Let war be waged 6
General Winter's less famous but equally troubling cousin General Mud was on their side. It sounded more intimidating with the deadly cold of Winter but the chaos Mud could cause shouldn't be underestimated.
“Hurry, hurry,” Serbia called, wondering if anyone of them would ever reach safety.
The first time they were under fire Serbia looked desperately after Hungary, how had she managed to catch up with them this fast? Was she that pissed off?
“Fuck!” Montenegro said, catching on much faster. “Fucking Albania.”
That was worth the curses he proceeded to mutter under his breath. They had annexed pieces of her country now when they had the chance, but it was a reasonable decision, considering the circumstances.
They fought of Albania's people but not without losses of their own. Losses they couldn't afford, of people Serbia had learned the name of. Albania herself kept the distance at first, then coming closer and closer. Being hunted by her made Serbia sweat despite the cold.
After a few days of stalking Albania chose to show herself while Serbia and his allies were exhausted. Right now she must be into that sworn virgin thing again, short hair and dressed like a guy. Montenegro snorted, he used to claim personal experience of her non-virginity.
“The great Serbia on the run from his own country? To think, only a moment ago you had me running from you.”
“You were welcome to stay,” Serbia tried. Albania looked almost like the punishment from above Ottoman sometimes had threatened with right now. Maybe he hadn't been that nice but he hadn't thought about it that much, his claims on parts of her were pretty legitimate. “Eh, Yugoslavia would have been a nice place to live...”
“You're welcome to be Austria's minion too I'm sure,” Albania said. “It looks like you will be, you're only prolonging the inevitable.”
“Shut up bitch,” Montenegro said. “You can't imagine how we're going to fuck you up, if you only know what they promised us.”
Serbia had been promised a lot, that's one of the things that kept him going right now. But no one was supposed to know that.
“Thanks for the warning,” Albania said. “I'll watch my back.”
“This is why you're not allowed to talk to people,” Serbia hissed.
Albania tilted her head back and forth, sizing them up. They couldn't make a very good impression.
“No.. You don't look very strong. If you were, you would attack me instead of clutching each other the adorable way you do.”
Montenegro was about to say something when both Serbia and Kosovo shoved him.
“Probably good thinking,” Albania giggled. “Montenegro can be so rude. I found it endlessly rude when you invaded me, then invaded me again after after you got told off! No sense of proper behavior at all.”
“Fuck, Albania,” Serbia tried, starting to get desperate. Was she stalling for some kind of master plan? “Please, do you want me to beg or what?”
“Maybe it would be a good start.”
“Three against one,” Montenegro said. “Wouldn't like the odds if I were you. And you shut up Serbia you fucking wimp.”
“I'll take you all if I need to,” Albania said. “This is my home and I'll defend it. But I wonder... Maybe it would be two against two.”
“Albania, please, let's just leave,” Kosovo said, to Serbia's growing horror. “Let's wait for the storm to blow over. I'll come with you back to Austria, just don't fight Serbia and Montenegro now.”
Serbia tried to think of it as a reasonable thing to do, Macedonia had chosen to stay behind too, waiting for him to return. But Kosovo looked too pleased. It was a horrible thing, the feeling of how much he missed Kosovo, the idea of Kosovo, and yet it wasn't the same as he imagined. He thought after all of this they might create a stronger bond again, not end up even further apart...
“I take it,” Albania said. Maybe they didn't look quite as pathetic as Serbia feared, he did have a bit of a reputation for being crazy, even if it was partly him trying to leech on Russia's reputation. “Kosovo and I leave, you get the hell out of here, I want nothing to do with you.”
“I can do that,” Serbia said.
Albania took Kosovo's hand.
“But I made no promises about my people, right? Albania is a very nice place, unless you're known for being evil invaders. Have fun with that!”
Albania took her personal guard with her, a favor Serbia was almost grateful for. Kosovo would be reclaimed too, along with Belgrade. All of it would be his again Serbia promised himself.
“I hate her,” Montenegro said.
“Maybe we were a bit cruel to her.” Serbia didn't like the thought, him smacking around Albania maybe wasn't that far away from Hungary smacking him around.
“Albania's an Ottoman and Austrian minion. And Kosovo's useless.”
“I guess it was nice of him to make Albania back off?” Serbia miserably said.
“Coward,” Montenegro said. “Probably worried Albania would get hurt fighting us. Or afraid we'll kill him if he didn't make some vague gestures of friendship, in the case we actually win in the end.”
“Seems a bit unlikely now, doesn't it?”
“Nothing's unlikely,” Montenegro said. “We'll rise again, we always do.”
“I think I would go crazy if I didn't have you at least,” Serbia said. “I love you man.”
“I love you too,” Montenegro said.
That felt slightly weird but Serbia was grateful for the support. They're rejoined Serbia's people in an awkward silence, who were again slightly fewer.
“If we survive this epic poems should be written about it,” Serbia said.
“The story of how Serbia and Montenegro bravely ran away,” Montenegro said. “Wouldn't read it myself.”
“Sensibly retreating,” Serbia said. “We'll be back and we'll be back in triumph.”
Eventually, after what felt like a painful eternity, they reached their goal. Serbia screamed himself horse at the French and Englishmen but he found it only took a gentle reminder from Russia how he was in this war for Serbia in the first place, if that motivation was removed he might just go home and do something more pleasant. Serbia quietly thanked both him and God, Russia was following up on his promises, Russia still cared. Beyond that Serbia didn't like to think about the future.
“You are endless trouble,” France sighed. Russia was scary enough for France to show up in person to make sure he was alright. Or maybe France cared too when he found out. Serbia liked that version better. "I don't have time for this you know."
“I know,” Serbia said, automatically using French too. Russia had been absolutely crazy about France in periods and practically wanted to make love to the French language as well. Serbia had no choice but to learn or be left out. “Sorry. You can feel me up if it makes you feel better, I'm that happy to see you.”
“Maybe later,” France said. “Right now I think we have to get you out of here before Russia comes over and asks innocent questions about what happened to his cousins.”
“Actually we're practically brothers.”
“If you say so. What do you expect from me now Serbia?”
“Well, we don't have a place to go anymore so I guess we're at your service,” Serbia said. “Kicking ass all over Europe, wherever you want, as soon as we recover a bit...”
“Wonderful,” France said and put one arm over Serbia and one of Montenegro. “I really needed two more love slaves.”
Montenegro pushed France away and took one step back.
“Relax,” Serbia said. “He's just kidding. I think...”
“Of course I do,” France said. “Have you two looked into a mirror lately?”
“I don't mind Serbia's beard,” Montenegro muttered.
“Greece calls it my beard of depression,” Serbia said. “I'll shave the moment Belgrade is free. And Montenegro just looks like that.”
“We better hurry then,” France said. “That beard must be disposed off before you get too used to it.”
Montenegro sulked but France and Serbia kept teasing each other about Serbia's abysmal appearance. It was better than to think about important things, a distraction from the bleak reality. They weren't safe even now on their way to Greece. Serbia wasn't fine and his people were even worse off.
Safe cheerful topics were bound to run out sooner rather than later, Serbia found himself starting to freak out again when they talked about what to do next. Regroup at Greece's islands, then join in with France.
“I'll kick Hungarian and Bulgarian ass for you, as much as I can," Serbia promised. "Assuming of course I'm going to have any people left. I thought we would be fine, but we're really not and my people are still dying, fuck, it's a graveyard here, not a sea and-”
Serbia stopped halfway, not sure where he wanted to go, it didn't end up as an assurance he was still useful as he had wanted. He finished with all the curses about the central powers sexual history and ancestry he could imagine, which always was an appropriate conversation filler. France listened patiently until he ran out of ideas.
“Calm down... We'll make it. It's not the end of the world even if I feel like it is sometimes too. We're all badly off Serbia but I'm done crying about it. Have you heard about Belgium? She's on the run too and she will return in triumph too.”
Serbia could only vaguely recall the disturbing things he heard about what happened to Belgium, he had been caught up in his own misery. But it was completely out of line, Germany and Prussia tried to mow her down to get to France, like Austria tried to destroy him to make a point to Russia. It felt like the entire world was turning into collateral damage as the major powers faced off.
“Thanks for not blaming me, that's a nice change of pace.”
“If not you, something else. Peace was not meant to be, we all knew it. Prussia and Germany thought they could run me over. They were very wrong and they'll pay for it. I might take some suggestions from your insane ranting.”
France looked diabolical, the way he smiled as he said it. As always, Serbia wished he was as strong as France and Russia, who could avenge themselves. But wishes were as pointless as prayers. God helped those who helped themselves. One day, Serbia promised, one day he would be as strong as them and protect his people.
Montenegro studied a very battered map where he had carefully marked out the new imagined lines of his country, the new somewhat blurry lines the allied powers had promised him what felt like an eternity ago.
“I'm tired of running out of money and selling my services,” Montenegro said. “I look forward to more land.”
“Yeah, keep positive,” Serbia said while France almost choked on the cigarette he was smoking.
“I-I never would have imagined.”
Serbia considered the possibilities of much needed hilarity ensuring versus alliance-breaking feuds ensuring. He decided it wasn't worth it.
“Montenegro used to sell his services as a mercenary.” Serbia explained and stole away France's cigarette, it looked in danger of being thrown away in the confusion. A shame to waste it.
“That makes more sense,” France admitted, looking only a little disappointed.
Montenegro wasn't listening, only looking at his map again.
“Fuck Austria,” he said. “I'll have it all back and more.”
Serbia suddenly felt bad. France was right, it wasn't just Serbia who got chased out of his country.
“Whatever keep your spirits up,” France said. “Eternal glory when we beat Germany, hold on to that thought.”
“I still wonder if it's worth it,” Serbia mumbled, though eternal glory would be nice and well deserved.
They all pondered this in silence for a while, probably reaching the same conclusion.
“I think I'm going back with you France,” Montenegro said, breaking the silence. “Just keep your hands off.”
Serbia waited patiently for further explanations. None came.
“The fuck?”
“My king is going there too. We should talk.”
“Send a message like everyone else.”
“We're all allies. I'll be back,” Montenegro said. “Maybe. Maybe I'll go back to my country, I know all the places to hide.”
Serbia bit down the protests of but I need you, I'll miss you and nodded in acceptance. His cousin always called him a wimp over things like that.
“Well, I have Greece soon,” he said.
Montenegro gave him a very strange hostile glare. France was uncharacteristically quiet and let them have their drama on their own.
“Good for you.”
Serbia had enough on his mind without having to worry about Montenegro's odd behavior.
It wasn't the best thing ever to arrive to some Greek island completely in pieces, feeling more dead than alive. But fuck it, they were stronger than Austria and Hungary ever expected just to put up the resistance they did, for getting here at all, for planning to get back in game as soon as they could. After all of this they couldn't fail.
Greece and Serbia hugged and Greece showed proper concern for his health. But Serbia couldn't help notice Greece was less enthusiastic than he should be.
“I don't think my bosses are that happy over how you decided to move in,” Greece said.
“And you?”
“I'll invite you to live with me any day. Happily. Even with the mess you bring.”
“I expect nothing less.”
Serbia actually expected more, he and Greece had successfully stood up against common enemies together before. He wish he had Greece by his side in more than a moral support way right now, they had promised each other that not very long ago. Greece petted him and dotted on him, but there was a distinct lack of weapons and enraged attacks on Austria-Hungary. Or even Bulgaria. At least Montenegro brought a weapon and went after his enemies even if he was unable to be as nice.
“Why don't you fight with us?” Serbia said. “Germany is allied with Ottoman, he's not our friend. Prussia is attacking Russia, he's not our friend either. And Austria and Hungary are after me.”
“And your allies bully me to join them,” Greece said. “From my point of view that isn't very nice either. Even if you of course can come here and stay for as long as you want.”
“I'll try to not overstay my welcome.”
Greece looked away as one of his cats pressed its cold nose against his hand. He petted the attention seeking kitten and several others rushed to join in.
“Do you have to have cats everywhere?” Serbia wondered. “I can't walk a step without falling over one.”
“I like cats. Sometimes I wish I was a cat too. Cats don't need to worry about much. They're cute and they sleep most of the day. But when they do hunt they're patient, effective and utterly ruthless. I like to think I'm a bit like a cat.”
“Maybe you are,” Serbia agreed.
That was as much of a promise of help he would get from Greece at the moment.