hour before class after eternity
It hasn't really been an eternity nor even the longest break I've had between entries but the subject stays the same. It is an hour before class. I'm not sure if I can ever really be a writer. Last class the teacher basically said I did my essay completely wrong and in his office I nearly broke down. I didn't even work on the essay that much but there I was, a huge lump in my throat. God, I am such a pussy. I didn't even care about the essay but I was a shitty day away from crying. I mean it; had the day been bad I think I wouldn't have been able to keep from crying. Damn it! I hate that. I want to be a writer but don't be too suprised to hear a struggling artist trying to get his first book published is found dead by suicide clutching a rejection letter. I mean it. If I can't take constructive criticism to an essay I didn't even really work on and didn't care that much about how am I going to survive a rejection letter to something I poured my soul into? Whatever, I'll just have to stay away from guns and smoke some weed before I look at the letter or answer the phone. Do they reject you over the phone? Do you know? The weed comment, I smoke it ever once in a while and the "fuck it" molecule in it really touches me. I'll read the letter and be able to take it then. Anyway, what did I come to say? Nothing...ever... I was going to say something about my "Post Your Secret" entry that only I know about but nope. I mean, if I was going to talk about it I would have let y'all see it, wouldn't I? Not necessarily. I mean, I sound really angsty and semi-suicidal in the entry. Even if it is just a couple of secrets that I really could post. But then I couldn't stand being rejected there. I thought of posting them on walls around campus...as if anyone would care. Would it be a cry for help? No! That's why I didn't make them public on hear; because that's what they sound like. Like a plea for help or for pity or whatever and that's not what they were, not what they are. I'd still make them public...hell, I'm thinking of doing it now, but probably not. Why? They, again, sound like a plea for pity or help or something and that's the last thing I was looking for when I made the entry. It was merely me opening up. I mean nobody would know it was me in the "Post Your Secrets" books so I could just say it and not have to worry about hurting someone else through my own pain. Notice that this is one huge block? No breaks? Breaks cause me to dwindle to bullshit because if I'm gonna take the time to make all this gramatical and fancy looking I'm gonna make it sound fancy. So, stream of consciousness. A big block that you can or can not get through. It doesn't really matter either way. What else do I want to say? Do you know? You might when you read on...if there is an on. I'd like to get high...thought you should know. Is that bad? No, it isn't. I don't really care what you say. Weed isn't a bad drug. Even if it was, it isn't any worse than cigarettes so what would it matter. It makes life a lot better. Trust me. Lol. You ever try it, faceless reader? Okay, you aren't faceless. I know y'all...somewhat. But right now I don't know you. I don't know which of you is going to read and which of you is going to read this far so you are, hypothetically, faceless. I should be working on that essay. I have no idea what I want to say though. Probably gonna use the juju story. Why, because I could grab soemthing more from that one. No, because I liked it more. Don't get me wrong, the Witch War one was great. Hell, they were all great but -maybe- the juju one was the best. I really liked the fish winning one, not that I really know what happened. What was his ability? Was he the watch? I am amazing at winning the "win a goldfish" game at fairs. Maybe, but that power sucks. But then he like kills the fat guy or something...or maybe not. Was he justified? He just wanted to win a damned typewriter. That'll teach fat man to lie and say you can only win four times a day and that you can't win the top shelf stuff... What an asshole? No one knows what I'm talking about. But, you know what, it doesn't matter. Whatever, okay, do I have anything real to talk about? Not right now. There is some realness in the discussion of "Post Your Secret" buried in here but right now I am talking nonsense. Whatever, maybe another post later today. Till whenever.