the relative merits of the primary/secondary model of polyamorous relationships

[wordygirl]

At a recent poly gathering the topic of primaries vs. secondaries came up, and while people were talking about their various configurations and what they like and don't like about them, I pondered the extent to which these labels work for me

Comments

[indywind]

The primary/secondary/etc. is dissatisfying to me; it oversimplifies. I too might use "primary" as shorthand (especially among poly people who favor that relationshipstyle) to describe the woman who is my housemate, close friend, and sexual/romantic partner of longest standing. But my other connections are equally important; the shapes of the spaces they fill in my life are just different.

opinion of primary/secondary relationship labels

[sol_rei]

Hello! My name's Melissa. I found you through the poly group. I really enjoy your posts. I'm going to add you to my friends list, if that is alright with you. ^_^

As for the topic at hand, I also have issues with the labels of 'primary' and 'secondary.' I don't like how such terms can suggest that some relationships are more important than others. But really, I don't like labelling relationships at all. What is the difference between friend and lover? If it is just the level of physical intimacy one has had with them, it seems like a rather shallow difference. And people can disagree with labels, too. One person may consider you a friend, but you may feel the relationship better fits within another label.

I would like to hear from someone who LIKES the primary/secondary terms as to why he or she likes them.