introversion and polyamory

[wordygirl]

I've come across several forums for people who identify as introverts or specifically as INFPs and I'm surprised how often the topic of polyamory comes up. I'm also surprised by how often people will say that they couldn't possibly do poly because they are introverts. It seems to me that introverts are particularly well suited to poly

Comments

[rowanheart]

I find this interesting. I generally score I/ENFP. I'm pretty balanced between introvert and extrovert, if I get too much of one I need the other. And I see polyamory as fitting me well because I don't have get all my needs met by any one person. Generally I like a lot of interaction, and no one person can provide that for me. I knew of a quad once that had 3 introverts and 1 extrovert. The extrovert had trouble getting her needs met in the group because the others were so busy being introverts. Just interesting persepctives.

[wordygirl]

I can see how poly would appeal to extroverts for the reason you mentioned (wanting a lot of social interaction and finding that easier to have with multiple partners). I'm just surprised by how often people seem to assume that all poly people must be extroverts, in the sense that the only kind of person who would want multiple partners is someone who really likes being around people. That seems to miss the point, to me, at least in terms of how some of us do poly

[boxofdelights]

I agree with everything you've said about polyamory being suited to introverts, but one way that introverts aren't suited to polyamory is that we're not good at meeting people!

[wordygirl]

Yes, well, there is that, although the internet sure helps! I've read that INFPs are vastly over-represented online, given that this medium suits us much better as a way to meet people and get to know them without the anxiety of social settings.

When I do go to an in-person social gathering, I often lament the fact that there isn't some way to check people's profiles before deciding whether or not to talk to them, because I don't want to waste time on small talk with someone I clearly am not compatible with! (and how can you possibly tell that based on appearances alone??)

I have connected with people through the internet who I probably wouldn't have looked twice at had I met them at a party, so I tend to stick to this as a fairly reliable screening mechanism.

Have you tried Salon Personals? I've actually met some really interesting people there in the few weeks since I joined, and most of them are open to unconventional ideas about relationships, even if they don't explicitly identify as poly. That's been interesting. (BTW

[lilairen]

(Followed link from polyamory community, wanted to comment in response to this.)

I'm not actually sure I see the relevance.

I'm poly no matter how many people I'm involved with at the moment; I don't experience polyamory as a desire to *go out and find more people*, just to let the interactions with people I know settle into whatever level is appropriate to that relationship.

So I don't meet new people much or spend time with new people much; it doesn't matter. If I find someone attractive (or, as is the case with my lover, if we discover a potential for a relationship after several years of acquaintance), then I work from there; if I don't, no big deal.

I wonder if there's a correlation between actively seeking relationships and extroversion.

[wordygirl]

I'm poly no matter how many people I'm involved with at the moment; I don't experience polyamory as a desire to *go out and find more people*, just to let the interactions with people I know settle into whatever level is appropriate to that relationship.I think what you may be misunderstanding is that truly introverted people don't just "know" other people that they can happen to get involved with if the mood is right. It always amuses me when people say that they don't seek out relationships, they just wait and see who they come across and let things go from there. But if I did that, I'd never get involved with anyone

[parallelgirl]

Hmmm. That's extremely interesting, thanks for posting it. I'm INTJ. *goes off, pondering.*

[wordygirl]

I'm INTJ.

What I am seems to vary from test to test. I'm always strong on the IN part, but some days I'm an INFP, other days an INTJ, and occasionally an INTP. However, I've never come out as an INFJ, oddly enough. There must be something about F and J that don't go together.

According to this Wikipedia entry on Myers-Briggs, INTJs make up 2.1% of the population, INTPs 3.3% and INFPs 4.4%. The most common personality is ISFJ and the least common is INFJ.

Interesting...

I just took the test here and came out as INTJ. I guess I'm feeling my "mastermind" tendencies today ;-)

I'm always "N" and "P"

[lyrical_dancer]

So, I don't definitely fit in any of the general groupings. I have taken the long-form written test, and scored nearly 50/50 for I/E and F/T. I really *need* to spend time alone, and I am very energized by spending time in groups. I'm a social butterfly when I know at least 3 or 4 of the people present, but if I only know one person, it's a huge struggle for me to meet anyone new.

I have some interest in polyamory, but the structure I prefer (polyfi with two men) doesn't seem to be what most of the people I meet are hoping for. I'm fine with going off on my own with other friends, or staying at home while a partner spends time with other people.

[indywind]

I think you're onto something re: potential connection between poly tendencies and personality type. All my intimates ID as introverts at least some of the time, and I suspect most of them are also J's. Last time I took the test I was INTJ, with strongest scores in N.

One thing about poly/nonstandard relationshipping that suit my personality are the potential for flexibility--so I can get alone time, or do things separately from my sweetie that standard-model couples are expected to do together (we have separate bedrooms, for instance).

The other thing--the main thing I'm noticing right now-- is that poly ideals can allow/foster a depth/intensity/intimacy of connection with multiple people --what I think some people mean by "quality time". I prefer that a large portion of my total social interaction is one-on-one and intimate in that way. For comparison, my gf T, the most extroverted of my intimates, prefers to have less intense interactions with more people at once.