Poetry Challenge edits

[wordwamblings]

OK, I'm still working on the villanelle I posted over to 100 poems.  I still don't like it but here it is with the edits and with two different ending stanzas.  I'd be interested in any input.

TO MY DAUGHTER

I wish I'd dared to let you see my heart,
it's always been so hard for me to share,
it would have been a worthy place to start.

You hold

Comments

[moonlights_lair]

Hon?

Can you do me a favor and step away from this one for a bit?

You will go to bed tonight, dream - feel - think...and it will come to you.

It HAS to come from you - these are YOUR words, they need you.

They will come.

Laureena.

[wordwamblings]

I think I've gotten very lazy, writing free verse only for maybe the past year. Consider this poem put away. It is in my files and if someday it makes the cut for a manuscript, I will rewrite it. I have decided, once the month of prompts is over, to focus on working in forms for a time. Kind of sharpen my edge again.

[autumnsea]

For a villanelle, I have to readily say that this is one of the better flowing ones and the rhyme is smoother.

I think, perhaps, that you are twisting yourself up in knots based on numerous critiques or suggestions? That's what it seems like to me.

I LIKE your original last stanza. The only suggestion I can make is revising the second line of the final stanza as it reads a little awkwardly but keeping the essence of the line because I feel it is important.

A suggestion only (hoping it'll free up your own words):

I ask that from my love you not depart,
to an 'ideal mom' I cannot compare,
I wish I'd dared to let you see my heart,
it would have been a worthy place to start.

[wordwamblings]

It's been awhile since I've followed forms in my poetry. This experience of trying to marry an outside prompt to a strict form has shown me how lazy I've allowed my mind to become. My first attempt was really bumpy. I sent it to a friend and then later looked at it and realized I had too many syllables in one line. LOL She had no idea what the form was supposed to do and suggested some changes that would have made it more concise and accurate but also would have made it no longer a villanelle.

I like very much, your suggestion.
maybe
I cannot to an ideal mom compare,
I really don't much want to look at this freaking poem any more.

I have this awful "hatch and release" approach to writing poetry and it is slightly freaking me out that I'm actually spending so much time editing this one and 'Time Lapse Photograhpy' I guess that for whatever reason, these two are more important to me or maybe I'm entering a new phase in my writing.

[autumnsea]

I believe that this poem is important to you (because of the message) and therefore you are putting your energies into it. I have been known to do the same.

[wordwamblings]

Yes, even though I won't actually give it to my daughter I think that the hurts that lie behind the poem keep bringing me back to it.