almost forgot!"
Gintoki waited as she removed herself from him - the thoughts damn it and thank god battling it out in his brain. He rose from the couch, knowing that leaving now would be both a good and legal idea.
He wasn't expecting the kick to his chest, the hand tugging his trousers down, or the wet, tingly paste spread generously over his -
"What are you doing?" he yelled. With barely any effort at all, he was pushed back down, Kagura grinning as she climbed back on top of him.
"Mustard's my favourite," she said, sinking to her knees on the small couch, mouth closing over Gintoki's length. He grimaced, relaxing when he felt not just the lack of teeth, but a warm, pink tongue, swiping around the head of his cock, licking the heat away to replace it with a subtle warmth that he found himself pushing up to meet, the fingers one one hand reaching for her hair, grasping it tightly.
She pulled back immediately, swatting his hand away. He winced at the bruise that appeared instantaneously, though not for long; Kagura had managed to get naked in record time, his own clothes also mysteriously missing; he didn't worry about this as she reached down, holding his cock steady, her legs trembling as she pushed him inside, crying out softly as she slid down, his length filling her.
"...Ngh," was all he could say as she began moving, her body tightening on each thrust downward. His eyes rolled backward, the sensation of wet heat around him making his hands tighten around her legs, hips bucking upward to push in faster. In his head, he brushed away thoughts like this is wrong, I'm a pedophile and I wonder if she'll let me lick sherbet off of her once we're done. He barely noticed the hand that slipped between their bodies, rubbing carefully until Kagura shouted out; Gintoki's release following soon after, spilling thick inside her.
When both of them had found their clothes - Gintoki having to climb up the nearest tree to retrieve his underwear - he turned to her, asking "...Are you sure that was okay?"
"I could have used a better orgasm," she said, flopping down on the couch.
His eyebrows twitched. "I meant about not using protection."
"What are you talking about?" she asked, taking his copy of Jump and draping it over her head. "We used a condiment."
"........." He chewed on her sukonbu, then spit it out. "Condoms, stupid. You need condoms to prevent pregnancy."
"That's what we used."
"We used" - he looked down " - mustard?!" He pulled his trousers away from his body slightly, breathing a sigh of relief when he realised nothing Important had been turned yellow, as he'd feared.
"Does ketchup work better?" she asked, snoring.
"...................." He placed his palm gingerly against his face. "I can't be a dad..." he said. "You'll have to auction it."
"Auction what?"
"Our lovechild."
"Who has a lovechild?" asked Shinpachi, sitting on top of Kagura's legs, falling over shortly afterward as she kicked him away.
"Me and Kagura."
"...What."
"She turned me into a pedophile," explained Gintoki, pointing at the redhead, a bottle of strawberry milk appearing in his hand. He shrugged, took a sip, and fainted.
Shinpachi turned to Kagura, frowning at the Jump magazine that greeted him. "Does he know you can't reproduce?"
"No."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I need the child support payments."
Shinpachi blanched. "Kagura-chan. You need a child for that."
"I'll steal one," she said offhandedly.
"From where?"
Kagura shrugged.
"...Is this how you plan to get that new Playstation 2?" asked Shinpachi, beyond caring at this point.
She raised the magazine from her head, glaring at Shinpachi. "And if it is?"
Shinpachi grinned wickedly. "If it is, I saw an abandoned boy outside my sister's dojo. We could probably steal him next week. I doubt Gintoki would question how fast he'd grown or exited your womb."
Kagura watched him for a few moments, then nodded, placing Jump back on her face. "I get to pick the first game."
Shinpachi closed his eyes, resting on the floor, which was surprisingly more comfortable than he thought. "Fair enough," he said.
AUthor: worblehat
Fandom: Gintama
Pairing: Gintoki/Kagura
Rating: R
Summary: Kagura asks about the birds and the bees.
Notes: Written for distilled. ♥~ Unbeta'd because I'm laaaaaazy.
Word Count: 1,321
"Sexual education?" asked Kagura.
Gintoki lowered his latest weekly volume of Jump, eying her hesitantly. "Where did that come from?" he asked.
"It's something I need to know about," she said, chewing her sukonbu carefully.
He blinked. "But we weren't even talking..."
"I have to know before I have an unfortunate accident!" she protested, her face remarkably serious.
"Accident?" He yawned. "You won't have one of those, unless you're extremely violent during - " He re-considered, waving away his thoughts, immediately feeling sympathy pains for whoever managed to sleep with his redheaded employee. "You're not the one who'll have the accident. Besides, that's what the emergency room is for." He raised his issue of Jump over his head, glowering when it was taken away; sputtering when his hand was shoved beneath Kagura's shirt, on top of her stomach.
"Am I pregnant?" she asked, her stomach rumbling.
"W-W-W-What are you asking me for?" Gintoki stammered. Kagura was now straddling him, leaning forward intently, a look of worry on her face as her shirt inched lower than it should. Gintoki forced himself to look away; his eyes didn't cooperate, and a thin stream of drool began to drip from his mouth, on the right side of his face. No, this is no good, he thought to himself. I have to pull myself together. I can't -
"Gin-chan?" she asked, her chest mere millimetres from his face.
...Wow, those are nice. I mean...shitshitshit, he thought as a fountain of blood began to gush from his nose. Kagura punched him, stemming the flow - or, at the very least, turning the gush into a more manageable trickle.
She looked at him curiously.
"Hey, listen..." he said casually. "Can you get off of me before I turn into a pedophile? I'd really appreciate it."
"Tell me about the birds and the bees," she said, sitting back down on top of him.
"Birds and the bees? Hmm..." It was getting extremely difficult to focus, his efforts dedicated to not allowing his body to react to how warm this small - albeit violent - body was, situated so nicely on -
"Birds and bees!" he said aloud in attempt to distract himself. "Well, you see...sometimes you feel the sting of desire, and it hurts more than it should, and then you have to get tweezers to pull it out - the sting, not the...other thing, because that's much, much, much larger than anything you could handle. Not that I'm bragging." He coughed discretely. "And then there are birds...that's people who like to pretend to fly and watch others doing things they shouldn't be watching, like going to the bathroom or inhaling glue. And you have to be careful of both. A restraining order is usually the best way to -"
"When does the sex happen?"
"...Well." Gintoki scratched his chin, blushing a little at Kagura's words. "When a man and a woman are comfortable enough to see parts of each other naked, in the dark, where there's no chance of getting a full glimpse of -"
"No. I mean now," explained Kagura.
"...Now?"
Kagura slid back slightly, her palm landing solidly above the rapidly-growing erection. "Isn't this what you put inside me?"
".....................Hypothetically?"
"Does it need to be bigger?" she asked, frowning. "It looks like it needs more attention."
".....................WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY ABOUT MY 'MEMBER?'"
"That I want to inflate it so I can have a better time. Otose-san says size matters." Gintoki shuddered; Kagura meanwhile tapped her finger to her chin, brightening suddenly. "Hold on, I almost forgot!"
Gintoki waited as she removed herself from him - the thoughts damn it and thank god battling it out in his brain. He rose from the couch, knowing that leaving now would be both a good and legal idea.
He wasn't expecting the kick to his chest, the hand tugging his trousers down, or the wet, tingly paste spread generously over his -
"What are you doing?" he yelled. With barely any effort at all, he was pushed back down, Kagura grinning as she climbed back on top of him.
"Mustard's my favourite," she said, sinking to her knees on the small couch, mouth closing over Gintoki's length. He grimaced, relaxing when he felt not just the lack of teeth, but a warm, pink tongue, swiping around the head of his cock, licking the heat away to replace it with a subtle warmth that he found himself pushing up to meet, the fingers one one hand reaching for her hair, grasping it tightly.
She pulled back immediately, swatting his hand away. He winced at the bruise that appeared instantaneously, though not for long; Kagura had managed to get naked in record time, his own clothes also mysteriously missing; he didn't worry about this as she reached down, holding his cock steady, her legs trembling as she pushed him inside, crying out softly as she slid down, his length filling her.
"...Ngh," was all he could say as she began moving, her body tightening on each thrust downward. His eyes rolled backward, the sensation of wet heat around him making his hands tighten around her legs, hips bucking upward to push in faster. In his head, he brushed away thoughts like this is wrong, I'm a pedophile and I wonder if she'll let me lick sherbet off of her once we're done. He barely noticed the hand that slipped between their bodies, rubbing carefully until Kagura shouted out; Gintoki's release following soon after, spilling thick inside her.
When both of them had found their clothes - Gintoki having to climb up the nearest tree to retrieve his underwear - he turned to her, asking "...Are you sure that was okay?"
"I could have used a better orgasm," she said, flopping down on the couch.
His eyebrows twitched. "I meant about not using protection."
"What are you talking about?" she asked, taking his copy of Jump and draping it over her head. "We used a condiment."
"........." He chewed on her sukonbu, then spit it out. "Condoms, stupid. You need condoms to prevent pregnancy."
"That's what we used."
"We used" - he looked down " - mustard?!" He pulled his trousers away from his body slightly, breathing a sigh of relief when he realised nothing Important had been turned yellow, as he'd feared.
"Does ketchup work better?" she asked, snoring.
"...................." He placed his palm gingerly against his face. "I can't be a dad..." he said. "You'll have to auction it."
"Auction what?"
"Our lovechild."
"Who has a lovechild?" asked Shinpachi, sitting on top of Kagura's legs, falling over shortly afterward as she kicked him away.
"Me and Kagura."
"...What."
"She turned me into a pedophile," explained Gintoki, pointing at the redhead, a bottle of strawberry milk appearing in his hand. He shrugged, took a sip, and fainted.
Shinpachi turned to Kagura, frowning at the Jump magazine that greeted him. "Does he know you can't reproduce?"
"No."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I need the child support payments."
Shinpachi blanched. "Kagura-chan. You need a child for that."
"I'll steal one," she said offhandedly.
"From where?"
Kagura shrugged.
"...Is this how you plan to get that new Playstation 2?" asked Shinpachi, beyond caring at this point.
She raised the magazine from her head, glaring at Shinpachi. "And if it is?"
Shinpachi grinned wickedly. "If it is, I saw an abandoned boy outside my sister's dojo. We could probably steal him next week. I doubt Gintoki would question how fast he'd grown or exited your womb."
Kagura watched him for a few moments, then nodded, placing Jump back on her face. "I get to pick the first game."
Shinpachi closed his eyes, resting on the floor, which was surprisingly more comfortable than he thought. "Fair enough," he said.