(no subject)
etteverneaj (4:18:57 AM): FNL= life changing?!?!??!?!
xostilllife (4:19:02 AM): hahaha
xostilllife (4:19:08 AM): i dunno im just being silly
etteverneaj (4:19:08 AM): hahah
xostilllife (4:19:12 AM): im just so pensive right now
etteverneaj (4:19:15 AM): hush it.
etteverneaj (4:19:16 AM): speaak
xostilllife (4:19:21 AM): i have no idea!
etteverneaj (4:19:29 AM): curious.
xostilllife (4:19:42 AM): im like grabbing all these ideals and way i should live my life by just... looking at how people treat each other.
xostilllife (4:19:46 AM): and i dont think its right
xostilllife (4:19:49 AM): and i dont think its fair.
xostilllife (4:19:58 AM): and i hate that bad things happen to good people
xostilllife (4:20:06 AM): and that everyone treats each other like shit.
xostilllife (4:20:08 AM): i hate it.
etteverneaj (4:20:14 AM): yeah. i know the feeling
xostilllife (4:20:29 AM): and im just. tired of it.
xostilllife (4:20:35 AM): i wanna stand for something.
xostilllife (4:20:41 AM): something that matters.
etteverneaj (4:20:49 AM): i know exactly what you mean
xostilllife (4:20:50 AM): im tired of bullshit. i just want something miraculous.
xostilllife (4:21:05 AM): i wanna make the world better. have people treat each other better.
xostilllife (4:21:08 AM): im a total hippy.
xostilllife (4:21:09 AM): haha
etteverneaj (4:21:20 AM): thats one thing i realized at the end of me and niks relatonship.
etteverneaj (4:21:30 AM): that i needed to start standing up for MYSELF
etteverneaj (4:21:40 AM): that i was letting him treat me that way.
xostilllife (4:22:01 AM): its not even about me per say.
xostilllife (4:22:08 AM): its like.
xostilllife (4:22:11 AM): how alone my mother is.
xostilllife (4:22:20 AM): she is the last person in the world who deserves to be alone.
etteverneaj (4:22:29 AM): yeah.
etteverneaj (4:22:32 AM): i know what you mean
xostilllife (4:22:52 AM): how my brother treats his girlfriend when all she does is take care of him and wait on him hand and foot and bust her ass.
xostilllife (4:23:04 AM): how alyson lied to us both for her own gain.
xostilllife (4:23:25 AM): how my dad gets to be married and have someone to lie next to when he should die alone for how hes treated people his whole life
xostilllife (4:23:41 AM): how i watch tv shows and movies with these dads i always wished for and never ever will have. ever.
etteverneaj (4:24:07 AM): but you've got the mom
etteverneaj (4:24:13 AM): and some people dont have either
xostilllife (4:24:24 AM): i know. its just sad the way people treat one another and how the saints always go down before the sinners.
xostilllife (4:24:27 AM): its not right.
etteverneaj (4:24:37 AM): no, its not.
xostilllife (4:24:43 AM): i mean. what kind of world is this?
xostilllife (4:25:08 AM): maybe im getting jaded but growing up i thought you could do and have whatever you worked really hard for.
etteverneaj (4:25:15 AM): a world where there are some good people, so faith's not lost.
xostilllife (4:25:22 AM): and a lot has shown me that that isnt true. that shit happens and your plans get ruined.
xostilllife (4:25:24 AM): you know?
xostilllife (4:25:26 AM): exactly.
xostilllife (4:25:28 AM): no faith.
xostilllife (4:25:36 AM): no faith in god or humanity or love or anything.
etteverneaj (4:25:38 AM): i havent lost my faith
etteverneaj (4:25:50 AM): but im nearly standing alone, there
xostilllife (4:25:57 AM): i havent either but i see everything crumble around me and i just want to fix it. i just wish people would see how their actions impact other people and lives of loved ones and themselves and just. think about things. not do things out of lust or anger or hurt.
xostilllife (4:27:13 AM): i dunno. this is about me but it isnt.
etteverneaj (4:27:23 AM): i know
etteverneaj (4:27:30 AM): but theres nothing you can do to change the world tonight
xostilllife (4:27:39 AM): haha you never know.
etteverneaj (4:27:44 AM): maybe tomorrow
xostilllife (4:27:53 AM): maybe by alter ego is a human saving hippy.
etteverneaj (4:28:04 AM): maybe that shouldnt be your alter
xostilllife (4:28:10 AM): haha
xostilllife (4:28:15 AM): maybe not.
xostilllife (4:28:22 AM): lolz.
xostilllife (4:28:34 AM): sory i just spewed that on you.
etteverneaj (4:28:38 AM): haha
etteverneaj (4:28:40 AM): no its okay
xostilllife (4:28:43 AM): i feel like ive been in my head for so long.
etteverneaj (4:28:48 AM): i have nights where thats all i think about too
xostilllife (4:29:06 AM): i know i talk and say things. but i dont feel like i say anything anymore
etteverneaj (4:29:30 AM): thats one of the reasons i dont say much anymore
etteverneaj (4:29:31 AM): haha
xostilllife (4:29:38 AM): well. im glad were on the same page.
xostilllife (4:29:48 AM): haha
etteverneaj (4:29:54 AM): hahha
etteverneaj (4:29:55 AM): always
xostilllife (4:30:25 AM): i dunno. im just in such a weird place. like. i am so proud of myself for everything i have been through and how i've grown through it and everything i have accomplished this year.
xostilllife (4:30:29 AM): but for some reason
xostilllife (4:30:48 AM): i have never felt uglier or fatter or more useless and unloveable than i do now.
etteverneaj (4:30:59 AM): ah
xostilllife (4:31:01 AM): and it flucuates.
xostilllife (4:31:12 AM): like in one day i'll feel a million different things.
xostilllife (4:31:25 AM): about myself and people and what i should do and how i should handle things.
etteverneaj (4:31:37 AM): thats normal
xostilllife (4:31:40 AM): i guess its a transition period but i dont know how to jump from one pad to the other.
etteverneaj (4:31:55 AM): you'll get there
xostilllife (4:32:08 AM): i hold myself back and i dont know why
xostilllife (4:32:12 AM): you know, recently.
xostilllife (4:32:17 AM): i havent felt crazy.
xostilllife (4:32:25 AM): like, in a long time.
xostilllife (4:32:28 AM): and. thats weird.
etteverneaj (4:32:36 AM): hahaha
etteverneaj (4:32:40 AM): I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN
xostilllife (4:32:43 AM): and theres like these glimpses, where i realize how fucked up i am.
etteverneaj (4:32:44 AM): you'll get used to it
xostilllife (4:33:11 AM): and nights when im with my friends and people who love me i realize im not alone and i bond on it.
xostilllife (4:33:21 AM): and everyone is crazy and fucked up in their own way.
xostilllife (4:33:30 AM): and then there are nights alone where i cant shake myself.
xostilllife (4:33:49 AM): and rushing thoughts and what i should do and how stupid i feel ALL THE TIME
etteverneaj (4:34:08 AM): start taking your time with things
xostilllife (4:34:27 AM): i feel so fucking stupid tara.
etteverneaj (4:34:32 AM): why
xostilllife (4:34:40 AM): i guess just mistakes ive made.
xostilllife (4:34:56 AM): with school. and how i lived my life and hid from everything when i was younger.
xostilllife (4:35:07 AM): my nervous breakdown.
xostilllife (4:35:10 AM): everything with nick
xostilllife (4:35:22 AM): and how i keep hoping things will be different
xostilllife (4:35:24 AM): and they aren't
xostilllife (4:35:42 AM): but he has my heart and i cant ever get it back.
xostilllife (4:36:00 AM): so, i feel stupid
etteverneaj (4:36:00 AM): slow down
etteverneaj (4:36:03 AM): theres no rush. you wanted to stand up for something, right?
etteverneaj (4:37:24 AM): something that means something.
xostilllife (4:37:24 AM): and sometimes i say fuck it. i know him and us and it'll be better if i do things right. if im perfect.
etteverneaj (4:37:31 AM): stand up for yourself
xostilllife (4:37:34 AM): but im never enough for him. i cant ever make him happy.
xostilllife (4:37:50 AM): when his band broke up. my stupid ass took him to lunch, and bought him candy and a stuffed dog.
xostilllife (4:37:53 AM): im such an asshole!
xostilllife (4:38:00 AM): wtf is wrong with me. im a total sucker.
xostilllife (4:39:47 AM): i just need to find a way to handle it better.
etteverneaj (4:39:53 AM): you want the world to change
etteverneaj (4:39:54 AM): ?
xostilllife (4:40:09 AM): well sure.
etteverneaj (4:40:15 AM): start with yourself.
xostilllife (4:40:23 AM): ghandi quote time.
xostilllife (4:40:25 AM): !
etteverneaj (4:40:37 AM): be the change you wish to see in the world!
xostilllife (4:40:41 AM): hahaha
xostilllife (4:40:44 AM): yes
etteverneaj (4:40:57 AM): its true
etteverneaj (4:41:10 AM): you cant teach what you dont preach
xostilllife (4:41:19 AM): also true.
etteverneaj (4:41:23 AM): you want people to stop treating other like shit, stop taking it.
etteverneaj (4:41:37 AM): you want people to take you seriously? prove that they should.
etteverneaj (4:41:56 AM): you want people to respect you? show them why they should
xostilllife (4:42:10 AM): but the thing is.
xostilllife (4:42:14 AM): i dont know why they should.
etteverneaj (4:42:18 AM): (im not just talking about you)
etteverneaj (4:42:34 AM): because you're a good person. and you know it
etteverneaj (4:42:43 AM): but i shouldnt have to tell you why.
etteverneaj (4:42:52 AM): if you dont know why, thats the first thing you've got to figure out
etteverneaj (4:43:05 AM): figure out why you think you deserve respect
etteverneaj (4:43:56 AM): "if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change."
etteverneaj (4:44:01 AM): OH MICHAEL JACKSON
etteverneaj (4:44:03 AM): how i love thee
xostilllife (4:44:10 AM): yeah i know
etteverneaj (4:44:12 AM): hahah
xostilllife (4:44:16 AM): i just gotta figure some stuff out.
xostilllife (4:44:17 AM): but.
xostilllife (4:44:23 AM): at least i know who i am now.
etteverneaj (4:44:30 AM): step one
xostilllife (4:44:31 AM): i just have to improve upon it.
etteverneaj (4:44:33 AM): haha
etteverneaj (4:44:58 AM): the only department in which your slacking (in my opinion) is self respect
xostilllife (4:45:06 AM): i hear that a lot.
etteverneaj (4:45:27 AM): start there, then
xostilllife (4:45:43 AM): i dont know how, really.
etteverneaj (4:45:58 AM): no rush
etteverneaj (4:46:01 AM): why rush?
etteverneaj (4:46:26 AM): you'll start respecting yourself, once you demand respect from everyone else.
etteverneaj (4:46:30 AM): theres a clue
xostilllife (4:46:45 AM): because its hard. and because i have never seen anyone have self respect. my mother didnt. my brother didnt. my father. a lot of my friends didnt. its hard to start to do something in a topic you're hardly familiar with.
xostilllife (4:47:14 AM): im not saying its impossible.
xostilllife (4:47:17 AM): its just. confusing to me.
etteverneaj (4:47:38 AM): it was for me too, trust me
etteverneaj (4:47:46 AM): but im not giving you that excuse
etteverneaj (4:47:53 AM): because it could have been mine, too
xostilllife (4:47:58 AM): i know
xostilllife (4:48:04 AM): could be a lot of peoples.