You know, I probably should have done this MONTHS ago.
ATTENTION: ___chinadoll, viewaskewgrrl47, blackrainbows, closetotheflame.
Chrissy, Nikki, Jess, Mel? Let me start this off by saying I'm sorry. I hate myself for not saying anything sooner.
rare public entry to make sure everybody sees this.
Jase? He's alive. Jasper (Casey to Jase and possibly a few others?) helped him lie about the whole damn suicide/dying thing. Here's the proof from Jan:
deathcab024: I know we havent go to talk much and I keep disapearing might be cause Im trying to avoid the whole thing but the guys want to go smoke soon me too especially anything gets said
deathcab024: are you going to be around for awhile
Tessie Harding13: Probably, yeah. Not terribly long, 'cause I'm still sick and shouldn't stay up too late, but yeah? Gonna actually say what it was you wanted to when you come back? :)
deathcab024: well depends...
deathcab024: you arent in a really good mood right now are you?
Tessie Harding13: I'm about even, why?
deathcab024: just checking...
Tessie Harding13: You're making me nervous, Jasper...
deathcab024: yeah well I wish I could say dont be but this is not one of those times unfortunetly...infact the thought of how angry you will probably get is kinda making me a little sick...If I run out at anytime thats why
Tessie Harding13: Okay...can you please just tell me what's going on?
deathcab024: i will
deathcab024: but i cant do it yet its hard to explain...
deathcab024: i know im making no sense
deathcab024: im sorry
Tessie Harding13: I'll forgive the not making sense if you just tell me what's going on...please Jasper? We
Tessie Harding13: We're friends, right? Care about each other? And I'm generally not the type to hold a grudge...
deathcab024: I cant cause its not just for me to tell
deathcab024: and trust me this is beyond grudge
Tessie Harding13: Okay, now I'm seriously confused...on top of the nervous.
deathcab024: Look there are other parties involved in this and those persons or person arent ready right now like i said its complicated.
Tessie Harding13: Do we have a time estimation on when I get let in, or should I just assume I'm not sleeping tonight because my brain won't stop trying to figure this out? I'm not trying to push, but my imagination is my own worst enemy at times like this.
deathcab024: well im gonna go smoke now that the game is over and talk myself back into this cause seriously im chickening out right now...so like twenty minutes?
Tessie Harding13: Okay. Just, relax okay...even if I'm mad to start with, I'll probably feel bad and want to talk to you tomorrow anyway. It's just the way I am.
deathcab024: yeah...
deathcab024: well
deathcab024: ok twenty minutes..
Tessie Harding13: Okay. *hugs*
deathcab024: Okay the situation is somewhat under control. I feel the urge to throw up either which is nice.
Tessie Harding13: *hugs*
deathcab024: well okay I have this friend who just got back into town he's been gone for a long time
deathcab024: and he has to talk to you so Im gonna let him do that
Tessie Harding13: okay...
[Cutting in on the convo to make note, since the sn doesn't change or anything: And now we switch to somebody you all know...but he doesn't tell me that yet.]
deathcab024: Casey is looking pale again.
deathcab024: He's pretty freaked at what your gonna say.
Tessie Harding13: So, who am I talking to?
deathcab024: Yeah Im gonna get to that.
Tessie Harding13: Okay, sorry.
Tessie Harding13: Did you just forget to hit enter or are you still typing? It's been a while. (and apparently the lame award show isn't distracting enough.)
deathcab024: yeah sorry this is gonna be a few more minutes
deathcab024: i talk a lot.
Tessie Harding13: Okay. I'll try to find something to distract myself with...sorry for interrupting.
deathcab024: Try a CD. GooGoo Dolls? Lifehouse?
*** You have been disconnected. Sun Jan 09 22:10:19 2005.
Session Start (TessieHarding13:deathcab024): Sun Jan 09 22:16:27 2005
Tessie Harding13: Sorry I vanished, damn computer reboot itself...
Tessie Harding13: Hello?
deathcab024: Yeah
*** Auto-response sent to deathcab024: I'm busy working on school work, so I may be a bit on the quiet side...
Tessie Harding13: Just making sure you were still here.
Tessie Harding13: My comp likes to be evil lately.
deathcab024: Most comps are.
deathcab024: ready for some reading?
Tessie Harding13: Yep.
deathcab024: Ok wait...make me a deal here you wont say anything till you have read the entire thing.
Tessie Harding13: I promise I won't say anything until I've read every last word.
deathcab024: okay then
deathcab024: He keeps asking me why I'm not scared too. LOL I am really. But I also know that this is something I need to do and the best way I can fix what I've done is to be honest. I've done a horrible thing. I fully realize while telling you this after you find out you will never forgive me and never talk to me again. To make it all worse I drug Casey into it. When thinking back on it I honestly thought at the time It was the right thing.
deathcab024: After everything I've put you through, all the crap I just thought If I wasnt in your life anymore than it would make everything magically better. Thing is you were a really big part of my life at one time and such a close friend that the only way I knew that I could just cut you out of my life like that was if you thought I was dead. Cause then no matter what I couldnt go back. I couldnt get involved in your life or put you through my crap. So because i was too chicken to actually pull the trigger (as always never could do it) I let you think I did. Im saying this now cause things have changed in two years.
deathcab024: A lot. There was a time when I could come to you with anything good or bad and you still accepted me and didn't turn your back on me. Ive screwed up a lot this being the worst. I know you will never want talk to me again most likely. Casey (in the bathroom trying not to puke) fears the same but this is my fault not his, I put a guilt trip on him and got him to help me with this. Still Im coming to you once again, to confess to you what a big mistake I've made. Two years ago I thought it was the perfect idea...I left home after that didn't come back for a long time. To be honest Chrissy gave me the idea.
deathcab024: Not really but that night I was so drunk and talking to you I couldnt help but to think about how awful I had been to all of you. You especially. I hurt you and that will always be in the back of my head. I turned into my dad and that made me sick. You were someone I cared about deeply and I hurt you the worst. So I justified my plan to let you and max, mel, nikki and tiff that I was dead because I wouldnt hurt anyone anymore. I really thought this way I would never be able to hurt the people I cared about that right there made me think it was okay. So Im still trying to think of how to say this all but I should let you get to reading this. Incase this is the last thing I say to you before you hate me and never ever speak to me again, I'm sorry. I know its not enough.
deathcab024: It never will be. Being home again made me realize I had to do this, even if it means you hate me. It was all my fault and not Casey's he was just trying to help his friend. I never thought I would regret doing it but here I am two years later and Its the worst thing I think Ive ever done. Im sorry court. I always seem to end up hurting you in the end and I would like to hope two years later ive changed so that why Im trying to be honest.
Tessie Harding13: Can I talk now, or is there more?
Tessie Harding13: Jase?
Tessie Harding13: Jase, please talk to me. Do I seem like I'm going to bite your head off right now?
deathcab024: well
deathcab024: most people would.
Tessie Harding13: You've known me 5 years now, am I most people?
deathcab024: Even with our past I was almost certain this would be the one to make you hate me with great intensity.
deathcab024: I dont think I've ever screwed up this bad.
deathcab024: Maybe I have though.
Tessie Harding13: If I didn't understand you and why you did it so damn well, I probably would Max...she's gonna freaking kill you...me? I'm just glad you aren't dead...because I've missed you so much...
Tessie Harding13: I feel kinda like I'm in some sort of bizzaro world, since this is like the LAST thing I expected to hear tonight.
deathcab024: Well you do have a tendency to get me a majority of the time.
deathcab024: Yeah I know.
Tessie Harding13: I do...I can't even explain why that is, but for some reason I do...though, in most cases you got me when everyone else didn't either, right?
deathcab024: true
deathcab024: Well it's been awhile.
deathcab024: I apologize that seems sorta dumb to say.
Tessie Harding13: So, okay, I'm a little pissed that you felt you had to make up such an elaborate lie to keep from hurting me (which, you know, not the end result, for the record...), but like I said, I'm just glad you're here.
Yeah...
deathcab024: Yeah well I left and I stayed away from this place for a long time
deathcab024: I talked to Casey and Jo and thats it.
Tessie Harding13: You know, this is gonna probably sound crazy, but some nights, when I couldn't sleep, I'd just lay in bed saying all the things I wished I could talk to you about...I really have missed you.
Are things any better for you now than they were?
deathcab024: Court I have issues with not having you around okay it's hard I wouldnt of been able to stick to it if I didn't do what I did.
deathcab024: I've missed you a lot too.
Tessie Harding13: Hey, if Casey's still freaking out, tell him I'm not mad at him, okay? I haven't been in on a secret this huge, but I do understand not being honest with one friend for the sake of another.
I know...which is why I'm not mad. I just wish there was some way I could have helped you, you know? I always want to help the people I care about.
deathcab024: Casey's been in that bathroom for quite awhile. Maybe somebody should check on him.
Tessie Harding13: so...you planning on actually talking to me every so often now, or is tonight it?
Might be a good idea. I hope he's okay.
deathcab024: And as for helping me...I think I was too stubborn to let anyone help me at the time
Tessie Harding13: I kinda noticed that.
That's not the end, but it's really long already, and that's the important stuff, so we'll go with that.
Let me just say right now? The only reason I didn't tell you guys was because he made me promise not to. Why am I doing this now, though, posting it in my journal for all to see?
Well, the short answer there, as Nora put it, he's treating me like a fucking doormat, and taking advantage of how nice and understanding I am, and IMed Max, then chickened out and expect me to tell her. Even told her to ask me.
That's so cowardly that my reaction to that was wanting to go Michigan and kick his ass. But we all know I wouldn't even dare. I couldn't do that to anybody. Anyway, after some encouragement from Nora and Max, I decided I'm wiping my hands of this whole mess, getting it out in the open, and letting him deal with the fucking fallout. I don't know if any of the four of you actually know or not, but I guess now you do.
Oh, and Jase doesn't currently have internet, but he has been on occasion IMing me from his cellphone under his old yahoo address, if anyone wants to tear him a new one. I'm so done right now. It's not my job to do his fucking dirty work. I never asked for it, and I have enough of my own stressful stuff to deal with without being forced into taking on his. Also, he has a journal that hasn't been updated in forever here.
I'm really sorry I didn't tell you guys. I wanted to...but he made me promise I wouldn't. That promise got voided the second he thought it was a good idea to leave it up to me to tell Max.
Chrissy, Nikki, Jess, Mel? Let me start this off by saying I'm sorry. I hate myself for not saying anything sooner.
rare public entry to make sure everybody sees this.
Jase? He's alive. Jasper (Casey to Jase and possibly a few others?) helped him lie about the whole damn suicide/dying thing. Here's the proof from Jan:
deathcab024: I know we havent go to talk much and I keep disapearing might be cause Im trying to avoid the whole thing but the guys want to go smoke soon me too especially anything gets said
deathcab024: are you going to be around for awhile
Tessie Harding13: Probably, yeah. Not terribly long, 'cause I'm still sick and shouldn't stay up too late, but yeah? Gonna actually say what it was you wanted to when you come back? :)
deathcab024: well depends...
deathcab024: you arent in a really good mood right now are you?
Tessie Harding13: I'm about even, why?
deathcab024: just checking...
Tessie Harding13: You're making me nervous, Jasper...
deathcab024: yeah well I wish I could say dont be but this is not one of those times unfortunetly...infact the thought of how angry you will probably get is kinda making me a little sick...If I run out at anytime thats why
Tessie Harding13: Okay...can you please just tell me what's going on?
deathcab024: i will
deathcab024: but i cant do it yet its hard to explain...
deathcab024: i know im making no sense
deathcab024: im sorry
Tessie Harding13: I'll forgive the not making sense if you just tell me what's going on...please Jasper? We
Tessie Harding13: We're friends, right? Care about each other? And I'm generally not the type to hold a grudge...
deathcab024: I cant cause its not just for me to tell
deathcab024: and trust me this is beyond grudge
Tessie Harding13: Okay, now I'm seriously confused...on top of the nervous.
deathcab024: Look there are other parties involved in this and those persons or person arent ready right now like i said its complicated.
Tessie Harding13: Do we have a time estimation on when I get let in, or should I just assume I'm not sleeping tonight because my brain won't stop trying to figure this out? I'm not trying to push, but my imagination is my own worst enemy at times like this.
deathcab024: well im gonna go smoke now that the game is over and talk myself back into this cause seriously im chickening out right now...so like twenty minutes?
Tessie Harding13: Okay. Just, relax okay...even if I'm mad to start with, I'll probably feel bad and want to talk to you tomorrow anyway. It's just the way I am.
deathcab024: yeah...
deathcab024: well
deathcab024: ok twenty minutes..
Tessie Harding13: Okay. *hugs*
deathcab024: Okay the situation is somewhat under control. I feel the urge to throw up either which is nice.
Tessie Harding13: *hugs*
deathcab024: well okay I have this friend who just got back into town he's been gone for a long time
deathcab024: and he has to talk to you so Im gonna let him do that
Tessie Harding13: okay...
[Cutting in on the convo to make note, since the sn doesn't change or anything: And now we switch to somebody you all know...but he doesn't tell me that yet.]
deathcab024: Casey is looking pale again.
deathcab024: He's pretty freaked at what your gonna say.
Tessie Harding13: So, who am I talking to?
deathcab024: Yeah Im gonna get to that.
Tessie Harding13: Okay, sorry.
Tessie Harding13: Did you just forget to hit enter or are you still typing? It's been a while. (and apparently the lame award show isn't distracting enough.)
deathcab024: yeah sorry this is gonna be a few more minutes
deathcab024: i talk a lot.
Tessie Harding13: Okay. I'll try to find something to distract myself with...sorry for interrupting.
deathcab024: Try a CD. GooGoo Dolls? Lifehouse?
*** You have been disconnected. Sun Jan 09 22:10:19 2005.
Session Start (TessieHarding13:deathcab024): Sun Jan 09 22:16:27 2005
Tessie Harding13: Sorry I vanished, damn computer reboot itself...
Tessie Harding13: Hello?
deathcab024: Yeah
*** Auto-response sent to deathcab024: I'm busy working on school work, so I may be a bit on the quiet side...
Tessie Harding13: Just making sure you were still here.
Tessie Harding13: My comp likes to be evil lately.
deathcab024: Most comps are.
deathcab024: ready for some reading?
Tessie Harding13: Yep.
deathcab024: Ok wait...make me a deal here you wont say anything till you have read the entire thing.
Tessie Harding13: I promise I won't say anything until I've read every last word.
deathcab024: okay then
deathcab024: He keeps asking me why I'm not scared too. LOL I am really. But I also know that this is something I need to do and the best way I can fix what I've done is to be honest. I've done a horrible thing. I fully realize while telling you this after you find out you will never forgive me and never talk to me again. To make it all worse I drug Casey into it. When thinking back on it I honestly thought at the time It was the right thing.
deathcab024: After everything I've put you through, all the crap I just thought If I wasnt in your life anymore than it would make everything magically better. Thing is you were a really big part of my life at one time and such a close friend that the only way I knew that I could just cut you out of my life like that was if you thought I was dead. Cause then no matter what I couldnt go back. I couldnt get involved in your life or put you through my crap. So because i was too chicken to actually pull the trigger (as always never could do it) I let you think I did. Im saying this now cause things have changed in two years.
deathcab024: A lot. There was a time when I could come to you with anything good or bad and you still accepted me and didn't turn your back on me. Ive screwed up a lot this being the worst. I know you will never want talk to me again most likely. Casey (in the bathroom trying not to puke) fears the same but this is my fault not his, I put a guilt trip on him and got him to help me with this. Still Im coming to you once again, to confess to you what a big mistake I've made. Two years ago I thought it was the perfect idea...I left home after that didn't come back for a long time. To be honest Chrissy gave me the idea.
deathcab024: Not really but that night I was so drunk and talking to you I couldnt help but to think about how awful I had been to all of you. You especially. I hurt you and that will always be in the back of my head. I turned into my dad and that made me sick. You were someone I cared about deeply and I hurt you the worst. So I justified my plan to let you and max, mel, nikki and tiff that I was dead because I wouldnt hurt anyone anymore. I really thought this way I would never be able to hurt the people I cared about that right there made me think it was okay. So Im still trying to think of how to say this all but I should let you get to reading this. Incase this is the last thing I say to you before you hate me and never ever speak to me again, I'm sorry. I know its not enough.
deathcab024: It never will be. Being home again made me realize I had to do this, even if it means you hate me. It was all my fault and not Casey's he was just trying to help his friend. I never thought I would regret doing it but here I am two years later and Its the worst thing I think Ive ever done. Im sorry court. I always seem to end up hurting you in the end and I would like to hope two years later ive changed so that why Im trying to be honest.
Tessie Harding13: Can I talk now, or is there more?
Tessie Harding13: Jase?
Tessie Harding13: Jase, please talk to me. Do I seem like I'm going to bite your head off right now?
deathcab024: well
deathcab024: most people would.
Tessie Harding13: You've known me 5 years now, am I most people?
deathcab024: Even with our past I was almost certain this would be the one to make you hate me with great intensity.
deathcab024: I dont think I've ever screwed up this bad.
deathcab024: Maybe I have though.
Tessie Harding13: If I didn't understand you and why you did it so damn well, I probably would Max...she's gonna freaking kill you...me? I'm just glad you aren't dead...because I've missed you so much...
Tessie Harding13: I feel kinda like I'm in some sort of bizzaro world, since this is like the LAST thing I expected to hear tonight.
deathcab024: Well you do have a tendency to get me a majority of the time.
deathcab024: Yeah I know.
Tessie Harding13: I do...I can't even explain why that is, but for some reason I do...though, in most cases you got me when everyone else didn't either, right?
deathcab024: true
deathcab024: Well it's been awhile.
deathcab024: I apologize that seems sorta dumb to say.
Tessie Harding13: So, okay, I'm a little pissed that you felt you had to make up such an elaborate lie to keep from hurting me (which, you know, not the end result, for the record...), but like I said, I'm just glad you're here.
Yeah...
deathcab024: Yeah well I left and I stayed away from this place for a long time
deathcab024: I talked to Casey and Jo and thats it.
Tessie Harding13: You know, this is gonna probably sound crazy, but some nights, when I couldn't sleep, I'd just lay in bed saying all the things I wished I could talk to you about...I really have missed you.
Are things any better for you now than they were?
deathcab024: Court I have issues with not having you around okay it's hard I wouldnt of been able to stick to it if I didn't do what I did.
deathcab024: I've missed you a lot too.
Tessie Harding13: Hey, if Casey's still freaking out, tell him I'm not mad at him, okay? I haven't been in on a secret this huge, but I do understand not being honest with one friend for the sake of another.
I know...which is why I'm not mad. I just wish there was some way I could have helped you, you know? I always want to help the people I care about.
deathcab024: Casey's been in that bathroom for quite awhile. Maybe somebody should check on him.
Tessie Harding13: so...you planning on actually talking to me every so often now, or is tonight it?
Might be a good idea. I hope he's okay.
deathcab024: And as for helping me...I think I was too stubborn to let anyone help me at the time
Tessie Harding13: I kinda noticed that.
That's not the end, but it's really long already, and that's the important stuff, so we'll go with that.
Let me just say right now? The only reason I didn't tell you guys was because he made me promise not to. Why am I doing this now, though, posting it in my journal for all to see?
Well, the short answer there, as Nora put it, he's treating me like a fucking doormat, and taking advantage of how nice and understanding I am, and IMed Max, then chickened out and expect me to tell her. Even told her to ask me.
That's so cowardly that my reaction to that was wanting to go Michigan and kick his ass. But we all know I wouldn't even dare. I couldn't do that to anybody. Anyway, after some encouragement from Nora and Max, I decided I'm wiping my hands of this whole mess, getting it out in the open, and letting him deal with the fucking fallout. I don't know if any of the four of you actually know or not, but I guess now you do.
Oh, and Jase doesn't currently have internet, but he has been on occasion IMing me from his cellphone under his old yahoo address, if anyone wants to tear him a new one. I'm so done right now. It's not my job to do his fucking dirty work. I never asked for it, and I have enough of my own stressful stuff to deal with without being forced into taking on his. Also, he has a journal that hasn't been updated in forever here.
I'm really sorry I didn't tell you guys. I wanted to...but he made me promise I wouldn't. That promise got voided the second he thought it was a good idea to leave it up to me to tell Max.